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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

by R J Shulman

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - (PTSD News) - Santa Clause received serious life threatening injuries after his sled careened out of control and crashed into a snow bank 35 south of Anchorage. Doctors report Clause is in critical condition. NORAD, who has tracked Clause's flights since 1955, notified local authorities something was wrong. Alaskan State Police found Clause face down in the snow next to his overturned sled. "One minute the fat man is on our radar over Wasilla and then he goes wonky and fell like a stone," said U.S. Air Force Col. Dan Harrington at NORAD's Colorado Springs headquarters. Ladd Air Force base also reported Santa down.

"We are treating an obese middle aged man," said Doctor Jonas Poncelli, of Anchorage General Hospital, "who would be doing a lot better if he didn't have a diet so full of lactose and sugar. I think he suffered a head injury," said Poncelli, "He told some wild tale of being followed by a helicopter like the one he said he got for this nice kid Billy in Kokomo, Indiana and claims he heard a female voice say, 'I can see Russia from here,' and heard a pop. He said one of his flying reindeer named Rudolph went down and the other reindeer got spooked."

Police have reported finding a headless body of a reindeer about a mile from the crash but are not sure if the two incidents are related. In addition, to being cited for failure to wear a helmet, Clause was ticketed for having an unbalanced, unsecured load, which spilled packages over a wide area.

"This is obviously part of the war on Christmas," said Bill O'Reilly on Fox News. "What's next for these heathens, crushing a Christmas creche?" "I am not about to cry over a dead reindeer," said Glenn Beck, who paused from a twenty minute on-air crying jag, "that reindeer's nose was red, an obvious giveaway that he was a spy for the red communists in the Soviet Union." "These reindeer are a bad influence for our children," said TV evangelist Pat Robertson, "especially since any male reindeer named Prancer is certainly gay."

"Where is George W. Bush when you need him," said Sean Hannity. "W would never have let us get attacked on American soil like this." "Is Obama anywhere to be seen?" asked talk show host Laura Ingram. "No. The Muslim terrorist has run off to Japan to celebrate Kwanzaa." "It's about time someone took a shot at that vermin Clause," said Michael Weiner, better known to his followers as Michael Savage, "that fat bastard sings 'Feliz Navidad' to diseased Mexican children and then has the gall to bring their sickness here to infect our kids."

When asked whether she had anything to do with the alleged shooting incident, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin said, "It's not my fault if the liberal press attacks me when the truth is that Clause has been known to pal around with terrorists and had been spreading anti-American socialist propaganda like peace, joy and good will to all men." In a related incident, Alaskan authorities are questioning Palin about a invoice she submitted from Klondike Taxidermy in Anchorage in which she wanted to use state funds to pay for the mounting of a reindeer head with a shiny red nose.

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