WITH PARTY FACING A GENDER GAP, ROMNEY OFFERS HIS BINDER FULL OF WOMEN TO GOP NOMINEE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) -  With national polls showing the Republican presidential candidates lagging far behind either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders with women voters, Mitt Romney has offered to help his party’s chances in November by offering his binder full of women to the eventual GOP presidential nominee.  However, his offer was met with less than enthusiasm from the two Republican delegate leaders.

Donald Trump said, “I don’t need help with women because I have the really big hands and the best words to attract women, but between me and lying Ted, whose name really isn’t Ted, I’ve done much better with the ladies as I have married three and he only one and I’m not saying looks should matter in a chick but let’s face they do and lying Ted, whose name really isn’t Ted married a woman so ugly that God is sorry he ever created Eve.”

Ted Cruz said if he used the binders it would only be for a short time, “because when I am president, I promise to take America back – back to a time before radical anti-Christians gave women the special right to vote, I mean just where in the bible did Jesus say that women could vote?” 

Current polls show that Donald Trump lags behind Hillary Clinton by 28 points with women voters and is behind Bernie Sanders by 26, while Ted Cruz is so far behind that 68% of women polled say if Cruz in elected president and they have to see and hear him for four years, they can guarantee they will never be able to sleep with a man again.  

REPUBLICAN CONVENTION TO ALLOW CONCEALED CARRY BUT BANS HEALTH CARE

by R J Shulman

CLEVELAND – (PTSD News Service) – The Republican National Committee has decided to allow attendees to carry concealed weapons at their national convention in Cleveland.  “It’s important to make sure our core supporters are heard loud and clear,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “and while we will replace their choice Donald Trump with a hand-picked candidate, we will console them by not only allowing guns, but by confiscating contraceptives and banning health care.”

The RNC plan not only to allow guns into the hall, renamed Benghazi and Email Memorial Auditorium, but will sell assault rifles to loyal attendees without background checks. “Of course, arms will not be sold to Muslims who will be deported to Guantanamo for proper vetting for however many years and water boards it takes to clear them,” Priebus said.

“In a show of compassion for Hispanics, they will be allowed to served convention goers and hotel guests at below minimum wage before they are deported,” said Ted Cruz, who hopes to be chosen over current leader Donald Trump.  “As proof that the new Republican party has a large tent, we will allow blacks to attend, although they will have to enter by the back of the tent,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “However, the few blacks that do show up will immediately be whisked to the front for photo ops to show just how diverse the Republican party has become.”

In support of religious freedom, former Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis has been hired to head up a crusade of Christians to guard the entrances so they can deny admission to gays, lesbians, and anyone else not personally saved by Jesus.  

“With all of these policies in place in Cleveland,” said Priebus, “we are sure to guarantee that our nominee will be just as likely to win the national election as the Cleveland Browns, Indians and Cavaliers are to win national championships.”

LAS VEGAS POSTS ODDS ON WHAT SECRET ABOUT HEIDI CRUZ TRUMP WILL “SPILL THE BEANS” ABOUT

by R J Shulman

LAS VEGAS – (PTSD News Service) – The nastiness of the GOP presidential primary has spawned a new set of odds this year as Las Vegas odds makers are not only taking bets on who will win the Republican nomination, but on just what Donald Trump will reveal about rival Ted Cruz’ wife Heidi after he publicly threatened to “spill the beans” about her.

The following are the latest odds:

9/2 - Heidi will tell her Goldman Sachs clients to invest in gold if her husband is elected president, because he will tank the economy.

5/1 - When Ted Cruz told Trump to “leave Heidi the hell alone,” she secretly wished it was Ted who would leave her the hell alone.

11/2 - She’s a man, baby.

7/1 – She has proof that Ted is not an American citizen.

8/1 - Ted’s small hands do indeed indicate something else about him.

10/1 - God regularly talks to Heidi, telling her to convince her husband to get the hell out of politics.

12/1 - She has made donations to Bernie Sanders’ campaign.

15/1 - Ted’s children are not really his.

15/1 - Ted smells like a rancid llama.

20/1 - She has racy dreams about President Obama.

25/1 - She plans to convert to Islam.

30/1 - She mistakenly married Ted Cruz when she got so drunk she thought she was getting hitched to Tom Cruise.

100/1 - Donald Trump will literally spill the beans when he dumps a vat of garbanzos on Heidi’s head at the Republican convention in Cleveland in July.

So far, Las Vegas has indicated there is much more of a buzz about what Trump means when he says he will spill the beans about Mrs. Cruz than about who will win the GOP nomination.  “Frankly,” said one odds maker from Caesar’s Palace who wished to remain anonymous, “when it comes to who will run on the Republican side, most people’s interest doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.”  

GOP CALLS OBAMA UN-AMERICAN FOR ATTENDING BASEBALL GAME IN CUBA INSTEAD OF ATTACKING ISIS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – President Barack Obama has been receiving severe criticism from Republicans for watching a baseball game during his Cuban visit in light of the terrorist attacks in Belgium.  “Just how far away from American values can you get when you watch baseball instead of bombing Muslims until the sand around them glows,” said Senator Ted Cruz.

“This president would rather cavort with communists than confront Islamic terrorists,” said Donald Trump.  “A President Trump would make America waterboard again.”  “Unlike our cowardly president, I would personally confront these Muslims and interrogate them in sessions guaranteed to find out all about them,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “unless it was a Muslim that Obama nominates to the Supreme Court in which case I would not meet with them.”

OBAMA FINDS TED CRUZ BIRTH CERTIFICATE IN CUBA

by R J Shulman

HAVANA – (PTSD- News Service) – It appears that the real reason for President Obama’s visit to Cuba had nothing to do with embargoes, democracy or classic American cars, but was all about retrieving a single document, the real birth certificate of Rafael Edward Cruz, better known as Ted Cruz.  Earlier today, Obama entered the People’s Records and Archives Hall and two hours later emerged with the document that proves Ted Cruz was not born in Canada as he has claimed, but in Havana, making him ineligible to hold the office of President of the United States.

“This was a mission accomplished win, win situation for the United States and our neighbor to the north,” Obama said.  Upon hearing the news, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau agreed.  “This lifts a great shroud of shame off of the citizens of Canada knowing that such a misfit was not born in our country and I can assure you, he will not be let through our borders again.”

GOP front runner Donald Trump felt vindicated, telling Fox News, “now that Cruz is out of the way, I will soon show that Hillary Rodham Clinton was born in a part of Illinois that was not part of the US and that Bernie Sanders is actually Joseph Stalin’s son and was born in Moscow’s Burdenko Hospital in the Soviet Union.”  When asked if the press might question the truth of these new accusations, Trump said, “why should the press start to fact check me now?”

FEDS CANCEL COURT HEARING, WILL GET TERRORIST IPHONE UNLOCKED BY WATERBORDING APPLE CEO

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a rare show of bipartisanship, Republicans have come to the aid of the Obama Administration in President’s efforts to access data that may be on the iPhone of one of the San Bernardino shooters as former Vice President Dick Cheney has offered his expertise to personally waterboard Apple CEO Tim Cook.

“Choosing between going through an expensive drawn out trial at tax payer expense with no guaranteed positive outcome as opposed to allowing Vice President Cheney to once again serve his country in the manner he does so well was a no brainer,” said President Obama.

“What I can’t wait to say to that terrorist supporter Tim Cook,” said Cheney, “is how do you like these apples.”

TRUMP PREDICTS RIOTS IF HE DOES NOT GET THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION AND PREDICTS RIOTS IF HE DOES GET THE NOMINATION

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump said on CNN he predicts that if does not get the nomination at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this summer that there will be riots.  “I am not saying I would lead or call for my many many avid followers to riot if I am a few votes short of the nomination and the party leaders take it away from me, but I would make sure I let my followers that their very existence for living was being stolen away from them by the worst people on earth.”

“Now I love everyone, and I am a healer that can bring people together,” Trump said, “but I predict if  I do get the nomination, that Bernie Sanders people will riot, not to mention Hillary’s people who I’m not saying want to kill my supporters, but I can’t help it if my supporters believe that Sanders people want to take their property and Hillary’s people want to take their life so the best path toward peace would be to name me President as soon as possible and allow me to make a deal with the American people and I can make some fabulous deals, and everyone know just what fabulous deals I can make and this deal will be that I will keep everyone safe if I am able to use any means necessary or whatever I feel like doing to protect all the people who are rioting because I may not get the nomination from all of the people who are rioting because I did get the nomination and once I quell all the riots with a beautiful plan that might involve building walls and deporting rioters, I will get the beautiful Noble Peace Prize for this and will certainly deserve it a lot more than Obama did when he got his Noble Peace Prize for pretending he wasn’t born in Kenya like all highly educated and poorly educated people know he really was.”

DESPERATE REPUBLICAN ELITE WANT TO FORCE BROKERED CONVENTION SO THEY CAN NOMINATE VLADIMIR PUTIN  

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republican leadership, who have been doing all they can to derail front-runner Donald Trump, have hatched a plan to nominate Russian President Vladimir Putin.  “Putin is tough, looks good with his shirt off and best of all can stand up to President Obama,” said one GOP insider who asked to remain anonymous.

“Compared to the wimps we had running like Jeb, Rick Perry and that recently departed pants wetter Rubio, Putin is a real man who is not afraid to call Muslims Islamic terrorists and to publicly bash gays,” said Karl Rove.

Putin told The Post Times Sun Dispatch that he is considering the offer but under one condition, saying “please to lock up that most annoying of all women, Sarah Palin because I grow tired of her looking at Russia from her house.”

BERNIE SANDERS’ UNPRECEDENTED USE OF TRUTH AND HONESTY MAY IRREPARABLY POLLUTE AMERICAN POLITICS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Political pundits are alarmed that Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ blatant use of truth, honesty and consistency may uproot and ultimately destroy the traditional values of American politics. 

“The Sanders campaign is riddled with disgusting true statements and reeks of the stench of a man who actually believes what he says,” said Clement Samuels, a Gaithersburg, Maryland political analyst. “Doesn’t Sanders know that the last socialist Jew who spoke the truth was absolutely crucified?”

“The positions he holds are the same anti-American ones he had before Al Gore invented the internet, Hillary killed Vince Foster and even before Obama was born in Kenya,” said Republican political consultant Frank Luntz. “Bernie Sanders, now there’s an unrepentant man who has not learned from his mistakes.”

“He is a complete disgrace to the entire American political system and will give politicians a good name,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“When he refuses to take money from corporations he is refusing to take money from people as we all know that corporations are people,” said former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, “and just how disgustingly anti-American is turning your back on the people?”

“If people like Sanders get elected President, we will no longer get involved in endless wars around the globe which will undermine the very foundation of our democratic republic – the military industrial complex,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney.

“Sanders is a real job killer, putting all those fact checkers at ABC, CBS, NBC and CNN out of work,” said former GOP presidential candidate Carly Fiorina.  When Fox News was asked about whether Sanders threatened the jobs of their fact checkers, Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes said “what’s a fact checker?”

Not every Republican is worried about Sanders unorthodox strategy.  Karl Rove said Sanders truthful rhetoric will have little lasting effect because, “if you tell the truth over and over again, the public will soon come to believe they are lies.”

MISSING RUBIO FOUND IN CUBA – HE THOUGHT CALLS TO GET OUT MEANT FOR HIM TO LEAVE COUNTRY

by R J Shulman

HAVANA, Cuba – (PTSD News Service) – The mystery of Marco Rubio’s sudden disappearance has been solved.  The Florida Senator was found hiding out in the Playa neighborhood of Havana after believing that the numerous calls for him to get out of the Republican race for President were actually calls for him to get out of the country.

“Those small hands and wet pants of Donald Trump got me all confused,” Rubio said. “I heard people yelling at me to get the hell out, so I did.”  Rubio said he was unsure if he would return to the United States, “because if Trump or Cruz become president, America would become a real hell hole for Hispanics.”

ANALYST SAYS TRUMP NOT ANOTHER HITLER, BUT ANOTHER P. T. BARNUM

by R J Shulman

BETHEL, Connecticut – (PTSD News Service) – Political analyst Thomas J. Thumb said in an article appearing in Politics Today that all the talk comparing Donald Trump to Adolph Hitler is misguided and that the current leader for the Republican presidential nomination is more like famous showman P. T. Barnum. 

“While Trump has appealed to white supremacists, a closer look reveals that the similarities between Trump and Barnum are staggering,” Thumb said.  “Both Barnum and Trump have profited from the gullibility of the public. Barnum wrote a book called The Art of Money Getting, Trump The Art of the Deal. They both speculated in real estate. Barnum created a circus while Trump is turning the Republican party into one.”

Thumb pointed out that Barnum became a politician, serving as mayor of Bridgeport, Connecticut and in that state’s legislature, while Trump has political aspirations as he wants to be President.  “This is not so much about the dangers of Mein Kampf,” Thumb said. “This is all about Mein Trump about to prove that there really is a sucker born every minute.”

TRUDEAU OBAMA CLASH OVER PROPOSED DEPORTATION OF TED CRUZ

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – While President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau appeared to have a cordial visit, it belied the fact that this was the most contentions visit of Canadians in Washington D C since the invasion and burning of the US Capital in 1814.  The flash point was whether Canada would accept Ted Cruz back after Obama signed the executive order to deport him.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch learned that Trudeau told Obama to “point you Cruz missile elsewhere as Canada was not about to re-embrace that hateful bastard whose violent nature and religious fundamentalist views were more suited to our gun-crazed neighbors to the south.”  Trudeau then refused Obama’s next offer which was to trade Cruz for Justin Bieber, although Trudeau said he was tempted.

Obama then threatened to build a wall between the US and Canada, saying it was necessary because, “the most dangerous Hispanic to ever enter the United States had crossed the border from the north rather than the south and we don’t need another Cruz.”  On this point they agreed, Trudeau welcoming the wall as it would be needed to protect Canada from hordes of Americans fleeing north if Cruz or Trump was elected president.

Trudeau finally suggested Obama use his newly improved relationship with Cuban leader Raul Castro to send Cruz back to his ancestral homeland.  However, Castro said, “no way, Jose, unless you send that pendejo to Guantanamo where he belongs.” 

CLARENCE THOMAS THREATENS TO ASK MORE QUESTIONS IF CONSERVATIVE IS NOT NAMED TO HIGH COURT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas drew gasps from reporters today when he threatened to ask questions during oral arguments in future cases before the Court if the late Justice Antonin Scalia’s seat is not filled by a true conservative. “If Obama or the next president nominates a liberal, I’ll pepper those damn lawyers with so many damn questions their heads will spin so fast they’ll need more than an exorcist to fix their shit,” Thomas said.

Thomas, who hadn’t asked a question since February 22, 2006 sent shock waves through the legal community when he recently asked several questions regarding the rights of gun ownership for convicted felons in a case called Voisine v. U.S.  

President Obama said he will now rethink his nomination for the Supreme Court, saying, “endless questions by Justice Thomas is a greater threat to the American system of democracy than ISIS, Iran, North Korea and Donald Trump combined.”

POLICE INVESTIGATE KNIFE FOUND AT FORMER RESIDENCE OF BEN CARSON

by R J Shulman

DETROIT – (PTSD News Service) – Michigan State Police are investigating a knife discovered buried at a former residence of Republican Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson. “We are not sure but it may have been used in an attempted stabbing some years ago,” said Sgt. Wayne Holland of the Michigan State Police.  Holland told reporters the early indication is that the knife had no blood or DNA on it. “Apparently, the user failed in an attempt to stab the intended target,” Holland said.

“I knew that Carson couldn’t cut it,” said Senator Marco Rubio.  “No wonder Dr. Carson dropped out of the primary debates,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “unlike the rest of us Republicans he was incapable of making cutting remarks.”

“Gifted hands, my ass,” said Donald Trump, referring to Ben Carson’s book. “I can assure you that my hands indicate that I have the largest knife in the drawer.”

There is an unconfirmed report that Carson buried the knife after realizing he had no clear path to stabbing anyone to victory for the GOP nomination. “You haven’t seen the last of me,” Carson said. “In the future, I may take another stab at this presidential thing.”

FOX NEWS REPORTS HILLARY CLINTON KILLED EMAIL INVENTOR

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) - Fox News is reporting that Ray Tomlinson, who invented email and died on March 5^th at 75, did not die of natural causes but was murdered by Hillary Clinton.  “It is obvious that she had motive because if Tomlinson had not invented email, she would not have been caught exposing top national security secrets on her private server,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.  “She murdered Vince Foster for doing much less,” O’Reilly said, “so there is no doubt that serial killer Hillary is at it again.”

“There is a period of about three hours on the day Tomlinson died where Hillary was not making political speeches or talking to super delegates to rig the primaries,” said Sean Hannity, “so by unfailing logic there is no question she travelled to Waltham, Massachusetts and killed Tomlinson.”

The United States House of Representatives has voted along party lines to begin an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Tomlinson’s death and will commence the investigation as soon as they complete their eleventh investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the attack on the US embassy in Benghazi and the investigation into the Hillary Clinton’s outrageous accusation that she is being attacked by a great right wing conspiracy.