Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch
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Friday, May 13, 2016
SOUTHERN STATES SECEDE FROM UNION OVER BATHROOM FREEDOM
EDICT
by R J Shulman
CHARLESTON, South Carolina – (PTSD News) – Shots were fired
today at Fort Sumter to mark the secession of South Carolina from the
Union. “We are sick and tired of
northern agitators like Obama trying to free our bathrooms so that anyone can
use whatever restroom they want, regardless of the one they were assigned to by
Jesus,” said South Carolina State Senator Reb Stonewall.
Within hours, nine other states, including Georgia, Alabama,
Mississippi, North Carolina, Florida, Texas, Tennessee, Virginia and Arkansas followed
suit to form the Commode States of America.
The CSA declared Richmond, Virginia as its capital and named a temporary
head, Jefferson Davis IV, who said, “If we can’t stand up for proper bathroom
usage, we are not really men.”
“We can’t let a bunch of people with New York values try and
tell us what is important about our bathrooms, when we know full well down here
what our number one and number two problems are,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who
reinstated his presidential bid, although this time to lead the CSA.
“I feel relieved that we finally were able to move in the
direction to dump the federal government’s obstructionist directives, because I
couldn’t hold it in much longer,” said South Carolina Lt. Governor Max
Flushing. “Those liberals were about to
send our traditional values right down the toilet.”
Jefferson said the first order of business would be to
reinstate colored bathrooms because, “we still haven’t forgiven you yanks for
making us get rid of those.” Jefferson
ended by saying, “taking control of our facilities will show the world that the
South will rise again.”
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