SOUTHERN STATES SECEDE FROM UNION OVER BATHROOM FREEDOM EDICT

by R J Shulman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – (PTSD News) – Shots were fired today at Fort Sumter to mark the secession of South Carolina from the Union.  “We are sick and tired of northern agitators like Obama trying to free our bathrooms so that anyone can use whatever restroom they want, regardless of the one they were assigned to by Jesus,” said South Carolina State Senator Reb Stonewall.   

Within hours, nine other states, including Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, North Carolina, Florida, Texas, Tennessee, Virginia and Arkansas followed suit to form the Commode States of America.  The CSA declared Richmond, Virginia as its capital and named a temporary head, Jefferson Davis IV, who said, “If we can’t stand up for proper bathroom usage, we are not really men.”

“We can’t let a bunch of people with New York values try and tell us what is important about our bathrooms, when we know full well down here what our number one and number two problems are,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who reinstated his presidential bid, although this time to lead the CSA.

“I feel relieved that we finally were able to move in the direction to dump the federal government’s obstructionist directives, because I couldn’t hold it in much longer,” said South Carolina Lt. Governor Max Flushing.  “Those liberals were about to send our traditional values right down the toilet.”

Jefferson said the first order of business would be to reinstate colored bathrooms because, “we still haven’t forgiven you yanks for making us get rid of those.”  Jefferson ended by saying, “taking control of our facilities will show the world that the South will rise again.”