McCAIN CELEBRATES FLORIDA VICTORY WITH “HUNDRED YEAR” SPEECH
By R J Shulman
BOCA RATON – Florida – In celebration of his winner-take-all victory in the Florida primary, Senator John McCain set forth his “hundred year plan.” “When I am President,” McCain told a group of followers, “I will make sure we stay in Iraq for one hundred years. Since I don’t know anything about the economy,” he continued, “it will take me a hundred years to learn something about it. Also, I propose fixing the levies in New Orleans and that should take about a hundred years. And my health care plan will assure every American that it will take at least one hundred years to pay their medical bills.”

“I congradicate McCain,” said President Bush as he watched the Florida results come in on his TV, “if I can’t be the decider for life, then it should go to a whole new generation, like John McCain who is not afraid to call a spade a liberal as we all know that liberal is a four letter word.”

FLORIDA REPUBLICAN PRIMARY MELTDOWN: GORE DECLARED WINNER, RECOUNT DEMANDED
By R J Shulman
MIAMI – What started out as a routine exercise in citizens selecting a candidate to represent their party in the Presidential race ended in a dispute of major proportions. The exit polls indicated a neck and neck race between John McCain and Mitt Romney, but when the votes were counted, the winner by a mere 537 votes was Al Gore.

“That’s impossible,” said Frank Whitman, a McCain staffer, “Gore is not only not a Republican, he wasn’t even on the ballot.” “We need a recount,” said Mitt Romney, “I didn’t spend a fortune of my own money to buy votes only to have Diebold [the voting machine company] steal my booty.” “We are all headed down to Florida,” said former UN ambassador John Bolton, “to make sure all of the votes get counted.”

There were scattered reports of some voters being blocked from casting their votes. “I got myself to the polling place to vote,” said Farley Grant of Jacksonville, “but when I got there they said I was so white that my name could not be detected on the white paper it was written on, you know the list of eligible voters.”

Ty Simms, a spokesman for Al Gore said, “Al has no objection to counting all the votes, but believes that the Supreme Court will once again stop a recount.”

BUSH ON STATE OF THE UNION: DON’T BLAME ME, GORE WAS THE REAL ELECTED PRESIDENT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained the original State of the Union speech to be given by President Bush. In this original version, Bush lists a number of dubious accomplishments, such as turning a record surplus into a record deficit, starting an illegal war and continuing a costly endless occupation in Iraq, the loss of New Orleans, the loss of American status in the world, the loss of jobs, the destruction of the middle class, the loss of civil liberties by American citizens, and the credit and foreclosure crisis. Bush then says “don’t blame me. Gore won in Florida, but failed to take the oath of office so I had to do it.” “I may have been reading My Pet Goat to those kids when 9-11 hit the two towers, but Gore was nowhere to be heard and since he didn’t bull horn his way into hearts and minds of the American people, I had to.”

Bush also commented that he also lost the election in 2004, but Kerry turned and ran so he had to take over the Presidency then. “This means that all of the bad stuff happened on a Democrat watch,” Bush concludes, “so the American people must understand that they have to electocate a Republican when the Republican nominator is selected when the American people exercise their right to vote on election time.”

FRED THOMPSON ANNOUNCES HE IS LEAVING THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE, BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE
By R J Shulman
NASHVILLE, Tennessee – A week after Fred Thompson’s announcement that he was retiring from the Presidential race, little notice has been taken of his leaving the race. A new ABC/Newsweek poll showed that 56% hadn’t noticed any difference since Thompson left the race, 34% hadn’t noticed any difference since he had entered the race and 10% was undecided as to whether he had ever entered the race.

“I hope my entrance in the Presidential race was helpful to the Republican party,” Thompson said just before taking his afternoon nap, “but I just needed to spend more time with my family, my Law and Order family.” Thompson then gave his support to Ronald Reagan who even though dead, still leads all other Republican candidates.

GENERAL PETRAEUS: GIVE ME JUST SIXTEEN MORE YEARS TO SEE IF THE SURGE IS WORKING
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - General Petraeus spoke before Congress today and said that it was still too early to tell if the troop surge is working in Iraq. “It would be a shame for the good work of our brave soldiers to go down the drain because we lacked the patience to see if what they were doing was worth it.” He presented a plan that would continue the troop’s presence in Iraq for sixteen more years before making a decision on withdrawing the troops.

There is some concern of the continued cost of the Iraqi operation. The latest estimate is that it is costing the United States 343 million dollars a day for the operations in Iraq. “We are the greatest nation the free world has ever spit forth,” President Bush said, “sos it would show a real lack of not having ingestinal fortitude if we would let the not spending of a few dollars soil the reputation of our brave mission accomplished troops that we need to show our support to.”

BUSH’S NEW STIMULUS PACKAGE: BRING BACK SLAVERY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush announced a sweeping economic stimulus package to bring the United States back from it’s current woeful economic state by reinstating slavery. “The only way to competicate with all that cheap low-cost inexpensive labor in China is to have even more cheaper labor, and that cheaper labor is slavery.” “Forclosin’ back the land is too slow,” Bush continued, “so I can more immedicate the situation by un-proclomating the emancipation proclamation.”

“These people,” said Barbara Bush who toured an area in Detroit hard hit by unemployment, “are very underprivileged, so this should work out very well for them.” The stimulus package includes massive tax breaks for the ultra rich, allowing child labor, and suspending costly OSHA safety rules and anti-pollution laws. “The President can get a buy-in from the American people,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “by giving out an IRS rebate of about 20 pieces of Silver.”

BUSH ISSUES EXECUTIVE ORDER TO “TEACHICATE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ABOUT GOOD FINANIAL MONEYS”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – With an eye toward the mortgage crisis and flagging economy, President George W. Bush issued an executive order promoting financial literacy. “I will learn the American people to be wise owls with their wallets,” Bush announced.

“First, the American people must understand that they cannot waste their hard paid cash on stupid foreign adventures overseas,” Bush warned. “Then they should be careful not to waste money on greedy friends who know they have dollars to burn on projects where they don’t get the lowest bidders. If America had only followed my lead,” Bush said, “we wouldn’t now be up a paddle without a creek.”

PRESIDENT BUSH CELEBRATES MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY BY REVEALING THAT HE ALSO HAD A DREAM
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush observed Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. day at the National Library. He was scheduled to read about Dr. King to a group of first graders, but tapped a Washington teacher at the last minute to perform the reading. “Thank goodness for that teacher,” Bush said, “all I had on me was My Pet Goat and I think the kids wanted to hear something about that King fellah.”

After the reading, the President told the class, “it shows you that no matter how not-rich you might be, you don’t have to become a killer but can grow up to have major streets named after you in every bad ghetto and scary neighborhood. Now me and Dr. King were a lot alike,” Bush continued, “You see, I had a dream, too about going to the mountain top only in mine I owned the mountain top.”

BUSH TO SAUDIS AND EGYPTIANS: LET MY PEOPLE GO ON YOUR OIL
By R J Shulman
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia - Before leaving the Middle East, a land full of rich photo ops, President Bush pleaded with the leaders of Saudi Arabia and Egypt to produce more oil. “Just like in Biblical times,” the President said, “when those that walked like an Egyptian didn’t allow the Jewish folks to have leavened bread and made them eat bagels and lox instead, we need their predecedents to open up the spigots and produce more oil barrels.” Saudi Arabia responded by saying that governments shouldn’t get involved with business decisions and should trust market forces. Bush apparently didn’t counter that argument, as it has used that reasoning in its own regulation of business.

“I was surprisicated,” Bush said privately, “as I offered everybody, the Saudis, the Egyptians and the Israelis lots of weapons. I fully expected with all the weapons I’ll be sending that part of the world that by the time I’d left, the Middle East would be up in arms, way up in lots of arms.”

ROMNEY: IF I CAN’T BUY MICHIGAN VOTES, I’M MAY HAVE TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES
By R J Shulman
SAGANAW, Michigan – In a candid interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney said that Michigan is a must win state. “I have spent a fortune and flip-floped all over the place to win the nomination,” he said, “tactics that have worked for most everyone else. If I can’t capture my home state I may have to take drastic measures.”

When asked if he would quit the race if he did not win today, Romney said, “Hell no, I will just have to use my ace in the hole. I am going to sell my soul to the devil.” Romney stated that he has already begun negotiations. The Post Times Sun Dispatch was not able to confirm this report as Dick Cheney was not available for comments.

McCAIN: IF ELECTED I WILL BRING CLOSURE TO VIET NAM ERA BY BOMBING IRAN
By R J Shulman

FLINT, Michigan – Republican Presidential front runner John McCain unveiled his plan for bringing the country back together amidst an era of partisan bickering. “We can heal the wounds of the Viet Nam era and the 60’s by bombing the crap out of Iran,” McCain told a gathering in this declining manufacturing city. “Just like we came together in World War II and overcame the petty differences, we can all join in the destruction of the great Satan, Iran.”

“I agreeicate with Senator Don McLean,” President Bush said, after he learned of McCain’s plans, “Them Iranians have some pretty mean speed boats and so we should bomb Iran back into the stoner age.”

BUSH DISCOVERS UNREST IN THE MIDDLE EAST
By R J Shulman
JERUSALEM – President Bush announced today that he is pleased that he took a trip to the Middle East because he now knows, “there is a truck load of unrest here.” “At first I thought,” the President said, “that the folks here just needed to rest better on one of the Tempura-pedic or Sentra mattresses, you know the one where they count the cute little goats who talk, but it’s more complicatious than that. What they need here in the Middle East is some un-war.”

The President then unveiled his “Roadwork to Peace Plan.” “I have decided to call on the pardination of Rodney King so he can leave the LA County jail and come here and sit down with the Palestinians and Israelis and tell them, “why can’t we all just get along?’

WITH CAMPAIGN FUNDS RUNNING LOW, GIULIANI CALLS 911
By R J Shulman
BOCA RATON, Florida – When Rudy Giuliani discovered that he was low on funds for his Presidential campaign, he first asked his staff to work without pay and then called 911. “He looked at the polls and the money that Mitt Romeny had,” said an unnamed staffer, “and then started screaming ‘911, 911, why the hell can’t I get help from 911?’”

Giuliani had not actively campaigned in Iowa or New Hampshire, as he was banking on a big win in Florida. “He’s using the Bush 2000 strategy,” said W. Bill Williams, a political analyst, “which is to steal Florida to come out on top. He was planning to appeal to the former New Yorkers who had moved down to Florida to escape the cold weather and all the reports of the exploits of Giuliani’s various mistresses.” With his campaign collapsing, Giuliani was last seen running around the streets of Boca Raton with a bull horn.

AFTER HIS TERM IS UP, BUSH WANTS TO BE POPE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - "I've been decidicating what I want to do next when my term finishes its end," President Bush said in an interview with Brit Hume of Fox News, "and the only step up to being the leader of the free world is to be the Pope. You'd have to take that step first before you could be installed as God, which will eventually be handy for me as I will be able to talk to myself and God and God to me at the same time."

The interview will air on Fox next Thursday. In a candid moment, Bush told Hume, "Being Pope would be hard, hard work, but my words would be infailable, which means there wouldn't need to be any correctications of my words once they were spokified."

ROMNEY ANNOUNCES HE WILL BEGIN CAMPAIGN FOR 2012
By R J Shulman
MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced tonight that he is beginning his campaign for the 2012 Presidential race after a disappointing second place finish to John McCain in the New Hampshire primary. “This time I just didn’t get started early enough,” Romney told supporters, “besides by 2012 McCain will be so old he won’t remember what war we are fighting and will think an escalation or surge will work.”

“It’s a great idea for Romney to get an early start on the next race,” said political pundit Wayne Carlson, “as other candidates will have to get up early in the Mormon to beat Mitt in 2012.”

“That Romney fellah can dreamicate all he wants,” said President Bush, “but I’m the decider and I’ve decided to be President for life.”

BUSH: MISSING CIA TORTURE VIDEOS EATEN BY PET GOAT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush announced today that after a thorough internal investigation into the destroyed CIA torture tapes it was discovered that they were eaten by Monty, the President’s pet goat. “I guess my pet goat was starvicatng for hunger,” the President said, “as his daddy goat was unable to put food on his family, so he masticated on the CIA tapes that were advertently placed near his stall.” The President vowed he would read all about Monty’s new adventures to a first grade class sometime soon.

“I don’t buy it for a minute,” said Representative Henry Waxman of California, “The President knows that some hanky panky went on here and he is just looking to blame some scapegoat.”

OBAMA SURPRISED AT PRESS BEHAVIOR
By R J Shulman
MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said he was surprised by the behavior of certain white reporters, most notably Fox New Network’s Bill O’Reilly at a rally in Manchester. “I thought that white reporters would be thoughtful and gracious like African American journalists,” said Obama, “but this balding chunky white guy started shoving my staff aside and started yelling, ‘where is my MF interview.’”

Apparently Obama had not agreed to appear on O’Reilly’s show. “Bill O’Reilly acted like a mad man,” Obama said, “I mean that Fox News guy seemed fairly unbalanced. We’ll show you the taped report and you can decide.”

ANGRY IOWANS ABOUT TO SITCK IT TO THE REST OF THE COUNTRY
By R J Shulman
DES MOINES, Iowa – Andy Warhol once said that everyone gets fifteen minutes of fame. For Iowans, it gets one day, and that is today. The Post Times Sun Dispatch’s latest poll just hours before the critical caucus process begins, show that 85% of Iowans are madder than a wet hen and are going to do something about it.

“If we have to suffer here in the heartland,” said Fritz Mulder, a grain salesman from Shenandoah, Iowa, “I am going to make sure I vote for someone who will make everyone else suffer.” The sentiment was shared by Flossie McBride, a dental assistant from Mason City who said, “it will be hard to top George Bush, but we Iowans will work hard to send another colossal disaster to Washington.”

“Iowans have a deep seated anger toward the rest of America,” said psychologist Robert Ronan of Des Moines. “They resent the snotty attitudes of those that think Iowa is little more than a ‘fly over’ state made up of pig farmers and slow talking nitwits. Even when those fancy Hollywood folks try and feature the Midwest, they’ve passed up Iowa in favor of Oklahoma or Kansas as in the Wizard of Oz.”

“I am not going to throw my vote away on someone who has no chance to really mess things up in the world,” said Hank Buss of Fort Dodge. “If our neighbor Missouri is the ‘show-me’ state, then Iowa will be the ‘we’ll show you’ state after the votes are counted.”

BUSH TOUTS 2007 AS YEAR OF MISSION ACCOMPLISHMENTS
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush ended the year by issuing a statement from his ranch in Crawford, Texas. “I’ve decidicated,” Bush said, “that 2007 was a year full of 368 days of mission accomplishment.” The list of his administration’s achievements included:
1. Oil nearing $100 a barrel, a boost to oil companies that will spill onto the American economy
2. Successfully convincing the American people that a troop surge in the Iraqi war is not an escalation
3. rotating millions of homes to new owners who will be more responsible about making their mortgage payments instead of wasting the money on heath care and food
4. Keeping Hurricane Katrina from coming back
5. Only losing one Presidential Press Secretary
6. Keeping impeachment off the table and payments to cronies under the table
7. Showing how much the administration cares about the American people by taking time from their day to listen in on them
8. Keeping Americans safe from the torture of having to worry about global warming, while keeping a warm place in their hearts for torturing enemy combatants
9. Saving Americans from the high cost of providing health care to children, while saving million of stem cells

10. Performing so much singing, dancing, and enhanced truth telling to help keep Americans safe from America’s greatest enemy – a well-informed public.

SAYING GOD WILL “TAKE IT FROM HERE,” HUCKABEE TAKES BREAK FROM CAMPAIGNING
By R J Shulman
DES MOINES, Iowa – Saying that God wants him to be the next President, Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced he will just “hang out” until the Iowa caucus on January 7th. “I spoke with Him and He assured me that I’m His man,” Huckabee said.

Rival Rudy Guiliani was quick to criticize Huckabee saying, “that wimp is a quitter and never ran around New York yelling ‘9-11, 9-11,’ a must for anyone wanting to be President.” Huckabee responded by saying that even God rested on the seventh day. Besides,” Huckabee added, if Rudy want to complain about anyone slacking off, he should look at Fred “Napster” Thompson, Mr. Snore and Order