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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

OBAMA PARDONS TURKEY, GOP CRIES FOUL
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Within moments of Barack Obama following the long standing tradition of a president pardoning a turkey, Republicans and right-wing talk show hosts went on the offensive. "Obama's turkey pardon is just the beginning," said talk show host Laura Ingram, "by the time this foreign born Muslim death panelist usurper of states' rights is done, he will have pardoned his whole administration, Osama Bin Laden and worst of all, that gay Teletubby."

"What should be of concern to all Americans is that Obama will probably pardon all turkeys and then where would we be," said former Illinois Representative Dennis Hastart, "so I'm stocking up now." Hastart lamented that his garage deep freeze could only hold 35 turkeys. "Obama's support of special rights for turkeys proves he is on the verge of allowing homosexual turkeys to get married," said House Minority Leader John Boehner.

"Did you see it was a black turkey who got pardoned?" said Rush Limbaugh. "It's just not safe anymore for white male butterballs like me." When informed Obama pardoned a turkey rather than shooting it, Sarah Palin who was on her book tour in Normal, Illinois, fainted in disbelief in front of about one hundred of her supporters waiting for her to autograph her book, Going Rogue. Fox News reported the crowd to be about one billion and claimed one of Obama's storm troopers had attacked her.

"We know Acorn is behind the pardon," said Sean Hannity, "because they rigged it so a liberal turkey would be the one set free." "I weep for all those American birds not pardoned," wept Glenn Beck, "I'm so upset, I'll have to drown my sorrows by eating a butt-load of turkey."

Bill O'Reilly was less concerned about the actual pardon itself than he was about the loss of traditional American values. "There were no African-American pilgrims in Taxichusetts," he said, "now we have a black man carving up the turkey while his family says 'pass the MF turkey.'"

"How can Congress get anything done now with Turkey-gate on top of Bow-gate, Birth-gate, Death-gate, Tenther-gate, Acorn-gate, hate-gate and coal-gate," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "This president has more gates than O'Hare airport."


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