BP'S HAYWARD'S NEXT TEN IDEAS TO STOP OIL SPILL

by R J Shulman

LONDON - (PTSD News) - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a memo from the desk of BP's Chief Executive Tony Hayward stating his plans to stop the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico at an unprecidented rate if the so-called "top kill" fails. His ten ideas are:

1. Junk shot - Stuff Al Gore down the hole - His junk science about global warming and self claims of inventing the internet should be just the combination of hi-tech and a big head we need to plug up the hole - and have you seen have you seen how fat he's gotten lately?

2. Shove all the memos to and from our lobbyists that we used to get the government to relax safety standards for off shore drilling. That's enough paper to plug up Mount St. Helens twice.

3. Fill the hole with DDT and all the other toxic petroleum based products that were outlawed that we've had to stockpile all these years. Not only will if free up our storage tanks, but it will make everyone forget how bad the oil is.

4. Plug up the news leaks instead of the oil leak as the former will ultimately be more damaging to BP.

5. Put some Glad plastic bags over the hole and hope they work as well as they do on TV.

6. Declare victory over the spill and leave, like the US did in Viet Nam in 1975.

7. Drop all those illegal aliens in the hole and solve the leak and American immigration problem at the same time.

8. Get Bill Murray to shot some golf balls at the problem so we can hear him say "it's in the hole." I loved that movie.

9. Keep coming up with ideas that have the word "kill" in it to keep up our rugged manly image.

10. Meet and exceed all safety drilling standards and then aggressively move toward alternative energy sources - wait who let Al Gore get in here and type this crap.

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