HISTORIAN SAYS OIL SPILL IS PAYBACK FOR REVOLUTIONARY WAR

by R J Shulman

OXFORD, England -(PTSD News) - British Historian Wilfred Lord Ramsay said the BP spill was no accident and was Merry Olde England's revenge toward the wayward colonies who broke away from the mother country at the end of eighteenth century. "It wasn't Dutch Shell who did this, it was British Petroleum," Ramsay said, noting that the spill is where the King's men were defeated by those crude colonists in 1815 who have practically destroyed the language and culture of Britain."

"If there are two things we Brits are known for," Ramsay said, "they are a stiff upper lip and a long memory." British Petroleum denies the spill was on purpose. "Of course, BP has denied just about everything so far, so anything is possible," said Charles W. Stinton of the EPA.

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THE BILL OF RIGHTS ACCORDING TO SARAH PALIN

by R J Shulman

WASSILA, Alaska - (PTSD News) - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained an advanced copy of Sarah Palin's presentation "My Bill of Rights" which will air on Fox next Thursday. "Once and for all," the script reads," I will put a kybosh on the false and untrue idea Tea Partiers are not experts on the reading of the Constitution and be all-knowing of our freedoms, which misinformation has been spread by those who pal around with terrorists and with whom we must train our sights on to keep America great."

Here is what she will say about the Bill of Rights:

The First Amendment - where I have the freedom to make you practice my religion, even if I have to use a gun to make you do it; the freedom of speech for me to talk about my guns anytime I want to, and the freedom of the press to cover stories about me talking about my guns, and finally the freedom to assemble with my fellow Tea Partiers with my guns fully loaded.

The Second Amendment - The holy grail - guns, guns and more guns.

The Third Amendment - Soldiers can't be housed in my house, the one that you can see Russia from so that they can't take away my guns.

The Fourth Amendment - Prevents the boot heels of the federal government from searching for or seizing my guns.

The Fifth Amendment - The freedom not to have to tesify against myself and tell big government where my guns are.

The Sixth Amendment - I have a right to an attorney to help me protect my guns and a right to confront any accuser with my guns aimed at them.

The Seventh Amendment - You have a right to a jury trial and to tell them you know where they live and that you are locked and loaded.

The Eighth Amendment - No cruel and unusual punishment against me like taking my guns.

The Ninth Amendment - Something about not getting disparaged about your guns.

The Tenth Amendment - Only the state and not the big federal government has the right to pass laws that allow me to take my guns into the bar of my choice.

Palin will propose "an Eleventh Amendment to the Bill of Rights to cover an area not already covered by the Bill of Rights and that is that no president of African-American descent who won an election because of voter fraud by Acorn and hates America because he won't wear an American flag lapel pin can take away my guns.

Palin says she has carefully researched the Constitution and, "I know this Bill of Rights stuff is correct because I carefully had it checked by Glenn Beck."

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GULF COAST THREATENED BY INVASION OF OIL; OBAMA SENDS MORE TROOPS TO ARIZONA

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Frustration is building in the Gulf Coast states as the greatest oil spill in history begins to wash ashore. "What does Arizona got that we don't got?" asked Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, "They get extra troops to protect their border and we get bupkis." Jindal is not the only governor who has expressed anger. Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi said, "I guess the the government is more concerned about wetbacks than wetlands." He later appologized for his statement, saying, "I deeply appologize for using the word "wetlands" as that is not the only part of the coast that will be ruined."

Florida Governor Charlie Crist has called on President Obama to bring the troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan to help block as much oil as possible from reaching his state's famous beaches. "I guess the thought of Muslim terrorists thousands of miles away must seem like a greater threat to the US than the biggest oil slick in history coating our shores and killing our fishing and tourist industries."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs agreed, "Our polls show most Americans are more concerned by the threat of militant Arabs and illegal Mexicans as they are of oil."

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BP'S HAYWARD'S NEXT TEN IDEAS TO STOP OIL SPILL

by R J Shulman

LONDON - (PTSD News) - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a memo from the desk of BP's Chief Executive Tony Hayward stating his plans to stop the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico at an unprecidented rate if the so-called "top kill" fails. His ten ideas are:

1. Junk shot - Stuff Al Gore down the hole - His junk science about global warming and self claims of inventing the internet should be just the combination of hi-tech and a big head we need to plug up the hole - and have you seen have you seen how fat he's gotten lately?

2. Shove all the memos to and from our lobbyists that we used to get the government to relax safety standards for off shore drilling. That's enough paper to plug up Mount St. Helens twice.

3. Fill the hole with DDT and all the other toxic petroleum based products that were outlawed that we've had to stockpile all these years. Not only will if free up our storage tanks, but it will make everyone forget how bad the oil is.

4. Plug up the news leaks instead of the oil leak as the former will ultimately be more damaging to BP.

5. Put some Glad plastic bags over the hole and hope they work as well as they do on TV.

6. Declare victory over the spill and leave, like the US did in Viet Nam in 1975.

7. Drop all those illegal aliens in the hole and solve the leak and American immigration problem at the same time.

8. Get Bill Murray to shot some golf balls at the problem so we can hear him say "it's in the hole." I loved that movie.

9. Keep coming up with ideas that have the word "kill" in it to keep up our rugged manly image.

10. Meet and exceed all safety drilling standards and then aggressively move toward alternative energy sources - wait who let Al Gore get in here and type this crap.

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ARIZONA ASKS OBAMA FOR DRONES TO ATTACK TEACHERS WITH ACCENTS

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News) - Governor Jan Brewer is actively petitioning the federal government for assistance in combatting a new illegal immigrant crisis - the threat of public school teachers who speak with accents. "They have so infiltrated our schools that we don't have enough state resources to rid the classroom of these dangerous persons," Brewer said. "It's bad enough our babies have to hear these accents from their nannies, but coming from their teachers, no way Jose."

The new unmanned preditor drones, recently tested over Area 51 in Nevada can detect a bad accent like a heat seeking missile reacts to temperature. "If we get these drones, the next time a teacher says, 'how's your seester' instead of 'sister,' blam! she'll be blown back to her dios," said Randall Simp of the Arizona Minutemen who have volunteered to patrol the border with Mexico.

The new initiative, called "Take Out Los Teachers," targets public school instructors, K through 12th grade who have Spanish accents. "There may be some collateral damage, for example if an American teacher's aide is standing next to one of those people or a drone may mistakenly take out some stoner who is listening to a Cheech and Chong record, but that's acceptable collateral damage in time of war," said Senator John McCain, "I'd like to say more, but I need to make sure my maid, Consuela, has properly cleaned my 7, 8 or however many houses I own."

Bill O'Reilly supports the Arizona plan saying on Fox, "Maybe now we can get the liberals who run this country to shift their focus from the War on Christmas to the real enemy - the war on accents."

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CONSERVATIVES OUTRAGED OVER VERMONT'S VOTE TO CHANGE SCHOOL TEXTBOOKS

by R J Shulman


MONTPELIER, Vermont - (PTSD News) - Conservatives across the country are angry over the proposed changes made by the Vermont Board of Education to change their public school textbooks. By a vote of 7 to 2 along party lines, the Board voted to make changes to balance out traditional texts that favor a white Christian majority bias on history perpetuated by the current mass media.


"We have to counter Glenn Beck's fascist chalk board," said Constance Wheeler a member of the Vermont Board of Education, "so we want to make sure our young people get the truth even if it is not always flattering to America or America's traditial majority."


Some of the controversial changes propsed by the Vermont Board for their school books include that Columbus didn't discover America as there were native peoples already living there, that the civil war was in fact fought over the legality of slavery and not just about some Yankees invading the south to steal plantation owner's property, that the race for employers to find the lowest wages possible is not a mission from God, and most controversial of all that Ronald Reagan raised taxes a number of times.


These changes meet with violent opposition from conservative leaders in Texas where their state board of education recently voted to replace Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. with Sarah Palin as the person in the last hundred years who most positively influenced America. "Our changes are about telling the truth about Communists like FDR, JFK, Walter Cronkite and the teletubbies, and make sure we include stories of real patriots like Sen. Joe McCarthy, George W. Bush and Joe the Plumber," said Terri Leo of the Texas Board. "The left has made such a dirty word out of 'capitalism' by saying things like 'capitalist pig' that in our text books we changed the word 'capitalism' to 'free market systems.'"


"It just like a free market pig such as Terri Leo to make such stupid comments," Wheeler shot back. Wheeler said Vermont is refusing to adopt the new Texas science text books which have all been reduced to one page saying, "For science, consult the Bible."

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ALABAMA TEA PARTY WANTS ROSA PARKS' BUS DRIVER HONORED

by R J Shlman

MONTGOMERY, Alabama - (PTSD News) - Winfred Boseman, leader of the Alabama Tea Party announced his organization will support legislation to honor James F. Blake, the bus driver who told Rosa Parks on December 1, 1955 to move to the back of the bus. "It's only fair after all these years of honoring one side of this incident, that we honor the other party," Boseman said, "After all, it was Parks who broke the law while Mr. Blake was valiantly trying to uphold it."

"I am in agreement with the wonderful patriots of the Alabama Tea Party's stance on this position of the issue," said Sarah Palin on Fox, "because we must honor those who don't break the law like the brave minute men on the border who shoot the illegal Mexicans who, like Rosa Parks are breaking the law by illegally invading the border to get to the other side like those chickens who cross the road without looking both ways."

Not all Tea Party supporters supporers completely agreed with this position. Rand Paul, newly elected Republican Senate candidate from Kentucky said, "Since it was a city bus, I don't think they should have discriminated against Rosa Parks, but if it was a private company they would have the right to tell Ms. Parks where to sit, even if it was under the bus."

Boseman said his party was planning to honor the first white person to be president of the United States after Obama, "now that Acorn is gone and can't throw the election to a minority." Boseman vehemently denied his Tea Party is racist. "If Obama and Parks had not chosen to live the black lifestyle, we wouldn't need to even have this conversation."

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BP TO SHOVE OLD MEMOS DOWN PIPE TO STOP OIL LEAK

by R J Shulman

VENICE, Louisiana - (PTSD News) - Raymond J. Lucy, a spokesperson for British Petroleum said today that the latest plan to stop the oil spill in the gulf is to plug up the hole with massive amounts of paper. "There are tons of internal company memos of BP's policies regarding the financial need to eliminate shut-off valves and other saftety features as well as communications with Dick Cheney when he was vice president about shaping the American energy policy," Lucy said, "We don't need these anymore so shoving them in the hole in the bottom of the ocean is like killing two birds with one stone."

Lucy later told reporters that the only thing he regrets about the whole matter is that he used the dead bird analogy. "I should have been more careful with my choice of words," Lucy said, "because a bit of bad publicity can cause a company go belly up."

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DRILL BABY DRILL GROUP SEEKS NEW PR FIRM

by R. J. Shulman

HOUSTON - (PTSD News) - Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, spokesperson for the Drill Baby Drill Foundation, says the group is seeking a new public relations firm in the wake of the massive oil spill in the Gulf. "We are very disappointed in the slow reaction of our current firm, Glastone and McGreevy to counteract the massive anti-drilling campaign launched by environmentalists. Gladstone completey failed to point out the real issue to be upset about is that good oil is being lost at sea."

"We can't let Al Gore and the tree huggers continue to control the media," said Sarah Palin, addressing a special meeting of Drill Baby Drill, "when we should be getting coverage of the brave men of BP who are trying so valiantly to save some of the leaking oil as well as getting news reports on how we need to drill like crazy to make up for the crude that was lost."

Drill Baby Drill said several firms have express interest in taking up their cause, including Bosch and Lehr, who have been responsible for the successful "Shoot a Mexican, save an American Job" campaing for the state of Arizona regarding their new immigration law.

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NEW LAW BEGINS "ARIZONA INQUISITION"

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News) - Hot on the heels of tough new immigration and anti-Chicano studies - English only laws, Arizona has another new law, the Question and Protection Act, more commonly known as the Arizona Inquisition. The new law requires law enforcement officials to question anyone they believe is not a patriotic Arizonan, including using enhanced interrogation techniques to get suspects to admit they are in the country illegally and will be suject to harsh punisment unless they renouce everything Latino and convert to a pure English speaking American.

"Since the federal government has failed to protect us from foreigners, the new law will help our state get rid of these undesirables," said Governor Jan Brewer who signed the measure into law.

"This bill sets us back about five-hundred years," said Abe Nissenbaum of the Arizona ACLU, "it makes Arizona the bigot state from A to Z."

However, recent polls show that a majority of Arizona voters favor the new law. "We finally will have the opportunity to send home hispanics and Indians who have no business in our state," said Art O'Brien (R-Benson), a supporter of the bill. "With our new shoot first and question later policy," O'Brien said, "we be able to go to McDonalds and have the server understand what the heck we are ordering."

The bill also calls for the restoration of an old Arizona tradition for enhanced law enforcement, the hanging judge.

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FOX NEWS HIRES EX-FEMA CHIEF MICHAEL BROWN AS DISASTER EXPERT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox News announced that they will hire former Bush FEMA chief Michael Brown as their new expert on natural disasters. Brown recently appeared on Fox criticizing the Obama administration for its response to the massive oil spill off the coast of Louisiana as nothing more than a way to shove his agenda of ending oill drilling down America's throats.

"Browine was doing such a heck of a job on that report that we're hiring him on a permanent basis," said Fox News President Roger Ailes. Ailes said Brown is preparing a new report on how the Obama administration is trying to use the accident at the Upper Big Branch Mine in Montcoal, West Virginia to shove his agenda of shutting down coal mines down America's throats.

"I'm also working on a report to show how Obama will use the bomb plot in Times Square," said Michael Brown between bites of shoving down his throat a juicy New York steak at Benjamin Steakhouse in Manhattan, "to shove his political agenda of redistributing the wealth from white Repbulican Christians to black welfare Muslims down America's throats."

"We are so pleased to have Brownie," Ailes said, "because who else would know better about disasters?" Brown joins Sarah Plain and Joe "the plumber" as the newest Fox experts.

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TEA PARTY:WE KNEW TIMES SQ. BOMBER WAS NOT ONE OF US

by R J Shulman

DALLAS - (PTSD News) - Tea Party members as well as other prominant conservatives say they were not concerned the failed New York bomber was going to be one of their own. "Once we learned the facts of the case," said Harlan Ashworth, a Dallas Tea Party leader, "we knew it couldn't be one of our boys."

"We hate the government and especially New York liberals," Ashworth said, "but here is why it wasn't no good old boy who done it. First, we'd use an American truck like a Dodge, Ford or Chevy, not some wimply Nissan. Second, no self-respecting country boy would be stupid enough to use that wrong, non-exploding fertilizer. Third, what Second Amendment loving Conservative would have left perfectly good gun lockers to be blown up in a vehicle, and finally, we would use a vehicle with licnese plate from a real American state like Oklahoma, Tennessee, or Texas. With those Connecticut plates that joker used, somebody might think Martha Steward was trying to blow up a mismatched place setting."

Authorities are holding Faisil Shahzad, an American citizen of Pakistani origin who has admitted to leaving the explosive laden vehicle near Times Square.

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BP: LIBERAL MEDIA IS MISSING ALL OUR WELLS THAT AREN'T SPILLING

by R J Shulman

VENICE, Louisiana - (PTSD News) - British Petroleum, owner of the well that has been spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico since April 20th is striking back at the media claiming the major news networks are deliberatley distorting the facts to hurt the company's image. "We have over 1137 off shore wells working wonderfully, but you only hear about the one that has sprung a little leak," said Warren Steiger, a BP spokesman, "how fair and balanced is that?"

"Where is the media to report this oil rig explosion is clearly the work of Al Qaeda trying to disrupt our economic system," said Axel Blortman of Halliburton, the company that was working on the oil rigs hours before it blew up and sank. "I told them this would happen," said former Vice President Dick Cheney, "that if Americans voted for Democrats, we would be hit again by terrorists and hit hard."

While not ruling out Al Qaeda, the National Petroleum Institute said the destruction of the oil rig had all the earmarks of Seattle anarchists. "We found a Starbuck's styrofoam cup about 65 miles south of the explosion," said the Institutes president Carl West.

"Look at who has something to gain by this incident and you will know who caused it," said Rush Limbaugh, "so there is no doubt the wind and solar energy cartel did this to redistribute the wealth from oil companies who earned their money to wind wimps, solar loafers and welfare mothers."

Sarah Palin said, "this explosive espionage which blew up the drilling that was going on in the Gulf divides the country into three halves, those that cry for a few useless birds that get some oil on them and those that understand the tragedy here is the loss of good oil. So you betcha, what I have to say to all the duck huggers with their Dawn detergent tyring ot clean off the oil off of animals is that before you point blaming fingers, did you ever try to run your car using water instead of oil"

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GOP FAVORS SMALLER GOVERNMENT UNLESS THEY WIN MIDTERM ELECTIONS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republicans announced they will run on a platform of limiting the size and power of government, unless they win in the upcoming November elections. "Republicans will prove they are the party in touch with the American people who have made it clear they want smaller government by making limited government the cornerstone of our fall campaign," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "unless of course Republicans win control of the House and the Senate in which case, we will show that there are good things government can do."

The Republican smaller, less intrusive government platform will include:

1. Getting government meddling out of the corparate boardroom and into the private bedroom to make sure homosexuals do not ruin traditional marriage.

2. Getting government tyranny out of the wallets of coprorate CEOs and into the wallets of brown skinned people to see if they have proper papers to be in the United States.

3. Keeping Goverment hands off guns but firmly on girls who may have the audacity of wanting to make their own decisions regarding their reproductive choices.

4. Keeping government hands off of health care unless its to prohibit people from suing doctors and health care insurance companies.

"We are also in favor of term limits, for anyone who is not a Repblican," McConnell said. "We consider it our job to get the message across to the American voter that it is simple common sense to vote into government the candidates who hate government the most."

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