FOX NEWS: JESUS HAS ALREADY FORGIVEN COLORADO SHOOTER

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK- (PTSD News Service) – Fox News reported they have it on good authority that Jesus has forgiven the man who shot three people to death at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs. “It’s no wonder Jesus forgave him so fast,” said Sean Hannity, “after all, he was simply exercising his Second Amendment right to back up his First Amendment right to speak out against selling baby parts.”

Republican candidates were quick to speak out. Ted Cruz said, “The Son of God understands it was not the shooter’s fault that a few careless bystanders got in the way his Christian bullets.”  “We need to find better ways to train American bystanders to dodge stray bullets,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, “and I will make sure we pass appropriate legislation.”

“The tragedy,” said Senator Marco Rubio, “is that the liberal press will try and make Planned Parenthood look like the victim when clearly it is Christianity that is under attack in this country.”  Jeb Bush disagreed, “It’s not so much the false victimization of Planned Parenthood that is the real tragedy, but that gun-grabbing liberals will use this case of careless bystanders to demand restrictive gun control laws.”

“It’s not guns that kill people or white Christian men who use guns to kill people, but abortion clinics who sell baby parts that cause white Christian men to use guns to kill people,” said Rick Santorum.  “I agree it’s not about guns,” said Dr. Ben Carson, “because the guy could have tried to stab those people with a knife.”

Donald Trump weighed in by saying, “I saw millions of Muslims cheering in New Jersey every time Planned Parenthood sold baby parts.” “What’s so outrageous about liberals,” said Mike Huckabee, “is that if Jesus can see his way to forgive the shooter why can’t Hillary, Bernie and that Muslim president of theirs do the same?”  Senator John McCain said that the solution to all of this unnecessary violence is to immediately start bombing Iran.

Fox News concluded with a report that they project that by the end of the evening, Jesus will pardon Jason Van Dyke, the white policeman who shot Laquan McDonald sixteen times.  “After all, where in the bible does it allow a teenager to defy the police while on PCP?” Hannity said.