MEMOS PROVE TORTURE SAVED LIVES, BUT NOT FOR REASON CHENEY SAYS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In the last few weeks, former Vice President Dick Cheney has been calling on the Obama administration to release CIA memos that in his words “prove that enhanced interrogation such as waterboarding saved thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of lives.” Senator Carl Levin, chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee said he’s seen the memos and they prove nothing of the sort. However, there is strong evidence the two are not referring to the same set of memos.

While the Central Intelligence Agency memos do not support Cheney’s claims that torture works, memos from the former vice president’s psychiatrist, Dr. Hecotor Cia, tell a different story. The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the Dr. Cia memos in question and they present a strong case in support of Cheney’s use of torture probably saved millions of lives. One memo, written in April of 2002 said, “Dick’s ability to ease his overwhelming rage by taking it out on detainees being held in the Guantamamo prison facility so far has kept his trembling hands from pushing the button to nuke a place like Massachusetts, where they don’t generally agree with his policies.” On September 23, 2005, Dr.Cia writes, “Dick seems to be a new man after an all night session of waterboarding, kicking, slapping and something to do with a truncheon in lemon butter. The recent shooting of his friend in the face may just be an isolated incident.”

“I always knowed there was memotoriums that would cleanse Mr. Cheney,” said former President George W. Bush at his first speech after leaving office at a rally in Benton Harbor, Michigan. “If it wasn’t for Gitmo, Mr. Cheney could have done some really bad, bad things. When he’d get all wound up and was about to shock and awe someplace, lets say California, cause they don’t like him much there, I remindicate Dick that Gitmo was just a few hours away or tell him that I saw a sale at Home Depot for some slick new waterboard or truncheon.”

“I would hate to think of all of the loss of life that would have occurred if Dick was not able to used enhanced interrogation,” said Haillie Somatra of the Anxiety Institute of Indiana, “much as we might abhor his use of torture, it kept him from doing things much, much worse.”

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GOP HAD TALKING POINTS ON SOTOMAYOR WELL BEFORE HER NOMINATION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained talking points prepared by a group of conservatives to counter Obama Supreme Court nominations. The unsigned document, which was generated by a group of radio talk show hosts, called the Federation of Unified Conservative Talkers or FUCT, was circulated to scores of right-wing talk show hosts months ago, long before Sonia Sotomayor became a household word.

The following is the memo, which contained talking points that have already filled the airwaves on conservative talk shows:

Federation of United Conservative Talkers
Memo
Obama Supreme Court Nominations
If Barack Hussein, Hussein, Hussein, (did I say Hussein?) Obama does not pick a white conservative male for the court (like that commie is going to do that) here are your talking points:
1. No matter who is nominated, you say:
a. The nominee is the most liberal Supreme Court pick in history (do not get confused by any facts), and
b. The nominee is the most activist Supreme Court pick in history (do not get distracted by actually reading any of their decisions) and
c. Commiserate with your listeners that now the most oppressed people in America are now white men
2. If the nominee is a Hispanic woman:
a. All of the above plus,
b. She is not qualified (regardless if she graduated from an ivy league school or served on the bench for a long time)
c. She is the product of affirmative action, (if you need help on this one, Clarence Thomas is available for an interview on the evils of affirmative action)
d. She is a racist
e. She is a sexist
f. She should have been satisfied with a low level position like being a domestic or being a attorney for domestics
g. She probably got into this country illegally.
3. If the nominee is a black man:
a. All of the above, plus
b. Tell your listeners to lock their doors or this justice will make it legal for your wife and daughter to be turned into crack hos.
4. If the nominee is a Muslin:
a. All of the above, plus,
b. Tell your listeners to lock and load
5. If the nominee is a Jew:
a. All of the above, plus
b. Isn’t controlling the banks and the media enough for those Christ killers?
6. If the nominee is openly gay,
a. All of the above, plus
b. Kiss your marriage goodbye.
7. If the nominee is a paraplegic black lesbian,
a. All of the above, plus
b. Hallelujah, the Apocalypse is at hand.

Remember as a tribute to Rush, make sure you say that you want the nominee to fail.

“I knew this memo would come in handy as the Commie predictably pandered to the illegal Spanish vote with Sotomayor,” said talk show host Glenn Beck, “I am sick of all this PC crap that says I can’t call that beaner broad a sexy racist, I mean a racy sexist, heck, you know what I mean.” “What has America come to,” said talk show host Michael Savage, “when you can’t call a spade a spade and Hispanic woman a *****.”

Ryan Watson, an Obama spokesperson said, “it figures that the Federation of Unified Conservative Talkers would be sending out this hate stuff. It proves that no matter who Obama nominates they will get the FUCT treatment.”

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FRESH FROM CAL PROP 8 VICTORY, ANTI-HOMOSEXUAL GROUPS PLAN TO BAN GAY BREATHING
By R J Shulman
SACRAMENTO – (PTSD News) – The Anti Same Sex Education Society, better known as ASSES who successfully defended the California law banning gay marriage, announced today they will launch a new initiative to ban gay breathing. “If we allow gay people to breathe our air,” said Harold Sauer, spokesperson for ASSES, “they will ruin the institution of breathing for the rest of us. Traditionally, the air has been breathed by heterosexuals and we cannot support the assault of traditional values for the special interests of a few misfits.”

“We are tired of the homosexual agenda shoving the idea of special rights down our throats and up our posteriors again and again and again,” said William Redding, President of Gay Rights Undermine Decent and Good Ethics or GRUDGE, a conservative group that fought for Proposition 8. “If gays want to do some breathing, it should be something other than our air. Perhaps they should be allowed to breathe propane.”

“I am so afraid for my son,” said Midge Watson, a GRUDGE member from Odessa, Texas. “Right now he dreams of being captain of the football team, but if gays breathe his air, the next thing you know he could suddenly have the urge to buy a Cher CD and audition for ‘America’s Next Great Fashion Designer.’”

“Where will this end?” said talk show host Michael Savage. “First these gay vermin want to sniff the air, then it will be them sniffing fragrances and then glue.” “It is not a coincidence that Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York have some of the most polluted air as it is where all these gays live and breathe,” said Bill O’Reilly on Fox News.

The Mormon Church, which heavily supported the California ban on gay marriage initiative are not throwing their support toward the anti-gay breathing initiative. “We were interested in the marriage issue,’ said Ron Gelson, spokesperson for the Church of the Latter Day Saints. “Because if the laws were going to prevent us from marrying as many women as we want, then we sure weren’t going to let gays marry anybody.”

“If gays think that they are going to be allowed to breathe freely,” said talk show host Glenn Beck, “they’re going to have to hold their breath before we will allow that.”

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GOP GIRDS LOINS, PREPARES TO BATTLE SOTOMAYOR NOMINATION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Republicans are calling on their flock to oppose the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor, President Obama’s choice for the Supreme Court to fill the vacancy of the retiring David Souter. “We want someone that won’t be making new laws we don’t like,” said RNC Chairman, Michael Steele. “We don’t believe she will uphold our Constitutional freedom to shove our religious beliefs down everyone else’s throats, so its onward Christian soldiers to smite the Democrat enemy,” said former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee.

“We must realize just how dangerous this Sotomayor is,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner, “if she was on the bench in 2000 she would have voted against installing George W. Bush as president because she would have made a new law that would have required all votes to be counted before a winner is announced.”

“I want this nominee to fail,” said talk show host, and head of the GOP, Rush Limbaugh, “unless she has a sister who works as a domestic who could get me some more oxycontin.” “We must let the nomination come up for an up or down vote,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “But wait, that was when it was a Bush nominee. Now we have to stop this one from getting to the floor for a vote even if we have to fake another anthrax attack.”

Fox News will air a special on the historic nomination of Sonia Sotomayor. “Our fair and balanced report will be called ‘Activist Sonia Sotomayor – just when will she take your guns away and give them to homosexuals who know you were against gay marriage,” said Neil Cavuto, who will host the program.

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OBAMA TO TAP KIM JONG IL FOR SUPREME COURT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Barack Obama made a surprise announcement today when he named North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il as his choice to be the successor to Supreme Court Justice David Souter who announced his retirement. “This pick kills two birds with one stone,” Obama said, “it brings much needed change to the Supreme Court and will make Kim Jong Il way too busy to continue with his ill advised nuclear testing program.”

Obama aides explained that Il will help balance out the extreme Christian dominated positions of Justices Scalia, Roberts and Alito. “If I have to read one more opinion that reeks of ‘what would Jesus do’, I’ll puke,” Obama told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “so hearing ‘what would Kim Jong Il do’ will be a welcome relief.” “The President was not looking for a conventional pick for the new justice,” said Josh Kindly, an Obama aide, “so he didn’t want the usual one out of stodgy academia or one culled from the already overly politicized American courts.”

“My wife Michelle may make good on her promise to break her foot off in my posterior if I didn’t choose a woman for this position,” Obama said, “but she may just have to get in line behind all the Republicans who have been trying to kick me in that spot since day one.” Obama said the reason he chose Kim Jong Il is that he has the common touch as he “knows all about a bad economy, starving people out of work and yet be able to balance those problems with the need to continue long standing military spending.”

“I knew he would pick a Communist for the court,” said Republican House Minority leader John Boehner, “but I thought the commie would be from the Democrat party and not from North Korea.” Boehner said, “We must stop Kim Jong Il by any means necessary, even if we have to use the nuclear option, and I am not talking about a filibuster, I am talking about the nuclear option that Kim Jong Il knows about all too well.”

‘The American people voted for change,” said Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “and believe me, this is change.”

Neither Kim Jong Il or his seventeen look-alikes were available for comment.


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CHENEY: CANNIBALISM HELPED SAVE LIVES
By R J Shulman
WASHSINGTON – (PTSD News) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney said today that the Bush Administration’s use of cannibalism against al Qaeda terrorists at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, “saved thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of lives.” Cheney dismissed critics who said the practice of killing and eating detainees was barbaric and fundamentally un-American. Cheney called the eating of prisoners “legal, essential, justified, successful and the right thing to do.”

Cheney attacked President Obama’s decision to end the practice of consuming enemy combatants as “making America less safe and therefore very hard to swallow.” “In my long experience in Washington,” Cheney said, “few matters have inspired such contrived indignation and phony moralizing as the cooking and eating of a few captured terrorists.”

Cheney made his speech at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative think tank just minutes after President Obama spoke to the American people about the evils of eating others without a fair trial.

“After 911,” Cheney said, “Congress passed laws that gave the power to cannibalize anyone who is a threat to national security. Remember,” Cheney continued, “only detainees of the highest intelligence value were eaten.”

“It would be a horrible precedent for an incoming president to criminalize the acts of the previous administration,” Cheney said, “especially when all were trying to do was to keep America safe and develop a few new recipes.”

“Besides, eating the terrorists will keep them off the street and save the taxpayers the money it would cost to house them. Not only that, eating terrorists keeps us strong and fierce,” Cheney concluded, “as everybody knows, you are what you eat.”

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OBAMA: GITMO DETAINEES TO BE SENT TO AIG, CITIBANK AND BEAR STEARNS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Obama announced today at his press conference that the detainees at the Guantanamo Prison will be transferred to AIG, Citibank, Bear Stearns and other troubled banks and financial firms starting June 1st. “These detainees will need something to keep them out of trouble,” Obama said, “so sending them to these beleaguered firms will keep them completely occupied. Besides, they couldn’t mess things up any worse than the regular Wall Street gang did.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “the best way to win the hearts and minds of Muslim terrorists is not showing them shock and awe, but showing them the opportunity of good old American greed.”

Obama reversed himself on his plans for the outright closing of the Guantanamo prison facility. “My most important job as president is to keep Americans safe,” Obama said. “so I am keeping the prison open to keep the worst threats to the US off American soil and that will include disgraced financier Bernie Madoff, former Enron CEO Ken Lay who was found alive in the Cayman Islands, and the man who is the greatest threat to our democracy, Dick Cheney.”

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GOP UNVEILS BOLD NEW IDEA TO FIX ECONOMY, HEALTHCARE: ATTACK PELOSI
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The Republican party launched a new campaign today, to solidify their image to become the party of new ideas with a one point platform – Blame Pelosi. “We are no longer the party of “no” as the Democrat Socialists have tried to brand us,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, “we are now the party of ‘no Pelosi.’”

“We as Republicans have not been able to get this much media traction on an idea since Lincoln freed the slaves,” Steele said. “We weren’t sure this idea would work because after all, for the last five years Bush and Cheney blamed the CIA for misleading them into the invasion of Iraq with faulty intelligence. But somehow the media actually bought it when we attacked Pelosi for daring to claim the CIA misled her with information about torture.”

Thanks to our spanking new leadership of Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and John McCain,” Steele said, “the new Republican party can move the country forward. As Ronald Regan said, don’t look backwards at the failings of the party. And what better way to look to the future than to keep bringing up Ronald Regan’s name.” Steele said Republicans have already admitted their failures of the past eight years. “We weren’t able to eliminate all taxes for the rich, drill unrestrained in the pristine wilderness for oil or outlaw unions, but we have forgiven ourselves for that.” “We did some real soul searching,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, “and like the weapons of mass destruction, we found nothing.”

“Pelosi bashing is the best thing since Hillary bashing,” said a joyful Newt Gingrich. “And we didn’t even have to say she was a lesbian. Well not yet anyway.” “The ‘It’s all Pelosi’s Fault’ campaign harkens a new era of Republican philosophy,” said GOP strategist Rake Stevens.

“That you can do anything no matter how immoral or disgusting and not have to suffer the consequences if you move the focus to a political opponent who may have heard what you did.”

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McDONALDS SCRAPS INDIA CALL CENTER
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – (PTSD News) – McDonald’s Corporation announced it will close its customer call center in Mumbai, India due to a large number of patron complaints. The call center had recently been moved to India from Muncie, Indiana in a cost cutting move.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained the transcripts of some of the unfortunate calls that caused McDonald’s to change their minds about outsourcing their customer service overseas.

Call number 931
MUMBAI: (heavy Indian accent) – Hello, McDonalds. This is Bob Brown, and I’m loving it.
CALLER: I must have the wrong number. I was calling McDonalds.
MUMBAI: I can assure you that I know all about happy meals.
CALLER: Well, I bought this here angus burger, paid a pretty penny for it and it don’t taste no better than a regular cow.
MUMBAI: You did what to a cow?
CALLER: I et it, boy.
MUMBAI: You shouldn’t eat our precious and holy animals.
CALLER: What else you gonna eat at a burger joint?
MUBMAI: You could try one of the salads.
CALLER: Did Obama put you up to this?
MUMBAI: Obama is not my president.
CALLER: Mine neither. (click)

Call number 5,339
CALLER: I think I ate a bad Big Mac and I’m feeling sick.
MUMBAI: I would be sick, too.
CALLER: Thank goodness, someone who understands.
MUMBAI: What seems to be the mischief?
CALLER: What?
MUMBAI: The mischief of the problem you are suffering.
CALLER: I feel dizzy and can’t seem to focus. At least my hearing is not affected.
MUMBAI: Mush valish mumf gorp glashkot.
CALLER: What did you say?
MUMBAI: Brosh millish tyrox moonvar goosh nawr.
CALLER: Oh, God. Now it has affected my hearing.

Call number 23,948
MUMBAI: Welcome to McDonalds. My name if Bill “Scooter” Johnson and I’m loving it.
CALLER: You don’t sound American.
MUMBAI: I am American as Apple cake. Just ask me who won the Academy Awards for best picture.
CALLER: OK. Who won?
MUMBAI: Slumdog Millionaire.
CALLER: Hey, you cheated because you are Pakistani.
MUMBAI: I am not Pakistani.
CALLER: You Pakistanis are hiding Obama Sin Laden or whatever his name is.
MUMBAI: I hate Pakistanis. They blew up my brother on a train.
CALLER: I can’t believe I’m talking to a terrorist. Just hang on the line, Mohammed, while I call Homeland Security.
MUMBAI: (click)

Call number 96,822
MUMBAI: Hello. McDonald’s Palace. My name is Mary Smith and I’m loving it.
CALLER: Hey you’re from India. I love Indian food.
MUMBAI: Then why are you calling McDonalds?

McDonald’s announced the call center will move from India back to Muncie. “We should be up and running in about a week,” said McDonald’s spokesperson Bob Brown. “We can find great recruits from that whole bunch of out of work people diving in the dumpsters for scraps of food at our five conveniently located McDonald’s restaurants in the greater Muncie area.”

McDonald’s also announced it will fire Vice President of Customer Service, Bill “Scooter” Johnson who came up with the idea of the India call center. “All I can say about Scooter,” said Senior McDonald’s Vice President Mary Smith, “was that he was just plain McCheap.”

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GINGRICH:PELOSI MUST COME CLEAN THAT SHE KNEW I WAS DIVORCING MY CANCER STRICKEN WIFE

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Republican attacks on Nancy Pelosi have hit a fever pitch, led by Newt Gingrich’s demands that the Speaker of the House make an apology to the American people because she has not been truthful about what she knew. “We now know she was well aware I was going to the hospital to divorce my first wife who was suffering with cancer, yet Pelosi never objected to my action.” This follows an attack from Dick Cheney who said Pelosi had been briefed about “that rat-fink lawyer who got his stupid face in the way of my shotgun, but she chose to keep the American people in the dark. Such secretive behavior by a high ranking government official should be grounds for censure.”

Pelosi’s recent troubles began when she claimed she was misinformed by the CIA regarding enhanced interrogation techniques used on suspected terrorist detainees. CIA chief Leon Panetta shot back, “It is not the policy of the CIA to mislead members of Congress and it is not our policy to follow our policy of not misleading Congress and that couldn’t be any clearer for Pelosi to understand.”

A few Democrats have hinted that the focus of the torture issue should not be Pelosi but high ranking official is the Bush administration who ordered the questionable interrogation techniques. But Republican Senator Kyl of Arizona disagrees. “I’m not in favor of dragging the American people through a so-called ‘truth commission’ who will waste taxpayer dollars looking into the Bush administration’s illegal torture, illegal wire-tapping, illegal politicizing of the Justice Department, illegal outing of CIA personnel and illegal just about everything. I agree with President Obama who says we need to move forward, except for a thorough investigation of what Nancy Pelosi knew and when she knew it.”

“We got Pelosi just where we want her,” said GOP strategist Gip Skullcroft, “she’ll have to resign unless she can produce those secret CIA memos that show she was misled and if she releases those memos, she’ll have to resign for disclosing top secrets.”

Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas and Republican candidate for president posted a poem about Pelosi on his website: “She sat in a briefing about enhanced interrogation, but did not start her own investigation, so we should take aim at her without delay, before Obama takes our guns away.”

Gingrich concluded by saying, “due to Pelosi’s unacceptable behavior we may have lost the American dream forever and for that, she and the Democrat party should be outlawed immediately.”

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SHOCKING REASON OBAMA STOPPED RELEASE OF TORTURE PHOTOS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has uncovered the stunning truth behind President Barack Obama’s sudden turnaround on releasing the so-called torture photos. Far from the reason the President gave for withholding the photographs to protect our troops, the real reason lies more with the harm the photos could cause the President and his plan to solve the great problems facing America. The most damaging photograph is not of US soldiers mistreating terrorist suspects in Iraq, but it is an image of President Obama himself, cheering on a semi-nude Miss California, Carrie Prejean as she waterboards Nancy Pelosi.

“This is a triple threat to the stability of the country,” said a reliable source, who wished to remain anonymous. “First, you have the President clearly supporting torture, and second, Nancy Pelosi obviously knowing all about waterboarding despite her protests to the contrary, and third and most damaging of all, you have Miss Prejean in an obscene picture that threatens to tear at the skimpy fabric of the cherished Miss USA pageant.”

“What is even more devastating,” the source continued, “is that in the background of the photo, a motherly figure holding an apple pie is standing next to a Chevrolet that has a baseball glove on its hood. This one picture makes a mockery of everything America holds dear.”

“America wanted change,” Obama said, “so I changed my mind on disclosing the pictures. In fact, these pictures are so bad, I’ve changed my mind about Americans. When it comes to truth in government, I just don’t think they can handle the truth.”

Other pictures obtained by the Post Times Sun Dispatch show Dick Cheney in J. Edgar Hoover’s dress, a drunken US general surrendering to the French, Condoleezza Rice debriefing President Bush – and yes they were boxers, and most disturbing of all, pictures of Ann Coulter’s botched sex change operation. “You can’t blame Obama for trying to keep those images away from the American public," the source said, "No amount of psychoanalysis, drugs or shock therapy could erase those horrendous images.”

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NEW REPORT: PELOSI ENTIRELY TO BLAME FOR WATERBOARDING
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – A source close to the Bush administration claims in a new report that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi knew all about waterboarding, yet did nothing to stop it. “She was told in a 2003 CIA briefing that this technique was used on detainee Abu Zubaydah,” the source said, “yet she did not put a halt to it.”


“I had a feeling that waterboarding was not above board,” said former President George W. Bush, “yet the Speaker of the Senate, Nanette Paluka, did not stop me from waterboarding, so her successful failure to endicate my torture makes it all her fault.”

“We need to know exactly when and why Pelosi did not stop Cheney and Bush from waterboarding,” said Fox News’ Neil Cavuto. “Her lack of action demands that we begin impeachment proceedings immediately.” Other top GOP officials such as Joe the Plumber and Miss California, Carrie Prejean are also calling for Pelosi’s removal. This could prove embarrassing for Pelosi as she just put impeachment back on the table.

“We have proof that Pelosi knew that Dick Cheney was about to disclose Valerie Plame’s identity, yet Pelosi did nothing to stop the vice president,” said Sean Hannity. “Even more damning is that Pelosi knew Bush was lying the United States into a phony war in Iraq, yet she didn’t object. That is treason in my book.”

“We can’t let the liberals try and hold Bush and the Republicans accountable for destroying America’s reputation in the world, or for destroying the American economy or for destroying the lives of all the people killed in Iraq when Nancy Pelosi knew all about this stuff and did nothing to prevent it. Her flagrant inaction is enough to make you suck down a whole bottle of oxycontin. Come to think of it, Pelosi is responsible for my drug addiction too.”



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PREJEAN TO RUN AS GOP VP IN 2012
By R J Shulman
LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News) – The GOP announced today that beauty queen and new rising star Carrie Prejean will be a shoe-in, that is a high-heeled shoe-in for the VP slot in the next national election. Fresh off her victory in holding on to her title of Miss California after she had lied about posing for semi-nude photos, Prejean said, “This is a victory for free speech as I should be able to express my opinions without having to hear the opinions of people who disagree with me. You know, I am in favor of opposite marriage, but not opposite opinions to mine.”

“Carrie has all the same qualifications for high office that Sarah Palin did before she began her amazing run,” said GOP spokesperson Stix Larsen, “and by 2012, Sarah will have worn out her welcome and probably her looks, so it is important to find a fresh new face to run with maverick McCain as we present the new Republican party. Ms. Prejean believes in the core conservative family values of gay bashing, liberal trashing, lying and breast augmentation.”

Observers had fully expected Miss USA boss Donald Trump would strip Prejean of her crown for breaching her contract when she failed disclose those questionable pictures she took before the pageant began. However, Trump said, “I just couldn’t sack the girl. I guess I’m not the type who can just come out and say, ‘you’re fired.’”

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CHENEY: MISTAKE FOR REPUBLICANS TO ACT MORE LIKE HUMANS TO GET VOTES
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Lashing out at fellow Republicans who have called for a more moderate set of policies for the GOP in light of their recent stunning defeat at the polls, former Vice President Dick Cheney said “only misguided terrorist brainwashed wussies in the Republican party could be weak enough to abandon the tried and true American values of killing, drilling, and spilling waste all over the planet. Might makes right and right is right were the American people really are in their scared little heart of hearts.”

Cheney appeared on NBC’s Face the Nation where he was asked about Colin Powell, who supported Barack Obama in the last election. “I don’t know exactly when Powell became a Communist,” Cheney responded, “but I think the reason he has missed the point about the benefits waterboarding is that he never had the pleasure of applying the technique himself and experience the sound of a grown man groaning. Thirty years from now,” Cheney said, “historians will look back at what we did in the Bush administration to combat terror and realized that not only did we keep America safe, but we sure had fun doing it.”

Cheney has publically chided Obama for discontinuing the enhanced interrogation techniques employed by the his predecessor. “Obama has put America in grave danger. He is talking about jobs and the economy when he should be building a case for invading Iran because of all of their weapons of mass destruction. Heck, he should keep searching for the WMDs we always knew were in Iraq.”

Cheney has implored Obama to release two memos written by the CIA that supposedly support the benefits of using torture. “I know those memos exist,” Cheney told NBC, “because it took a mighty jolt of juice to the ‘nads of those brave CIA boys before they wrote word for word those memos from my memory.”

“I, along with Rush Limbaugh, am fighting for the soul of the Republican party,” Cheney concluded, “That is, if the party had a soul.”

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MICHAEL SAVAGE: HOW DARE THAT BRITISH WITCH CALL ME A HATE MONGER
By R J Shulman

SAN FRANCISCO – (PTSD News) – National talk show host Michael Savage was shocked to learn that he had been banned from entering the United Kingdom for “behavior Britain will not tolerate,” according the British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “I don’t know what this limey broad has against me,” Savage said, “I have always been cordial to vermin like her who don’t deserve to live.”

“Just because I told my listeners that they are not a good American until they shot at least one person who looks Mexican doesn’t mean I’m a hate monger,” Savage said. “I am just a patriot wanting to remove undesirable garbage from our great country. This is nothing more than a free speech issue where the liberal sub-humans want to silence me,” Savage said, “I believe in free speech. I don’t call for gays to be stopped from spreading their agenda, I just call for gays to be stopped, a dead stop if you catch my drift.”

Savage who was listed under his real name Michael Alan Weiner joined the leader of Hamas, Jewish extremists, Russian gangsters and American white supremacists on a list of 22 undesirables who cannot enter England. “I may be a bit set in my ways,” said former Ku Klux Klan grand wizard Stephen David Black, “but to be found on the same list as someone who spews so much hate as Michael Savage has defamed my reputation.” Several Neo-Nazis and terrorists may join Black in a defamation lawsuit against Secretary Smith for being placed on the same list with someone as reprehensible as Savage.

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MISS CALIFORNIA MAY LOSE CROWN FOR POSING BRAINLESS
By R J Shulman

LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News) – A second moronic looking photo of Miss California has appeared after Carrie Prejean had assured pageant officials last week’s dumb shot was the only picture she had appeared in looking like an ignorant fool. The website that had printed the original photograph published a new picture today depicting Prejean looking utterly brainless.

“After the first idiotic photo,” said Ron Neal of the Miss USA pageant, “the fact that an even dumber picture could emerge prompted a closed-door session to discuss whether Miss Prejean breached her contract.” Prejean had kept the photos secret from the pageant, a clear breach of her contract. “I took these when I was 17,” Prejean said through her publicist Melony Ethridge, “you know, when I was young and stupid.”

The new picture shows Prejean posing in pink underwear with a clearly idiotic expression on her face. “I don’t know if we have grounds to take her crown,” said Miss California Pageant director Keith Lewis, “as the picture shows about as much stupidity as the usual Miss California shot.”

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FOX: OBAMA AMMO SHORTAGE FIRST STEP TO ENSLAVE CHRISTIANS
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Fox News is reporting that the current shortage of ammunition was not only caused by President Obama, but is part of his plan to make Christians slaves like the Romans did in biblical times. “Being a Constitutional scholar, Obama knows he cannot take away our rights to bear arms,” said Fox’s Neil Cavuto, “but he is smart enough to know the Constitution does not guarantee us the right to bullets.”

“Once we lose the right to shoot whoever we want,” said Bill O’Reilly, “Obama will order a paper shortage so that they can’t print anymore bibles. Without guns or bibles, good Christians will not know what to think or do and will be ripe for enslavement by Obama’s Muslim Brotherhood.”
Fox is further reporting that in addition to the bullet and paper shortage, Obama will target the South with a wood and linen shortage. “Obama is attacking the very heart of Dixie,” said Wayne Bobby Vance of Anniston, Alabama. “Even if we can find white sheets, we wouldn’t be able to find anything to burn and for a white southern man, that is a mighty honkin’ cross to bear.”

“Without bibles to quote the scriptures,” said Sean Hannity, “good Christians will be like lambs to the slaughter when those militant gays try and turn those good God fearing people to their sinful way of life. All I can say, is ‘oh, the humanity.’”

“Oh the Hannity,” said Arianna Huffington, editor of the Huffington Post, “the only real shortage at Fox News is a shortage of the truth.”

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OBAMA TO PICK LIMBAUGH TO SUPREME COURT, RUSH SAYS NO
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In a move that surprised even his closest advisors, President Obama announced that in a move to show bi-partisanship, he will nominate talk show host Rush Limbaugh to fill the Supreme Court vacancy when Justice David Souter retires at the end of the session. Upon hearing the news, Limbaugh said, “If Obama says yes to something, I have to say no, so I am saying no. Besides, if I agree, then he will succeed in getting his pick on the court and I must do everything to make him fail. And if his strategy is to get me on the court so the left wing can attack my decisions, than I must say no to make him fail at that.”

The question arose as to whether Limbaugh is even qualified to sit on the bench. “He sits on his anal cysts all day spouting garbage which make him eminently qualified,” said Rebecca Hunnicut, a Stanford Law professor. “If believing that the right to life only belongs to the unborn and the rich,” said Constitutional scholar Lawrence Tribe, “then Limbaugh is just as qualified as Justise Alito and Roberts when they took the bench.”

“But if Obama expects me to decline,” Limbaugh said, “then I better say yes to make him fail at guessing what I will do, but maybe he expects me to say yes in which case, this is making me sick. Would somebody tell my illegal immigrant maid to fetch me my Oxycontin?”

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GOP TO SAY NO TO BEING THE PARTY OF NO
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Battered in the polls and labeled as the party of “no,” leading Republicans have launched a campaign to reshape their party’s image. “We have become the party of “yes,” said Rep. Eric Cantor, the number two Republican in the House, “as in yes we have no health plan, yes we have no viable economic plan, and of course yes to no on everything Obama says.”

The new initiative, called America’s New Opportunities, or America’s NO for short, has top Republicans traveling to the heart of America to spread their new message of “yes.” “Even when we say no, it means yes,” said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. “You know like when a chick says no, how it really means yes. When the broads hear just how much we understand them, the skirts will flock to the GOP like they would to a shoe sale at Macy’s.”

“We are excited about our new plan to bring fresh young faces to the public, like Senator John McCain and show them how we have political outsiders who are the first in their family to try politics, like Jeb Bush,” said Mitt Romney, who is also part of the new Republican strategy.
“We have to overcome the propaganda of the liberal media who have said we conservatives say no all the time. Our new initiative will show how we have said yes to torture, wiretapping and tax breaks for the rich,” said Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi.

“We want to have a wide open discussion when we meet the American people,” said Newt Gingrich, “before we tell them they are either with us real Americans or against us.” “We want to be a more inclusive party. The Democrats may have a large tent, but the new Republicans will now be the party of the large bunker,” said Dick Cheney.

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