McCAIN REJECTS GI BILL: I SAID SUPPORT THE TROOPS, NOT CODDLE THEM
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Senator John McCain announced today why he is not supporting the GI bill originally introduced by Senators Webb (D-Va) and Hagel (R-Neb). “Those benefits are so rich that this bill is nothing more than an end run by the liberals to entice the troops to come home early from Iraq. It is also a distraction to the troops who should be thinking about killing insurgents, rather than killing on a college exam.”


“I agreeicate with that Senator McCann,” President Bush said, “I have been doing my part to un-entice the troops to stay in Iraq by making sure there are no jobs here when they get back, to make sure gas and food prices are too high here and that veterans hospitals are full of rats and mold.” “If we don’t put their lives on the line over here,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “then they won’t be putting their lives on the line over there.”


McCain mentioned that there was no way he could have his hundred year war if troops were “too busy shoving their lazy posteriors in cushy college chairs.” General Petraeus weighed in by saying he agreed with everything that Bush said and requested that the President return those photographs they had been talking about and that the negatives needed to be returned, too.

BUSH TO PUBLISH BOOK SAYING EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG WAS SCOTT McCLELLAN’S FAULT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush announced today that he will be releasing a book called Wha Hoppen?: Goings on in my White House and why you can’t blamicate me. The book, authored by the President as told to his pet goat, essentially blames all of his administration’s problems on Scott McClellan, his former Press Secretary.

“Scottie was the one who outed Valerie Plame,” the President writes, “and when he told me about her, I told him how shocking it was because she didn’t look like a lesbian. And all that bad intelligence about Iraq,” Bush continued, “as everybody knows you have to be bad at being intelligent to understand bad intelligence and that is the kind of intelligence that Scott fed to me knowing that I’m bad at being intelligent, so of course I sent our troops to war on Scott’s advice.” The President addresses the problems with his response to Hurricane Katrina. “Who could have known that Scottie would break bad news to me about the Croissant City and how much New Orleans means to its home state of Alabama, and then break this bad news to me right when I had to be playing guitar with that country guy in San Diego? The reason Scottie is trying to make me the pet scapegoat,” Bush concludes, “is that he is not only a disgruntled employee, but an overgruntled one.”

The President’s groundbreaking book,” said current Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “clearly shows that McClellan was part of the great left-wing conspiracy funded by George Soros and the liberal media. No matter how much pressure they might put on me,” Perino continued, “I would never tell the truth about the President.” “McClellan saying bad things about the President is clearly treason,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, “and he should be extraordinarily renditioned to some secret dark cell in some dubious country so our brave operatives can convince him to spill the names of his co-conspirators so we can protect American values like freedom of speech.”

The book which will be released in time for Christmas also blames Scott McClellan for the poor economy, the foreclosure crises, high gas prices, the Watergate scandal and for the crucifixion of Jesus.

WHITE HOUSE PUZZLED OVER MCCLELLAN BOOK: WE TAUGHT HIM TO LIE, NOW HE'S FORGOTTEN HOW
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said Wednesday that she is “puzzled and saddened” by former Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s new book which attacks President Bush on many issues. “The White House staff spent so much time teaching him how to lie, lie, lie and how does he repay them? He tells the barefaced truth,” she said. “He should be ashamed of himself.”

The book, called, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception alleges that Bush used propaganda to sell the war in Iraq, that his response to Hurricane Katrina was completely botched and that “Scooter” Libby and Karl Rove held a secret meeting to get their story straight about the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame.

“Scott is a disgruntled former employee,” said Karl Rove, “who’s just like the rest of the 80% of disgruntled Americans who want to unfairly attack President Bush. “If I could read, I wouldn’t readicate Scottie’s book,” said President Bush. “because what’s in there are not the official lies that the Decider, that’s me, told him to speechicate to the American people.”

“I am puzzled by his sudden 180 degree turn,” said Vice President Cheney. “If he was so unhappy while he worked here with us, why didn’t he just come out and tell us? I guess I’ll have to hear it directly from him when we go on our remote hunting trip next week and have a little face to face, if you know what I mean.”

SUPPORTING OUR TROOPS IS NOT JUST A BUMPER STICKER
By R J Shulman
GRAYSON, New Mexico – It’s the day after Memorial Day. We move from thoughts of soldiers who have died while serving our country to those troops now serving in harm's way. We look at the yellow sticker slapped on the back of our SUV’s and feel very proud to be an American. But maybe before we slip back into our daily lives, we could take the time to ponder what we could do to support our troops in addition to attaching a decal, probably made in China to our vehicle, probably made in Korea. Here are some random thoughts on what supporting our troops could mean:

1. Send them to wars as a last resort, not as a photo op or vehicle to provide a leader “political capital”
2. When we do send them into battle, make sure that they have the proper equipment and not something slapped together by a no-bid contractor friend of those sending the troops off to war

And do all we can to make sure that when the troops finally come home that America is a country that:
1. gives the kind of support, mental, physical and otherwise to the retuning men and women to make the soldier’s transition back to civilian life as easy as possible
2. makes sure Veterans Hospitals are filled with great doctors and medical care and not rats and mold
3. provides a free education to returning soldiers so they can achieve excellence in civilian life
4. makes sure good jobs are still here and have not shipped overseas so a few can reap bigger profits
5. puts war profiteers in jail, and not war protestors
6. removes bad leaders, even Presidents when they show they have little regard for the rule of law
7. when it talks about race relations, means how the human race relates to everything else on the planet
8. doesn’t just talk about family values, but values families by providing them support and opportunities to better themselves
9. believes in freedom of religion and from religions that want to use the law to prove their god is better than someone else’s god
10. assures that people are secure in their homes from unlawful searches, seizures, wiretaps and free from predatory foreclosures
11. still thinks that an extraordinary rendition is a great version of a song and not a approved clandestine railroad to torture
12. values human prophets above corporate profits
13. is more concerned whether a soldier is happy than whether he is gay
14. makes sure that when the troops come back, that their city is still here and not devastated by an unnatural response to a natural disaster
15. makes sure all the votes are counted and all its people count
16. has protected the Constitution at home as well as the troops have protected it oversees.
The list could go on. But the conclusion is the same: supporting our troops should not just be a bumper sticker.

McCAIN REJECTS HAGEE ENDORSEMENT; CONTEMPLATES REPUTIATING SUPPORT FROM SATAN
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX - Just a week after Senator McCain severed ties with Reverend John Hagee for saying that Hitler’s extermination of the Jews was part of God’s plan, McCain is faced with a similar dilemma after he received the endorsement from Satan. “I know he is kind of creepy to some,” McCain said, “but without his help in stirring up fear and hatred, I don’t know if I can get enough votes in November. I worked hard for his endorsement,” McCain continued, “But now some do-gooders are spinning negatives about the Horned-one and me. What I can say at this point is that Satan’s support of my campaign is not as bad as some what some other Presidential candidates have done as Satan is not some black preacher whose church I belonged to for twenty years.”

“We are worried that if the Senator rejects Satan’s endorsement he will immediately lose the support of Bush, Cheney and at least half of the Republican Party,” said Charles Worth, Jr., McCain’s new National Finance Co-Chair who replaced Thomas Loffler, who resigned in light of his lobbying for dubious foreign governments and over seas corporations.

McCain said that he will make his decision about whether he will accept Satan’s support by the end of next week. McCain told the Post-Time-Sun-Dispatch, “I’ll let you know my decision about Satan after I do a bit of soul searching.”

US TO IMPORT GREAT WALL OF CHINA TO USE ON MEXICAN BORDER
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - As further evidence that American manufacturing and construction jobs are headed overseas, the Bush administration announced today that the wall between the United States and Mexico will be imported from China. “Having Mexicans build a wall to keep themselves out made no sense,” said Will Graybar, an Administration spokesman, “so we jumped at the offer of the Chinese who’ve integrated all peoples into their society and have no need for a wall to separate folks like we do here in the US.”

The placement of the 1,969 mile section of the Great Wall between Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California and Mexico should be completed by August 2010. “The Chinese are sensitive to our budgetary problems,” said Gord Wilkins of the General Accounting Office, “so they are supplying cheap Chinese prison labor and will freshen up the wall with a new coat of lead paint.”

“Even the enviro-fascist tree hugging killers should love this wall,” said President Bush, “as we are using recycled materials.” “It’s too bad we didn’t act in time to grab the iron curtain before that fell,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “as we could really use it now to separate dastardly domestic terrorists and home grown enemy combatants from the rest of us hard working white Americans.”

BUSH SEEKS INTERNATIONAL AID TO COME UP WITH REASON TO INVADE IRAN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Not usually one to call on the international community for help, President Bush has asked world leaders to help him solve the problem of finding a plausible reason to attack Iran. “I used up so many war reasons for when I shock and awed Iraq,” Bush said, ‘that I’ll need a whole new set of good ones for shock and awing Iran.”

“The President wants to show he is a uniter and not a divider,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “so he is bringing together a coalition of the willing to bomb Iran.” “We can’t say Saddam Hussein is now in Iran plotting against us,’ said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “because most Americans know he is dead, no matter how much Fox News might repeat over and over again that Hussein has reappeared, this time as an Iranian threat. 9-11 doesn’t pack the fear punch it used to and I fear that Americans don’t really care if democracy invades Iran.”

“Americans love war presidents,” Bush said, “sos I needicate fresh reasons for a new war so they can forget about the last one. Also,” Bush added, “I get to dress up on a big boat and say ‘mission accomplished all over again.’”

Many political analysts speculate that Bush will not be able to come up with a reason to attack Iran before the end of his term next January and may be forced to invade without justification. Chris Matthews of MSNBC asked Vice President Dick Cheney about the problem of the ethics and morals of an unjustified preemptive attack on Iran. Cheney replied, “So?”

HILLARY TO BARACK: YOU CAN BE PRESIDENT OF OREGON, I’LL BE PRESIDENT OF KENTUCKY
LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Senator Clinton made an offer today to Democratic front runner Barack Obama in a telephone conversation that the best way to promote party unity is to divide up the country. “The fairest way to determine who should be President is to have the person who won each state be President of that state,” she told Senator Obama who was campaigning in Billings, Montana. “For example, I’ll be President of New York, California, New Jersey and Pennsylvania and the like, and I’ll let you have Maine, Guam and the Virgin Islands.”

The party is seriously contemplating Senator Clinton’s idea, according to Democratic sources. “This idea worked a number of years ago when the Pope divided the world between Spain and Portugal,” said Harvey Lineberg, a Democratic Party spokesman.

There is still disagreement as to what to do with Florida and Michigan, whose delegates were disqualified when they held early primaries in defiance of party rules. “Michigan will probably be given to the Canadians. Let them deal with all the unemployment around Detroit,” said Clyde Fleming, a Democratic Party strategist, “and Florida should be given to the Cubans. Heck. Florida is mostly Cuban now anyway.”

“I think my offer to Senator Obama is very magnanimous,” said Hillary Clinton. “By the Republican rules of winner-take-all delegates per state in their primaries, I’d have already won. In other words, if I were a Republican, I’d be the nominee. “She is a Republican,” said Dennis Kucinich of Ohio, who had dropped out of the Presidential race a few months ago, “After all, she did vote for the war.”

BUSH THREATENS ARABS, VOWING TO SHOVE DEMOCRACY DOWN THEIR THROATS
By R J Shulman
SHARM EL-SHEIK, Egypt – On the last day of his tour of the Middle East, President George W. Bush sternly lectured Arab nations to embrace democracy. “Too often the Middle East has leaders who repress the opposition by putting them in jail and using extreme interrogation methods," Bush told his Arab hosts, "you run countries whose leaders spy on their own people, leaders who empty their coffers to give corrupt contracts to their friends and leaders who don’t trust the will of their own people.”

Back on Air Force One, a reporter, who has since disappeared, asked the President if he had any comments about his speech being ironic in light of Bush's own approval of torture of prisoners in Guantanimo and other detentions centers and his continuous spying on Americans. The President replied, “I don’t want to open Pandora’s can of wax, but if it's some irony you want me to talk about, I promise the American people I will talk about Iron Man after I see the picture next Tuesday.”

“The President is a man of integrity who is not swayed by opinion polls or the will of the people,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. ‘Which is why he is sending American democracy over to the Arabs to rid us of the pesky trappings of democracy over here. I mean, would you rather fight the democratic will of the people over there or have to fight it here?”

BUSH SAYS HE’S RUN A HALF-GLASSED PRESIDENCY
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – In an exclusive interview with Fox’s Sean Hannity, President Bush said that he has adhered to a positive philosophy which has shaped his Presidency. “Some people are optomicalists,” Bush told Hannity, “and some are poussumists, you know, who say the glass is half emptied. Now, me, I always think it’s half filled up. I am a half-glassed guy who has run a half-glassed Presidency. My phosophical approach is why bother to do something at all if you can’t do it half-glassed?”

The President continued,” I always look at the sunny side of the boulevard first and if there are no terrorists there then I bomb the other side of the road. What I don’t understand are all those negatory people,” Bush continued. “They say the economy is bad, Katrina is bad, losing jobs, houses and Constitutional rights is bad. They are just bad-saying America. Me, when something goes not right, I just have daddy or the Supreme Court fix it. Now why can’t these complainers do that? But they don’t, they just blamicate me for their trouble. I just ignore the people,” concluded Bush, “that wrongly accuse me of not caring about them.”

GOP STRATEGY:WE’RE THE PARTY OF CHANGE,SMALL CHANGE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Senator Barak Obama has leapt to the forefront of the Democratic party with a message of change. Not to be let behind, the Republicans have announced their new strategy, which is to call themselves “the party of small change.” “If McCain and other Republicans are elected,” said Clint Marlowe of the RNC, “there will be a small change to give multi-millionaires a little more of a tax break, a small change to allow for a little more enhanced interrogation of enemy combatants and plenty of small change for the American people because that’s all they’ll have left in their pocket after we’re through with them.”

“The American people must understand that they deservicate this small change,” said President Bush, “as all the major change has to go to support our troops over there so we don’t have to support them over here when they get back, because we need to troopicate Iraq to kill them into democracy because if we don’t send the money over there, those liberals will give it to all those starving Chinamen in Darfur to put food on their families.” “I don’t know much about change,” said John McCain speaking in Florence, Alabama, “except that I will change my position to whatever Dich Cheny wants.” “I want that twerp dead,” Cheney said. “I just don’t know how we ended up with such a bad candidate.”

“I can’t believe the Republicans are stealing the change message,” said Hillary Clinton, “because it’s clear from the beginning that I am the candidate of change.” “I sincerely apologize for any misinterpretations of my change message,” said Barak Obama, trying to answer charges by Fox News that Obama wants to change all Americans into homosexual elitist, arugula sniffing Muslim terrorists who follow anti-American black Christian preachers.

Not all the changes made by Republicans are small,” said Karl Rove appearing on the Sean Hannity show, “I guess you could say that getting rid of the Constitution would be a change that isn’t so small.

BUSH DEFENDS GRANDFATHER:HE TRADED ONLY WITH THE GOOD NAZIS
By R J Shulman
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia - President Bush defended the actions of his grandfather, Connecticut Senator Prescott Bush, who not only supported the Nazi regime before World War II, but financed and traded with the Third Reich. “He only traded with the good Nazis,” Bush said, “who could have known that Hitler would have turned bad, just like who could have known the levies would break in New Orleans.” Bush spoke from Saudi Arabia to defend the comments he made in Jerusalem attacking Senator Barak Obama’s position of talking with enemies. Bush had said such action was equivalent to appeasing the Nazis in 1938.

“I didn’t even mention Obama, when I speachicated about how bad it is to talk when you should be shock and aweing.” Bush said. “You know the old saying about if the shoe fits. Well, if Obama thinks those sneakers are his size, then he is just like Wilt Chamberlain who appeased the Nazis.”

Bush was asked by a reporter if he planned to preemptively attack Iran, commenting that Bush is the only modern leader to preemptively invade a country. Bush answered, “I am not the only one. Don’t forget Poland,” referencing Germany’s preemptive invasion of Poland in 1939 in which Germany claimed Poland had weapons of mass destruction. The invasion started World War II. Bush will end his last Middle East trip on Saturday after he visits a few more world leaders and rattles a few more sabers.

CAL SUPREME COURT OKS GAY MARRIAGE; MILLIONS OF GOOD MARRIAGES NOW COMPLETELY RUINED
By R J Shulman
SACREMENTO – As a direct result of today’s California Supreme Court’s 4-3 ruling rejecting state laws that banned same sex marriage, millions of traditional marriages have fallen apart. “Jennifer and me had the storybook marriage,” said Duane Hastings of Davis, California, “but now that gays can be married, we are off to the divorce court.” The Hastings are not alone as evidenced by the ringing of the telephones of divorce lawyers have echoed across the state.

Another widespread concern is the effect that gay marriage will have on the children. “I am so afraid,” said Wendy Groelisch of Julian, “that when my kids see a happily married homosexual couple walking down the street, it will instantly turn them gay.” “California has made a mistake of biblical proportions,” said Reverend Jimmy Lee Harley of the Brimstone Evangelical Church of Ukiah. “Now, for the first time, due to God’s displeasure with our gay supporting ways, our beautiful idyllic state will be subject to earthquakes, fires, mud slides and a Hollywood actor being elected Governor.”

“There is some good news about the Court’s decision,” said Matthew Zlodnick of Sherman Oaks, “now that California is a gay state, we can ban Senator McCain and his stupid straight-talk express.

Upon hearing today’s decision, Idaho Senator Larry Craig said, “I am not on the Supreme Court. I have never been on the Supreme Court. But if I were and it came to the issue of gay marriage, my stance would be wide.”

“I guess I am against those people in California marrying anything they want to,” said President George Bush. “It’s just not right with God for some guy to marry a tree although I must say when clearing the brush on my ranch, I’ve met some mighty attractive twigs.”

HILLARY:IF YOU ONLY COUNT WEST VIRGINIA, I WIN THE NOMINATION
By R J Shulman
CHARLESTON, West Virginia – In her victory speech after winning the West Virginia primary by an expected 40 points, Senator Clinton said, “If only West Virginia is counted, I’ve won the nomination. It isn’t fair to Michigan and Florida to be the only states not counted. All the others should be treated equally and not count either. The reason we should count West Virginia,” Clinton said, “is that they are a state chock full of hard working white voters who have never had a chance to decide a President, and just like it’s my turn, it’s their turn.”

“We think that the West Virginia results can work for a great advantage to the Democratic Party to heal in time for the November election,” Clinton said. “I will need all the time and money to now take aim at the only other candidate in this race who had experience, John McCain.” Clinton told supporters that she will gracefully accept Senator Obama’s concession speech which, according to Clinton should happen shortly.

BUSH ADMINISTRATION CAUSES SEVERE WOOL SHORTAGE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Due to the unprecedented use of wool by members of the Bush Administration, a severe and irreversible shortage, called “peak wool” may have occurred. The Government Accounting Office reports that the massive supplies of wool have been used to “pull the wool” over the eyes of the American people. “Bush and friends have devastated the wool industry,” said Fred Nestrom of the GAO, “the amount of sheep shearing needed just to handle the issue of why the US went to war in Iraq was staggering.” In places like Scotland and New Zealand, herds of angry naked sheep roam the countryside.

Gilmer Winslow, a scientist who just finished a report on the myth of global warming, is working with the Bush administration to search for a new supply of wool. “Since the American people act so much like sheep,” Winslow said, “we think with a little effort we can have Americans grow their own wool.” “If that proves unsuccessful, plans are underway to create a permanent winter blizzard,” said Karl Rove, “you know, to snow the public all year long.”

One of the more promising solutions to the wool crisis, comes from the military. The President will introduce a bill to fund a Star Wars Cloaking System, a three trillion dollar project that proposes to be able to hide the truth using rays from space. “I want to be able to pushicate a button,” President Bush said, “and have the American people instantly believicate me when I say that their Constitutional rights are still in tact.”

RUSH LIMBAUGH NAMED SATAN’S EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FOR RECORD BREAKING 207th TIME
By R J Shulman
GATES OF HELL – National radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh has been named “Employee of the Month,” by Satan of Helliburton, Inc., for a 207th time, breaking the record held for over sixty years by Adolf Hitler. “The Furher dude was filled with a little more evil,” said Bobo, of the Flying Monkey Corps Division, “Rush has just been able to last a bit longer.”

“What is so amazing about Rush’s talent,” said Satan, “is that he’s been able to convince poor people they need to sacrifice their own needs to protect the profits of the ultra rich. He’s convinced the American public it’s perfectly OK for the government to snoop in their personal lives but not Limbaugh’s own medical records and has millions of fans convinced that the biggest threat to America’s future are elitist liberal homosexual feminists who want to retrieve the money the rich just stole from these very listeners. And you think I’m the one with the silver tongue,” Satin continued, “Now he’s working on bringing back child labor, indentured servitude, debtors prisons and women as men’s property. Bravo, El Rushbo!”

“It’s like the American public are lowly college fraternity pledges,” said Enoch Lightly, of the Rand Institute, “Limbaugh whacks them on their posterior with a giant paddle and they respond with, “thank you Sir, give me another.” “What I don’t get is both his resilience and his immunity to God’s message,” said Reverend Carlson Masters of the United Church of Christ of La Salle, Iowa, “the good Lord strikes him deaf, and when divine forces restore his hearing, he continues to spout hatred, fear and division.” “I don’t get it either,” said Rabbi Goldberg of Temple Beth Israel of Hawthorne, North Dakota. “Ditto for me,” said Winston Claiborne of Yale Divinity School.

Not everyone is pleased with the horned one’s decision. “I should have been employee of the month,” said Dick Cheney. “Limbaugh’s just some drug-addled blowhard who never gets off his pimpled ass to physically hurt anyone and whose only claim to fame is convincing Republicans in Indiana who hate Hilary Clinton more than death and taxes to vote for the damn broad. Look at me, Satan. I am torturing, stealing and lying and that’s before my first cup of morning coffee. Just who do I have to kill around here to get recognition?”

To celebrate his record breaking feat, Limbaugh has been invited to George W. Bush’s Crawford, Texas ranch. “He’s been such a mission accomplisher,” Bush said, “that I’m having him over to my spread where I will put food on his family.” After the picnic, Rush has been invited to accompany Dick Cheney on a hunting trip at some remote undisclosed area of Texas.

BUSH SENDS UNUSED TRAILERS TO MYANMAR
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Saying he would not repeat the mistakes made when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, President Bush is sending unused trailers from Louisiana to Cyclone stricken Myanmar. “No one could have known the levies would break in Mar Vista,” Bush said, “but we are right on it as we will send them trailers over there and not charge extra for the Formaldyhyde.” A tragedy of major proportions, Cyclone Nargis devastated this south east Asian country formally known as Burma were more than 100,000 are feared dead.

Complicating matters, the Myanmar military Junta has been slow to allow relief workers into the country. “They would rather let their people suffer than get foreign aid from a country that is diametrically opposed to their ruling philosophy,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “the US would never do that, you know, refuse help from Venezuela to bring cheap heating oil to old people freezing to death in Boston.”

Myanmar state run television showed Military Junta leader Than Shwe handing out aid to refugees in a well lit square in lower Rangoon. He said “Phak Thwa Chuk Brawn Ye,” which translates to “You’re doing a heck of a job Brownie,” apparently referring to Disaster Minister Soe Brown.

FOX NEWS REPORTS THAT IF ELECTED, OBAMA WILL MAKE KENYA THE 51ST STATE
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox News will broadcast a documentary called President Obama:Be Afraid, Very Afraid in which they will report among other things that as President, Barack Obama will annex Kenya as a state. “We have absolute proof,” said Bill O’Reilly, “as sure as a black person says pass the M F tea, Obama made a promise to his father Barack Hussein Sr., that if he grew up to be President, he would make their home country, Kenya a state.”

“Those people will all be on welfare,” said Brit Hume of Fox News, “and the last thing we need is US tax dollars going to waste to the President’s buddies in some foreign place that has no real connection to the American people.” Not everyone thinks Kenyan statehood is a bad idea. President Bush said, “I don’t have that much trouble with making Kanye West a state because we should make them citizens over there, so we don’t have to make them citizens over here.” Cliff Hargus, a senior GOP strategist agreed said that it could be an advantage to the Republican Party to have Kenya as a state because there are more elephants there than donkeys.

Senator McCain said, “Before I can make a comment on this Nigeria question, I will have to research the issue and then do what Dick Cheney wants me to do.” When it was pointed out to him by Senator Lieberman that Obama’s father was from Kenya and not Nigeria, McCain said he didn’t know much about geography. Senator Clinton said at first she thought it was a good idea to authorize Kenyan statehood, but is now strongly against it. Senator Obama said he was not there when he supposedly said the he wanted to annex Kenya and this was the first he had heard of it.

The Fox documentary which is scheduled to air right before the next Democratic primary, will also report that an Obama Presidency will mean that no white people will be allowed in the White House, especially when they are filming Flavor of Love 4 with Flavor Flav in the Oval office, that Obama will replace the July fourth holiday with James Brown day, and that worst of all, the media will be forced to stop spreading hatful innuendos and be required to report real news.

7.6 QUAKE IN VIRGINIA CAUSED BY JEFFERSON TURNING IN HIS GRAVE
by R J Shulman
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia – The large earthquake which shook the Eastern Seaboard yesterday was not caused by a new fault, as originally believed, but was the result of Thomas Jefferson turning in his grave. “We think Jefferson found out what the Bush Administration has done to the country he helped found,” said talk show host and Jefferson scholar, Thom Hartmann, “notably, decidedly un-American acts like vote stealing, torturing prisoners, starting wars, trashing the Bill of Rights, robbing the treasury and destroying the good name of America.”

“What is so shocking,” said Winslow Gustafson, of the University of Virginia, “is not that Jefferson’s reaction was so violent, but that it took so long. It could be that like many Americans he was getting his information from Fox News and had no idea what was really going on.”

The quake, which was felt from Boston to Atlanta rattled windows and shook buildings in Washington DC. “I think we were lucky that no one was hurt,” said Todd Clarkson of George Mason University, “But we may not be so fortunate when Washington and Madison learn what has happened to the country that they loved.”

GOP SHARPLY DIVIDED ON BEST METHOD TO SPREAD FEAR ABOUT OBAMA
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - As the November Presidential election looms nearer, Republicans are still undecided regarding the best strategy to use to discredit Democratic front runner, Barack Obama. “Republicans are split almost 50-50 whether to portray Obama as a scary black man or as a scary Muslim,” said Bill Windham, a GOP spokesman. “We are not sure why the Reverend Wright controversy had no traction,” said Windham, “but tying Obama to his rouge preacher is a tactic that had to drop from the strategy race.”

“Our polls show that Republicans in the South, especially among men over 40 favor using the race card,” said John Zogby of the Zogby International, “while younger Republican voters and Republican women prefer smearing Obama with the Muslim label. There will be some positives for the GOP that Obama’s name sounds like an Islamic terrorist, but it may be hard to convince any American with half a brain that Obama is a Muslim in light of his long term relationship with Reverend Wright, a Christian preacher. On the other hand,” Zogby said, “the race card usually works.”

GOP insiders are worried that the party split will last all the way to the Minneapolis convention in August, not giving the Republicans enough time before the November election to whip up the proper amount of hatred for Obama. “We will need to use fear on steroids against Barack,” said Harvey Schlemp, a GOP party leader, “to distract the American voter from what they should really be afraid of – crazy McCain being the one to answer the White House phone at 3AM.”

“It’s going to come down to the vote of the party loyalists,” said Karl Rove speaking on Hannity’s America on Fox, “it will up to the Super Bigots to put either divisions of race or religion over the top.”

BUSH REJECTED AS WAL-MART GREETER
By R J Shulman
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – Wal-Mart announced today that it will reject George W. Bush’s application to become a store greeter after his term as President has expired. “We can’t afford to besmirch our good name,” said Clyde Biggins, a Wal-Mart executive, “by hiring a greeter with such a low approval rating.”

“We don’t want to have a situation where a customer comes in with a defective toaster they got at our small kitchen appliances section,” said Margie Hinckley, a Wal-Mart Manager, “only to have the greeter decide to tell this customer to make a preemptive strike on women’s lingerie. Besides, we need someone to be there at the door and not have them wander off at the drop of a hat to clear brush around the store parking lot.” “I don’t think we could accommodate his vacation schedule,” said another Wal-Mart official, “anyone else taking that much time off would be fired.”

In a related story, Dick Cheney’s bid to become a ticket taker at the Frontier Six Movie Theatre in Cheyenne, Wyoming was also rejected. “Not all of our patrons come to this theater to see a horror show,” said manager Jerry Rowland, “and they don’t need no ticket taker to give them a coronary.”

DEMS TO PICK NOMINEE AFTER THE NOVEMBER ELECTION
by R J Shulman
INDIANAPOLIS - Due to the continued closeness of the race for the Presidential nomination between Senators Clinton and Obama, Democratic Party leadership announced today that despite the results of the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, the party will wait until after the November election to pick its candidate. “It is not fair to rush to judgment,” said Party Chairman Howard Dean, “Democrats have made it clear that they need time to make up their mind and even the August convention will be too early. Unlike the Republicans, we will simply not march in lock step behind some hastily chosen candidate.”

“I won’t quit when so many people have counted on me to lead the ticket to victory,” said Hillary Clinton. “The person in the lead should never drop out,” said Barack Obama. “One of the functions of a super-delegate,” said Alfredo Vacilar, an undecided delegate from California, “is to be super careful about who we choose.”

When told that making the selection after the November election assures John McCain the Presidency, a democratic spokesman said, “Why should something like an election get in the way of the democratic process?” While many have criticized the Democrats for their procrastination, political analyst Martin Scoffield said “If you think the Democrats are dumb, then they are dumb like foxes. Who in their right mind would want to inherit the mess left by George W. Bush.”

McCAIN DEVELOPS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: “I’M STUPID ABOUT THE ECONOMY
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Taking a page book from President Clinton who ran his successful Presidential campaigns with a sign saying “It’s the economy, stupid,” Presidential hopeful John McCain has modernized his slogan to read, “I’m Stupid about the Economy.”

”I am combining the campaigning success of the last two Presidents,” said McCain. “Clinton said ‘economy’ and ‘stupid’ in the same slogan and Bush, well he’s just plain stupid. Clinton and Bush got to be President for sixteen years, and by my count if I am in for sixteen years, I’ll leave office when I’m a hundred a forty-seven.” When told that his numbers didn’t add up, McCain said, “I told you with my straight talk that I’m stupid with numbers.”

The latest ABC/Newsweek poll showed that soon after McCain’s announcement of his new “stupid” strategy, his numbers shot up by ten points. “Who knew that being dumb could be so smart,” said a McCain spokespelrson.

Barack Obama told a group of wildly cheering supporters in Vincennes, Indiana that he was stupid to go to Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s church, while Hillary Clinton will be running last minute ads in Indiana saying when the phone rings at three AM, that at that time of the morning she will be pretty stupid on the phone. “I am not certain that such an ad will help Hillary,” said Daniel Forsythe, a political analyst for Washington based Flemming and Associates, “as any American knows, right now when the phone rings in the White House, no matter how hard at stupid she tries, Senator Clinton can’t come close to how stupid it gets when the current President answers that phone.”

BUSH DISCOVERS THAT HIS RANCH IS NOT REALLY A RANCH
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush seemed surprised when he was told that his “ranch” in Crawford was not really a working ranch. “No one could have known that a ranch is supposed to have animals that you have to be married to, you know that animal husbandry kind of stuff and also that you have to grow stuff,” George Bush said, “I thought to have a ranch, all you need to do is get yourself a real Texas spread and then clearicate the brush.”

“I didn’t have the heart to tell George that our ranch was, well sort of lightweight,” Laura Bush said, “because he might lose his temper and attack another country like when he invaded Iraq after I told him to eat all his peas.”

“It’s about time that the little hedge plant realized he is just a Connecticut cowboy way out of his league,” said Jed Crawley, who has a neighboring property where he runs 300 head of cattle. “Us Texans have enough people in the world hating us and we don’t need a George Bush to make that opinion unanimous.”

“I can’t believe someone told the Commander in Chief his property is a joke,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, “now I’ll have to raise the security alert level to red as that little schmuck might do something stupid.”

“What is really most alarming,” said a White House aide who preferred to remain anonymous, “is that I heard the President say that the thought of having all that hard, hard work around the ranch makes him want to get away from it on vacation and unfortunately for the world, he said he is going to spend more time in Washington.

CHENEY, SATAN SIGN NON-AGGRESSION PACT
By R J Shulman
GATES OF HELL – Vice President Dick Cheney and Satan announced they have signed a non-aggression pact where each pledges not to interfere with the activities of the other no matter how enticing it might be to jump into the fray. “This is an agreement of historic proportions,” said Yale professor Glen Gidworth, “similar to the non-aggression pact signed by Hitler and Stalin in August 1939, just before Germany invaded Poland to start World War II.” Gidworth speculates that this pact will clear the way for the American invasion of Iran.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the Agreement, also known as the Dick and the Devil Pact has secretly divided up the world into “territorial and political arrangements” where some parts of the globe would be ruled by Cheney and the others by Satan. “I hope the US gets Satan,” said a high level official who preferred to remain anonymous, ‘because the other choice is worse.”

“Now that I know that those good ol’ boys won’t be agressicating each other,” said President Bush, “I can concentrate on the most importantest task of being selected President, clearing brush from my ranch.”

“Cheney is the kind of guy I can do business with,” Satan told reporters. “I looked the Devil in the eye,” Cheney said, “and it wasn’t me that blinked.”

PARIS HILTON, BRITNEY SPEARS SUE JEREMIAH WRIGHT FOR STEALING SPOTLIGHT
By R J Shulman
HOLLYWOOD, California - Attorneys for Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have filed a lawsuit against Reverend Jeremiah Wright for “stealing their thunder.” The lawsuit, which asks for $27 million in damages, claims Wright illegitimately flooded the news media with “hogwash about hating national policies, hating racism and just plain hating, all of which has deprived plaintiffs of their God given right to continually be the lead story in a world gone mad.” “By the time we’re done with that so-called reverend,” said Aaron Schlozman, an attorney for Paris Hilton, “he’ll wish Barak Obama had never entered his church.”

“The whole media focus on Jeremiah Wright is nothing more than a well orchestrated and purposeful distraction,” said Kingston Schwartz, a media consultant with Boston based Bucholtz and Associates, “to keep the American public from paying attention to the real issues that actually effect them personally, such as what body part Britney will flash next as she battles for custody of her kids.”

Barak Obama said he was not aware of the lawsuit, but said that he vehemently opposes everything all of the parties involved in the lawsuit believe in. John McCain said he wished the lawsuit would last one-hundred years while Reverend Wright told reporters, “All I got to say about Hilton and Spears is God damn their skinny white asses.”

Nicole Ritchie says she has no plans to join the suit, but the estate of Anna Nicole Smith has indicated they will join as soon as they can determine who will represent the estate.

DC MADAM COMMITS SUICIDE TO PROTECT HER FORMER CLIENTS
by R J Shulman
TARPON SPRINGS, Florida – Police confirmed that the woman convicted of running a high-end prostitution ring in Washington committed suicide at her mother’s home on the Florida Gulf Coast. The body of 52 year old Deborah Jean Palfrey was found by her mother in a little storage shed behind her pink and white manufactured home.

“The suicide note said that she would rather die than divulge the names of certain high level and powerful clients,” said Carl Davis a police spokesman. The note said that she might be tortured in jail by other inmates or by the National Inquirer to give up the names of very powerful and scary men who had used her escort service. Even though evidence indicated Ms. Palfrey was dead for a few hours before she hung herself, police are convinced it is a suicide due to the notes left by her body. “She must have been really distraught when she wrote the note,” said a police spokesman, “because she spelled her own name wrong.”

Palfrey’s mother said that she was awaked by a noise coming from the shed behind her house where the body of her daughter was found. Blanche Palfrey told police that, “a nice man who was rapidly walking away from my shed said he would introduce me to Ed McMahan if I forgot I ever saw him near the shed and I said, honey at my age I forget, now what did you ask me to forget?”

Deborah Palfrey was awaiting sentencing for money laundering and racketeering. While the names of some of her clients, including Louisiana Senator David Vitter had already been divulged, there were rumors that Ms. Palfrey had a second client list that only she was privy to.

Ms. Palfrey is the second person connected with the DC Madam scandal to commit suicide rather than be forced to give the names of their clients. Former University of Maryland Professor Brandy Britton, who had been convicted of prostitution, killed herself in January, with a rifle shot to the back of her head.

“Now I would never use Debbi’s hot little escort company,” said a high placed government figure who wished to remain anonymous, “but I can say she sure did the patriotic thing to sacrifice her life to keep terrorists from discovering national secrets that could soil the name of an upstanding government official who liked a full figured woman in a red bra and panties to walk all over his sweaty back while singing “God Bless America, not that I could know anything about what went on in room 37 of the Bethesda Dew Drop Inn.”

The death of the DC madam,” said President Bush, “is proof the surge is working.”

SECOND IN COMMAND AL QAEDA LEADER KILLED AGAIN
By R J Shulman
MOGADISHU, Somalia - The American military launched an airstrike today in Somalia and reported killing Al Qaeda second-in-command Aden Hashi Ayro when his house was hit by a barrage of bombs. “This is the ninth time we have killed him since we began the war on terror,” said Capt. Jamie Graybeal, a spokesman for the U.S. Central Command. Graybeal confirmed the airstrike in the vicinity of Dusamareeb.

Ayro was killed, starting in March of 2003 when a bomb destroyed a building he was hiding in. A U.S. spokesperson at the time said Ayro’s death was proof that “the U.S is winning.” Ayro was killed again in June of 2004 when his new house was incinerated in a bombing attack. General Kurt Schlimmel said at the time, “the US is making progress on the war on terror.” Ayro was killed a month later when his car was targeted. “Ayro’s death,” said William Furrow, a Pentagon spokesman said later that day, “is proof we are making progress on the progress in the war.” Ayro was killed five more times, three in his house, one in a second building he was hiding in, and once while buying coffee at a Starbucks in Mogadishu.

“Killing him again in Somalia,” President Bush said, “provicates that my surge in Iraq is working.” “It fells so good,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “to kill again and again.” “This operation is important,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “because would you rather kill him again and again over there or again and again over here?”

Both Senators Obama and Clinton said they favored a timetable to stop killing Ayro, while Senator McCain said, “If necessary, I will kill him for a hundred years.”