HOUSE TO INVESTIGATE HILLARY EMAILS TO DETERMINE IF SHE ORDERED STARBUCKS TO WAGE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans in the United States House of Representatives have formed a select committee to investigate the possible connection between Hillary Rodham Clinton and the recent decision by Starbucks to serve drinks in a plain red cup without a specific Christmas reference. “Starbuck waging war on Christmas is the most shocking anti-Christian act since Jesus was nailed to the cross and we have reason to believe that Hillary Clinton is responsible,” said Representative Trey Gowdy of South Carolina, chairman of the committee that will investigate the matter.  Gowdy indicated that they will require that Hillary turn over all emails, transcripts of all telephone calls, personal mail and any postings on social media.

“She will have to answer some tough questions on just why when she was Secretary of State that not once did she demand that Starbucks make sure that their holiday cups be pro-Christmas,” said Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio, “and if you are not pro-Christmas than you are pro-Islamic terrorist.”  “We need to know why she keeps changing her story of whether she enjoyed drinking a Chestnut Praline Latte from one of the anti-Christian cups,” said Representative Mike Pompeo of Kansas.

Democrats Adam B. Schiff and Elijah E. Cummings angrily accused the Republicans of wanting to conduct the hearings for purely political motives. “Did these same Republicans investigate any Bush appointee during his administration when the phrase “Happy Holidays” actually became more popular than “Merry Christmas?” Schiff said.  Gowdy vehemently denied that the hearing was political in nature and the fact that he scheduled the first hearing on December 19, 2015, the date of a New Hampshire Democratic debate was purely coincidental.  “We should be able to wrap this investigation up in about ten hearings,” Gowdy said.