PALIN QUITS BOOK TOUR TO LAUNCH "NEVER GIVE UP" SEMINARS
by R J Shulman

ROSWELL, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has "gone rogue" on her own book tour. Palin told a crowd of supporters she was leaving her book tour, today at Hastings Books, Music and Video in this New Mexico town, best known for the site of a supposed 1947 UFO crash. "I've achieved all I wanted with this book," Palin said, "so I'm cutting the tour short to start my next venture called "Never Say Die, " a series of seminars to encourage Americans not to give up on their dreams."

"I've learned how bad it can be for someone to up and quit, like that you-know-who albatross around my neck who was so busy trying to count the houses that he owned that he gave up on Michigan," Palin said. "When you have a goal, you must keep your powder dry, you finger on the trigger, your gun cocked, locked and loaded and your aim true until you can see the whites of their eyes so you know who has been palling around with terrorists and who thinks having the middle name Hussein is as American as being foreign born and starting death panels so he can confiscate your guns, not that I'm naming names or anything."

Palin said she was fortunate enough to have been able to resign before her term as governor ended and to quit her book tour early because "the time is right for me to tell people not to quit."

Palin's Never Say Die tour is scheduled to run through the end of March unless, of course, she cancels it early.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

GRAYSON INTRODUCES BILL TO FORCE CONGRESS TO PUT ITS MOUTH WHERE ITS HEALTH CARE IS
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Controversial Democratic Florida Representative Alan Grayson has introduced a bill in the House to make it the law that if a Representative or Senator votes against the public option, they will automatically lose their government health plan. "Here we have people who enjoy one of the best health plans in the country all paid for by public taxes, and yet they will be voting against a public option for the people they represent," Grayson said. "It's time this hypocrisy stops now."

Republicans and right-wing Democrats have condemned the bill, calling it everything from the first step toward Nazism to the work of the anti-Christ. "How dare this monster Grayson try and take away the health care we earned by getting elected," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "the next thing you know Grayson will try and reverse those raises we voted for ourselves." "Now I'm going to have to make the choice between giving up my health insurance company funding if I vote for a public option or giving up my government heath care if I vote against it," said Senator Joe Lieberman, "this sounds like Communistic blackmail to me."

"There must be House rules against this sort of thing," said Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina who was cited for shouting "you lie" at President Obama. "Grayson should be censured for trying to take the silver spoon out of my children's mouths," said Representative Eric Cantor of Virginia.

"I must admit Grayson has a good strategy," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, "now if we can convince those tea-baggers, birthers, tenthers and everyone else who's angry that the blame for all that's wrong does not lie at the feet of a black president, Muslims or gays, but with the corprotists who are really screwing them, then we really would be making progress."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

OBAMA PARDONS TURKEY, GOP CRIES FOUL
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Within moments of Barack Obama following the long standing tradition of a president pardoning a turkey, Republicans and right-wing talk show hosts went on the offensive. "Obama's turkey pardon is just the beginning," said talk show host Laura Ingram, "by the time this foreign born Muslim death panelist usurper of states' rights is done, he will have pardoned his whole administration, Osama Bin Laden and worst of all, that gay Teletubby."

"What should be of concern to all Americans is that Obama will probably pardon all turkeys and then where would we be," said former Illinois Representative Dennis Hastart, "so I'm stocking up now." Hastart lamented that his garage deep freeze could only hold 35 turkeys. "Obama's support of special rights for turkeys proves he is on the verge of allowing homosexual turkeys to get married," said House Minority Leader John Boehner.

"Did you see it was a black turkey who got pardoned?" said Rush Limbaugh. "It's just not safe anymore for white male butterballs like me." When informed Obama pardoned a turkey rather than shooting it, Sarah Palin who was on her book tour in Normal, Illinois, fainted in disbelief in front of about one hundred of her supporters waiting for her to autograph her book, Going Rogue. Fox News reported the crowd to be about one billion and claimed one of Obama's storm troopers had attacked her.

"We know Acorn is behind the pardon," said Sean Hannity, "because they rigged it so a liberal turkey would be the one set free." "I weep for all those American birds not pardoned," wept Glenn Beck, "I'm so upset, I'll have to drown my sorrows by eating a butt-load of turkey."

Bill O'Reilly was less concerned about the actual pardon itself than he was about the loss of traditional American values. "There were no African-American pilgrims in Taxichusetts," he said, "now we have a black man carving up the turkey while his family says 'pass the MF turkey.'"

"How can Congress get anything done now with Turkey-gate on top of Bow-gate, Birth-gate, Death-gate, Tenther-gate, Acorn-gate, hate-gate and coal-gate," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "This president has more gates than O'Hare airport."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

ROVE: SHIFT OF BLAME TO DEMS ALMOST COMPLETE
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Karl Rove announced today on Fox News that the Republican strategy to shift the blame for all of America's woes from anything the Republicans may have caused to Obama and the Democrats is a complete success. "Our goal as Republicans, which was so eloquently spoken by Rush Limbaugh, is not to be the party of ideas or solutions, but the party that makes Obama fail and the best way to do that is to shift blame for everything we Republicans screwed up to the current president."

Rove has been the mastermind of this new movement called the Shift of Blamers or SOBs, who have replaced the birthers, deathers, 10thers, and tea partyers as the most successful anti-Obama group so far. The SOBs are made up of prominent Republicans, Fox News and the vast majority of talk radio.

"We needed to defeat or water down any health care reform that would cut into the profits of our friends who run the health care industry," said Rove, "and luckily for us, the Democrats haven't learned that lies always trump facts and that every congressman has his price."

"Health care was just the start," Rove said, "we've turned Bush's blunder into Afghanistan into Obama's war in which if he sends more troops in, he's a war monger, and if he pulls out, he's a gay French chicken. It took Bush eight years to completey mess up the economy, but we have taken less than eight months to blame the entire mess on Obama, bank bail outs and all."

"When it comes to women's right," Rove said, "traditionally a Democrat issue, we have been able to pin the sexist label on the liberals for their harsh treatment of Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean. This is surely some of my best work since I was able to convince millions of Americans that George W. Bush should be in the White House rather than the nut house."

"With the help of all of those SOBs, we will regain Congress and the White House in no time," Rove concluded, "remember it's not whether you win or lose, but how you shift the blame.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.com/

SOUTH CAROLINA SECEDES FROM THE UNION
by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina - (PTSD News) - After a call for a special convention to discuss the issue of the growing anger of its citizens, the South Carolina legislature passed an ordinance in favor of secession. The ordinance, which passed by a two thirds majority, states: We the people of South Carolina declare and ordain that the union that exists between South Carolina and the other states under the name of the United States of America led by the tyranical Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama is hereby dissolved.

With the announcement of independence from the United States, hundreds of people poured into the streets of Columbia and Charleston cheering and waving rebel flags to the sounds of church bells, fireworks and guns. "There are so many pick-up trucks here in one place, that my bud Ashton asked me if this was heaven. I said, 'no this is South Carolina,'" said Davis Chestnut of Greenwood, South Carolina.

"If at first you don't secede, try, try again," shouted a jubilant Clayton Beauregard, an insurance salesman from Barnwell, South Carolina, who had led a recent tea party in which pictures of Obama in Nazi garb were thrown into Charleston bay, "My great-great-great-great-great-granddaddy, the General would be proud of me now." He was referring to Brigadier General Beauregard, who on April 12, 1861 ordered his troops to fire on the Union garrison at Ft. Sumter, the first shots fired in the Civil War.

"I am proud to be a South Carolinian," said Representative Lynn Westmoreland, "as we are the first state to throw off the chains of a president who has gotten just too darn uppity." "If we can succeed from the union," said disgraced Governor Mark Sanford,"then I sure as shootin' can succeed from my marriage."

During an all night session, the legislature of the new Republic of South Carolina passed over two dozen laws. "The only debate we had was which law to pass first," said Representative Wylie Ward of Cayce, South Carolina "it was a toss-up between making NASCAR our national pastime or bringing back slavery." The legislature repealed the Bill of Rights, (or Special Rights as they called them) except for the Second Amendment, declared any discussion of evolution illegal and made it mandatory that anyone not "washed in the blood of the lamb" must register as an enemy combatant.

First to congratulate the new nation was Rush Limbaugh, who broadcast his show from his Columbia affiliate WVOC, saying he wished South Carolina had an NFL team because "the people of the great Republic of South Carolina would not stop a white man from owning those people who make up most the the players on a professional football team."

President Obama had met earlier with South Carolina leaders and in a concession to stop the secession, promised to take out the public option from the health care bill. But negotiations broke down when South Carolina insisted on changing the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday to KKK day.

The Republican party endorsed South Carolina's action. Newt Gingrich said, "South Carolina's decision to dissolve the union and to be free of the crippling liberalism of big government is in keeping with Republican traditional values, besides the GOP hates unions anyway."

"The South done rose again," said Harlon Crosswell of Dillon, South Carolina. "I don't know what to be happier about, not paying taxes to the commies in Washington or not having to be PC anymore."

Thirteen other State legislatures are actively considering secession.

for the real news, visit CLG at www.legitgov.org

PALIN'S BOOK HAILED BY CONSERVATIVES AS BEST READ SINCE THE BIBLE
by R J Shulman

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan - (PTSD News) - Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has become something she never dreamed of being - a best selling author. "This is such a thrill for me," said Palin as she signed copies of her book to members of an adoring crowd in this west Michigan city, "who could have known I would end up writing one more book than I've read."

Her book has elicited praise from her conservative base with comments ranging from "the most truth ever stuffed into the written word," to "it's the best book of the 19th century." "It's the most exciting book I ever read," said Alfred Olcott of Holland, Michigan, as he waited for Palin to personally autograph his copy, "well, ever looked at I mean."

Conservative politicians also have heaped praise on her book. "This book is such an intellectual achievement that it is understandable why she had to leave her post as Alaskan governor to have the time to create this masterpiece," said Senate Minority Leader John Boehner. "If I hadn't read the cautionary tales in Sarah's book, I might have been tricked into palling around with terrorists," said Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona.

"This book is the best thing since sliced Bible," said failed Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman of New York, "except I can understand her book more easily." "I like her book better than My Pet Goat," said former President George W. Bush, "all I got to say is you're doin' a heck of a job, Pay-lee." "The part about how her great-great-great grandfather rode on a dinosaur was so touching, I started to weep," cried talk show host Glenn Beck.

Sarah Palin has been able to prove beyond a doubt that she is the biggest victim of modern times," said Bob Jones University history professor Roland Gage, "she would surely be president by now, if she hadn't been savaged by the liberal press and the animals of Acorn." Among her tormentors, Palin described news anchor Katie Couric as "a nosy bitch who kept demanding to know the names of magazines I read. Golly, gee, what is there besides Gun Digest anyway?"

The book, Going Rouge comes with a discount coupon for purchasing ammunition, a list of Palin's political enemies' home addresses and tips on improving shooting accuracy. "The communist media is so against me," Palin said, "that if anything bad happens to the people on my enemies list, they will immediately blame me."

Palin is in the middle of a thirty city book tour which is unique in that she will avoid large cities such as New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco. "There are too many gay illegal alien Spanish speaking Muslims in those places," said Palin, "there is nothing my appearance could do anyway to stop them from going straight to the that place down blow that's even worse than Russia."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

NEW REPUBLICAN STRATEGY FOR GLOBAL WARMING: IT'S GOOD FOR YOU
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - After years of denying the possiblity of climate change, the Republican Party has officially taken a new approach - saying global warming is good for America. "Global warming will give the United States longer growing seasons," said Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine. "It will make it easier to get drilling at the oil up here because it won't be so frozen and stuff," said former Governor Sarah Palin.

"While some parts of the country like here in Florida will get hotter," said Senator George LeMieux of Florida, "at least it will be warm enough in New York in winter to keep more non-Christians, from coming down here, if you know what I mean."

"Who cares if a few islands disappear," said Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele, "especially if it's Hawaii, so Obama could no longer claim he is an American."

"It figures Canadians would be stupid enough to be against global warming," said Senate Minority Leader John Boehner, "after all, they have socialized medicine."

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who has strongly rejected the possibility of climate change has embraced the GOP strategy of pointing out the merits of global warming admitted, "The warmer it gets, the more I feel at home."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

GLENN BECK ON SUICIDE WATCH
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - TV host Glenn Beck has been placed on suicide watch ever since the defeat of Doug Hoffman by Bill Owens in upstate New York. Beck, who frequently cries on his show between rants against liberals, gays and the defunct Soviet Union, had to be dragged from the taping of his show last Friday, after he threw himself on the floor of Fox's studio, screaming he didn't want to live anymore because Hoffman, who was a dedicated Beck fan, lost the election.

"At first we thought it was part of his show," said Stu Burguiere executive producer of the show, "but when the tantrum hit the five minute mark, we stopped the tape and brought in the medics. Then we found the note." Burguiere is referring to the suicide note found in Beck's dressing room which read, "I Glenn Lee Beck of sound mind and body can no longer bear the pain of living in a country run by Acorn, Muslims and the Soviet Union."

Beck was driven to Bellevue Hospital, drooling and clutching a copy of his best selling book, Arguing with Idiots. Dr. Ross Thurman said Beck is now stable condition." While wishing Beck a quick recovery, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann said he wasn't sure Beck was ever in stable condition.

Fox is currently running previously taped shows, and since Beck's message is generally the same, Fox believes that no one will notice they are watching reruns.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.com/

GOP TO TAKE POLITICAL ADVANTAGE OF TERRORIST TRIALS
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - No sooner had Attorney General Eric Holder announced that five high profile detainees from Guantanamo prison were going to be brought to trial in New York, the Republicans sprang into action. "We're so excited Holder is bringing those terrorists here for trial," said Republican National Chairman Michael Steele, "now we can go to town with our fake outrage."

"Our message to the American people is that the Muslim infested Democrat Party brings terrorists into our country to make heroes of them. We will pound this message 24/7 on Fox and the other networks will soon pick up on it. This is manna from heaven," said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. "America will see it's Republicans who want to keep them safe with our fair and balanced torture program."

What American would vote Democrat again when we tell them liberals are granting special rights to those terrorist killers," said Texas Senator John Cornyn, "special rights like the right not to be tortured, the special right not to be denied an attorney, and the special right not to be put away for life without a trial. What's next for these Democrat special rights granters? The right for gay Muslims to marry?"

"I can't believe this outrageous pre-9/11 approach is being proposed in my city," said former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, "If I had been made mayor for life, like I should have been after 9/11, I would never let these 9/11 terrorists set foot in my post-9/11 city. Did I forget to mention 9/11?"

The former Vice President Dick Cheney had harsh words for the Democrats. "Don't these idiots know you can't go to the dark side if trials are out in the open?" "It's a good thing that I and the Republicans had the good sense to block socialized medicine," said Senator Joe Lieberman, "or those terrorists would be getting free taxpayer paid health care."

"If I only had this issue during the campaign," said Senator John McCain, "I would have wiped Obama all over the electoral map, even with that albatross Palin on my back." Sarah Palin had her own comment on the trials being brought to New York, "where are those Obama death panels when we need them," she said.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.com/

SENATOR BOXER AMENDS HEALTH CARE BILL: NO COVERAGE FOR VIAGRA
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Senator Barbara Boxer said she would support the House version of the health care reform bill, with one condition. "If this new legislation makes womens reproductive issues, such as abortion off limits for health insurance providers, than it is only fair that the bill do the same for mens reproductive health," Boxer said. I propose there be no health care coverage for any medical issue involving male impotence, prostrate problems or testicular cancer."

Senator Boxer's amendment was met with strong opposition. "Who does she think she is to try and bring in big government to tell us what to do with our bodies." said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "This is a private issue that should be between a man and his doctor," said Senator Jon Kyl, of Arizona, "not with some government bureaucrat sticking their nose into private business." "Men are going to forced to go into back alleys to find third rate Viagra made by medical hacks," said Senator John Cornyn of Texas, "and who know how many deaths this will cause."

Not all senators are apposed to the Boxer amendment. Senator Joe Lieberman said, "I don't see anything wrong with the amendment. Women can find other ways to deal with a little erectile dysfunction." The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Senator Lieberman received a $100,000 donation from Hamden, Connecticut based Man-O-Man Industries, Inc., the largest maker of hand held vibrators.

for the real news, visit CLG at www.legitgov.org

DICK CHENEY'S SOUL DELISTED FROM EBAY
by R J Shulman

SAN JOSE, California - (PTSD News) - EBay, the world's premier on-line auction service has removed from its website a controversial item, the soul of former Vice President Dick Cheney. "There are two reasons why we will cancel an item once it's listed for auction," said David Nurdley, an eBay spokesperson, "first, if the listing is in poor taste, you know, stuff like Nazi memorabilia from the death camps and second, if we discover a seller is offering an item for bid that they do not own."

"We removed Cheney's soul when we were notified by the rightful owners of this item, the law firm of Beal, Zebub and Apollyon," Nurdley said. "We obtained his soul fair and square," said Lou C. Furr, a spokesman for Beal, "how else do you think that sociopath could have gotten so rich and powerful."

The item, which had seen fierce bidding had risen to $6.6 million, was canceled amid complaints from the bidders, most notably financier and philanthropist, George Soros, who had submitted the highest bid. "I am disappointed," said Soros, "as I saw this as a chance to condemn Cheney's soul to the kind of misery that he has caused millions of Americans and families all over the world with his shock and awe diplomacy and insatiable greed."

Dick Cheney, who did not contest the ownership of his soul, said that he was not as much upset about losing money from the sale of his soul, as he was that eBay had delisted all that Nazi memorabilia he was going to buy.

for the real news visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

GOP: UNEMPLOYMENT NOT SUCH A BAD THING
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Not everyone is upset that unemployment has hit double digits for the first time in 26 years. "We see high unemployment as a great opportunity for us," said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, "we just get the message out through Fox News and talk radio that this terrible economic meltdown happened entirely on Obama's watch, a clear sign he hates America."

"The reason why Americans will blame Obama for the bad economy is they have no memory and can't even recall who was president before Barack took office," said Ian McLorry of the Heritage Institute, "our research shows that when you ask the average American who they think of when you say "Bush," 32% say Reggie Bush, running back for the New Orleans Saints, 31% say Kyle Busch, NASCAR driver, 20% think of the guy who invented baked beans, while 18% respond it's the guy who invented Budweiser. George W shows up with only 1%, behind a lilac bush which gets 2%.

"The great news about all this inflation," said Rush Limbaugh, "is that it means that Obama is failing. I thank God and celebrate every time an American loses their job."

"What is thrilling about all this unemployment is that workers will be willing to work for pennies on the dollar," said Tennyson Hodge of the American Chamber of Commerce, "now we can push for repeal of the minimum wage so real Americans can steal back the jobs from the illegal aliens who stole the jobs from them."

"The Democrat party looks at all this unemployment and sees the glass half empty," said Newt Gingrich, "while we positive Republicans see the glass getting fuller and fuller." Since the announcemnt that unemployment was more than 10%, the markets have soared to their highest levels in more than a year. "Less money spent on workers means more of a bonus for me," said Ted Thorsten, CEO of UHR Industries.

The Republicans are not the only group that sees the bright side to high unemployment. Chinese mothers now have a new weapon to use when their children refuse to eat their vegitables. "I just say, you be happy to eat your bok choy because million of starving out of work Americans who would love to eat your plate," said Xiu Chung of Xi'an, China.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

LIEBERMAN COMES OUT AGAINST THE PUBLIC TOILET OPTION
by R J Shulman

HARTFORD - (PTSD News) - Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he is strongly opposed to the public toilet option of the Senate's health care reform bill and will hold up any effort to push the bill through. "I see no reason why we should send tax payer money down the crapper when the private sector can take care of business better," he said.

"The public toilet option will cause toilet rationing and will allow public bureaucrats to come between the user and their toilet," Lieberman told Sean Hannity on Fox. Representative Michele Bachmann, who also appeared on Hannity said, "It's time the government stopped dumping on taxpayers. I am calling for a nationwide boycott of toilets and for all good Americans to march on Washington in one great big toilet party." "Bachmann's so called 'toilet movement' is creating quite a stink, one that the President can no longer ignore," Hannity said.

Democratic Representative Alan Grayson of Florida who has spoken out against the rising cost of private sector pay toilets said, "The Republican plan is that if you don't have the money for a pay toilet, you just have to hold it in until you die, and then you should die quickly." "I don't understand why Grayson has got his panties in a bunch over this," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "Everybody knows sh*t happens."

"It's no wonder that in just a short time the public toilet option has become the number one or number two issue in America," said Ed Keister, President of American Pay Toilets of Trumbull, Connecticut, the world's largest manufacturer of pay toilets, "America simply does not want socialized bathrooms." Keister, flush with cash from his recent $12 million dollar bonus said, "how is it our fault if a person is so irresponsible to not have taken care of business before they left the house. Now they want the taxpayer to clean up after their mess."

"I reluctantly support the public toilet option, said Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich of Ohio, "although the best solution in my opinion is the no-payer option like they have in Canada and Europe." Kucinich pointed out that America is the only modernized country that has not recognized the rights of people to use toilets because every other nation knows, "when you gotta go, you gotta go." Newt Gingrich disagreed. "Going to the bathroom is not a right, it's a privilege," he said, "what incentive would their be for people to work if the bathroom key was just handed to them?"

The Senate is still haggling over a few points such as whether immigrants or gays would be allowed to use the public toilet option. Former Senator Larry Craig said he was not necessarily opposed to the public option. "It may be tapping into a real need," he said, "and I support it as long as the public toilet option allows people to use it who have a wide stance."

"The people who are against the public toilet option are just peeing in the wind," said Mark Stanley of People Organized Over Public Toilets, or POOPT, a non-profit group supporting the public toilet option. "It's time for Congress to get it's sh*t together. It's time for Congress to either sh*t or get off the pot."

for the real news, CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

AFTER ELECTION RESULTS, FOX NEWS DECLARES DEMOCRAT PARTY DEAD
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Just moments after the polls closed last night, Fox News projected that "the Democrat party would suffer such a crushing defeat that they would never recover," according to Roger Ailes, President of Fox, "with the landslide victories in New Jersey and Virginia, it's official, there is no longer a Democrat party."

"The Dems Doomsday was inevitable from the complete failure of health care reform, the disastrous stimulus package misstep and Obama's surrendering to the world, like a wimpy Frenchman," said Neil Cavuto. Cavuto noted that Obama's approval rating was the lowest of any president since the stone age. "How could the Democrats survive when our unbiased poll shows that their president has a 127% disapproval rating, with 35% wanting him out of office, 48% wanting him impeached and removed from office, and 98% saying he was not born in the US and should be removed from office."

"Our research clearly showed that every vote for a Democrat this past Tuesday was a fraudulent one by Acorn," said Sean Hannity. "If we had uncovered these slippery America haters in time to stop their fake votes, Conservative Doug Hoffman would have won by a landslide in upstate New York."

"The end of the Democrat Party signals and end to the war on Christmas, the war on Creationism, and the war on rich white men who happen to be CEOs," said Bill O'Reilly.

"Equally important was the smashing defeat of the gay agenda by the voters of Maine who did not want to grant extra special rights to selfish couples who wanted to extend the institution of marriage to their disgusting choice of lifestyle," said Glenn Beck. "I know Jesus is proud of this vote as it is clear in the bible that he wouldn't want any Christian to hang out with a typical homosexual or someone who even seemed like one, you know like a well groomed unmarried guy in his thirties, who wears sandals, worships his mother as a saint and tells everyone he has sympathy for poor people yet is against war."

"With just one political party, the division in America is finally over," said Newt Gingrich. "And it's a good thing Republicans have completely prevailed so that the government will be run by people dedicated to proving that the Government can't do anything right."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

GOP: PUT HEALTH CARE CEOs ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Usually Republicans advocate removing certain species from the protection of the Endangered Species Act, so it comes as a surprise that GOP leaders have introduced a bill to add to the protected list. "The times they are a-changin' and not for the better," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "so what better way to protect vanishing breeds than to take advantage of the Endangered Species Act."

"The first species we want to add to the endangered list are health care insurance CEOs," said Republican Whip Eric Cantor of Virginia, "as these hapless things may not be able to survive its natural predator, the public option." The GOP, at the urging of its National Chairman, Rush Limbaugh, has proposed to add to the endangered list, '"bloated, balding, bigoted white men who are desperate to hold on to some kind of birth right they think they're entitled to."

Also added to the rapidly vanishing list are Jewish senators from Connecticut who have betrayed their party, their constituents and have sold out their humanity. The Lieberman-McConnell bill as it is called, comes too late to save one species that has become extinct, the compassionate conservative.

In a last minute move, the GOP amended the bill to protect people like Representative Michele Bachmann, "who call it like it is, regardless of the facts," said McConnell. President Obama responded by saying, "the Republican may have a point here because if the Endangered Species Act can protect the Ozark big eared bat, it should also protect the Minnesota big mouth crazy-ass bat."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT: PALIN STOLE MY 15 MINUTES OF FAME
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - You may never have heard of Ernest Dingle, Claude Bonnet, or Paula Jean Pennington. They and thousands of other unknowns claim that their lack of notoriety is all Sarah Palin's fault. They have filed a law suit, Dingle v. Palin claiming that the former Alaskan governor appropriated their moment in the spotlight.

Attorney David Bernstein, speaking on behalf of the plaintiffs said, "There are those who through talent or notable deeds have earned their way to becoming household names, like Louis Pasteur, Derek Jeeter and Famous Amos, but for the rest of us there is that precious guaranteed fifteen minutes of fame. We believe that Sarah Palin's selfish commandeering of the media for all this time had unjustly deprived my clients of their moment in the sun." Bernstein admitted that Palin is not the first unworthy person to steal the spotlight. "There have been people like Vanilla Ice and Paris Hilton who have stayed around too long, but Palin's audacity is unprecedented."

Palin denies the charges and said she will explain all in a new 25 part series of Fox News called, "Sarah, We Harley Knew Ye," in which she will discuss her thoughts on everything from dinosaurs to John McCain, which of course is the same thing.

The lawsuit is asking for an unspecified amount of damages and a promise that Palin will just go away.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

FOX NEWS: JESUS AGAINST THE PUBLIC OPTION
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox News is running a report that their biblical scholar Dr. Blanton Griswold has determined that if Jesus were here today, "he would absolutely be opposed to the public option for health care. "Jesus said God helps those who help themselves," Griswold pointed out, "which clearly means that our Savior would be against government hand outs, like the public option."

"Also, Jesus would be against a public option, since it could be used by illegal aliens, the group of people that the Prince of Peace hated the most," Griswold said. "In addition, Jesus was against the tyrannical Roman Emperors who Obama is patterning his presidency after. What Jesus supported was the corporate model of doing things as the Son of God was like the CEO and his disciples were like a board of Directors. "That is why any law that tries to put the health care companies out of business is pure blasphemy and anyone who would sell out a company by divulging that it is polluting or injuring people is nothing more than a modern day Judas."

"Jesus is all the health care I need," said Amy Toadstock, of Lima, Ohio, who was wearing a shirt that read, "If God Wanted Us to Have a Public Option We Would Have Been Born with One In Our Hand." "The public option is just the futile attempt of the heathen Democrat party to try to get in the way 0f God," said TV evangelist Pat Robertson, "because it's the Good Lord who is making people sick to punish them for supporting the gay lifestyle."

"First they've taken God out of our schools and now they want to take God out of health care," said Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann, "the next thing you know, Obama and his Christ-hating minions are going to take God off of our money, and then where would America be?"

"I can't wait for God to smite these public option supporting atheists dead so they could see just how useless a public option really is," said Reverend Paul Luke of the Plantation Florida First Baptist Church."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/.