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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Monday, June 28, 2010


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In another dramatic victory for firearm advocates, the Supreme Court ruled a Chicago ban on hand guns unconstitutional. What was surprising was the court's decision to extend their ruling to require all Americans to carry a handgun at all times.

Speaking for the conservative majority, Justice Samuel Alito said, "It is clear that bearing arms is not only a right, but a duty for anyone living in the United States." The 5-4 majority also extended the duty to carry weapons to the unborn. "Just as sacred to the founding fathers as the right to life, was the right to guns," wrote Alito. Building on their decision in Citizens United, in which the same majority declared corporations possessed all the rights of people, the Court stated that corporations had the right and duty to weapons without restrictions, whether guns or exploding oil wells.

The majority stopped short of including gays in the ruling. "The idea of married gays with guns might just short out the brains of the average American," Alito said.

"Today marks the first step of a great moment in American history," said Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association, "too bad they ruled people are only required to carry one gun instead of an entire arsenal."

"We are standing firm not to be caught up by guns and gun metaphors," said Justice Steven Bryer writing for the minority who supported upholding the Chicago law, "we just took our best shot at winning the arguement, but our aim was poor or we misfired and missed the target."

When asked by Katie Couric on CBS about the ruling, Sarah Palin said, "It's quite gratifying that Obama and his terrorist pals in big government on the court didn't try legislating from the bench, making the laws where the federal government tries to tell us in the states what to do...wait that's what they did. I'll have to get back to you on this one, Katie."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Sunday, June 27, 2010

by R J Shulman

LONDON - After tortuous weeks of being distracted by the gulf oil leak, BP CEO Tony Hayward has been able to get his life back. "It's so nice to get my yacht "Bob" into some clean open waters far away from all that churning and burning oil and fiery words of those rowdy environmentalists" Hayward said.

"It was jolly good to see Tony's smile and that twinkle in his eyes again," said Wyndham Charles Staunton, CEO of Global Assets Holding and a fellow yachter, "Those Yanks were absolutely uncivilized in their treatment of Tony. How can they blame Tony when it's clearly the flora and fauna that got in the way of the oil?"

Staunton is not the only person relieved Hayward has hoisted his sails. One hundred and twenty-two Republicans signed a petition of support of Hayward resuming his yachting life and asking the Presiden to set up a special relief fund to reimburse Hayward for his travel expenses from England to Washington after President Obama forced him to face a questioning squad of partisan Democrats.

Hayward said he appreciated the support, and when he wasn't yachting or finding short cuts to safety for drilling for oil, he was writing a memoir called, On Troubled Waters - How to Keep Yachting with Head Held High Even After You've Ruined Half the Ocean.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Thursday, June 24, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Fresh from apologizing to BP executive Tony Hayward for President Obama's "extortion" of $20 billion from the oil giant to pay for damages caused by the Gulf oil spill, Texas Representative Joe Barton made another apology - this time to the Prince of Darkness.

"My sincere apologies to you, Mr. Beelzebub," Barton said, "because our president has been extorting political correctness out of Americans who otherwise could easily express their hatred for those out of work people with their hands out for government handouts." Barton said he was asamed to live in a country where tyranny forced decent taxpayers to provide healthcare, unemployment, jobos and other benefits for people who clearly did not deserve it. "Even the Buddhists know that there is suffering in life," Barton said, "especially for people who choose to be poor and black."

Democrats, except for conservatives like Mary Landrieu and Blanche Lincoln condemned Barton, and most Republicans tried to distance themselves from the Texas lawmaker by saying he made a poor choice of words to describe Obama's overreaching and immoral government spending.
However, conservative talk show hosts for the most part supported Barton. Michael Weiner, better known to his followers as Michael Savage said, "it's about time someone other than yours truey has the guts to tell the truth. I hope these free-loading vermin all die horrible deaths, but not before their cheap labor can be used to bust the criminal union scum." "Barton is right, my friends," said Rush Limbaugh. "If I want to call a spade a spade and a hoe a hoe, why should some spade and his hoe tell me I can't?"

"All this forced PC is the height of fascist communism," said Glenn Beck pointing to his chalkboard that contained a picture of Obama goose stepping while holding a hammer a scickle. "All of this mandatory kumbaya is making me sick," said Bill O'Reilly on Fox. Sean Hannity pointed out that it was unfair it is that "black people can use the "N" word and white people can't. I can see why Joe Barton had to apologize to the devil for this injustice."

Lucifer accepted Barton's apology saying he was looking forward to a long and warm relationship with the representative and all those who cared about other people in the same way he did.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - General Stanley McChrystal, America's top military commander in Afghanistan has jumped into the lead for the Republican nomination for president in 2012, although he has not yet declared himself a candidate. McChrystal's meteoric overnight rise to notoriety stems from his interview in Rolling Stone magazine in which he and his top aides mocked civilian officials including the vice president.

"Once it got out McChrystal and crew called Joe Biden 'bite me,'" said GOP strategist Miff Lyarton, "that's all our conservative base needed to know Stan's the man for the nation's top spot." Fox News has already reported that if an election were held today, McChrystal would defeat Obama by 98% to 2% with a 5% margin of error.

McCrhystal, who has been in command over a deteriorating situation in Afghanistan since he was appointed to that position by President Bush in June 2009, is not concerned about his less than stellar performance in the war. "Everybody knows when I did things that didn't work out under Bush it was not his or my fault, but when I did the same things under this new president, it's it proof positive this Chicago big shot lawyer has no clue on how to keep our country safe," McChrystal said.

"McChrystal uderstands the conservative logic," Lyarton said, "like how it was treason for anyone to speak against President Bush, but a moral duty to disrespect Obama." Many GOP leaders agree, believing the dream team for the 2012 ticket is McChrystal/Palin or Palin/McChrystal.

Democratic stategist James Carville scoffed at this idea. "I guess the GOP's choice for who will run for president will be between a general who can't shoot straight and a general nuisance who can."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Saturday, June 19, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - (PTSD News) - He's eitheir done too little, too late or too much, too soon. He's not "kicked enough ass" or he has overstepped his authority and extorted BP out of $20 billion. No matter how you judge him, President Obama has been handed a spill that all the uiqlted Bounty and Dawn dish soap in the world couldn't handle.

But what would other other presidents said or done if the Deepwater Horizon blew up on their watch? Perhaps, it would have been something like this:

1. George W. Bush - "Who could have known there was oil in an oil well?"

2. Bill Clinton - "It depend on what the meaning of the word "spill" is."

3. George H.W. Walker Bush - "It's best if this mess is cleaned up by the private sector - a thousand points of light, a thousand Mexicans who will clean it up cheap."

4. Ronald Reagan - "I immediately order the reduction of taxes and increase of subsidies to BP so their profits can increase enough to trickle down to the people of the Gulf in their time of need."

5. Jimmy Carter - "Southern Gentleman be damned, if those f***ing greedy f**ks had listened to me about alternative energy sources, we wouldn't be up to our f***ing necks in this f***ing oil spill."

6. Richard Nixon - "Re-elect me because I have a secret plan to end the spill."

7 Lyndon Johnson - "BP better stop that leak or I'll release those pictures I have of their executives in compromising positions."

8. John F. Kennedy - "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to stop the oil leak."

9. Dwight D. Eisenhower - "Now you know why I warned against the military industrial complex."

10. Harry S. Truman- "The leak stops here."

John McCain, had he been elected may have said something like, "I disagree with those anti-Americans who say there're economic problems in the Gulf. Their economy is in great shape."

or Sarah Palin, if asked what she would do - "I'll have to get back to ya on that, you betcha."

Of course the big question is what would Jesus do? Perhaps he wouldn't have drilled in the first place.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Friday, June 18, 2010

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - In the wake of Chris Matthews' MSNBC documentary The Rise of the New Right, regarding the Tea Party, the birthers, the deathers, the tenthers, and well armed militias that have more guns than brains, Fox New has announced they are preparing and will air the following documentaries over the next few months to balance things out:

1. The Obama Question - Just Much Does This Foreign Born Socialist Hate America?

2. The Brown Hoard - Just How Much Danger Do the Democrat Liberals Want to Place Your Wives and Daughters in to Secure the Illigal Hispanic Vote?

3. The War on God - Just How Long Will It Be Before Obama Forces You to Become A Muslim Suicide Bomber?

4. Last Shot - Just How Much Time Do You Have Before Obama Confiscates Your Guns?

5. Keep Your Aim on the Prize - Just How Important Will it be to be a Good Shot When Obama's Jack Booted African Youth Corps Thugs Come to Take Your Guns?

6. Locked and Loaded - Just How Imortant Will it Be to Blow the Heads Off the Communist Mexican Muslim Lesbian Flag Burning Pals of the President that Obama has Personally Placed Under Your Bed?

7. The CEO Crisis - Just how much bullying from the America Hating Liberals can these Selfless, Underpaid Patriots Take?

8. Change You Can Die With- Just How Dangerous is it for Americans to go from the Best President Ever, George W. Bush to the Worst President Ever, Barach Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein (did we remember to say Hussein?) Obama?

9. President Palin - Just How Long Must Patriotic Americans Have to Suffer Before They Hear Those Two Glorious Words?

Fox President Roger Ailes said that Fox News has grown into the most watched news source because they are the only news organization to broadcast both sides of an issue. "For example," Ailes said, "We show the viewers both how Obama is failing and how he is not succeding."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Thursday, June 17, 2010

by R J Shulman

VENICE, Louisiana - (PTSD News) - BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg apologized for his comment yesterday that BP cared about the "small people." The Swedish born Svanberg later tried to make amends by saying, "Please pardon my English, which blew up, so to speak, and leaked all over the unimportant little people who I didn't want to offend."

BP said they are doing the best they can to stop Svanberg from spilling any more toxic words about the residents of the Gulf. "We'll try the top kill, where we pour mud and sludge into Svanberg's gaping mouth, but the force of his unfortunate words might be more than a match for gloop we can pour into his face."

BP is also concerned about what CEO Tony Hayward might say when he gets drilled by Congress. "I sure hope he doesn't spew forth the sob story how he was pulled away from his life of yachting and gettng Asian massages to have to have to deal with the pesky little oil spill," said BP Executive Derek Spillman. Spillman pointed out, "When the Exxon Valdez spilled oil like a drunken sailor spends money on shore leave, well it was a drunken sailor that caused it, but the important thing is that Exxon knew to shut their pie hole and wait for a friendly judge to reduce their liability to practically nothing. But those big holes in the middle of BP execs faces have already cost us $20 billion and counting."

Spillman said he expected the BP executive holes to be plugged sometimes in late August. "By then," Spillman said, "we can fix the whole mess by declaring bankruptcy."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Monday, June 14, 2010

by R J Shulman

POINT BUNKER, Wyoming - (PTSD News) - "What do you think enhanced interrogation is for," said former Vice President Dick Cheney to George W. Bush, "You'd never see my Liz say anything as outrageous as your Barbara's comment on health care." Cheney, who briefly emerged from one of his favorite bunkers for the first time since the BP oil disaster was referring to 28 year-old Barbara Bush's statement on Fox News that she was glad that Obama's health care reform passed because "health care should be a right for everyone."

"I could never keep that one in line, heh-heh," said former President Bush,"but it's all waterboards under the bridge since I'm not the decider anymore." "Maybe if we spent more time teaching our little girl right from left," said Laura Bush, "we wouldn't be facing such tragic and embarrassing behavior from our daughter now."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Sunday, June 13, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Dr. Bernard Porter of the Brainard Pope Institute of Political Studies of Bradford, Pennsylvania says the BP issue will determine the outcome of the midterm elections this fall. "However, the real BP issue it will not be fear of the devistation of BP's oil spill, but fear of Brown People, as immigration worries will propel "get tough on Mexicans" candidates into office.

Immigration will not be the only non-oil BP issue that will have great impact, Porter says, as fear of a Black President will still hold sway at the polls as candidates will claim Obama wants to take away guns and God while forcing a gay agenda on America. "When Bush took unprecidented powers to spy on Americans and institute torture as a new American family value no one seemed to get all that upset, however Obama trying to extend health care to more Americans is," Porter said.

Even if people are still concerned about the oil spill," said Byron Pittson, of BP, "we will use another form of BP, Big Propaganda to get people to blame everything exept British Petroleum."

for the real news, visit CLG at

Saturday, June 12, 2010

by R J Shulman

LONDON - (PTSD News) - BP CEO Tony Hayward announced Homer Simpson has been hired to develop new ideas to stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. "Why not use a guy whose ideas can't be any dumber than the one's we came up with," Hayward said, "but who is alot more lovable than anyone at BP." Hayward noted another advantage is Simpson has been able to make people laugh at pending nuclear disaster so why not use him to generate a few chuckles about an oil spill.

"In addition," Hayward said, "we can cut the expense of those high powered engineers when Homer will work for peanuts, well donuts, actually." Garrison Hopper, of Hopper, Boles and Goniff, a PR firm hired by BP said, "Having Homer make the oil leak worse, as will surely happen will amuse Americans who'll feel good there's someone even dumber than they are. Besides, Simpson will further distract them from blaming Bush,Cheney and the congressmen of both parties who took money and looked the other way as BP cut corners."

Homer Simpson said his first idea was to use Marge's vacuum cleaner to suck the oil out of the gulf and if that doesn't work he'll convert the toxic mess into vats of Duff Beer. When asked if he was proud his father, Bart Simpson simply said, "I didn't do it."
for the real news, visit CLG at

Thursday, June 10, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Frustration is building as the latest attempt by President Obama to slam his foot into the posterior of a person or persons responsible for the greatest man made environmental disaster has failed. Sources close to the president say the top kill plan, calling for Obama to decisively bring his foot into the backside of the top executive of BP, Tony Hayward, while the CEO was leaning out of a private hellicopter to look at the spot where the Deepwater Horizon oil rig was lost, failed when all Obama could do was shuffle his shoe. The president explained his failure to launch by saying, "Americans are afraid of an angry black man, and the person most afraid of an angry black man is me."

Not everyone was upset at this latest ass kicking failure. Executives of BP, Trans-Ocean, Halliburton and officials from Minerals and Mining Services who allowed oil company personnel to fill out inspection forms breathed a sigh of relief. "We've been spending a great deal of time covering our asses, which may not in reality be in danger of even the first shoe falling," said David Lasar, Halliburton CEO.

"It's time we have a president who doesn't kick like a girl," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Others agreed. "Instead of a president who pals around with terrorists and couldn't beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest," said Sarah Palin, "we need a president who isn't afraid to lock, load, aim and thrust a boot into the booty of the persons responsible for the spill - the environmentalists and big government goons who have prevented the oil companies from drilling wherever, whenever and however they want to get us the oil we need."

"There is somebody's ass that will feel the wrath and sting of a boot shoved up in there," said Michele Obama. "the only question that remains is whether I'm gonna use the words "Mr. Chicken-ass president" before I let loose.

for the real news, visit CLG at

Thursday, June 03, 2010

by R J Shulman

GATED WHITE COMMUNITY, Texas (PTSD News) - Former President George W. Bush said today that in hindsight he learned, "that if you get the chance, you should make your most important mistakes all over again including torturing that Colored Sheikh Mohammed." Bush said his only regret was that he "didn't waterboardicate that Sheik long enough to get him to admit that Saddam Hussein was the 911 mastermind with stock piles of weapons of mass distruction that were ready to go off under the beds of Americans, and then waterboard him further until he would tell me who would win the World Series for the next ten years."

Bush said he was proud of his presidency and would invade Iraq and Afghanistan all over again to "kill all those people to save their lives." Bush also admitted he was a deeply religious man who "prayed to God real hard before every decision and kept praying until God agreed with my decision."

for the real news, visit

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

by R J Shulman

LONDON - (PTSD News) - In a rare moment of world solidarty, people from all over the globe, and from all walks of life took time out of their day to pay tribute to BP CEO Tony Hayward's lost vacation. Hayward had to put his planned cruise on hold to answer questions about the ongoing massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

"He worked so hard for the money, saving BP thousands of dollars by avoiding costly safety precautions and bribing American officials so he could buy his yacht," said Guiseppe Carlini, a shoe distributor from Milan, Italy,"and now his yacht lies idle and forlorn. It's just heart wreching." Palestinains and Isrealis temporarily ceased hostilities to pay tribute to the death of Hayward's planned holiday. "Without oil, neither side could properly continue our three thousand year conflict," said Ari Yakmon, an Israeli commander. Mohammed Al Makmud a Palestinian police colonel agreed, "the loss of Mr. Hayward's time off could affect his ability to find oil and then where would we all be?"

I appreciate the outpouring of sympathy," Hayward said. "There is no one more motivated than me to put this leak behind them as I would like to get back to my life." Hayward had planned to take his family and friends on a tour of the Gulf of Mexico oil wells that BP owns, but cancelled because he could not take the chance his new yacht might get its propellars fouled and its hull covered in dark goop.

"Liberals can't wait to punish a man for his wealth," said Rush Limbaugh, "If those jealous commies want to be rich like Hayward, they should drill their own wells." "Tony Hayward of British Petroleum is a true American hero," said Sarah Palin. "He is finding oil, while Obama is palling around with terrorists. Now tell me, would your rather drive your car on oil found by Mr. Hayward or drive it on the fingers of blame pointed by the liberals at the necessary people drilling the oil wells that are so needed to keep us supplied with the oil they need to drill for?"

"What a shame Tony has to suffer at the hands of the traitors in the White House," said Michele Bachmann (R-Minn). "Let's point the blame at what is really bringing the oil on shore, the ocean."
Others have blamed the media. "This story of the oil trickle should have been a non-starter and the media should have been concentrating on the illegal aliens who have devistated Arizona," said talk show host Laura Ingram, "Instead of going after Tony Hayward, the media should be going after the liberals who leaked the oil spill story to the main stream media who then spread this non-story like, well like the oil spreading all over the Gulf.

for the real news, visit CLG at