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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Monday, June 28, 2010


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In another dramatic victory for firearm advocates, the Supreme Court ruled a Chicago ban on hand guns unconstitutional. What was surprising was the court's decision to extend their ruling to require all Americans to carry a handgun at all times.

Speaking for the conservative majority, Justice Samuel Alito said, "It is clear that bearing arms is not only a right, but a duty for anyone living in the United States." The 5-4 majority also extended the duty to carry weapons to the unborn. "Just as sacred to the founding fathers as the right to life, was the right to guns," wrote Alito. Building on their decision in Citizens United, in which the same majority declared corporations possessed all the rights of people, the Court stated that corporations had the right and duty to weapons without restrictions, whether guns or exploding oil wells.

The majority stopped short of including gays in the ruling. "The idea of married gays with guns might just short out the brains of the average American," Alito said.

"Today marks the first step of a great moment in American history," said Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association, "too bad they ruled people are only required to carry one gun instead of an entire arsenal."

"We are standing firm not to be caught up by guns and gun metaphors," said Justice Steven Bryer writing for the minority who supported upholding the Chicago law, "we just took our best shot at winning the arguement, but our aim was poor or we misfired and missed the target."

When asked by Katie Couric on CBS about the ruling, Sarah Palin said, "It's quite gratifying that Obama and his terrorist pals in big government on the court didn't try legislating from the bench, making the laws where the federal government tries to tell us in the states what to do...wait that's what they did. I'll have to get back to you on this one, Katie."

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