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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

by R J Shulman

HARTFORD - (PTSD News) - Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he is strongly opposed to the public toilet option of the Senate's health care reform bill and will hold up any effort to push the bill through. "I see no reason why we should send tax payer money down the crapper when the private sector can take care of business better," he said.

"The public toilet option will cause toilet rationing and will allow public bureaucrats to come between the user and their toilet," Lieberman told Sean Hannity on Fox. Representative Michele Bachmann, who also appeared on Hannity said, "It's time the government stopped dumping on taxpayers. I am calling for a nationwide boycott of toilets and for all good Americans to march on Washington in one great big toilet party." "Bachmann's so called 'toilet movement' is creating quite a stink, one that the President can no longer ignore," Hannity said.

Democratic Representative Alan Grayson of Florida who has spoken out against the rising cost of private sector pay toilets said, "The Republican plan is that if you don't have the money for a pay toilet, you just have to hold it in until you die, and then you should die quickly." "I don't understand why Grayson has got his panties in a bunch over this," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "Everybody knows sh*t happens."

"It's no wonder that in just a short time the public toilet option has become the number one or number two issue in America," said Ed Keister, President of American Pay Toilets of Trumbull, Connecticut, the world's largest manufacturer of pay toilets, "America simply does not want socialized bathrooms." Keister, flush with cash from his recent $12 million dollar bonus said, "how is it our fault if a person is so irresponsible to not have taken care of business before they left the house. Now they want the taxpayer to clean up after their mess."

"I reluctantly support the public toilet option, said Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich of Ohio, "although the best solution in my opinion is the no-payer option like they have in Canada and Europe." Kucinich pointed out that America is the only modernized country that has not recognized the rights of people to use toilets because every other nation knows, "when you gotta go, you gotta go." Newt Gingrich disagreed. "Going to the bathroom is not a right, it's a privilege," he said, "what incentive would their be for people to work if the bathroom key was just handed to them?"

The Senate is still haggling over a few points such as whether immigrants or gays would be allowed to use the public toilet option. Former Senator Larry Craig said he was not necessarily opposed to the public option. "It may be tapping into a real need," he said, "and I support it as long as the public toilet option allows people to use it who have a wide stance."

"The people who are against the public toilet option are just peeing in the wind," said Mark Stanley of People Organized Over Public Toilets, or POOPT, a non-profit group supporting the public toilet option. "It's time for Congress to get it's sh*t together. It's time for Congress to either sh*t or get off the pot."

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