GOP HOPEFULS JOCKEY FOR POSITION AS MOST ANTI-MUSLIM CANDIDATE

by R J Shulman 

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In the aftermath of the Paris terrorist attacks, Republican presidential candidates are vying to establish themselves as the person most qualified to protect Americans from extremists.  Donald Trump said, “I would close down the borders and the mosques and build a wall around the mosques and the borders with a beautiful door in those walls that you would love that I can get for a great price.”

“I would only let in Christian Syrians refugee’s,” Jeb Bush said, “and we can tell who’s Christian by seeing if they boycott a red Starbucks cup.” “I agree,” said Lindsey Graham, “but the Christian test I would use would be one devised by Dick Cheney.”

Rick Santorum said, “the Christian thing to do is to deny every Middle Eastern husband, wife and infant from finding shelter and make sure they slept in a manger before any tax dollars would be used to house them.”

“I would trap all of the Syrian terrorists in a giant traffic jam and throw them off a bridge,” said Chris Christie.  Ben Carson told reporters that he had a better plan in which he would personally stab each of the bad guys. “And this time, I won’t miss,” Carson said.

Carly Fiorina said that if she was president she would fire any federal employee who allowed a Syrian refugee in the country, “and if there is anyone who knows how to let people go, it’s me.”  “What really bothers me about letting in Syrian refugees,” said Marco Rubio, “is that one of them could use an assault rifle and kill a bunch of Americans and the next thing you know the gun grabbing nuts would come out of the woodwork and try and pass gun control laws.”

“I would like to take a more reasonable approach regarding the Syrian refugees,’ said John Kasich, “but the Republican base would just boo me more than they have already.”

“I might want to un-suspend my campaign and jump back in the race,” said Rick Perry, “because every American should know that if ISIS attacked Paris, France, the next three places they could attack would be Paris, Texas, Paris, Tennessee and I forge the third American Paris that could be a target.”

Rand Paul said that the Syrian refugee crisis could be solved with deregulation and lower taxes.

Ted Cruz was more pessimistic. “The terrorists are already here,” he said, “they have infiltrated the media and are planning to attack Republican candidates with dangerous gotcha questions at the next debate.”