GINGRICH UNVEILS NEW CONTRACT FOR AMERICA

by R J Shulman

CONFEDERATE CITY, Georgia - (PTSD News) Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has annoucned a new "Contract for America for the Twenty First Century," in Waycross, Georgia at a ceremony that renamed the town, Confederate City. "We know that the greatest threat to our country is President Obama himself and his failure to include any ideas but his own," Gingrich told a cheering crowd, "so I'm introducing ten ideas Obama must adopt to establish any possiblity of bipartisanship."

The "contract" unvelied by Gingrich includes:

1. Repeal the health care bill and get government hands off of Medicare once and for all.

2. Change Martin Luther King day to General Stonewall Jackson day, to celebrate someone who at least fought bravely for what he beleived in.

3. Replace FDR on the dime with George W. Bush, who really made Americans appreciate their last thin dime.

4. Declare the theory of evolution dead, and appoint Sarah Palin as the new Cabinet Secretary of Intelligent Design

5. Replace Thomas Jefferson with Ronald Regan as a founding father as while Jefferson had slaves, he was a obviously a Communist who did not beleive in the American trickle down theory

6. Privatize Social Security to get ineffecient government out of people's retirement accounts and give them to the experts in Wall Street who know how to do what they do best.

7. Declare the Democrat Party illegal.

8. Pay reparations to the descendants of slave holders for the loss they suffered when their slaves were stripped from them without due process and compensation

9. Obama must admit he is a foreign born Muslim anti-Christ communist Nazi Soviet Spy who wants to destroy the free enterprise system and redestribute the wealth from Christians who would be hard working if they could find a job, and give their wealth to welfare mothers.

10. Obama must reinstate slavery and declare himself a slave of Senate Minorty Leader Mitch McConnell.

At first Gingrich wanted to replace the first Ten Amendment of the constitution with the Ten Commandments, but changed his mind when it was pointed out to him that he was well on his way to violating all of them.

"Only the adoption of all ten of these reasonable and much needed pro-life, pro-American, pro-baby Jesus principals by Obama can save American from a fate worse than George Wallace would have gotten if he got stuck on 125th Street in Harlem on a hot day trying to protect a box of nooses."

President Obama said he would review this new Contract with America, however, Rush Limbaugh said even if Obama agrees to all these points, he would still want him to fail.

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