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Saturday, November 21, 2009

SOUTH CAROLINA SECEDES FROM THE UNION
by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina - (PTSD News) - After a call for a special convention to discuss the issue of the growing anger of its citizens, the South Carolina legislature passed an ordinance in favor of secession. The ordinance, which passed by a two thirds majority, states: We the people of South Carolina declare and ordain that the union that exists between South Carolina and the other states under the name of the United States of America led by the tyranical Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama is hereby dissolved.

With the announcement of independence from the United States, hundreds of people poured into the streets of Columbia and Charleston cheering and waving rebel flags to the sounds of church bells, fireworks and guns. "There are so many pick-up trucks here in one place, that my bud Ashton asked me if this was heaven. I said, 'no this is South Carolina,'" said Davis Chestnut of Greenwood, South Carolina.

"If at first you don't secede, try, try again," shouted a jubilant Clayton Beauregard, an insurance salesman from Barnwell, South Carolina, who had led a recent tea party in which pictures of Obama in Nazi garb were thrown into Charleston bay, "My great-great-great-great-great-granddaddy, the General would be proud of me now." He was referring to Brigadier General Beauregard, who on April 12, 1861 ordered his troops to fire on the Union garrison at Ft. Sumter, the first shots fired in the Civil War.

"I am proud to be a South Carolinian," said Representative Lynn Westmoreland, "as we are the first state to throw off the chains of a president who has gotten just too darn uppity." "If we can succeed from the union," said disgraced Governor Mark Sanford,"then I sure as shootin' can succeed from my marriage."

During an all night session, the legislature of the new Republic of South Carolina passed over two dozen laws. "The only debate we had was which law to pass first," said Representative Wylie Ward of Cayce, South Carolina "it was a toss-up between making NASCAR our national pastime or bringing back slavery." The legislature repealed the Bill of Rights, (or Special Rights as they called them) except for the Second Amendment, declared any discussion of evolution illegal and made it mandatory that anyone not "washed in the blood of the lamb" must register as an enemy combatant.

First to congratulate the new nation was Rush Limbaugh, who broadcast his show from his Columbia affiliate WVOC, saying he wished South Carolina had an NFL team because "the people of the great Republic of South Carolina would not stop a white man from owning those people who make up most the the players on a professional football team."

President Obama had met earlier with South Carolina leaders and in a concession to stop the secession, promised to take out the public option from the health care bill. But negotiations broke down when South Carolina insisted on changing the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday to KKK day.

The Republican party endorsed South Carolina's action. Newt Gingrich said, "South Carolina's decision to dissolve the union and to be free of the crippling liberalism of big government is in keeping with Republican traditional values, besides the GOP hates unions anyway."

"The South done rose again," said Harlon Crosswell of Dillon, South Carolina. "I don't know what to be happier about, not paying taxes to the commies in Washington or not having to be PC anymore."

Thirteen other State legislatures are actively considering secession.


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