CHICAGO LOSES OLYMPIC BID; US DECLARES WAR ON DENMARK
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The stunning defeat of Chicago's bid to capture the 2016 Summer Games has led to swift action from President Obama. The president, who made a special visit to Copenhagen to help the Windy City win the Olympic nod to host the Summer Games wasted no time in declaring war on Denmark. "Make no mistake about it," Obama said, "when I went to meet with the Olympic committee, I had to take time away from the War on Drugs, the War on Poverty, the War on Cancer, the War on Terror and the War on Christmas. So to be slapped in the face like this means war, and so we now have the War on Denmark."

President Obama has already put together a Coalition of the Fuming, which includes Spain and Japan, who also lost their Olympic bids to the eventual winner, Brazil. In addition, Obama has enlisted the support of almost one billion Muslims who are still angered over the Danish cartoonist who depicted Mohamed as a terrorist.

"Denmark usually shows up as the happiest country in those stupid surveys," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, "let's see how happy they are after a little shock and awe." "There is something rotten in Denmark, all right," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, "and we are going to have to deal swiftly with this great right wing Danish conspiracy."

"I will forget about all this partisanship bickering we've been having and will come to the support of our president in time of war," said Utah Republican Orrin Hatch, "besides I'm happy to support attacking any country riddled with socialized medicine." "I am pleased to see that the president has finally grown a pair," said former Vice President Dick Cheney, "and realized that sometimes you have to go to the dark side to protect America."

Congress has already passed a massive anti-Denmark bill that has changed the name of Danish pastries to Freedom Pastries, renamed Great Danes, Great American Dogs, outlawed Danish furniture and placed an embargo on anyone trading with the Denmark. In a show of patriotism, comedian/actor Dane Cook has agreed to change his name. "I love this country so much that I am changing my name to Prince," said the former artist known at Dane Cook, "I always thought that dude had a cool name."

Former President George W. Bush threw his support behind Obama's war. "The new decider, decidicated correctly right by shock and awing those Denmarkians dead or alive. Only there is no oil in Denmark so I would have invaded Russia because they have plenty of that black silver that comes out of the ground." "I agree with the former President that Russia has oil," said former Governor Sarah Palin, "because I can see their oil from my house."

Not everyone is in favor of the War on Denmark. Representative Dennis Kucinich of Ohio said he doesn't believe the President has the right to declare war. President Obama answered by saying, "Oh, yes I can."

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