DNC LIVID OVER MASSIVE STASH OF INVISIBLE CHAIRS FOUND AT SANDERS’ HEADQUARTERS

by R J Shulman

BURLINGTON, Vermont – (PTSD News Service) – The Democratic National Committee called for an emergency meeting today to address the recent discovery of over 2,500 invisible chairs hidden in a back room of Bernie Sanders’ headquarters in his home state of Vermont.  “We knew he and his supporters were planning to disrupt the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia,” said DNC Chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, “but we had no idea of the extent of violence planned, as evidenced by the sheer number of invisible chairs amassed by the senator’s avid supporters who were sure to let them fly at the convention.”

“At least Donald Trump can dodge those rocks and bottles thrown at him, like George W. Bush could get out of the way of that wayward shoe,” Schultz said, “but how can you possibly defend yourself from an invisible chair heading straight for your face?”  Schultz added, “just like Nevada is a testing ground for lethal weapons at places like Area 51, we had a feeling Nevada might be the place where Sanders would launch his invisible chairs at real Democrats. We just had no idea his scheme was so far advanced.”

“We are not going to take Bernie’s invisible chairs sitting down,” said Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton, “so I am calling again for Senator Sanders to fold his invisible chairs and his campaign before anyone gets hurt and on the way out to tell Donald Trump he should suspend his campaign too, because the numbers show I have already won the presidency.”

“What is so ironic is that we were going to offer him a place at the table, but his invisible chair attack ended that,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer.

The DNC has not decided what action they might take against Sanders, although a high ranking Democratic official said Sanders’ punishment for stockpiling so many invisible chairs would be something between blocking his campaign from accessing its voter lists until after the California primary to pulling the legs out from under his campaign altogether.

A Sanders’ spokesperson denied that the senator or his followers were planning anything violent but warned that if the DNC tried to discipline Bernie, that Schultz and the rest of the DNC would be sure to “feel the chair.”