POLICE INVESTIGATE KNIFE FOUND AT FORMER RESIDENCE OF BEN CARSON

by R J Shulman

DETROIT – (PTSD News Service) – Michigan State Police are investigating a knife discovered buried at a former residence of Republican Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson. “We are not sure but it may have been used in an attempted stabbing some years ago,” said Sgt. Wayne Holland of the Michigan State Police.  Holland told reporters the early indication is that the knife had no blood or DNA on it. “Apparently, the user failed in an attempt to stab the intended target,” Holland said.

“I knew that Carson couldn’t cut it,” said Senator Marco Rubio.  “No wonder Dr. Carson dropped out of the primary debates,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “unlike the rest of us Republicans he was incapable of making cutting remarks.”

“Gifted hands, my ass,” said Donald Trump, referring to Ben Carson’s book. “I can assure you that my hands indicate that I have the largest knife in the drawer.”

There is an unconfirmed report that Carson buried the knife after realizing he had no clear path to stabbing anyone to victory for the GOP nomination. “You haven’t seen the last of me,” Carson said. “In the future, I may take another stab at this presidential thing.”