REAL FOX NEWS TOP TEN STORIES OF 2009
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - This is the time of year news networks present their version of the top ten stories of the year. Fox News is no exception, except their version may be, well, a bit questionable.

To keep them honest, the Post Times Sun Dispatch ran Fox News this past year 24/7/365 into our Hitachi SR8000 - F1 supercomputer to determine what stories were actually given the most emphasis by Fox News. So Fox News will present their countdown, and we will report ours and let you decide.

Fox News Top Ten Stories of 2009:

10. Illegal immigrant, Sonia Sotomayor was affirmative actioned on to the Supreme Court - cost of gardeners, nannies and maids will skyrocket.

9. Mortgage crises caused by government forcing banks to make home loans to welfare mothers.

8. Senator Ted Kennedy supports socialized medicine; dies of brain cancer.

7. Dick Cheney emerges from his bunker to become America's most beloved elder statesman.

6. Obama acts like a gay Frenchman as he retreats from his disastrous war in Iraq.

5. Michael Jackson supports socialized medicine; dies of heart attack.

4. Lazy union workers in Amsterdam allow underwear bomber on Northwest flight 253 where he commits the worst underwear attack on American soil, all on Obama's watch.

3. Brittany Murphy supports socialized medicine; you know what happens to her

2. Obama, the first gun grabbing, foreign born, slick talking, death panel loving, militant black Muslim terrorist to infiltrate the White House unceremoniously kicks Sarah Palin to the curb, even though she legitimately won the presidential election if not for all the fraudulent votes illegally cast by Acorn America hating activists, not to mention all the vicious attacks on Sarah by Communist journalists like Katie Couric.

1. Fox News wins its ninth consecutive truth in journalism award.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch wishes that all of our readers have the most wonderful year ever in 2010. Thank you for all of your support.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

KARL ROVE: SAME SEX MARRIAGES RUINED MINE
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Former top Bush aide Karl Rove blamed gay marriages for his divorce from Darby, his wife of 24 years. "Banning same sex marriage made things safe for me," said Rove. "But now that some states are allowing gays to marry, I can't stop thinking it may now be possible to do what I've always dreamed to do - marry George W. Bush."

Former President Bush, who was vocal about his opposition to gay marriage, says he is sticking to his guns that gay marriage should be against the law, but said same sex marriage was not illegal if the president did it. "My compadreate, Alberto Gonzales advisicated me with the fabulous news that I was still above the law and that I could become Mrs. Rove, or turd-blossom, as I fondly call Karl, could become the former first lady, Mrs. Bush"

Laura Bush said she didn't blame gay marriage for the difficulty she has had in her marriage. "What really sunk my ship," Laura Bush said, "were the laws that allowed sociopaths to marry." Former Vice President Dick Cheney said he might not be so opposed gay marriage if, "gay couples were allowed to torture each other like normal couples do."

Former Senator Larry Craig blamed out of control hunky bare-chested gay airport bathroom attendants for putting a strain on his marriage. "I sure miss the good old days," Craig said, "when marriage was don't ask don't tell."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

OZZY OSBOURNE COMPLAINS ABOUT THE WAR ON SATAN
by R J Shulman

BIRMINGHAM, UK - (PTSD News) - Rock legend Ozzy Osbourne's newest mission is to bring to light the plight of someone who has, according to him, been unfairly attacked. "We hear that chap Bill O'Reilly on Fox blither on about some war on Christmas, but the real nasty piece of business is the war on Satan."

"You can buy all kinds of Christmas cards, Osbourne said, "but you never see one saying Happy Beelzebub's Day. And if you think they took God out of the American public schools," Osbourne said, "just see what would happen if a kid tried to worship Satan by lighting candles and reciting the Lords Prayer backwards." Osbourne also pointed out that children are indoctrinated from an early age that heaven is good and hell is bad. "No one has come back from heaven to prove it's all it's cracked up to be," Osbourne said, "but I've been to hell and back and can tell you it's not all that different than it is here, mate."

"Mr. Osbourne has a point," said Worely Grimlock, a Harvard Law professor. "The Constitution says noting about banning the worship of the Devil from government buildings." "How hypocritical is it," said Goddard St. Lucas of the Backwards Bible Society, "that we put In God We Trust on our money when everyone knows the financial world is ruled by the Devil."

"There is all this talk about peace in Congress," said Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), "but we keep finding new wars to get involved in. Honestly, we should create an official position for a Secretary of Darkness," Sanders said, "Although I think we had an unofficial one in Dick Cheney."

for the real news, Visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

US PREPARES FOR POST 12-25 WORLD
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The explosive device that was sewed into the underwear of Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab seems to have changed America forever. The bomb, which was designed to blow a hole in a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit on 12-25 failed to fully detonate and simply caught AbdulMutallab's seat on fire.

President Obama immediately condemned the attack and called for stricter security measures at airports. However, this did not stop Republicans from blaming the president for the attack. "Obama can't keep us safe, like Bush did," said former Vice President Dick Cheney, "and how dare the president be vacationing out of the country in Hawaii. You'd never catch George W. Bush on vacation while we were being attacked." Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) said, "This Umar guy is just the first of Obama's Black Muslim Hitler youth that this foreign born president is sending here to take over the US."

Republicans are demanding a 12-25 Commission to impeach President Obama for "allowing this unprecedented attack to happen on American soil," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Congress is also slated to pass the Patriot Act III, a measure that will allow government officials to inspect the underwear of suspected enemy combatants at airports. "I volunteer to make these inspections," said former Senator Larry Craig, "I will do anything to protect America, plus I won't have to tap or take a wide stance in airport stalls as I'll now be able to show my flaming patriotism out in the open." Republicans said they'd support the legislation when Democrats agreed to add an amendment that allows authorities to question women in secret as enemy combatants if they suspect the woman may be contemplating an abortion.

Others blame security at the Amsterdam airport who allowed the device on the plane to Detroit. "If those security workers weren't some over paid incompetent union workers, this never would have happened," said Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC), "which is proof that all unions should be outlawed." "The fault lies with the Dutch security workers because they have socialized medicine," said Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT). American security personnel said they never would have let this happen. "After all, we prevented Cat Stevens from flying into the US," said Waldon Smithfield, of Homeland Security, "and we wouldn't want him here subverting our resolve on the war on terror by singing Peace Train."

In has now been revealed that a similar explosive incident happened on Air Force One when President George W. Bush's pants caught on fire over New Orleans. The NTSB experts determined the fire was not due to an explosive device in the former president's underwear, but due to the lies he told to lure the US into the war in Iraq.

The ACLU is very concerned about more damage being done to the protections afforded by the Bill of Rights. "This is a dark day in America," said Ryman Brillstein of the ACLU, "if this new legislation passes, we will lose one of our most precious rights, keeping it a secret whether we wear boxers or briefs."

Senator John McCain disagreed, supporting Patriot Act III. "Like Americans needed to fear communists under the bed in the fifties, and terrorists drones attacking them after 9-11," McCain said, "we must now be very afraid of exploding Muslim underwear."

President Obama is meeting with his advisers as to whether to attack and invade Yemen, the supposed al Qaeda training ground for AbdulMetallub. "We are checking to see if there is enough oil in Yemen to risk putting our military forces in harms way," the President said.

for the real news, visit CLG at www.legitgov.org

ALL AGREE: JESUS DID NOT GET WHAT HE WANTED FOR HIS BIRTHDAY

by R J Shulman

BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania - (PTSD News) - Ronald J. Hosea, who has dedicated his life to tracking whether Jesus receives worthy birthday gifts on his birthday said this year like so many others were certainly not what the son of God would want for his special day. "The Price of Peace would be very unhappy to get the gift of a surge of troops in the Afghan war, continued fighting between the Israelis and the Palestinians, a passenger trying to blow up a jet plane on his birthday, not to mention the continued dire situation in Darfur," Hosea said. Hosea founded the Bearing Gifts Foundation in 1968 after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"In addition, Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple and spent his life teaching about helping those less fortunate, yet the American Congress had not only protected, but rewarded the money changers on Wall Street whose greed had devastated the middle and lower income classes and Congress made certain to protect the bonuses of the ultra wealthy health care moguls, while providing no real relief to the sick and the poor who are in dire need of medical help."

Hosea got got support from an unlikely source, Fred Phelps, the controversial pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church. Phelps said, "The baby Jesus is so very unhappy on his birthday because he did not get what he wanted. And we all know what he wanted most was that all homosexuals die horrible deaths and that obviously hasn't happened because there are still way too many hair salons and Cher has not been drummed out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame." Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich agreed, "Jesus would be horrified that America is headed toward socialized medicine, socialized government jobs, and that liberals want to punish the very ones who baby Jesus has honored with wealth."

"While encouraged perhaps by Gingrich's words, not every rich person is convinced they are the favored ones," said Hosea, "A group of the worlds richest men and women have recently funded the Eye of the Needle Project, in which they are trying to find a easy way to get a camel through the eye of a needle, to thus ensure their easy access to heaven as told in Matthew 19:24."

"I think the only time Jesus got appropriate birthday presents was when he got those wonderful gifts from the original three wise men," Hosea said.

for the real news, visit CLG at www.legitgov.org

SANTA INJURED IN SLEDDING ACCIDENT
by R J Shulman

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - (PTSD News) - Santa Clause received serious life threatening injuries after his sled careened out of control and crashed into a snow bank 35 south of Anchorage. Doctors report Clause is in critical condition. NORAD, who has tracked Clause's flights since 1955, notified local authorities something was wrong. Alaskan State Police found Clause face down in the snow next to his overturned sled. "One minute the fat man is on our radar over Wasilla and then he goes wonky and fell like a stone," said U.S. Air Force Col. Dan Harrington at NORAD's Colorado Springs headquarters. Ladd Air Force base also reported Santa down.

"We are treating an obese middle aged man," said Doctor Jonas Poncelli, of Anchorage General Hospital, "who would be doing a lot better if he didn't have a diet so full of lactose and sugar. I think he suffered a head injury," said Poncelli, "He told some wild tale of being followed by a helicopter like the one he said he got for this nice kid Billy in Kokomo, Indiana and claims he heard a female voice say, 'I can see Russia from here,' and heard a pop. He said one of his flying reindeer named Rudolph went down and the other reindeer got spooked."

Police have reported finding a headless body of a reindeer about a mile from the crash but are not sure if the two incidents are related. In addition, to being cited for failure to wear a helmet, Clause was ticketed for having an unbalanced, unsecured load, which spilled packages over a wide area.

"This is obviously part of the war on Christmas," said Bill O'Reilly on Fox News. "What's next for these heathens, crushing a Christmas creche?" "I am not about to cry over a dead reindeer," said Glenn Beck, who paused from a twenty minute on-air crying jag, "that reindeer's nose was red, an obvious giveaway that he was a spy for the red communists in the Soviet Union." "These reindeer are a bad influence for our children," said TV evangelist Pat Robertson, "especially since any male reindeer named Prancer is certainly gay."

"Where is George W. Bush when you need him," said Sean Hannity. "W would never have let us get attacked on American soil like this." "Is Obama anywhere to be seen?" asked talk show host Laura Ingram. "No. The Muslim terrorist has run off to Japan to celebrate Kwanzaa." "It's about time someone took a shot at that vermin Clause," said Michael Weiner, better known to his followers as Michael Savage, "that fat bastard sings 'Feliz Navidad' to diseased Mexican children and then has the gall to bring their sickness here to infect our kids."

When asked whether she had anything to do with the alleged shooting incident, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin said, "It's not my fault if the liberal press attacks me when the truth is that Clause has been known to pal around with terrorists and had been spreading anti-American socialist propaganda like peace, joy and good will to all men." In a related incident, Alaskan authorities are questioning Palin about a invoice she submitted from Klondike Taxidermy in Anchorage in which she wanted to use state funds to pay for the mounting of a reindeer head with a shiny red nose.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

SUPREME COURT RENAMES USA "CORPORATE STATES OF AMERICA
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The US Supreme Court upheld the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals' decision that an obscure portion of the 1978 Truth in Advertising law applied to the name of country and ordered the United States of America be officially changed to the Corporate States of America. "This is a great victory for the truth," said Myron Weinberg of the ACLU who had brought the suit on behalf of Luka Wolinski a Cicero, Illinois butcher who claimed state and federal laws favored big corporations making the name of the country misleading. "The only thing uniting the fifty states is that they have been bought and paid for by large corporations," Weinberg said. A jubilant Wolinski told reporters, "Even though the laws that favored the big boys made me go bankrupt, today's ruling is still a victory for the little guy."

The Corporate States of America is a more honest and legally appropriate name for the country," said Crandall Wolsey, a Yale Constitutional Law professor, "for years the courts have upheld the notion that corporations have all the rights of a person and with all the resources of corporations it has made them more equal than people. At least now we can call the country for what it really is."

While there has been an outcry against the name change, the southern states seem pleased. "Corporate States of America or CSA brings back some fond memories for the South," said Chester Worley Throckmorton IV of Charleston, South Carolina. "With the true name now out in the open, we hope the corporate rulers will lower the minimum wage all the way back to zero for certain kinds of people, if you know what I mean."

"It's about time government bureaucrats stopped trying to regulate business," said Monica Burnett of Privatize This, a group supporting moving all government functions to the private sector. "Now we can finish the business of having business regulate the government."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

GOP RIPS DEMS ON PASSING HEALTH CARE:STOP OBSTRUCTING OUR OBSTRUCTIONISM

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican leaders condemned Democrats for pushing through a health care bill, despite the GOP's unified effort to block passage in the Senate. "Those Democrats simply want to stop us from stopping passage of any legislation Obama might sign," said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, "and the most disturbing thing is they are sabotaging our obstruction for purely political reasons."

"The Democrats simply hate the Republicans," said talk show host Glenn Beck, "so it's no wonder they've have viciously attacked our two most fundamental core belief systems, creationism and obstructionism."

"The only way the Democrats could get this monstrosity through the Senate was to make shameless bribes," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "Of course, when we Republicans do it to pass our bills, it's simply an exercise of the free market."

Even with a majority in the Senate, Democrats were unable to agree on a health care bill, until now. "We sort of had to take all of the health care out of the bill," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, "besides the legislation is already over 2000 pages, so pulling out all the health care reform material helped to make the bill more concise."

On the contrary, the Republicans, from day one of the Obama presidency have voted in unison to block passage of any bills. "Legislation is like an illegal drug, and we just say no," said Arizona Senator Jon Kyl. "and if the country goes to hell and we get criticized for stopping needed legislation, our defense will be that we were just following orders. We might even use German accents for old time's sake when we say those words."

"The reason we were able to get this compromise passed is while two wrongs don't make a rights, three lefts make a right," said President Obama. Once we got three lefties, Sherrod Brown, Bernie Sanders, and Chris Dodd to agree, it equaled a right."

William W. McGuire, CEO of UnitedHealth Group said he didn't care about fights between Republican and Democrats as to who the real obstructionists are as long as the final outcome doesn't obstruct his salary, perks or bonuses.

"It's ironic that a government that's all stopped up and can't let anything to pass through," said former Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, "has just laid a major dump on the American people."

"We are so proud that Congress and President Obama by their actions show they understand they are supposed to serve the public," said former Presidents Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush in a written statement. "And what is so pleasing is that they've not forgotten the words of the founding fathers that this is a government above the people, by-pass the people and fought the people."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

DECADE REVUE: WHAT WILL 00'S BE REMEMBERED FOR?
by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - As the decade winds to a close, pundits and wannabe sages are sharing their top ten lists of the decade. But perhaps more important and certainly more lasting, will be what future generations will remember as the crowing achievement of the first decade of the 21st century?

Many remember the 30's as the era of the Great Depression, the 40's for the Greatest Generation, the 50's for tail fins, rock 'n roll and lives of quiet desperation, the 60's - well who the heck can remember the 60's? I will leave it to others to properly label the lack luster 70's or selfish 80's, but perhaps the 90's were marked by NAFTA and that devil with the stained blue blue dress on.

So what of the 00's or perhaps "uh-ohs" as they should be called?" Only time will tell, but here is a list of some of the events that those who follow us may remember the decade that is soon to enter the history books.

So take your choice or add your own.

The 00's will be known as the decade when...

1. Your vote didn't count

2. Torture became acceptable

3. It was discovered that hating gays was what Jesus would do

4. Your house was not your castle, but your albatross

5. Starting preemptive wars of choice was patriotic

6. Intelligence was not a requirement to become president of the United States

7. It was determined health care insurance company profits were not a privalege, but a right

8. The rise of faith based science and the fall of the theories of evolution, prehistoric history and climate change

9. The United States became a wholly owned subsidiary of China

10. Hating others became an American family value

11. TV and reality switched places

12. The president guitared while New Orleans drowned

13. A President allows the worst attack to occur on American soil and becomes a hero for it

14. Tiger Woods implodes and is named athlete of the decade

15. Sarah Palin...need we say more?

16. Wall Street Madoff with all our money and got bailed out for it.

17. The most misleading phrase in the English language became "Fox News"

18. Social networking sites took the place of social networks

19. Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage became more popular than God

20. Texting while driving was added to the list of dangerous activities to do while hurtling down the highway

21. The war on the middle class replaced the war on poverty

22. The world became flat again

So what will this decade be known for? Perhaps all that matters is that the 10's can't get here soon enough.

for the real news, visit CLG at www.legitgov.org

AFTER BEING HELD HOSTAGE, HEATH CARE BILL READY FOR FINAL VOTE
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Health care reform is on its way, or is it? After months of wrangling, the health care bill in the Senate will get its up or down vote. "With all the Republicans in lock-step knee-jerk opposition to anything Obama could take credit for, the Democrats need all 60 of their possible votes for change," said Calvin Hardcross of the Belding Institute, a Bethesda, Maryland think tank, "but what could have turned into a big chance for the Democrats to make good on the all important campaign promise of reforming health care, has instead become an opportunity for individual senators to hold up the legislation until their pet project has been added to the final bill."

Prime example is Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) who normally caucuses with the Democrats, but has turned the heath care bill into an insurance company bail-out. "Boy I'm I going to get lucky tonight," said Lieberman referring to the fact that his wife, Hadassah has worked for firms that support the insurance industry. Lieberman's amendment created a mandate to force 40 million new customers to purchase insurance from private companies, while not placing any restrictions on rates they can charge. "After schtupping the American public, I'm going to be doing a little schtupping of my own tonight," Lieberman said.

Senator Bill Nelson of Nebraska held the bill hostage until his amendment that banned the use of federal dollars to pay for abortions was included. "Since all money is either US currency or equivalent," Nelson said, "no one will be able to pay for an abortion in this country anymore."

Other Democratic senators have used their power to scuttle the bill unless they got what they wanted. Some of the new provisions added to the legislation include increased farm subsidies, turning abandoned auto manufacturing plants into places to grow medical marijuana plants, a brother-in-law's idea to make solar powered toothpicks, a bail out for typewriter companies, and 13 memorial statues in the likeness of the amendment's sponsor.

This bill has everything including the kitchen sink," said Senator Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) referring to the provision to give $25.7 million to American Standard to develop and manufacture kitchen sinks. "The only thing this bill doesn't have in it, is health care reform."

"This bill is a win-win-win-win-win-win-win situation," said Obama's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, "Each Democratic senator can keep getting their campaign contributions and Obama can take credit for passing a health care bill." Sources close to President Obama say when he actully signs the bill, he will borrow the famous words of his predecessor and say, "mission accomplished."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

22 MILLION MISSING BUSH EMAILS FOUND, GOP CRIES WITCH HUNT
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The Republicans have attacked the Obama administration for "sensationalizing a few emails that were lost due to computer glitches," said RNC Chairman, Michael Steele. "Just because these missing emails came from right before and after 9/11, during Hurricane Katrina, right before Valerie Plame was outed, and all during the build up to the Iraq war is no reason for the Democrats to cry conspiracy."

"This is in reality an excuse for a political witch hunt," said Kenneth Starr, the Independent Counsel who investigated Bill Clinton's extra marital affair, "as there is no hint of any blue dress having anything to do with the Bush Presidency." "Singling out Bush is so unfair," said Sean Hannity on Fox. "Why isn't the liberal press looking for the missing FDR emails? After all, he sided with the Soviet communists in World War II."

While the American public may not see any of these emails for at least a year, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that at least 200 of these emails were from George Bush begging someone to explain to him the ending of "The Pet Goat."

There are a series of emails between former Vice President Dick Cheney and a mysterious person called B. L. Zebub who Cheney called his "BFF." Cheney also sent an email to members of the Bush administration as well as to the CEO of Halliburton on the day of the Iraq invasion simply saying, "LMAO." In addition, there was an email from Bush's attorney Alberto Gonzales before he was Attorney General, in which he said, "not only is torture legal, it's fun."

Perhaps most shocking was the email from Michael Brown, the former head of FEMA in which he asked the president, "how am I doing with the plans to turn New Orleans into a huge Yachting and horse club." Everyone knows what George W. Bush told "Brownie" about the job he was doing, but now knows the complete context.

The emails were uncovered by computer technicians on behalf of two non-profit groups, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington and the National Security Archive who filed suit against the Executive Office of the President in 2007.

"We shouldn't wallow in the past," said Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, "we need to think of the future and the progress we need to make in stopping all reform."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

DEMS, GOP COMPROMISE ON HEALTH CARE: DON'T GET SICK, BUT IF YOU DO, DIE QUICKLY
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - After months of bickering and finger pointing, the Democrats and Republicans announced a compromise on health care reform they could both live with. "The Democrats want Americans to be well to get credit for reform and the GOP wants to save on costs and preserve health care industry profits, which makes this a win-win situation," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

"In this tight economy we can't have people be so irresponsible they get themselves sick," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "so punishing them with a fine if they get sick will be a good incentive for people to choose the right behavior." The Republicans have responded well to the call for people who get sick to die quickly as it saves money on treatment and preserves health insurance CEO bonuses.

Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, who strongly opposed any public option or reducing the entry age for Medicare, embraced this new compromise. "My wife Hadassah and I agreed this is a good way to keep her job as an insurance company lobbyist and for me to get those all important campaign funds."

"This is a change I can believe in," said President Obama, "Now I can move on to other pressing issues, like how to get another peace prize for escalating the war." Sarah Palin said she was glad that the bill does not put an end to the practice of denying coverage for pre-existing conditions. "I'm OK with this, unless of course, someone claims the pre-existing condition is more than 6000 years old."

"Even though I hate this bill that in no way improves health care," said outspoken Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla), "at least there has been an improvement in these hypocritical politicians level of honesty."

for the real news, visit CLG at www.legitgov.org

KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD CALLS FOR TEXTBOOK REVISION
by R J Shulman

TOPEKA, Kansas - (PTSD News) - By an nine to one margin, the Kansas State Board of Education voted to require all history books be revised before they are allowed in the classroom. "The textbooks that have been forced on us by the big left wing publishers from New York just don't reflect the the kind of truth we want our children to be exposed to," said Mildred Hockney of Independence, Kansas. "They've taken God out of our schools, so we revised the books to present facts in the way Jesus would have done," said Wayne Garvey of Overland Park.

Here are some of the new facts that will be mandatory for all history textbooks for Kansas public schools:

There was no history before 6000 B.C.

The Chinese did not invent the gunpowder, John Wayne did.

Homosexuals ruined all those big fat ancient Greek marriages.

Washington was not the father of our country, Reagan was.

The first Ten Amendments to the Constitution will be replaced with the Ten Commandments.

To be more fair and balanced, less will be written about Jefferson and Madison to make room for discussions about Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

FDR was a Communist, as he sided with the Russians in World War II.

The United States won the war in Vietnam but American hating liberals in the press never reported the truth and then encouraged the hippies to ruin America.

Woodstock and the moon landing were both a hoax.

Acorn committed voter fraud assuring that Obama would be the first gun-grabbing foreign-born Muslim to live in the White House despite Sarah Palin getting more votes.

Brownie really was doing a heck a job in New Orleans after Katrina hit, but the liberal press, who hated Bush wanted to bring him down by making a big deal of all of those looters drowning.

The US is number one in health care.

Global Warming is a hoax perpetrated by Al Gore and scientists who are jealous of the bonuses earned by oil company CEO's.

The theory of evolution is just a theory, while intelligent design is proven every day by all the wonders you see in nature.

"The Kansas School Board is right about one thing," said Wilbur Johnston of Liberal, Kansas who was the one dissenting vote, "evolution has not yet come to Kansas."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

OBAMA ESCALATES WAR, GETS PEACE PRIZE; BUSH CAN'T READ, GETS NOBEL FOR LITERATURE

by R J Shulman

OSLO, Norway - (PTSD News) - In explaining President Barack Obama's award of the Peace Prize, Noble Committee Chairman Thorbjorn Jagland said, "We gave the prize to Obama in hopes it would shame him into stopping the war." So far this may not have had the desired effect. When he accepted the award, Obama said, "when they said you could not get the Nobel Peace Prize for sending more troops into battle, I said 'yes I can.'"

Shaming the recipient into reasonable behavior seems to be the theme of this year's awards. The Noble Prize for Literature went to former President George W. Bush. "While it's true he had trouble even reading "My Pet Goat," said Jagland, "we thought awarding the prize would shame him into learning how to read things like memos that say Osama Bin Laden is about to attack the US." Upon hearing he'd received the award, Bush said, "Mission Accomplished" about his novel based upon his life called, "Moby Bush." However, reliable sources claim he had written only the title page.

Coleen Hauser, who intiatilly barred medical treatmrent for her son, 13 year-old cancer patient, Daniel Hauser, won the Nobel Prize for Medicine. This year's Chemistry Prize was won by Wang Xichol Chung of China for mixing the deadly chemical into pet foods. Chung's award was accepted posthumously by Win Ling Ho, because the Chinese government had executed Chung for his mistake.

The Nobel Prize for Physics was awarded to Tiger Woods for proving that two objects can't occupy the same space. "Not so much for finding out that an SUV and a tree can't do that, but that a wife and a mistress can't," Jagland said.

Finally, the Nobel Prize for Psychology was awarded to another American, former Vice President Dick Cheney. "Who better to know the psychology of creating group fear and spurring mass anger than Mr. Cheney?" Cheney was not present at the awards because he said Norway has socialized medicine and that he was too busy anyway, making an appearance on Fox News to stir up fear of terrorists.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

BILL O'REILLY: OBAMA SENDS TROOPS OVERSEAS WHEN THEY'RE NEEDED HERE FOR WAR AGAINST CHRISTMAS
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox's Bill O'Reilly went on the offensive against President Obama's plans to send more troops to Afghanistan. "We have a war raging in this country, the war against Christmas" O'Reilly said, "Yet Obama sends troops to Afghanistan, where everyone knows the War to save Christmas is lost. Christmas has never prevailed there, yet Obama sends good troops after bad."

"I am not surprised at all Obama is deliberately losing this war," said Sean Hannity, "after all, what does a foreign born Muslim care about the baby Jesus?" "This is much worse than Bush sending the National Guard to Iraq," said Rush Limbaugh, "because we only lost New Orleans back then. But now Obama is causing us to lose the most important and holy holiday of the year."

"I weep when I think of the Christ child being ripped out of the arms of our school children," said Glenn Beck, "and once Christmas is crushed, Obama and the liberals will rip the heart out of the Easter bunny." Beck is organizing a group called the "Holy Xmasers" to protest at Obama town hall meetings. "This movement will be so big it will make the Tea Partyers seem like a tea party," Beck said.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

SCIENTISTS LOOKING FOR SOURCE OF STRANGE SOUND NEAR EL PASO, SAN DIEGO AND DOUGLAS, ARIZONA
by R J Shulman

EL PASO, Texas - (PTSD News - Residents of several locations near the Mexican border have been complaining of hearing strange unexplained noises. "It sounds like a whooshing sound, but there is nothing there," said Felix Adama of Douglas, Arizona.

Scientists have been studying the phenomenon, first heard in 1993 in El Paso, but have yet to pinpoint it source. "It sounds like air escaping from a tire and produces the most volume the closer you get to the Mexican border," said Jessica Brody, a scientist from Stanford University, "but there is nothing visible to explain this noise. "I would describe it more like a giant out of control vacuum cleaner," said Eugene Chang of the University of Arizona.

This is not the first unexplained sound that has baffled scientists as they have been unable to uncover the source of the strange noise in northern New Mexico called the Taos hum. Regarding the whooshing sound near the Mexican border, Howard Leibstein of MIT has a theory that these blowing sounds seem to coincide with the closing of manufacturing factories in the US. "My chart shows when a plant closes in the US, the mysterious sound activity seems the strongest." No one has corroborated this theory and Leibstein himself cannot explain the connection.

There may be a new break in the mystery. Rudy Duarte of San Diego said he heard the same sound when he visited China. "When the jet flew over the Chinese border I heard a weird noise. At first, I thought there was something wrong with the jet and got scared until I realized it was the same sucking noise I heard near Mexico." Doris Hutchings of El Paso said she heard the same sound when she recently visited India.

Ronald Grossberger of the Economic Institute in Greenwich, Connecticut has a different theory. "This is the giant sucking sound of American jobs being lost that Ross Perot said would happen if we signed NAFTA," Grossberger said.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch tried to contact Perot for his take on Grossberger's theory, but he was unavailable for comment as he was en route to the new Perot Systems headquarters in Guadalajara, Mexico.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

PALIN ON THE POSITIVE POWER OF PRAYER: I ASKED FOR HUCKABEE'S DEMISE
by R J Shulman
SIOUX CITY, Iowa (PTSD News) - Sarah Palin took one step closer to announcing she will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2012 when she told supporters she was not surprised Mike Huckabee's political career suffered a major blow. When he was governor of Arkansas, Huckabee granted clemency to Maurice Clemmons, who allegedly killed four policeman in Washington State. "I had no doubt," Palin said, "that He would listen to me and my prayer group when we asked for Huck's luck to run out."

"We asked the good Lord to smite Mike, so our Sarah could be the front runner with the righteous voters," said Marjorie Spack, a member of Plain's prayer group. "We got our idea to use the power of healing prayer to bring down Huckabee from Rush Limbaugh who said he prayed Obama would fail," said Spack's daughter, Roxeena. "And look how that foreign born White House Muslim's approval ratings have plummeted. Now, that is surely the work of God."

Huckabee told Sean Hannity of Fox the release of Maurice Clemmons was entirely the fault of his predecessor Bill Clinton "who appointed all those Godless liberals to the Arkansas parole board who recommended Clemmons be granted clemency." "I hate to see this happen to a good man like Mike, but he should have known forgiveness is the province of God and not that of a governor," said TV evangelist Pat Robertson, "I only hope after shooting those policeman and before he died, Maurice Clemmons took Jesus as his savior so he could go to heaven."

"This bad upsetting tragedy happened because Arkansas is kind of backwards and doesn't fryicate prisoners until they're killed dead, like I did in Texas," said former president George W. Bush.

When told she was still far behind most other potential presidential candidates in the polls, Palin said, "Well, I guess it looks like we've got a lot of praying to do."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.com/

TIGER CHEATED WITH PALIN, BOUGHT ANGELINA CHILD; ALL OTHER NEWS ENDS FOR INDEFINITE PERIOD

WINDERMERE, Florida - (PTSD News) - Tiger Woods may have apologized to his wife for a marital indiscretion, but many now believe he owes an apology to the whole world after it came to light the woman he had an affair with was Sarah Palin and that Woods apparently paid an undisclosed sum to Angelina Jolie for one of her children.

"The Tiger Woods stories have completely taken over the media," said Forrest Dalton, a media watch expert, "there will be no other news covered for the near and not so near future." "We've can't get enough of this story, "said Johnathan Klein President of CNN News, "we are covering this baby 24/7 and I mean 24 days a week, seven years straight." "Just think if Tiger hadn't gotten distracted by texting Sarah Palin, he wouldn't have hit that fire hydrant and we would be stuck having to report the real news, the boring news," said Sean McManus, CBS News President. "The whole fault for this affair rests with Barack Hussein Obama," said Roger Ailes of Fox News.

"This is as if the government shut down the media to avoid public scrutiny," Dalton said. "Not as if... it is a government conspiracy to shut down the media," said Alex Jones, a controversial investigative journalist. "Americans will not be able to hear that Wall Street has raided Fort Knox, the war in Afghanistan is being run by KBR and Raytheon, that we have reached the point of no return with devastating climate change, and that 9/11 didn't really happen on 9/11."

The only other news that managed to get some attention in any of the media was the story that Michael Jackson is still dead.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

OBAMA ON AFGHANISTAN: STUCK BETWEEN IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - President Obama unveiled his Afghanistan plan, which is basically to send more troops into battle to wind down the war. Welcome to newspeak, to 1984.

While the president's actual plan did not come as a surprise, what has caught everyone off guard was what the Commander in Chief said in private, a comment that was leaked to the press. In a moment of candor, President Obama said to an aide, "If I don't send in more troops, the Republicans and corporate media will say I'm a gay French surrendanista and if I don't bring the troops home, most Dems will call me a war monger who didn't keep promises."

"For once I agree with the president," said Karl Rove after hearing that comment. "He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't and I friggin' love it."

While the president tried to thread the needle, he may have ended up in the crossfire. "How stupid to give a timetable for pulling out," said Dick Cheney,"when we leave, al Qaeda will take over and the rest of the world will fall like dominoes, just like what happened when we surrendered in Vietnam." Democrats have are calling the Obama Administration Bush's third term.

Other critics have suggested the President should have taken different action. "The chief decider has wasted a perfectly good opportunity to invadicate Iran," said former President George W. Bush. "Who cares where the threat really is, everybody knows there ain't no oil in Afghanistan." "Why aren't we attacking the Soviet Union," said Glenn Beck, "just how many Communists are there really in Afghanistan?" Talk show host Michael Weiner, who uses the air name Michael Savage disagreed, "we should invade Mexico just to get even with them as they've been invading us for years." Finally, Sarah Palin suggested shooting the Taliban from helicopters. "If I were the president, I'd offer a reward to any soldier who brought me the left foot of a terrorist."

The president did receive support from a Senator who has generally been at odds with him. Joe Lieberman (I) of Connecticut said he was happy the president was sending more troops. "This expansion of the war will cost so much money we won't have any left for health care reform."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/