GOV JINDAL LEAVES STATES' RIGHTS MEETING TO ASK OBAMA FOR HELP WITH OIL SPILL

by R J Shulman

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana - (PTSD News) - Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal abruptly departed from a meeting with Tea Party supporters and other activists who were discussing ways to limit the federal government, when he learned the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was far worse that originally thought. "I appologize for having to leave before I spoke about the dangers of big government," Jindal said, "but I needed to ask President Obama for help to try and divert this oil spill from damaging our coast."

The massive oil leak is the result of the explosion that destroyed and sank an oil rig on Earth Day. Eleven workers are still missing as the spill, which is already one of the worst disasters of its type is threatening the Gulf Coast from Alabama to Florida.

Sarah Palin weighed in on the crisis by saying the way to avoid these kind of oil disasters is to lower taxes and open up more areas for drilling. "We need more wells out there for the drilling, you betcha," Palin said, "so if some of them blow up which is unintended and can't be blamed for a lawsuit against the oil companies we would have a back-up of other wells to fill in the gap of losing a rig."

Some are already pointing fingers even before the oil has hit land. "Obama deliberately caused this explosion to distract us from his death panels and plans to redistribute the wealth from white people to shiftless welfare mothers," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. TV evangelist Pat Robertson had a different take. "There is no doubt that this spill was caused by the homosexual agenda," Robertson told his viewers, "everyone knows you can't have an open flame near an oil rig and when it comes to flaming, everyone knows gays take the cake."

"At least I had nothing to do with this one," said Captian Joseph Hazelwood who piloted the Exxon Valdez into a reef, causing a massing spill in 1989 which still affects part of the Alaskan pipeline.

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MINNESOTA PASSES SWEEPING IMMIGRATION LAW

by R J Shulman

ST. PAUL, Minnesota - (PTSD News) - Following the lead of Arizona, another border state, Minnesota has passed a no-nonsense immigration law to stem the tide of illegal immigrants into their state. The new law requires all local and state police to aggressively detain and question anyone they have reasonable suspicion may be in the United States illegally.

"Since the federal government has done nothing to protect our borders, we had to do something ourselves," said Sloan Larson (R-Hibbing), "to stop the great northern hoarde from overwhelming our state." "The longest border in the world is between America and Canada, 8891 miles, with 547 of them here in Minnesota with more holes in it than in O J Simpson's alibi," said Fig Olafsson, head of a militia group from International Falls.

As a guide to local and state police as to what constitutes reasonable suspicion someone has crossed the border illegally, lawmakers suggest that authorities look for:

1. People who hang around too many hockey games

2. A person who uses too much maple syrup

3. Someone who supports socialized medicine

4. Hearing a person say "a-boot" instead of "a-bowt"

"This law is an unacceptable unconstitutional excuse for racial profiling of pale, untanned persons," said Harry F. Cohen, an attorney with the Minnesota ACLU, "this law will disprove the old addage that you can never be too white."

Arnold Gibaud, a spokeman in Governor Tim Pawlenty's office said, "we are going to have to build a fence between the two nations, eh?" right before he was fired under reasonable suspicion of being a illegal Canadian.

Other states may follow, with Oklahoma passing a bill allowing police to arrest anyone they reasonably believe is gay, while South Carolina's law will detain anyone suspected of talking too fast and thus, being from north of the Mason Dixon line.

"Wow," said Groovy Van Ronk, a hippie who has been living in his '63 VW bus in St. Cloud, Minnesota for over forty years, "it used to be when some dude would ask to see your papers, he wanted to roll a joint. Now, it will be because they want to kick you out of the joint."

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POULTRY PROTEST GOP HOPEFUL'S CHICKENIZED MEDICINE PLAN

by R J Shulman

TYSON, Arkansas - (PTSD News) - Chickens across the country are up in arm or wings, over the comment made by Sue Lowden, who hopes to unseat Sentate Majority Leader Harry Reid this November. Lowden said trading a chicken for medical services was a legitimate solution to the health care problem.

"What a dumb cluck that Lowden is," said Henrietta Peck, a two-year old Rhode Island Red, "Like most Repbulicans, she has no legitimate ideas on health care so she wants to pass the buck, buck, buck, buck, buck to us chickens." Crowley Beakman, a rooster, who presides over a farm in Tyson, Arkansas said, "If a chicken costs about three dollars and a breast implant costs about $3,500 dollars, Lowden's plans will make boobs of us all." "Lowden's plan is not only poorly hatched, it is nothing short of murder most fowl," said Chick Little, who is leading a poultry protest in Booneville, Iowa.

Lowden, who so far is number one in the pecking order to win the Republican nomination to run for the Senate, has not backed down from her comment, dispite the ridicule she has received. In fact, she has hinted that she will make this proposal the cornerstone of her campaign. "This strategy is clearly a mistake," said Winton Barley, a political analyst, "as it is dangerous to put all of your eggs in one basket." Lowden disagreed saying that come election day, she will be the one crowing about her victory.

A spokesman for Reid said it might be wise for Lowden to "shut her beak because it's not sound policy to count your chickens before they are hatched. Harry Reid said he will stand on his record of passing health care reform and said Sue Lowden, "is playing chicken with our health care crisis."

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GOP LOBBIES TO CHANGE EARTH DAY TO OIL DAY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Top Republican leaders will introduce a bill in Congress to change Earth Day to Oil Day. "The environmental wackos have had this day long enough," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "so for the next forty years, its only fair that April 22nd will celebrate Petroleum."

"Just try to heat your car or drive your house down the highway on earth instead of oil," said Sarah Palin, "So it's drill, baby, drill when it comes to taking aim on policy holes in Earth Day's unfair strangle hold on the calendar, you bethca."

Former Vice President Dick Cheney weighed in on the issue saying, "Democrats have unfairly smeared our great patriotic oil companies like Dutch Shell or British Petroleum with lies about global warming." Cheney recently emerged from his bunker because he said, "it's getting hotter than hell down there."

"The reason all of our jobs are going overseas is the environazis have forced companies here to follow punitive laws," Rush Limbaugh said. "We have fallen behind China because they understand you're more profitable when you don't have to worry about overrated things such as clean water and clean air."

The big oil companies were quick to welcome the new legislation. "We think this is a clear signal environmentalists will go the way of the dodo bird," said Richard C. Worth of Exxon, "especially after we defeat the environmental terrorists in the next election by pouring so much money to their opponents' coffers that it will seem like the Exxon Valdez hit another reef."

"The first planned act of the new Oil Day will be to start drilling in Harry Reid's back yard and I don't mean somewhere near him in Nevada. I mean his actual back yard," said Michele Bachmann. "And where is mainstream media when they need to report that the oil rig that was on fire in the Gulf of Mexico sank on Earth Day which is no accident but a deliberate act by the comumusloenvironazis plotting to scare the government into giving them study grants."

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IN LIGHT OF NEW GUN AND IMMIGRATION LAWS, ARIZONA TO CHANGE STATE MOTTO
by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News) - The Arizona legislature has been very busy passing landmark legislation for lenient gun laws and tough immigration laws. While you no longer need a permit to carry a concealed weapon, you do need to remember to bring proof of your citizenship, if any police authority thinks you might be in the country illegally (don't worry, Canadians or Brits who are here illegally, you probably won't be profiled). In addition, a new law will require anyone running for president of the United States to show proof they were born in America (or the Panama Canal Zone). The purpose of this law is to stop anyone from, and we will use a random example, of being born in Kenya and trying to set up a regime take over the White House and turn white people into slaves.

Due to these massive changes, the Arizona legislature has taken on one more task - changing the outmoded State motto from "Grand Canyon State" to something more in tune with Modern Arizona Thinking. Therefore, in the tradition of not having government dictate the new logo, Arizonans or "Zoners" as they like to call themselves, will chose a new motto on election day from the following list:

1. Where the Wild West Meets the Biggoted South


2. The Hate State


3. Be Real - Conceal State


4. Where Intelligent Design Gets Disproved Everyday


5. Where it's Legal to Shoot Illegals


6. The Show Me - Your Papers State


7. The You Ain't From Here, Boy, Now Are You State





Governor Jan Brewer is expected to sign the bill to change the state motto. "Why be known as the state with the big hole in the ground," Brewer said, "when you can be known as the state with the big hole in it's head."


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FOX NEWS: VOLCANIC ASH DISRUPTON CAUSED BY ICELAND'S SOCIALIZED MEDICINE

by R J Shulman

REYKJAVIK, Iceland - (PTSD News) - Fox News is reporting today they have indisputable evidence the eruption of Eyjafjallajokull was caused by Iceland's system of socialized medicine. "This destructive volcanic explosion was inevitable when you allow government bureaucrats to get between a volcano and its doctor," said Fox News analyst Teresa Coughlin. "It's no mystery that volcano erupted like Jessica Simpson's pimples."

Coughlin said "thanks to the new ObamaVolcanoCare that's been shoved down the throats of 98% of the American public that didn't want it, America's once best in the world Vocano health care system will start to see Volcano restraint rationing, which will lead to more eruptions. I only hope the next American blow-up with spew ash all over Canadian skies to serve them right for their socialized medicine."

Not everyone is convinced European style health care is the cause of the massive eruption of ash that disrupted air travel for days. "I have it on higher authority this catastrophe has been caused by gays," said T-Vangelist Pat Robertson, "When those nubile young male bodies twist, squirm and writhe to the relentless pulsating and pounding, pounding of the homosexual agenda, its no wonder there was a major eruption."

Vince Clewiston of Earth Now disagreed, saying, "This is a wake up call that all of us must work together on the climate change issue before Mother Earth makes ashes of us all."

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GOP'S SLICK NEW ELECTION CAMPAIGN: BLACK BAAAD, WHITE GOOOD

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican stategist Frank Luntz laid out the new GOP strategy today to, in his words, take back the country and restore it to the glory years of Reagan and George W. Bush. "Today's American voter has no time to digest lengthly political discussions," said Luntz, "especially with having to look for a job or a second or third job needed to pay bloated mortgages or excessive credit card fees. Therefore, to make it simple, we've cut through all the rhetoric to give the voter all they need to know, if the president is black, its bad, and if he's white, it's good."

Luntz stated that most Americans believe they can rest easy at night, feeling they're living in a safe, free country if there is a white man in the White House. "I am thrilled that liberals, progressives, and Communits that make up the Democrat Party continue to make the mistake of relying on facts, truth and reason," Luntz said.

Luntz claims his strategy has already passed its first test. "Look at how easily the Tea Partiers have been mobilized by the picture of a black man painted like the Joker from the Batman movies with the word socialist witten at the bottom. Forget anything Obama does or will do, black baaad, white goood," Luntz said. "The day of PC meaning anything other than a personal computer, is over."

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GINGRICH UNVEILS NEW CONTRACT FOR AMERICA

by R J Shulman

CONFEDERATE CITY, Georgia - (PTSD News) Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has annoucned a new "Contract for America for the Twenty First Century," in Waycross, Georgia at a ceremony that renamed the town, Confederate City. "We know that the greatest threat to our country is President Obama himself and his failure to include any ideas but his own," Gingrich told a cheering crowd, "so I'm introducing ten ideas Obama must adopt to establish any possiblity of bipartisanship."

The "contract" unvelied by Gingrich includes:

1. Repeal the health care bill and get government hands off of Medicare once and for all.

2. Change Martin Luther King day to General Stonewall Jackson day, to celebrate someone who at least fought bravely for what he beleived in.

3. Replace FDR on the dime with George W. Bush, who really made Americans appreciate their last thin dime.

4. Declare the theory of evolution dead, and appoint Sarah Palin as the new Cabinet Secretary of Intelligent Design

5. Replace Thomas Jefferson with Ronald Regan as a founding father as while Jefferson had slaves, he was a obviously a Communist who did not beleive in the American trickle down theory

6. Privatize Social Security to get ineffecient government out of people's retirement accounts and give them to the experts in Wall Street who know how to do what they do best.

7. Declare the Democrat Party illegal.

8. Pay reparations to the descendants of slave holders for the loss they suffered when their slaves were stripped from them without due process and compensation

9. Obama must admit he is a foreign born Muslim anti-Christ communist Nazi Soviet Spy who wants to destroy the free enterprise system and redestribute the wealth from Christians who would be hard working if they could find a job, and give their wealth to welfare mothers.

10. Obama must reinstate slavery and declare himself a slave of Senate Minorty Leader Mitch McConnell.

At first Gingrich wanted to replace the first Ten Amendment of the constitution with the Ten Commandments, but changed his mind when it was pointed out to him that he was well on his way to violating all of them.

"Only the adoption of all ten of these reasonable and much needed pro-life, pro-American, pro-baby Jesus principals by Obama can save American from a fate worse than George Wallace would have gotten if he got stuck on 125th Street in Harlem on a hot day trying to protect a box of nooses."

President Obama said he would review this new Contract with America, however, Rush Limbaugh said even if Obama agrees to all these points, he would still want him to fail.

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NEW BOOK: TEA PARTY MEMBERS EITHER IGNORANT, RACIST OR IGNORANT RACISTS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - In a new book entitled Tea Party for Dummies released this Friday, author Kingsly Beamis hypothesizes that Tea Party members who protest the role of the federal government are either bigots or have an unprecidented lack of knowledge of the very political issues, such as taxes, the Constitution and welfare that have moved them to take to the streets.

Beamis writes, "Here you have a white man, George W. Bush who while president turned a record suprlus into the greatest defeicit in the history of the world, stripped away essential Constitutional rights with the hastily passed Patriot Act, oversaw the massive redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the richest one percent, created a welfare state for non-citizen corporations, socialized the losses of their friends at Goldman Sachs and supported greedy health insurance company CEOs who come between Americans and their docors. On the other hand, you have a black man, Barack Obama who in a little over a year in office cut taxes to the middle class, has not further eroded anyone's Constitutional rights, is trying to wind down spending on Bush's wars, passed health care reform that limits the ability of greedy CEO's getting between a patient and their doctor while lowering the federal deficit according to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office. Yet Tea Partiers were silent, if not supportive of Bush, yet couldn't wait to activley protest Obama like he was the anti-christ (actually 24% of the TPers believe that). Therefore, the only conclusion you can draw is TPers are either upset because a black man is in the white house or act on such a lack of facts that they have turned ignorance to an art form. Of course, they could just be ignorant racists."

Beamis is the author of several best sellers including, The Idiots Guide to Dummies, Idiocy for Dummies, Fox News for Dummies, The Idiots at Fox News, The Dummies Guide to Idiots, The Dumming Down of America, The Dumming Down of Idiots, The Dumming Down of Dummies and Palinology: How a Dinosaur Almost Turned America into a Fossil.

Beamis is currently working on Plumb and Plumber: How Joe the Plumber and other Right Wing Icons Have Made Intelligence an Endangered Species.

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TEA PARTY ON TAX DAY: KEEP YOUR GOVERNMENT HANDS OFF MY INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The Tea Party rally in Washington brought a raucous crowd to protest the role of the federal government. "I traveled all the way from Michigan on my interstate highways to protest the government trying to take over our roads," said Mitch Schwineherd of Traverse City. "We must stop the government from interfering with Medicare, the post office and the National Guard."

"I'm protesting that Obama is trying to socialize social security," said Flo Wigmore who traveled all the way from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, "besides I wanted to show off my sign showing Obama dressed up as that Communist FDR all in an old hat and wheelchair." "How can America sit by while this Muslim in the White House gets his death panels ready for Christian babies," said Doug Bollander of Weehawken, New Jersey, "so we have to wake up America before he gives all our nuclear weapons to the Soviet Union."

Tea Party darling Sarah Palin, spoke to a cheering crown in Boston saying "I can't wait 'till all you kind people vote me into the government I hate so much so when I cross the mighty Mississippi from Virgina to DC, I can unsocialze the government by throwing welfare mothers out in the street and take away their health care before they can pal around with any more terrorists." Palin said, "Watch out Harry Reid. I hear there's oil under your house and I can't wait to start drilling."

The socialist liberals are trying to impede progress," said Goober Hillschlager, an unemployed typwriter repairman from Anderson, Indiana who was dressed as a Revolutionary War soldier complete with ancient musket.

"It is quite astounding how devoid of facts these Tea Partiers are," said Tanya Welles, a Harvard history professor, "these low information protestors, or LIPS as I call them have been brainwashed by the very people who have been destroying the middle class and steeling their money," Welles said, "and I am afraid that the old saying is true that these loose LIPS will sink this American ship."

Walter Hines, an art student from Madison, Wisconsin said he joined the Tea Party rally to see what they stood for. "Frankly, I never thought I would say this," Hines said, "but these people make George W. Bush seem like Albert Einstein.

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SOUTH CAROLINA DECLARES OBAMA IS ONLY 3/5 OF A PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina - (PTSD News) - Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina singed a bill into law today that defines President Obama as only three-fifths of a President. "We need to protect the Constitution, which in Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 clearly indicates Barak Obama can only be three-fifths of a person and therefore it follows that he can only be three-fifths of a president."

"That leaves America needing two-fifths of a president," said Representative Warren Grandville (R-Cayce), "and that other 40 percent of a president will obviously be the runner up, Sarah Palin, who should be the whole person president if Acorn hadn't stolen the election."

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said that as two-fifths of a president, she would be incharge of drilling for oil, keeping up nuclear weapons, teaching kids abstenance only, all of which would leave "the rest of the time for Obama to spend palling around with terrorists." Palin added she would feel right at home being a partial president as she could quit two-fifths of the way into her term.

The three-fifths of a president idea will be brought up in the US Senate by Joe Lieberman (I-Conn), "Just like Roger Sherman proposed the Connecticut compromise in 1787 that led to the agreement making slaves count at three-fifths of a person," Lieberman said, "I will propose this as a modern day Connecticut compromise."

Leaders of various Tea Parties all over the country said they might go along with this new compromise as long as it didn't mean they would only be able to have three-fifths of their guns or hate gays only three-fifths as much as they do now.

Critics of the proposed three-fifths compromise call the bill a great leap backward. However, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich defended the bill. "This should put to rest the lie that Repbulicans are the party of no," Gingrich told a group of cheering Tea Partiers in Valdosta, Georgia, "as this strict constructionist bill we support shows the GOP is once again the party of ideas."

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WVA PROSECUTOR: AS "PERSON," MASSEY ENERGY CORP SHOULD GET DEATH PENALTY

by R J Shulman

MONTCOAL, West Virginia - (PTSD News) - West Virginia prosecutor Socrates Weatherburn is known for two things, his strange name and for not quitting before he believes justice has been served. Weatherburn has successfully prosecuted energy companies for injuring workers and for damaging West Virginia's environment. Now he has a new target, Massey Energy Corporation, those he believes are responsible for the coal mining distater that has left at least 25 miners dead, many injured and four missing.

"If corporations have been declared people by the Supreme Court, in the Citizens United case," said Weatherburn, "then they should be able to get the death penalty for mass murder, just as if a person killed 25 others." West Virginia last execution was in 1989, when a 41-year old Ray Lee Gobble was put to death after being convicted of murder after a drinking spree in which he drank an entire vat of home made whiskey, mistook his cousin Pooker for a "herd of possum" and shot him 17 times." Weatherburn said executing a corporation would be cheaper and less messy than executing a person. "With a corporation to be terminated, all we'd have to do is travel to Delaware and pull it's charter," Weatherburn said.

"Massey knew of its unsafe working conditions and with reckless abandon and intent to violate basic safety laws deliberately subjected workers to conditions that were not only forseeable to cause great bodily harm, but were guaranteed to do so," Weatherburn told reporters in Beckley, West Virginia.

Massey CEO Don Blankenship said, "Weatherburn is a grandstanding Obamanista liberal terrorist who hates the free enterprise system so much he will twist the law to try and separate us from our profits. I can tell you that we at Massey are prepared to spend an unlimited amount to defeat Weatherburn in November. "However," Blankenship said, "our board of directors may decide its better for the bottom line to use free speech, about 10,000 pieces of it up front and 10,000 more when our operator calls and tell us the job regarding Weatherburn has been done."

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GOV APOLOGIZES FOR NOT MENTIONING SLAVERY:"SOME VALUABLE PROPERTY WAS LOST THERE"

by R J Shulman

RICHMOND, Virginia - (PTSD News) - Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell apologized Wednesday for leaving out references to slavery in his recent proclamation designating April as Confederate History Month. "The failure to include any reference to slavery was a mistake," McDonnell said, "Virginians lost some serious property when their slaves were stripped away from them by northern communists and I am sorry if my omission of this offended some descendants of slave owners."

However, the Governor's apology was generally rejected, especially by fellow Repbulicans. "The governor's statement didn't go far enough," said Karl Kylie Kling (R-Christiansburg), "He needed to change Confederate History Month to White History Month because if those uppity folks can call a spade a spade and claim February as Black History Month, we should be able to call a hood a hood and get a month of our own."

Inspired by Governor McDonnell's recent proclamation, a group of Germn Neo Nazis called the Deutschland Wird Wieder Steigen, or Germany Will Rise Again have petitioned German Chancellor Angela Merkel to proclaim April Third Reich History Month. "It makes sense as April is the Fuhrer's birthday month," said DWWS leader Gunter Schnuntzelmann, "We'll asked the Chancellor to make sure she doesn't mention the Holocaust."

"Governor McDonnell's decision to glorify a terrible time in history and leave out the horrors perpetrated on others of that time is really not a new trend," said Harvard history professor Birch Covingsly, "After all, we have been doing that for years with the way we celebrate Thanksgiving."

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OBAMA THROWS OUT FIRST PITCH IN NATIONALS HOME OPENER; GOP CRIES FOUL

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Barack Obama continued a century old tradition of the chief executive throwing the first ceremonial pitch of the baseball season when the tossed to home plate at the Washington Nationals home opener against the Philidelphia Phillies. What was new to the tradition was the immediate and fierce criticism leveled at the president.

"It's no surprise Obama is a lefty," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "because its only natural a Kenya born Black Panther Muslim Athiest Communist Nazi would be a southpaw." "Obama's throw was high and outside," said Arizona Senator Jon Kyl, "symbolic of how he is always high on his own ego and outside the mainstream."

"It's time to pull the pitcher," said Glenn Beck, "before he turns the great American pastime into a Soviet Gulag nightmare." House Minority Leader John Boehner said, "Obama's pitching for health care reform was such a disaster, it proved that he's way out of his league," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Where are the Negro leagues when you need them," said Rush Limbuagh.

Fox News chose not to cover Obama throwing out the first pitch, but broadcast a rerun of George W. Bush throwing the first pitch in 2008. The old footage contained comments from Brit Hume saying Bush was a president "who will leave team America a winner with a huge surplus, clear victories in two wars and the best health care system in the world for the lucky man who will inherit the masterpiece left to them by George W. Bush.

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POPE'S MESSAGE IGNORES "PETTY GOSSIP" REGARDING NAZI ATROCITIES

by R J Shulman

VATICAN CITY - (PTSD News) - Easter Mass came and went without Pope Benedict XVI addressing the issues regarding alleged wrongdoings by the Catholic Church. Even so, the successor to the St. Peter received glowing praise from Cardinal Angelo Sodano, dean of the College of Cardinals, lauding the pontiff for great spiritual leadership and praising him for his staunch refusal to be swayed by gossip regarding his role in protecting pedophile priests and rumors of his participation in the Nazi Youth.

"Saying the German National Socialist Party did anything horrible is nothing more than a smear campaign against the Pope because of any possible affiliation he had with the Nazi party in the 1930's," Sodano said, "and these are the same Vatican haters who claim the Church tortured people during the Spanish Inquisition." Soldano said this was all part of "the vile smear campaign perpitrated by the anti-Catholic media who want to weaken the moral authority of the Pope with these lies and false stories of pedophile priests."

"Pope Benedict XVI is infallible in his decision to ignore these viscious and unfair attacks," said William Donohue, President of the Catholic League, "Even if the Catholic Church had tortured poeple, and I am not saying that they ever have, such inhanced interrogation has produced irrefutable evidence that all of the problems of torture, Nazi sympathisizing, and protection of pedophile priests were caused by a few disgruntled and renegade homosexuals."

The Pope who has for the most part remained silent on allegations against the Church, issued a statement that those who make such charges against the Vatican should beware as he "knows where they live and whether they have any relatives in the old country."

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FUTURE OF GOP NOT RON PAUL, BUT RUPAUL

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Top Republican strategist Dean Ray Blount believes the only way to heal the rift in the GOP is to embrace a leader who can appeal to the inner Republican. "While there has been a bit of a groundswell for Ron Paul because of his belief in a small federal government," said Blount, "the true repressed inner conservative would really relate more to RuPaul's kinky sexual freedom."

"When you look at all the Republican sex scandals like Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Republicans visiting lesbian simulated sex clubs, and listing a kinky sex line phone number on their fund raising flyers," said Blount, "it's obvious Republicans are so repressed that if they ever let loose they would make all those girls gone wild tapes look like a Sunday school outing."

Blount said the signs were obvious, saying, "Do you really think Karl Rove's marriage to a woman had a chance to last, or that it was just a coincidence that George W. Bush used the word 'fabulous' more than Liberace did?"

House minority leader John Boehner strongly disagreed. "Mr. Blount has me so angry, I could slap him silly," Boehner said. "Everybody knows Republicans are the party of ideas and that its the gays who can't think straight."

RuPaul said he welcomed the chance to unify the Republican party. "While the Democrats are a party with a big tent," he said, "the Republicans obviously have one big closet and I am honored to be the one who can bust open the door."

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OBAMA STRIKES BACK AT GOP WITH APRIL FOOL'S PRANK OF HIS OWN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - After National Republicans played an April Fools joke on President Obama by praising him on their website for solving global warming with a mandate of the use of low emission unicorns, the president struck back with a prank of his own. The president announced he plans to open large portions of US coastal waters in the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico to oil and natural gas drilling.

"The Republicans won't know what hit them," said a grinning Skip Kornblum, a White House aide. "The GOP have been chomping at the bit to drill and here comes Obama stealing their thunder. Oh, what jolly fun to see if they denounce drilling or are forced to really praise Obama."

However, an announcement from Presidential Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said Obama's call for oil and gas drilling was not a joke and occurred on April 1st by coincidence. "The Republicans have only three ideas for every problem. Obama has already lowered taxes on the middle class, and will co-opt their second idea, drilling for oil. This will drive the GOP to use their last idea, anger. However, Obama knows he can top them there too as there is nothing more formidable than an angry black man."

"If Obama really wanted to play an April Fools joke on the Republicans," said Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla.), "he should have announced he was launching a full scale investigation of the Bush administration for war crimes and would appoint a commission with guts enough to find out what was really behind the 9/11 attacks.

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