BUSH ADMINISTRATION GUIDELINES: TOP TEN INDICATORS YOU ARE A TERRORIST
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained official classified documents that are currently being used by the Bush Administration to determine who should be classified as terrorist. The documents issued by the Office of Homeland Security list 543 different indicators that a person is an enemy combatant and subject to immediate detention.

The top ten indicators, according to the list are:

1. Believing that peace is preferable to war. Extra problems if you ever sang along to “Peace Train” by Cat Stevens.
2. Ever having a bad thought about Dick Cheney, special attention should be paid to anyone who sees any similarity between Cheney and Darth Vader
3. Believing that impeachment should be on the table and not swept under the rug
4. Saying “nu-cle-ar” in stead of “nu-cue-ler”
5. Thinking that Bush is capable of making a mistake and may even have made one
6. Not wearing a flag lapel pin at all times
7. Not laughing when McCain sings “bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran”
8. Thinking 24 is a TV drama and not a documentary and that Jack Bauer is a fictional character and not a real life hero
9. Opposing drilling for oil anywhere at anytime
10. Having Hussein as a middle name
11. Anyone thinking the Bill of Rights pertains to them
12. Anyone who has evolved enough to reject creationism as science

(note: there are twelve indicators listed because President Bush told Homeland Security Director, Michael Chertoff, “I want you to list the top ten bad guy reasons they are terrorists, you know list me a dozen.”)

The memo, entitled “If In Doubt, Weed Them Out” instructs agents and law enforcement officials to round up anyone who might fit the terrorist profile. The terrorist list also includes investigative reporters who make documents like this list public. The reporter who leaked this story under condition of remaining anonymous, responded by citing that the First Amendment guarantees free speech and a free press. “That puts him on the list right there,” said an unnamed Homeland Security official.