GOP IN PANIC:WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO BE AGAINST
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican party leaders have called an emergency meeting to address the shrinking number of issues they can be against. "The Democrat Party has tried to label us the party of no new ideas," said Newt Gingrich, "and now we are in danger of proving them right as we seem to have no new ideas to be against."

"We have had recent success by being against Obama, health care reform, gays, public education, saying yes I can, gays, hope, clean air, America getting the Olympics, minimum wage, gays, magic Negros, and did I say gays?" said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "but that is getting old, so we need to come up with new things to hate."

"Part of the problem is that the Republicans have lost their focus because they have been for and against the same issue," said George Will, "for example they have been for the Afghan War because of all the ammo, killing and machismo of combat, but they are also against it since Obama is now the Commander in Chief. Likewise, they are for illegal immigrants as they provide cheap labor, but then hate them as soon as they start speaking in Spanish."

"We are definitely running out of what to protest against," said political pundit David C. Martell, "and have recently had to oppose what were once iconic symbols of America. They have vilified mothers, demanding that they get no help in tough economic times, especially if it could be considered welfare in any way. They have come out against apple pie as they could be baked by union members and they wanted to kill Chevrolet by denying them bail out money."

Even gay bashing, which has been a staple for the GOP has come under fire. "We have been accused of being homophobic but that is not true," said Republican National Chairman Michael Steele, "we are just against the gay agenda and the gay lifestyle, but have nothing against young boys, if fact we love them, love them alot, but not in the ways which we are against."

"Pretty soon the Republicans will be left with only one issue to be against," said Gingrich, "and that would be against being against everything, and frankly, as a Conservative, I'm against that."

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