OBAMA’S COMMENT THAT HE WON’T ATTACK MCCAIN’S PATRIOTISM DRAWS ATTACKS
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – In a move to calm down the furor regarding General Wesley Clark’s comment that Senator John McCain’s experience as a prisoner of war was noble but not necessarily a preparation for his role as commander in chief, Senator Barack Obama said he would not question McCain’s patriotism. Contrary to his intention, Obama’s remarks seemed to fan the flames of hot rhetoric.

“It’s that Obama who’s not preparicated to be the commander in chief like me,” said President Bush. “as he was not a drunken frat boy who skipped out on national guard service which is what made me a good chief commander and anyone who doubts my commanderness is dead toast.”

McCain took little time to answer Obama by saying, “I am the one candidate who is ready to be commander in chief as only I would know what to do if some Saudis attacked us like they did on 911. I would bomb Iran, of course.” “

John McCain is suitable to be the commander in chief,” said Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, “as he is ready on day one to read My Pet Goat during a major terrorist attack.”

“If you can’t attack your opponent’s patriotism,” said Karl Rove, “then you are not a person who has the cajones to attack terrorists.” “I don’t care if your enemy comes disguised as a hunting buddy,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “you have to be prepared to look them in the face, face them down and then blow their face off. Now I dare you to name one face that Obama has blown off.”

KARL ROVE TO HEAD POLITICAL SCIENCE DEPARTMENT AT BOB JONES UNIVERSITY
By R J Shulman
GREENVILLE, South Carolina – Steven Benjamin Jones the President of Bob Jones University announced today that their revamped political science department will have a new chairman, Karl Rove. “We knew we need to round out our programs here at the University to include more than just Creationism, anti-gay crusading and history of the Confederacy, “Jones said, “so who better to shape a bold new political science curriculum than the man who practically invented politics, the honorable Karl Rove.”

“After dodging all those subpoenas and vicious attacks from the vast left wing conspiracy,” Rove said, “this new position will be welcome. Kids these days are more interested in voting for their fave on American Idol than stealing votes in national elections. I hope to be able to bring the traditional values of the Republican party back to the classroom, you know, lying, cheating, character assassination, and my favorite, abuse of power.” “It will be refreshing to teach these young minds,” said Dean Franklin Willhoffer, “that wanting change doesn’t mean going to Washington to change things for the better, but change means changing the vote totals so your side can be get a victorious mandate from the people.”

Guest lecturers of political stature will include Colin Powell teaching “Preparing For War is a Piece of Yellow Cake, Kenneth Lay,“How to Fake Your Death After You Get Caught,” Dick Cheney, “Why the Dark Side is for Pussies,” Larry Craig, “Public Bathrooms Where I Said I Was Not Gay,” and George W. Bush, “Learning to Read My Pet Goat Without Getting Interrupted.”

BUSH SAYS HE HAS TIME FOR ONLY ONE MORE COUNTRY INVASION, WILL HAVE TO MAKE DECISION ON WHICH NATION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush announced today that due to the short length of his remaining Presidency, he will have time to invade only one more country. “Deciding which place to invade next is hard, hard work,” said Bush, “even for the Decider. On one hand, North Korea has them nukular weapons, so I could invade Singapore, but on the other glove, Iran has them terrorists, so maybe I should invade Syria. Just what’s a decider to do?”

“The President is making bold plans to protect the United States,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “by making a surprise attack on a country near the intended target, like how going into Iraq thoroughly confused Al Qaeda in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Right now Las Vegas has 5-2 odds that it will be Syria, but surprisingly has 20-1 odds that Bush’s next invasion will be the state of Nevada because of all the liberal terrorist supporting gay married people in nearby California.

“So many countries to invade, but so little time,” lamented on Bush aide. John McCain has pledge to continue invading countries if elected, but is not sure whether to go after the Sunis or Shia, but will do so, “as soon as I can tell them buggers apart,” he told reporters.

GOP: THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS THE LACK OF FEAR ITSELF
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Facing the possibility of losing the White House and more seats in the House and Senate this fall, Republican leaders have blamed a lack of focus for their erosion of power. “We have spent too much time on war mongering and not enough on fear mongering,” said Newt Gingrich, “and our whole rise to power has been based upon fear.” Gingrich cited the gains made in the past by the GOP when they were able to sway voters into their camp based upon fear of Communists, gays, terrorists, and brown-skinned illegals speaking Spanish in the workplace.

“The only way we can lose the war on terror,” said John Boehner of Ohio, “is to not be terrified enough.” “Thanks to Barack Obama, we still have fear of the black man to exploit,” said Karl Rove, “but we sure have a lot of work to do on building fear back up to level red.” President Bush has pledged to aid his ailing party. “The least that I can do,” Bush said, “is to put my stamp of veto on any bill not scary enough to make people remember that we are in a war where we are the good guys who are willing to torture, kill and distructify for peace, justice and the American way of corporate life.” GOP party leaders have pledged to do what they can to activate their base with their tried and true base tactics in time for the fall elections.

BUSH DISCOVERS HE’S NOT DESCENDED FROM TEXAS COWBOYS, BUT IS A RICH KID FROM CONNECTICUT
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas - President Bush told reporters that he was totally in shock to have discovered that he was rally a child of wealth and privilege rather than coming from a long line of wranglers from the Lone Star State. “You could have knocked me for a loop with a horsefeather,” Bush said, “but apparently my granddad was a rich and powerful Senator from Connecticut who traded with the Nazi and not some cowpoke from Amarillo who traded with the Indians.”

Bush discovered his true ancestry when he found an old family Bible and had a third grader read it to him. “At first I thought that little kid was a lying enemy combatant,” Bush told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “but then Laura told me it was all true, just before I sent the lad to Guantanamo. Here I was thinking I was a hard working man-of-the-people who made it from the sweat of his brow clearing ranch brush, and I find out I am a man-of-war from a rich and powerful family who handed everything to me on a silver spoon. I was going to ask the Supreme Court Justices if it was true I had everything fixed in my favor, but they were too busy talking to my daddy.”

Bush said now that he knows he is a spoiled brat from New Haven, he will have to rethink his Texas accent and for that matter rethink everything he has done in his life.

McCAIN AND OBAMA TO DROP OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE; CHENEY TO RUN ON BOTH TICKETS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Sources close to Vice President Dick Cheney have told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that sometime in late October Senators John McCain and Barack Obama will suddenly drop out of the Presidential race. The source, who wished to remain nameless as well as faceless, due to a recent hunting accident, said that McCain will develop a heart irregularity and leave to spend time with his family while Obama will resign as the Democratic nominee after a sudden attack of conscience regarding the awesome power needed to be an effective President. “This will leave a void that only Dick Cheney can fill,” the source said, since having a heart and a conscience is a hindrance to being President.”

“With Cheney being at the top of the ticket for both the Republicans and Democrats,” said James Easterbrook, a political analyst with Blackstone and Associates, “the American people will know who will be the next President and in these troubled times certainty is priceless.”

“Me being the standard bearer for both parties is a win-win situation,” Cheney said. “Those that want a strong leader to fight terrorism will feel secure that I am at the helm, and those that hear my name and get violently ill, can take solace that on one of the tickets, I will be the loser.”

NEW BOOK ASSERTS THAT McCAIN MORE OF A PINTO THAN A MAVERICK
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Remember the Fords of the Seventies? Author James Crandall does and finds them relevant today in his new book McCain Slew Able in which he says McCain is more like the Pinto than the Maverick. “A maverick is someone who stands out from the pack, is a leader and sticks to his position,” says Crandall, “McCain has flip-flopped more times than a pancake on steroids.”

Crandall notes that McCain’s similarities to the Ford Pinto are astonishing. The book points out that just like the Pinto, McCain’s campaign is underpowered, unremarkable and McCain will blow up at the slightest provocation. “He is effectively unable to do anything,” Crandall states, "hence the title of my book.” The upside for McCain, the author notes, is that McCain has changed positions so many times, that many votes may still think he favors their stand on the issues.

DEMS AGREE WITH GOP THAT SHEILDING TELECOMS MORE IMPORTANT THAN CONSTITUTION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Today, the House passed a bill that would shield the telecom companies who illegally spied on Americans. House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer of Maryland said, “We felt that protecting the telecom companies who followed the President’s request to illegally spy on Americans was as important as protecting us in Congress from unfortunate, embarrassing and shameful calls we made that the telecoms were kind enough to tell us could accidentally be made public by them in the next few weeks.”

“This bill also protects a very important American natural resource,” said Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, “and that resource is the contributions that those of us in Congress get from the giant telecoms.” Representative Peter Hoekster, Republican of Michigan said, “when we had to weigh the interests of the civil liberties and rights guaranteed by the Constitution versus the rights of the telecoms to make a profit, it’s a no-brainer - the Constitution has got to go.”

White House spokesman Tony Fratto said that the President is pleased with this new version of the wiretapping bill, which secures the right of the President to indiscriminately spy on anyone for any reason. “This new bill allows the President to personally reprimand in a manner of his choosing those that were opposed to his wide-scale eavesdropping or were opposed to him for any reason” said Fratto, “and the good news is, he already knows who they are and exactly where they receive their phone service.”

BUSH VISITS FLOOD DAMAGED IOWA TO GET FEET WET ON DISASTER RELIEF
By R J Shulman
CEDAR RAPIDS - President Bush arrived in Iowa today to inspect the damage caused by the worst flooding in the Midwest in decades. “Who could have known that the Mississippi River could overflow from the rain,” the President said, “but even without Brownie, we’re doing a heck of a job, as this time no one in New Orleans was flooded under water. What I want to know is if they name floods after people like they do with hurricanes, like this could be Flood Charlie or something.”

“It is no accident that the floods are worst in Iowa, which voted for Obama and gave him his start, and Illinois, the state he represents in the Senate,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “That means if a person votes for a Democrat this fall, we will be hit again by natural disasters, and we will be hit hard.” “The reason that Iowa is getting such disastrous floods,” said Reverend John Hagee, “is that Iowa did not protest enough against California legalizing gay marriage.”

While the FEMA Disaster Relief Fund’s $4 billion could go a long way toward helping the devastated area, President Bush warned that the money should not be hastily spent, saying “there will be a bigger gimungous disaster later this year, say late October, say right before the election, and after we scaricate everyone into voting Republican again, we will need that disaster relief money for other things, heh-heh, heh-heh.”

BUSH URGES CONGRESS TO PASS BILL ENCOURAGING AMERICANS TO DRILL FOR OIL IN THEIR OWN BACK YARD
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - As a reaction to the rising cost of gasoline, President Bush urged Congress to pass his Protect Earth Bill, better known as the No Dinosaur Left Behind Act, which gives tax incentives to anyone who drills for oil in their back yard. “We need all Americans to throw their hand in the ring to help the energy crisis,” the President said, “so I’m not only de-banning the Democrat ban on oil expatriation that we need to have, but give a tax break to anyone who becomes their own backyard wildcatter.”

To qualify for the tax incentive, a person would have to purchase special drilling equipment from Halliburton who won a no-bid contract to provide the necessary equipment.

“Would you rather we drill over there,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “or drill over here?” “This is a bold and necessary move by the President,” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, “Americans must pitch in to suck our country dry first before we have to use foreign oil, just like the President sucked our treasury dry before we needed all these foreign investments to keep us going.”

“I expect those whining, wimpy, weak-kneed name-calling Democrat traitors will try and block the President because they care more about eco-systems than about using American oil. That’s simply unpatriotic,” said Senator Boehner of Ohio.

Senator Barack Obama stated he is against more drilling. Senator McCain said he strongly supports unrestricted drilling. “At first I was against the drilling,” McCain said, “but now I’m for it. Besides, when it comes to drilling, I can do it in a more manly, less bitter way than Barack Obama even if we have to drill for a hundred years before we find anything.”

McCAIN ON CHARGES THAT HE’S A FLIP FLOPPER:
WELL, MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Senator John McCain struck back at critics who have accused him of flip-flopping on critical issues. The Republican Presidential hopeful said yesterday, “I strongly and in a tough manly way with more experience that Barack Obama deny that I am a flip-flopper even though, at first I was for flip-flopping.” This was McCain’s response to comments that he changed position on such issues as having been against the use of torture to supporting it and from being vehemently opposed to the Jerry Falwell style of evangelicalism and then embracing it.

“It’s not that his positions on the issues are changing,” said Harv Waverly, a McCain supporter, “but rather it’s the issues that keep shifting. Besides you can’t be accused of flip-flopping if you can’t remember your original position.”

“Being able to change is a real strength,” said commentator George Will. “McCain was originally against change, but has been flexible enough to embrace change when the American public changed into supporting change when they changed their support of President Bush’s stay the course strategy. So if you want change, vote for John McCain, the candidate of real change, and he’ll change before your very eyes."

FOX NEWS: BARACK OBAMA’S DOG HATES AMERICA
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO - Fox News reported that Senator Barack Obama’s dog, Bark, a German Shepard hates America. “That dog took a dump right in front of my American flag,” said William Boykin, Obama’s neighbor. “There is no question Obama’s dog peed on a tire of an SUV with a ‘support our troops sticker,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

Fox reported further proof of Obama’s wayward dog from one-time Obama dog sitter Claudia Hammack, who said, “Bark was so bitter and elite that he wouldn’t wag his tail at me if I was wearing a flag lapel pin.” “What I don’t understand,” said Fox’s Sean Hannity, “is how Obama can have a dog for years and not know how hateful that dog is toward America. Obama saying he wasn’t there when that dog started all that anti-American yapping is just no excuse.”

“I don’t even have a dog,” Obama told reporters who were hounding him on the dog question. Senator John Boehner of Ohio called for a special prosecutor to investigate Obama’s dog. “We shouldn’t let 'doggate' get swept under the rug,” Boehner said. “We have only begun to scratch the surface in this matter.

“We don’t expect Obama to roll over on this one like Kerry did on those swift boat attacks,” said Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean.

“I don’t even have a dog,” Obama said.

“I think the press will chew Obama up on this dog debacle,” said Brit Hume of Fox News. “How could Obama be so un-American to have a German Shepard instead of a good old dog from the USA,” said Rush Limbaugh. “Just how much does Barack really hate America?

“I don’t even have a dog” said Barack Obama.

BUSH SAYS FAREWELL TO EUROPE, CONTINENT PREPARES FOR THE END
By R J Shulman
PARIS – President Bush announced today that he will be sad to have to say goodbye to Europe, but because they will not back his plans to attack Iran, Europe will have to go first. “If they can’t join ya, you gotta fight them, so I’ll have to shock and awe old Europe back to the stoner age. I’ll start with Spain,” he said, “because they have too many people speaking Spanish in the workplace.”

While House Press Secretary Dana Perino said, “He will then bomb London, then Paris. He tried to talk to the Iranians by going to Europe and not Iran itself, just like his successful strategy of attacking Iraq to get to Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. This shows the strength of purpose of a great leader.”

Not everyone supports the Presidents plans to level the whole European continent. “When I wrote my song Political Science thirty-five years ago,” said songwriter Randy Newman, “and sang about dropping the big one, you know ‘boom goes London, boom Paris,’ it was supposed to be satire, not frickin prophesy.”

“I believe, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “that Europe is in its final throes.

BUSH REQUIRES EMPLOYERS TO CONDUCT BACKGROUND CHECKS TO KEEP ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM TAKING GOOD JOBS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush signed an executive order requiring contractors and others who do business with the federal government to perform background checks to bar illegal immigrants from obtaining work. “These governmental jobs tend to be the more high paying jobs than the low paying jobs,” Bush said. “and we need to keep the higher paid jobs for Americans, while making sure the illegals can stick to what they do best which is the busboys, maids and the construction of the wall between the US and Mexico.”

“We aim to keep the costs of these background checks low to employers,” said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, “so we are not requiring employers to check for criminal records, gun crimes, embezzlement or terrorist activities. Our bottom line is to protect the Americans from the most frightening employment problem of all - employees speaking Spanish in the workplace.” Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez planned to hold a news conference to discuss the President’s new directive, but was detained due to a suspicious last name.

“This new Presidential order will go a long way to enforce the immigration laws,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “We can’t have the government turn the other way and not enforce laws. Just how dangerous would it be for the American people if the FDA did not enforce laws regarding tainted food or if the EPA was lax on enforcing laws against pollution?”

BUSH TO DETAIN SUPREME COURT JUSTICES WHO RULED AGAINST HIM ON RIGHTS OF DETAINEES
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush struck back today against a deeply divided Supreme Court who handed him a stinging defeat when they ruled that foreign detainees held for years at Guantanamo Bay have the right to appeal to U.S. civilian courts. “I have declared those five Justices who voted against me as enemy combatants,” Bush said, “and they are on their way to a secret prison. How could they think they were the deciders? I am the decider and if I decide that hideous corpus is from old Europe and is no longer American, than there is not longer any hideous corpus.”

“We at the justice department agree with the President’s actions,” said Attorney General Michael Mukasey, “the Supreme Court erroneously granted special rights to the foreigners, special rights like a the right to know what they are being charged with and the right not to be railroaded to an execution for political gain. Where in the Constitution does it say you can’t be railroaded to an execution for political gain?”

“I am glad George got rid of those pansies,” said Justice Scalia, who in a blistering dissent said Americans by the scores would die if the US could no longer abuse the detainees, “that gang of five made me sick with their compassion and love for the law. There is no place for that on the Supreme Court.”

Vice President Cheney has been named by Bush to head up a special committee to find Justices to replace the five departed Justices. “I narrowed it down to one candidate to become a Supreme Court Justice,” Cheney said, “I propose that this candidate will get five votes and that this candidate is me. It makes sense as I feel so comfortable in a black robe.”

REPUBLICANS SAVE BIG OIL FROM GOING THE WAY OF THE DINOSAUR
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a heroic move, Senate Republicans fought back Democratic attempts to impose windfall profits taxes and take away billions of dollars in tax breaks from big oil companies. “We are proud of our stand to defeat a cheap Democrat election year ploy to distract the American people from the real issues of gay marriage and fear of Spanish speaking immigrants with the phony issues of high oil prices,” said Republican leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky who was instrumental in defeating the proposed measure. “These oil companies have earned the right to gouge the American people and don’t need big government to interfere in the most sacred of all American rights, the right to unfettered greed.”

“It was a tough fight,” said Pete Domenici (R-NM), “but we were able to defeat the powerful Meals-on-Wheels lobby who have spent literally dozens of dollars to try and unfairly attack these important oil corporations. If those old people want a hot meal, maybe they should have planned for a better retirement like the one I’ll be getting as a member of Congress.”

The big oil companies have been frequent targets of the Democratic controlled Congress these days. So far, oil executives have been called twice to testify as to the high cost of gasoline, which has now moved past the $4 per gallon mark for the first time in history. “We need all these excess profits,” said Clarence Stengal of Exxon/Mobile, “If congress taxes us for excess profits, we would have to pass that along to consumer as we couldn’t think of lowering our profits, as lowering profits, just like the impeachment of our friend George W Bush, is simply off the table.”

“How can you expect a regular guy to make an honest buck if big government is unfairly attacking him with some il-advised Robin Hood scheme,” said J.J. Mulva, CEO of ConocoPhillips. Mulva earned 12 billion dollars in salary last week. “It is clear as the water in Prince William Sound [site of the massive Exxon Valdez oil spill], that the high cost of energy could be solved if the government would allow us to drill for Alaskan oil,” said Wayne Schneider of Shell Oil, “Just how twisted are the priorities of the Democrats who think it is more important to protect the caribou than to put gas in the Malibu.”

When told that due to the high price of gas, some Americans are being forced to choose between buying gasoline or buying bread, Laura Bush said, “That’s easy. Let them eat cake.”

BUSH: HISTORY WILL JUDGE ME A GREAT PRESIDENT EVEN IF I HAVE TO CHANGE HISTORY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – As his Presidency winds down, George W. Bush is looking for his legacy. “Some folks say I don’t have a legacy to stand on,” Bush said, “but when I looked into the eyes of Ronald Regan’s White House portrait, I heard him say, ‘you’re doin’ a heck of a job, Bushie.’ Regan is like a god,” Bush continued, “After all, he had all that hindsight in front of him to take Carter’s solar panels off the White House so that we could rely on foreign oil and give me a reason to be a war president.”

Bush claims to have elicited favorable comments from other presidential portraits. According to Bush, Herbert Hoover told him, “Now I don’t feel so bad about my great depression after I’ve seen how depressed you have made everyone.” Nixon said, “And they thought I was a crook.’ “Thanks for outdoing even me,” was the comment from James Polk, who many agree was widely considered the worst president until Bush.

“So,” Bush concluded, “if them books on the history of the world, which was what I majored in at Yale, or maybe I majored in the history of beer. In any case, when the book is thrown out at me with all that negatory stuff from those hate filled liberal press persons, I’ll have my daddy and the Supreme Court fixicate those books so that they’ll make me out to be the President I should have been.”

McCAIN SAYS HE’D LIKE TO SEE A MAN ON MARS: SPECIFICALLY BARACK OBAMA
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain said Thursday that he would like to see a manned mission to Mars. He would support such a mission as long as the man was Barack Obama and the mission would start immediately. “We can’t afford to wait to start this program,” McCain said, “or we will lose the space race to North Korea with their dangerous Sunis or Iran with their bad Arabs.” Former Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed for the need to move ahead. “You have to go into space with the equipment you have,” he said, so Obama should stop all his elite and bitter complaining that the program is neither ready or nor safe.”

McCain said he would be willing to spend tax payer money on a program because it would capture the attention of the American public, like the man on the moon did in 1969. A McCain spokesman said they have discussed the matter with Senator Hillary Clinton who expressed interest in sending Obama to the red planet. “He is such a good orator,” she said, “he could help the Democrats by turning the red planet blue.”

BUSH: IF DARWIN WAS RIGHT, I’LL BE A MONKEY’S UNCLE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush announced today his new initiative to make sure that Creationism is given equal time in public schools when compared to Darwin’s theory of evolution. “I don’t believeicate in that Darwin’s stuff,” Bush said, “I didn’t start out as a stupid wild disorderly monkey and then become the decider of the free world, that’s just non-sensical. My Presidency was created by my father and his friends who Supreme Courted me into the Oval Office of Hail to the Chief. That proves Creationism.”

“I am glad our President is taking a bold stand to crack these egg-head theories,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, “because these are the same name-calling wacko liberal hate-mongers who took Christmas out of the schools and are trying to tell our impressionable youth that it is no longer OK to stone gay students to death, even though it is clearly called for in the Bible.”

“Bush’s Presidency is further proof that Darwin’s evolution theory has big holes in it,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “Monkeys are aggressive, attack their neighbors for no reason, steal from the entire group and give the stolen booty to certain friends, all while pretending to know what the heck is going on. The President has conducted his administration nothing like that.”

McCAIN ON GAY MARRIAGE: I BELIEVE MARRIAGE SHOULD ONLY BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A RICH WOMAN
By R J Shulman
FLORENCE, Ala. – Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican candidate for President set forth his position on gay marriage today. “In order to keep the institution of marriage viable,” McCain told a rally at the Florence First Baptist Church of the Flaming Cross, “it should only be between a man and a rich woman.” He stated he would support a Constitutional Amendment that would ban same sex marriages.

“It works even better,” McCain said, “if the woman is a well stacked blonde who owns a liquor store or better yet, a beer distributorship.” McCain wife Cindy is a multimillionaire who owns Hensley & Co. which has made millions distributing beer. “I'm kinda startin’ to like that McCain fellah,” said Clemsy Winston, a 38-year old pipe fitter from Tuscumbia, Alabama, “I wonder if McCain could have that amendment say it’s alright if the blonde could bring her hot little sister along, too.”

McCain is currently campaigning in the south, trying to strengthen his support among the religious right. His campaign has hinted that he will be making a major speech tomorrow about his opposition to gay lobbyists, lobbyists who are gay and gay people in lobbies.

ROVE DENIES TRIAL OF 9-11 CONSPIRITORS TIMED FOR POLITICAL PURPOSE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Karl Rove denied that today’s announcement of the trial schedule of five Guantanimo detainees accused of planning the 9-11 attacks has something to do with the upcoming Presidential election. “The fact that we arraigned the five terrorists right after Obama sewed up the Democrat nomination is purely a coincidence. And it will be a further coincidence when the guilty verdict will come down the day Obama is officially nominated by the Democrat party at their convention in August.”

“I am tired of all the false accusations by the Democrats saying we are using the tragedy of 9-11 for crass political purposes,” said Rudolf Giuliani, wearing a button saying, ‘don’t forget America’s mayor and talking into a bullhorn in downtown New York. “I’ve told those people many times we would never sink so low. I’ve told them at least 911 times.”

Detainee Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, who was apprehended in Pakistan in 2003, is scheduled to face a military tribunal along with four others accused of involvement in the planning of the 9-11 attacks. “Mohammad is the number three in command of al-Qaeda,” said Brigadier general Tom Hartmann, “As you know, we had to kill al-Qaeda’s number two man six times, but will only have to kill the number three four times.” Mohammad has been waterboarded so many times that he is expected to win the Waterboard Internationals to be held a week before his scheduled execution. He has confessed to not only helping to plan 9-11, but to 79 other terrorist plots, the death of Anna Nicole Smith and for giving TriStar Pictures the green light on the Gigli movie.

“There will be one other coincidence,” Rove concluded, “in the final weekend before the November election, we will discover a high-ranking al-Qaeda operative named Hussein Obama Barack who will look into our camera and say “God Damn America. This guy will turn out to be a complete hoax of course, but that will not be discovered until the day after the election, but not before Fox News will blanked the airwaves with wall-to-wall coverage of this imposter for six days straight.

McCAIN: OBAMA USING THE WRONG FAILED IDEAS, MY FAILED IDEAS ARE BETTER
by R J Shulman
PHOENIX – In what will surely be the strategy of his Presidential campaign against Barack Obama, Senator John McCain blasted the Illinois Senator as being too young and naïve to know which failed policies to follow. “Obama is going down the wrong road with ideas like hope, change, peace, charity, opportunity, reconciliation, justice, fairness, prosperity and upholding the bill of rights, which are all failed polices of Nazi appeasers,” McCain said. “Come November, my friends, the American people will be embracing my failed policies of war, tax cuts for the rich, more war, breaks for corporations who ship jobs overseas, even more war, fear, loathing, hatred and did I say war?”

“McCain’s list of failed ideas is a much more mature list that those ideas spouted by Obama,” said Brit Hume of Fox News. “For the last 30 years we have been successfully failing with McCain’s policies, while Obama’s strategy has not been used all that much, which goes to show Obama’s lack of experience.”

“McCain’s ideas are more in keeping with the message of Christ that what Obama is talking about,” said Reverend Parsley, a McCain supporter. “Everyone who has accepted Him as their savior knows Christ prefers war to peace, helping the deserving rich over the despised poor and changing money in government and churches rather than just change.

HALLIBURTON WINS $9 BILLION NO-BID CONTRACT TO FIX SPACE STATION TOILET
By R J Shulman
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – Halliburton is no Johnny-come-lately to solving difficult and unique problems and their latest project is no exception – supplying a new pump to repair the malfunctioning john on the International Space Station. “When we heard that the Russian built toilet quit working, we were flush with excitement because we knew just how to fix the problem with our good old American ingenuity,” said Halliburton CEO Ted Lasar from their Dubai office.

“We had to forgo the usual bid procedure,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “as it was imperative we fix the unit immediately, if you will, because the sanitary condition on the space station was in its final throes.” “Nine billion is a bargain,” said a NASA spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, as they parked their brand new Lexus, “because you don’t want to be caught SOL up there. They might not hear you scream in space, but they can still smell you.”

Halliburton’s next project will also involve a clean-up of sorts. “We hear there is a real mess over at Scottie McClellan’s house,” said Sid Bartolo a company spokesman, “and we need to take care of it before there are any more unfortunate leaks.”

CUBS IN FIRST PLACE, END OF THE WORLD NEAR
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – With the Chicago Cubs not only in first place in the National League Central, but with the best record in baseball, global experts are predicting the end of the world. “Things got bad enough when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 and again three years later,” said Karl Meiner, Professor of Geology at Yale, “there were tornadoes, typhoons and earthquakes. But if the Cubs win, it’s all over for planet earth. Scientific studies show that within hours of a Cubs victory the North Pole will begin to boil.”

“I’m not worried at all,” said Tinker Chance a long-suffering Cubs fan. “Those guys will find a way to choke.” Vice President Al Gore plans a visit to Wrigley Field next week to talk to the team’s management. “I’ll try and convince them to get rid of their good players before the trade deadline,” Gore said, “to prevent the mother of all global warmings.”

“I’ve never been a Cubs fan, but I am one now,” said Reverend James Goodfall of the United Assembly of God’s Bloody Warrior Church of Corpus Christi, Texas. “If Chicago wins the World Series, Lord have mercy, here comes the four horses of the apocalypse. I can’t wait for Jesus to take me home.”

The Cubs have a record of 32-21. The last time they were in first place on June 1st was in 1908, the year they last won a world series. Just under six years later, World War I broke out.

DEMS REJECT CLINTON’S BID TO COUNT FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES;VOTE TO RECOUNT 2004 OHIO VOTES INSTEAD
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – To the surprise of everyone, after failing to come to a decision on whether to seat the disputed Florida and Michigan delegates, Democratic party officials agreed that what was needed was a full recount of the Ohio votes cast in the 2004 election. “We realized that the biggest disservice to the Democratic Party and to the world,” said Representative Robert Wexler of Florida “was when Senator Kerry gave up so fast on the vote count in Ohio, guaranteeing Bush a second and, if you can believe it, more disastrous second term.”

At first there was silence among the supporters of Hillary Clinton who wanted all of the Florida and Michigan delegates counted and an equally quiet response from followers of Obama who were hoping for some compromise. Then there were shouting and hugging as Democrats became instantly united. “I never thought I would hug an arugula chomping Obama supporter,” said Wanda Levitt and 63 year-old Hillary Clinton supporter, “but when I realized the enemy was Bush, I knew that the vote counting we needed was in Ohio in 2004.”

“Better late than never,” said Charles Olney of Cleveland, Ohio who had come to support Obama. “Without Bush’s second term, we would have a saner supreme court, torture would have been declared un-American as it should be and spying would be left to the movies and not our own government on we the people.”

While a small minority of Democrats had felt they had adequate proof that the Ohio vote was stolen in 2004 and that Kerry had actually won, this was the first time their theories were given a green light by the Democratic party. No viable challenge to the Ohio vote, which decided the 2004 election was raised at the time, as Kerry reacted swiftly by conceding the election. “I wish he had reacted that swiftly to the Swift Boat attack ads,” said a former Kerry supporter.

With Florida and Michigan no longer in play, Senator Obama will most likely declare victory this coming week. Sources close to the Obama and Clinton camps have said discussion are underway to solidify Democratic unity by running an Obama/Clinton ticket in the fall. “But first,” said Harlod Ickys, a Clinton advisor, “we will negate the Bush 2004 election and place Senator Kerry in the White House so he can begin to clean up the biggest pile of dog excrement ever created in Washington.”