GOP CANDIDATES DEBATE APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT FOR THOSE SAYING HAPPY HOLIDAYS INSTEAD OF MERRY CHRISTMAS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republican presidential candidates have weighed in on what they consider one of the most important aspects of the War on Christmas, people who don’t say, “Merry Christmas” when they should.  “Everyone knows the founding fathers made this a Christian country in the First Amendment,” said Rick Santorum, “so anyone saying ‘happy holidays,’ instead of “Merry Christmas,” has violated the Constitution and should serve time.”  “If a person does not say Merry Christmas at the appropriate time of year they should be put on the terrorist watch list so they can’t fly to Pakistan,’ said Jeb Bush, “of course, they can still buy guns as we can’t be so heartless as to take away all their rights.”

“If somebody says something other than ‘Merry Christmas,’ they should be stabbed,” said Ben Carson, “and I know just the person to do it.”  “I don’t know whether non-believers glow at night,” said Ted Cruz, “but I would bomb the hell out of them until we found out.”  “If I some idiot fails to say Merry Christmas,” said Governor Chris Christie, “I’d make sure they’d be stuck in traffic until they did.” 

Marco Rubio backtracked on his position that he would allow a path to citizenship for a person who said ‘happy holidays.’  “If it is clear that they said ‘no’ to Christmas, then we should say ‘no’ to them.”

“I wouldn’t just deal with these anti-Americans at Christmas time,” said Donald Trump, “so I’m inquiring into their anti-Christian beliefs by using persuasive techniques that you will love.  I’ll call it the American Inquisition.”