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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - GOP leaders are furious they were unable to halt the new hate crime legislation that was passed by Congress that provides for enhanced sentencing for crimes targeting gays. "Right now we are hopping mad we were unable to stop this clearly partisan legislation that surely means a government "gag-order" on conservative talk radio," said GOP Honorary Chairman Rush Limbaugh, "Honestly, for ratings, my whole show has to be a hate crime."

"This new law is going to be impossible to administer," said Ambrose Precious Johnston, founder of Still In Closet Klan, or SICK, an anti-gay activist group. "How are the thought police going to know if the reason I kicked the crap out of a limp-wristed, lisping homo from San Francisssy-co is because I was expressing hatred for the wimpy bastard, or because he was simply a guy who accidentally got in the way of my tire iron?." Senator John Kyl (R-AZ) echoed this concern, asking, "Could I be sent away to prison for a long time if I tell some guy to shove his Liza Minnelli or Cher Records up his posterior?"

"What I want to know why it's a hate crime if I try to do the Lord's work by using a little necessary persuasion, lets say with a gun or a boot to convince a deviant they are on the wrong spiritual path, but not a hate crime when Obama targets CEOs for getting too much pay. Isn't that inciting hatred of those who have achieved success?" said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

"I believe in my heart that this type of law is completely unnecessary," said Senator John McCain. "Those people already have a unfair lock on hair styling and interior decorating and you can already get up to sixty days in jail in Arizona for dragging a gay person to death behind your pick-up truck."

Former President George W. Bush said he would "veto-cate against the bill" when it came to his desk. "Thank goodness that joker no longer has a desk," said Senator Barbara Boxer, a supporter of the legislation.

"This is a day that will go down in infamy, as the moment we gave special rights to homosexuals who as we all know are responsible for all crimes in this country," said commentator Ann Coulter from her hospital bed where she is recovering from an enlarged prostate. "With this abominable despicable law passed by the diseased mentally ill vermin in gay infested Washington blocking us from our Constitutional right of hating those scum of the earth sub-human gays and lesbians," said talk show host Michael Weiner, better known to his fans as Michael Savage, "the only thing left to do with all of our hatred is to hate ourselves."

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