IN EFFORT TO MOVE AWAY FROM HATE MESSAGES AND ADDRESS REAL ISSUES FACING EVERYDAY AMERICANS, GOP ADOPTS STUNNING NEW 2016 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN OF HOPE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - The Republican Party just announced its slogan for the 2016 Presidential Campaign, vowing to “move away from past usage of scare tactics and dog-whistles for bigots and concentrate on the issues that face the typical American citizen,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. With that in mind our new slogan will be, “Don’t Let Same-Sex Godless Muslim Illegal Immigrant Inner City Thugs Abort Your Gun Rights In The Wrong Bathroom In Front of Your Kids After They Sole Their Bibles And Replaced Them With Sharia Law.’”  Priebus added, “for far too long the Republican Party has prayed on the fear and ignorance of large numbers of the American public by using messages of fear and hatred to gather votes.  However, this is the year of addressing real issues and what better candidate to bring across our new message of hope and healing than Donald Trump.”  

There was a discussion among GOP party leaders to add Communist to the slogan, but the majority felt most people who feared a takeover by the Soviet Union were either dead or couldn’t remember their own names anymore, let alone fear that Krushchev was hiding under their bed.  In an effort to appeal to young people, the RNC also considered telling them that voting for a Democrat would cause their iPhone or other music device to be confiscated and given to a poor person without a job, but this idea was dropped because so many young people were themselves poor and jobless and might think they would be given a free iPhone if a Democrat was elected.

Former President George H.W. Bush thought the new slogan was too complicated, saying, “why don’t we just drag out the old Willie Horton add.  That still scares the bejesus out of me.” 

MEDIA VOWS TO END LIBERAL BIAS FAVORING SANDERS AND GIVE TRUMP MORE COVERAGE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Responding to repeated calls for the press to end its overly liberal bias in their news coverage, major media outlets have promised to reduce stories about Bernie Sanders to make sure the campaign of Donald Trump does not get ignored. “We have been so distracted by meaningless issues such as income inequality and a rigged political and economic system that all we have been talking about 24/7 is Bernie Sanders,” said Ken Jautz, Executive Vice President of CNN News.  Les Moonves, President of CBS agreed saying, “We’ve covered pointless stories about the shrinking of the middle class, how no one can afford to put their kids through college, and stagnant wages when the real issue facing Americans every day is which bathroom a transgender should be using.”

“The media has ignored the will of the people by hanging on every word of some old bald Jewish guy kvetch about this and that when this is a Christian nation that wants to hear a virile God-fearing man with a full head of hair tell it like it is,” said Thomas Calicut of Media Watchers, a group that until now has unsuccessfully lobbied news outlets to stop their media blackout of Trump.

“We have spent so much time showing Bernie Sanders’ every move that we lost sight that the DNC has already picked Hillary Clinton as their candidate,” said J. Davidson Taylor, Vice President of News at NBC. “We promise to turn our attention to the true blue American success story that is the Trump wave sweeping across the country, and of course, the Hillary email scandal.” 

“Thanks to us in the liberal press, no one seems to know who the hell Donald Trump is,” said Dean Baquet, Executive Editor of the New York Times. “That will change, so by the national election, Trump will get the amount of coverage that will make him happy.”

So far, ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, MSNBC, the New York Times, Washington Post and Facebook have all pledged to overcome their liberal bias and give Donald Trump a chance.  However, Fox News said they will not be changing their news coverage of Donald Trump as Fox President Roger Ailes said, “because we’ve gotten coverage of Trump just about right.”

SECRET DOCUMENTS REVEAL CAITLYN JENNER CHANGED GENDER TO BE FIRST OFF SINKING SHIP IF TRUMP ELECTED PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained the text of a tweet from Caitlyn Jenner that was never sent, when she was still a he, telling a close friend he was terrified of a Trump presidency.  The tweet read, “If that pompous orange jerk becomes president, America will surely go down like a sinking ship, and as you know, it’s women and children first.”

Jenner has denied that she wrote that message or changed her gender to give her preferential treatment in case of a disaster requiring Americans to abandon ship.  However, a source close to Jenner said he remembers that Bruce was distraught when he learned Trump might throw his hat in the presidential ring.  The reliable source said, “A little after his divorce, Bruce said to me, ‘I am crushed by the betrayal of that two-timing media whore because the little bitch is nothing more than a major slut who would do anything for attention and I don’t mean my ex-wife Kris, but that blow-hard who lives at the top of Trump Towers.’”

Jenner was not available for comment, but the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that she has purchased a life jacket and a house in Toronto. 

TRUMP SAYS AS PRESIDENT HE WILL USE NUKES ONLY ON THOSE WHO INSULT HIM

by R J Shulman

TRUMP TOWERS – (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to calm fears that he would be trigger happy, Donald Trump told Fox News, “just because I could push the button doesn’t mean I would. Of course, if Megyn Kelly hadn’t made nice, she would be on my list, along with anyone who doesn’t give me the news coverage or respect I deserve.”

Trump said he had no plans to bomb North Korea,” because Kim Jong whatever his name is I can respect because he has a huge ego, although not as huge as mine.  But I can tell you this. I will threaten Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days until he pees in his pants just to prove what a mature individual I am.”

Trump did not disclose whether he would use nuclear weapons on the states that did not vote for him in the general election, saying, “that’s as secret at my tax returns which I will disclose only after Hillary discloses that she is a communist lesbian who personally ordered Islamic terrorists to kill all Americans in Benghazi and personally murdered Vince Foster, JFK and Jesus and sent the hugest top secret American secrets to Putin of the Soviet Union or whatever it is called these days.  Only then will I disclose my tax returns.”

DNC LIVID OVER MASSIVE STASH OF INVISIBLE CHAIRS FOUND AT SANDERS’ HEADQUARTERS

by R J Shulman

BURLINGTON, Vermont – (PTSD News Service) – The Democratic National Committee called for an emergency meeting today to address the recent discovery of over 2,500 invisible chairs hidden in a back room of Bernie Sanders’ headquarters in his home state of Vermont.  “We knew he and his supporters were planning to disrupt the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia,” said DNC Chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, “but we had no idea of the extent of violence planned, as evidenced by the sheer number of invisible chairs amassed by the senator’s avid supporters who were sure to let them fly at the convention.”

“At least Donald Trump can dodge those rocks and bottles thrown at him, like George W. Bush could get out of the way of that wayward shoe,” Schultz said, “but how can you possibly defend yourself from an invisible chair heading straight for your face?”  Schultz added, “just like Nevada is a testing ground for lethal weapons at places like Area 51, we had a feeling Nevada might be the place where Sanders would launch his invisible chairs at real Democrats. We just had no idea his scheme was so far advanced.”

“We are not going to take Bernie’s invisible chairs sitting down,” said Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton, “so I am calling again for Senator Sanders to fold his invisible chairs and his campaign before anyone gets hurt and on the way out to tell Donald Trump he should suspend his campaign too, because the numbers show I have already won the presidency.”

“What is so ironic is that we were going to offer him a place at the table, but his invisible chair attack ended that,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer.

The DNC has not decided what action they might take against Sanders, although a high ranking Democratic official said Sanders’ punishment for stockpiling so many invisible chairs would be something between blocking his campaign from accessing its voter lists until after the California primary to pulling the legs out from under his campaign altogether.

A Sanders’ spokesperson denied that the senator or his followers were planning anything violent but warned that if the DNC tried to discipline Bernie, that Schultz and the rest of the DNC would be sure to “feel the chair.”

TRUMP SAYS HIS LIST OF SUPREME COURT NOMINEES WAS ONLY A SUGGESTION; NOW LEANS TOWARD FORMER CELEBRITY APPRENTICE CONTESTANTS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Almost immediately after issuing a list of possible Supreme Court nominees to replace the late Antonin Scalia should he be elected president, Donald Trump told Fox News that those names were “just a suggestion to appease the religious right-out-of-their-minds faction of the Republican party who don’t have a clue about TV ratings.”  Trump said, “I am considering nominating former contestants from my hugely rated Celebrity Apprentice show, such as Gary Busey, Snooki Pulizzi or La Toya Jackson who would be much more entertaining than a bunch of stuck in the mud uptight losers who couldn’t get dates in high school.  Can you imagine Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister trying to rule on transgender bathrooms when he himself is always in the wrong restroom?  How about Dennis Rodman trying to determine in invading North Korea was legal when he was practically worshiped there?”

“Besides,” Trump said, “I wouldn’t want anyone on the Supreme Court that I hadn’t fired at least once.”  Trump did hint that he might nominate Anita Hill to the bench, “just to see the look on Clarence ‘Uncle Thomas’’ face.”

TRUMP TO PICK KIM KARDASHIAN AS VP; FEELS HE WASN’T GETTING ENOUGH PRESS COVERAGE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump announced today that he will select Kim Kardashian as his vice presidential running mate. “The press has been so unfair to me with their practical black out of my huge hands-on campaign, so I picked Kim, who’s no dog, mind you, to give me a fighting chance to make it into the news cycle.”

When questioned about Kardashian’s lack of leadership experience, Trump said, “Are you kidding? A great leader has followers and by time she takes office she would have more followers on Twitter than George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan combined when they took office.”

“I’m relieved that Donald chose Kim Kardashian,” said Ken Jautz, Executive VP at CNN, “Now we can downsize our reporting crew as we won’t have to cover any story other than the Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian march to the White House.”

The news of the Trump-Kardashian ticket exploded all over the media which wiped out any news coverage of the stories that World War III had started in the Balkans, a new incurable virus that threatens to wipe out all humanity was accidentally released by the CDC in Times Square, and a transgender woman may have used the wrong bathroom in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, only minutes after an innocent young child left that very same bathroom.

SOUTHERN STATES SECEDE FROM UNION OVER BATHROOM FREEDOM EDICT

by R J Shulman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – (PTSD News) – Shots were fired today at Fort Sumter to mark the secession of South Carolina from the Union.  “We are sick and tired of northern agitators like Obama trying to free our bathrooms so that anyone can use whatever restroom they want, regardless of the one they were assigned to by Jesus,” said South Carolina State Senator Reb Stonewall.   

Within hours, nine other states, including Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, North Carolina, Florida, Texas, Tennessee, Virginia and Arkansas followed suit to form the Commode States of America.  The CSA declared Richmond, Virginia as its capital and named a temporary head, Jefferson Davis IV, who said, “If we can’t stand up for proper bathroom usage, we are not really men.”

“We can’t let a bunch of people with New York values try and tell us what is important about our bathrooms, when we know full well down here what our number one and number two problems are,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who reinstated his presidential bid, although this time to lead the CSA.

“I feel relieved that we finally were able to move in the direction to dump the federal government’s obstructionist directives, because I couldn’t hold it in much longer,” said South Carolina Lt. Governor Max Flushing.  “Those liberals were about to send our traditional values right down the toilet.”

Jefferson said the first order of business would be to reinstate colored bathrooms because, “we still haven’t forgiven you yanks for making us get rid of those.”  Jefferson ended by saying, “taking control of our facilities will show the world that the South will rise again.”

TRUMP TO SETTLE DISPUTE WITH RYAN BY COMPARING HAND SIZE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – House Speaker Paul Ryan insisted that the goal of his upcoming meeting with presumptive Republican presidential nominee is not a peeing contest or a manhood comparison, but to unify the party by finding out once and for all who has bigger fingers. Trump agreed, saying, “after the meeting everyone will see that not only do I have huger hands, but I have the bestest words.”

Ryan said there may be room for minor differences within the GOP because, “the party has a big tent as there are still a lot of white people left in America,” but he hopes Trump will voluntarily adopt the will of the people, meaning the agenda of the Koch brothers, because, “as a billionaire like the Kochs, Trump should know by now what is best for him.” 

GOP ELITE OUTRAGED BY TRUMP ACTUALLY VOICING THEIR REAL POSITIONS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In an unprecedented season of political intrigue in the presidential primaries, scores of high profile members of the GOP are angry with presumptive nominee Donald Trump for forgetting to be politically correct.  “How dare he blurt out hatred for Mexicans and Muslims instead of using our standard dog whistle comments about securing our borders,” said former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who was soundly defeated by Trump.

“It is so disgusting for Trump to have made our position clear about treating women as second class citizens by belittling them, when all he had to do was say he favors traditional family values,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who was soundly defeated by Trump.

“How stupid of him to encourage bullies at his rallies to pound on the weak, when all he had to do was say that America must be the strongest country on earth to deal with undesirable countries,” said Senator Marco Rubio, who was soundly defeated by Trump.

“How moronic of Trump to accept endorsements from white supremacists which looks bad when all he had to do was say he supports law enforcement, hates hoodies and that all lives matter,” said former Texas Governor Rick Perry, who was soundly defeated by Trump.  Agreeing with Perry, former President George H. W. Bush said, “Trump should have avoided any appearance of being a racist by things he says off the cuff, when all he had to do was run a Willie Horton type ad right before the general election.”

But obviously, most Republicans have not found Trump’s message shocking as he has crushed the competition which once numbered sixteen other candidates.  As one typical long-time Republican voter and Trump supporter, Billy Joe Bobb of Dust Stump, Georgia said, “It’s about time one of our leaders spoke my mind.” 

LOOKING AT THE HUGE HUNDRED: THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY

by R J Shulman

TRUMP, D.C. – (PTSD News) – One Hundred days have passed since the Inauguration of President Donald J. Trump on January 20, 2017.  The Post Times Sun Dispatch has compiled the following list of the major accomplishments made during that time by the Trump Administration:

·         Trump stacks his cabinet with super models from former Iron Curtain countries, saying, “it’s not so much about a woman’s right to choose, but more about my right to choose a woman.”

·         Trump bails out Trump Casinos.

·         Trump builds a twelve-foot high wall between the United States and Mexico, but in a surprise move builds it so New Mexico is on the Mexico side saying, “we already have too many Mexicans in the country. We don’t need any New Mexicans.”

·         Trump bails out Trump Real Estate.

·         Trump replaces Teddy Roosevelt’s likeness with his own on Mt. Rushmore and renames it Mt. Trumpmore.

·         Trump bails out Trump University.

·         Trump re-names the White House, “Trump House.”

·         Trump bails out Trump Fashions.

·         Trump threatens to shut down the entire US auto industry if Ford does not change the name of their turbocharged direct injection gasoline engines from Ford Eco-boost to Trump Ego-boost.

·         Trump bails out Trump Mortgage.

·         Trump not only replaces the planned portrait of Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill with his own portrait, but orders that his portrait appear on all US currency.

·         Trump bails out Trump Steaks.

·         Trump Names Jeb Bush Secretary of Applause.

·         Trump bails out Trump Gaming Company.

·         Trump says “you’re fired” to Congress.

·         Trump nominates himself for the vacant seat on the US Supreme Court.

·         Trump bails out Trump Airlines.

·         Trump erects a huge statue of himself to replace the Washington Monument.

·         Trump bails out Trump Beverages.

·         Trump renames China “Oriental America” so he can print “Made in America” on his companies’ products.

·         Trump bails out Trump Vodka.

·         Trump names Sarah Palin Ambassador to Siberia and sends her there saying, “It makes sense, because that’s the part of Russia she can see from her house.”

·         Trump bails out Trump Magazine.

·         Trump declares the United States bankrupt due to an excessive amount of bail outs.

·         Trump wins a world-wide televised peeing contest with Kim Jong-un and gets to move his factories to Pyongyang where he can pay workers 8 cents an hour.

·         Trump chastises the press for saying his has a large ego.

GOD SAYS SHE WON'T ATTEND THIS YEAR’S REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

by R J Shulman

MOUNT SINAI, Egypt – (PTSD News Service) – Following similar announcements from former Presidents George Bush, George W. Bush and former Governor Mitt Romney, God has spoken, saying She will not be attending the GOP Convention in Cleveland in July.  “While the Republicans useth my name a lot more than the Democrats, I cannot giveth my blessing to a party that had as its two front runners an ungodly, mean, petty, ugly man who couldn’t get along with anybody and the other, a narcissistic named Trump,” God said.

God sent Her message through former Olympic track star Edwin Moses, who traveled from Los Angeles to Mount Sinai to receive Her message, which was set in stone. “Man, I had no intention to rise up so early in the morning to go up a mountain,” Moses said, “but when God or your wife commands you to do something, you do it.”

God did not say whether she would attend the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, but said that she did send a birdie to perch on the podium of her favorite candidate. 

TED CRUZ TO SUE GOD OVER FAILING TO KEEP HIS PROMISE TO MAKE HIM PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

GNAW BONE, Indiana – (PTSD News Service) – After losing badly to Donald Trump in Indiana, practically assuring the businessman and reality TV star of the Republican presidential nomination, Senator Ted Cruz told a handful of supporters in this small town in Boone County, that he is “going to sue the living pants off God because, goddamn it, He promised me the White House and by all that is holy he is going to give it to me or He’ll have hell to pay.”  Cruz said, “I have given my time, money, heart and soul in my quest to make sure those ungodly New York values don’t get in the White House and yet it sure looks like God will send either a former New York senator, a socialist born in New York or a New York businessman to Washington.”

Donald Trump responded to the law suit by saying, “If Ted is thinking of taking God to court, he should sue him for making him so goddamned ugly.”