McDONALDS SCRAPS INDIA CALL CENTER
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – (PTSD News) – McDonald’s Corporation announced it will close its customer call center in Mumbai, India due to a large number of patron complaints. The call center had recently been moved to India from Muncie, Indiana in a cost cutting move.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained the transcripts of some of the unfortunate calls that caused McDonald’s to change their minds about outsourcing their customer service overseas.

Call number 931
MUMBAI: (heavy Indian accent) – Hello, McDonalds. This is Bob Brown, and I’m loving it.
CALLER: I must have the wrong number. I was calling McDonalds.
MUMBAI: I can assure you that I know all about happy meals.
CALLER: Well, I bought this here angus burger, paid a pretty penny for it and it don’t taste no better than a regular cow.
MUMBAI: You did what to a cow?
CALLER: I et it, boy.
MUMBAI: You shouldn’t eat our precious and holy animals.
CALLER: What else you gonna eat at a burger joint?
MUBMAI: You could try one of the salads.
CALLER: Did Obama put you up to this?
MUMBAI: Obama is not my president.
CALLER: Mine neither. (click)

Call number 5,339
CALLER: I think I ate a bad Big Mac and I’m feeling sick.
MUMBAI: I would be sick, too.
CALLER: Thank goodness, someone who understands.
MUMBAI: What seems to be the mischief?
CALLER: What?
MUMBAI: The mischief of the problem you are suffering.
CALLER: I feel dizzy and can’t seem to focus. At least my hearing is not affected.
MUMBAI: Mush valish mumf gorp glashkot.
CALLER: What did you say?
MUMBAI: Brosh millish tyrox moonvar goosh nawr.
CALLER: Oh, God. Now it has affected my hearing.

Call number 23,948
MUMBAI: Welcome to McDonalds. My name if Bill “Scooter” Johnson and I’m loving it.
CALLER: You don’t sound American.
MUMBAI: I am American as Apple cake. Just ask me who won the Academy Awards for best picture.
CALLER: OK. Who won?
MUMBAI: Slumdog Millionaire.
CALLER: Hey, you cheated because you are Pakistani.
MUMBAI: I am not Pakistani.
CALLER: You Pakistanis are hiding Obama Sin Laden or whatever his name is.
MUMBAI: I hate Pakistanis. They blew up my brother on a train.
CALLER: I can’t believe I’m talking to a terrorist. Just hang on the line, Mohammed, while I call Homeland Security.
MUMBAI: (click)

Call number 96,822
MUMBAI: Hello. McDonald’s Palace. My name is Mary Smith and I’m loving it.
CALLER: Hey you’re from India. I love Indian food.
MUMBAI: Then why are you calling McDonalds?

McDonald’s announced the call center will move from India back to Muncie. “We should be up and running in about a week,” said McDonald’s spokesperson Bob Brown. “We can find great recruits from that whole bunch of out of work people diving in the dumpsters for scraps of food at our five conveniently located McDonald’s restaurants in the greater Muncie area.”

McDonald’s also announced it will fire Vice President of Customer Service, Bill “Scooter” Johnson who came up with the idea of the India call center. “All I can say about Scooter,” said Senior McDonald’s Vice President Mary Smith, “was that he was just plain McCheap.”

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