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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

by R J Shulman
NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell informed talk show host Rush Limbaugh that he will be allowed to be a partner in a group who wants to buy the St. Louis Rams under one condition - he must suit up and play on the field as one of the Rams. "The best way for someone like you to understand the effect your daily racist comments have on the players," wrote Goodell, "is to have them personally explain it to you in the way they know best, tackling the crap out of you."

Goodell said they will still have to iron out some possible rule changes because not only will the players from the opposing team want to slam Limbaugh to the ground, but his Ram teammates will want to do the same. Because it is likely that Limbaugh would fail the mandatory NFL drug test, Goodell said the league will make an exception and wave the restrictions.

"Limbaugh is always crying about how affirmative action gives jobs to unqualified black people, making white guys the victim of discrimination," said NFL players representative DeMaurice Smith. "We hear ya bro, so now you can be the unqualified white affirmative action player of the Rams."

If the sale goes through, Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo says he will have to create a new position for Limbaugh. 'He's completely unsuitable to be a halfback, fullback or quarterback, so I guess he'll have to play something more in line with who he is, a throwback. His presence in the game will give a new meaning to the term 'yards rushing,'" Spagnuolo continued, "as it will mean the number of yards a player drags lard-ass down the field without passing out."

Limbaugh said he had second thoughts about this new offer from the NFL and that he is contemplating purchasing an unnamed NBA basketball team instead. "If he does buy a team," said Cleveland Cavalier's Shaquille O'Neal, "somthing's gonna get slam dunked around here and it ain't gonna be a basketball."

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