NEW STUDY SAYS DISAPPEARANCE OF BEES CAUSED BY HIP HOP MUSIC
by R J Shulman
ALEXANDRIA, Va – In a report just released, the Brimstone Foundation, a faith-based scientific study group, announced that the recent and sudden disappearance of bees in the world was due to the proliferation of hip-hop music.

“The use of disparaging and disrespectful language toward females,” said Roger Horsefecalien, spokesperson for Brimstone, “has caused the breakup of the bee family. How do you expect,” he continued, “the queen to stick around after the lazy should-be worker bee calls her a ho and a bitch?”

In addition, the report noted the use of Ebonics in rap lyrics that often uses phrases such as “I bee this” or “I bee doing that,” which further degraded bee colonies. When contacted about the Brimstone report, rapper Snoop Dog, known for some of the most explosive rap lyrics said, “ I bee sorry for any f**kin’ bee up and dying cause of my sh*t.”

“I knew it wasn’t my fault for what I said,” remarked recently fired shock jock Don Imus after reading the Brimstone report. “I should get my mo’ fo’ job back after the hos at CBS read this sh*t.”

POPE PUTS LIMBO IN LIMBO
By R. J. Shulman
VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has reversed centuries of Catholic theology by declaring that children who die without baptism can still go to heaven. This is in contradiction to the long held Catholic teaching that babies who are born with original sin, could not enter heaven, but were saved from the flames of hell by being sent to limbo.

The Papal approval of the findings of the International Theological Commission, a Vatican advisory panel, did not suggest abolishing Purgatory. “We are going to let the little babies into heaven," said Giuseppe Cardoni, of the Commission. “However, certain adults not automatically doomed to the hot fires of hell, will still have a chance to cool their heels. This includes those that have not yet accepted Christ as their personal savior or those who voted for John Kerry.”

“It’s kind of like they got rid of one type of waiting room, like the outer one in a doctor’s office,” said noted Yale theologian Clifford Yates, “but kept the inner waiting room for certain types not quite ready for the harps and wings.”

“At first I thought the Pope got rid of Rush Limbaugh,” said Winfred Mushenheim, of Carlisle, Pennsylvania, “but then I heard it was about getting rid of the doctor’s waiting room for the little babies.” “Speaking of doctor’s waiting rooms,” said her husband Nate, a fifty-one year old pipe fitter, “I hear that Rush fella has seen a lot of those lately.”

Not everyone is pleased with the Pope’s decision. “First he gets rid of Limbo, next it will be the Twist or the Hully Gully,” said Danny Franz, dance coordinator of the popular ABC-TV series, Dancing with the Stars.

“I am pleased that the other decider,” said President Bush from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, “has decided that the little Iraqi babies we kinda tore up in our operation shock and awe don’t have to waiticate any more and can join all them little snowflakes already in heaven.”

“I believe, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed location deep underground, “that limbo is in its final throes.”

ALBERTO GONZALES TO CONGRESS: I DIDN’T KNOW SANJAYA WAS FIRED
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON- In stunning testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales claimed that while he may have heard bout the matter in passing, he had nothing to do with Sanjaya Malakar’s removal from Fox’s American Idol. “Gonzales’ statement seems to be completely at odds with his own telephone records which show he made more than five million calls to vote for the other contestants,” said Senator Henry Waxman (D- Cal).

Gonzales defended the reported use of torture against Sanjaya. “After all,” the Attorney General said, “he tortured us regularly with his awful singing.” In a show of support for Gonzales, President Bush said, “I have full faith in Alberto. As all Americans,” Bush continued, “serve at my pleasure, I decided it was time for Sanjaya to be de-idolized.”

“I’m glad Sanjaya’s gone,” said talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “he doesn’t even look American.”

Presidential candidate John McCain said he was pleased with the American Idol results. “Americans should know that no matter what the defeatist Democrats are saying, we are winning the war on terrible singers,” McCain commented from a rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Why just the other day I walked down a street where Sanjaya has just been and it was safe as it could be.” “McCain forgot to mention,” said Presidential rival Barack Obama, “that he was protected from rotten tomatoes and other spoiled fruit by over a thousand Army troops and and two fully armed helicopters.” “I wish I had Sanjaya’s hair,” said Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani. “I kind of do have Sanjaya’s hair,” replied John Edwards on the campaign trail in New Hampshire.

Pleased with the removal of Sanjaya from the Fox TV show to an undisclosed location in the Middle East, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “would you rather hear Sanjaya sing over there or hear him sing over here?”

When asked about the Sanjay matter, former President Bill Clinton waived his finger at reporters and said, “I did not have sex with that contestant.”

In a related story, former shock jock Don Imus was fired from his Walmart greeting job when he reportedly said, “Sanjaya? I can’t stand that floppy-headed ho.”

SANTA CLAUSE FIRED FOR SAYING “HO”
By R J Shulman
NORTH POLE , Canada - After a firestorm of controversy, Santa Clause was fired from his job of delivering toys and Christmas cheer due to his use of the word, “Ho.” “Can you imaging the emotional damage suffered by my three little girls,” said Monique Hart of Nutley, New Jersey, “when this big fat oaf enters our house and said ‘Ho, Ho, Ho,’ right in front of them.”

“I was just trying to have some fun,” Santa Clause had said immediately after the incident. “I sincerely apologize to the women of the world and promise to bring them a great gift this year regardless of whether they were naughty or nice.”

“He just doesn’t get it,” said Francine Goldbluth of the National Organization for Women, “first he uses the word ‘ho’ and then talks about women being naughty.”

“It’s not really his fault,” said Mrs. Clause. “Nikky has just been exposed to all that Christmas music on the radio. You know, like ‘Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.’ I think there is a ‘ho’ in that one.”

“He wouldn’t have been fired if he were black,” said national talk show host Rush Limbaugh. “If he were black,” said Reverend Al Sharpton, “Mr. Limbaugh would certainly not be getting any oxycodne in his stocking for Christmas.”

“I am really ticked off at this turn of events,” said recently fired shock jock Don Imus. “I finally get a job playing Santa at Macy’s and some nappy headed ho up and fires ‘ol St. Nick.

Some people never learn.

BUSH EXTENDS HIS OWN TOUR OF DUTY
By R. J. Shulman
WASHINGTON – Citing the strain that the war is putting on the office of the President, George W. Bush announced that he is extending his Presidency for at least fifteen months past January 2008, the date his term was originally going to end. “Someone has to be in charge of the troop surge and make sure it goes right,” said Bush, “and as the decider, I decided that I am the most qualified to be the surge protector.”

The decision -- coming three months after President Bush put forth his new security plan for Iraq, including the deployment of at least 28,000 additional troops there -- reflects the reality that the new strategy is unfeasible without introducing a longer Presidential tour.

PRESIDENT LOOKS HIGH AND LOW FOR 'WAR CZAR'

By R J Shulman



Bush asks baby to be war
Czar

WASHINGTON – The White House has indicated it wants to name a high-powered person to be the so-called ‘war czar’ to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but so far all of the four-star generals contacted have declined the offer. "The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going," said retired Marine Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan, a former top NATO commander who was among those rejecting the job.

So the President has begun looking elsewhere. “We wanted Brownie,” said the President, referring to Michael Brown, the former head of FEMA, “but he was doing a heck of a job remaining scarce, if you know what I mean.” “I know Don Imus will probably looking for a job soon,” the President continued, “but I’m not sure how many nappy-headed hos’ he’d find in the Middle East and that’s the only thing he is an expert on.,” Bush then proceeded to walk to a street corner looking for an illegal alien to fill the position. “They know all about how to illegally cross the border and maybe they could help us stop all them Al Qaeda’s from getting’ into Iraq,” the President said.

However the problem may be solved as Vice President Dick Cheney offered a solution from his undisclosed bunker, “ While I did find a guy who claimed to be a descendant of Czar Nicholas of Russia, I think the best solution is for me to name myself the war czar. It worked well when I named myself Vice President. But I think it best,” he added, “if I just shorten my title to Czar.”

SEARCH CONTINUES FOR DICK CHENEYS’ MISSING FEMININE SIDE
By R J Shulman
CASPER, Wyoming - The search continues for the missing feminine side of Vice President Dick Cheney. “We are losing hope of ever finding it,” said Ralph P. White of the Wyoming State Police. “We have been looking for days, years actually.”

“We have heard the cry for help,” said Willard Pinkus, an aide to the Vice President, “you know him forcing his friend Harry to apologize for getting his face in the way of Dick’s bullet, for Dick’s invading helpless countries, enjoying torture and for constantly posing with firearms in photo ops.”

“I don’t think there is a chance in hell we will find it,” said Marcy Collins a volunteer searcher, “although I suspect hell is where his feminine side is waiting for him.”

TUMBLEWEED COMMITS SUICIDE
By R J Shulman
RIO RANCHO, New Mexico - A tragic incident has shaken this sleepy Albuquerque suburb when it was learned that a tumbleweed committed suicide by diving in front of a car on busy Rio Rancho Boulevard.

“One minute he was on the sidewalk,” said eye witness Clyde Sanchez, “and the next he dashed right in front of a blue Toyota.” “I just couldn’t stop in time,” said a distraught Nancy Cromwell, the driver of the car that struck the tumbleweed, “he just jumped right out in front of me with no warning.”

“We should have known this was coming,” said Dr. Wayne Hodgkiss, a psychiatrist at the University of New Mexico Medical Center, “you can’t help but become despondent when you spend most of your life just drifting from town to town.”

IMUS TO GET AWARD FROM NCAA WOMENS BASKETBALL
by R J Shulman
New York – The National Collegiate Athletic Association, Women’s Basketball division has announced that it will be awarding shock jock Don Imus a special appreciation award. “Before his thoughtless racist remark about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team, as being made up of “nappy headed hos,” said C. Vivian Stringer, the team’s coach, “almost no one knew that there were female college teams who vie for a national championship.”

“We been called worse than what that white DJ called us,” said Essence Carson of the Scarlet Knights, “at least now we are being called, called by Nike and whatnot for endorsements.” “All I got to say to that aging fool," said Epiphany Prince one of the Scarlet Knight stars “is thanks,” as she waved her new contract from Gatorade.

“Thanks to that creep Imus," said Cappie Pondexter, star of the Phoenix Mercury. “people now are more aware that women play professional basketball and that WNBA is not a radio station in Cincinnati or some shit like that.”

“I can’t believe that he made fun of our appearances,’ said Kia Vaughn of the Scarlet Knights. “Did you see how Imus looks? It looks like my 400 pound aunt Eunice fell out of a ten story window and landed on that hateful man's ugly-ass face.”

Asked if Imus should be fired from his radio show for his remarks, comedian Chris Rock said, “he shouldn’t be fired for being racist, he should be fired for not being funny.”

NANCY PELOSI INVADES IRAN

by R J Shulman
TEHERAN, Iran – Making good on her threats, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has ignored the pleas of President George W. Bush and invaded Iran. “She knew I was the decider,” said an exasperated Bush, “and that it is I that makes the decision when and where to invade innocent countries.”

“I can’t believe she has learned nothing from history,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “you can’t just invade a country because you want to use conflict or, I shudder to think war for political purposes. The only way to peace is to use diplomacy and to diplomacy the hell out of them with, you know, 10 megaton shock and awe diplomacy.”

“You can’t invade a country with just a scarf,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld from an office he still occupies at the Pentagon, “you must make sure that any inadequacies of equipment are far more reaching than just one person wearing a surrender cloth on her head. All of the troops must be unprepared.”

“I can’t believe that San Francisco value toting imbecile of a broad went to a country where they demean women,” said talk show host Bill O’Reilly.
Breaking ranks with the President, Vice President Dick Cheney was not so upset by Pelosi’s visit to Iran. “Would you rather,” Cheney said from an undisclosed bunker, “fight her over there or fight her here.”

DESPITE A VALIANT EFFORT, WOMAN ENDS UP JUST LIKE HER MOTHER
by R J Shulman
VAN NUYS, CA – For as long as she can remember, aspiring actress Viola Westlake vowed that she would not grow up to be like her mother. “Blanche had such a sad life, men leaving, all that heartbreak and all,” Viola said sipping a cup of dark Joe from a mug at Du Pars Coffee Shop in North Hollywood at three A.M. “But the other day, much to my horror I realized I am exactly like her.”

“Unlike Blanche,” Viola said, “ I went to college, got a degree in astrophysics from the University of Texas, played for two seasons with the WNBA Houston Comets, but when I look in the mirror, I am, none the less, a spitting image of her. The worst thing is,” Viola continued, “is that my Jimmy also went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.”

“She really can’t help herself because it’s the natural order of things” said Dr. Mort Kaiser, a psychiatrist from the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA, “You know what they say,” Kaiser said, “if you want to know what the girl you are dating will be like, just look at her mother.”
“All is not lost,” said Viola standing in front of her vintage 1946 Plymouth, “Like Blanche, I look fabulous in black and white.”

DRESS DOES MAKE LOCAL WOMAN LOOK FAT
By R J Shulman
Millwood, WA - While getting dressed for trip to a shopping mall in nearby Spokane, Loretta Swerling asked her husband, Gerald if the dress she chose made her look fat. Without thinking, Gerald answered in the affirmative.

“I must have been distracted by my fly which got stuck. I was about to take a leak when Sweet Pea asked about the green number she was trying on and I said yes,” Gerald said from his hospital bed at Millwood General.

A quick poll was taken by the hospital staff when Loretta brought the injured Gerald to the emergency room. “When we heard why Loretta had clocked her hubby,” said head nurse Winnie Whitehorse, “us nurses looked at the green dress, and by a margin of three to one, found that the dress really did make her look fat.”

“I am so embarrassed,” said a contrite Loretta. “Not because I ripped the hall mirror off the wall and smashed it over Sweetum’s head, but because I really did look fat in that dress.” The nurses agreed that the little black number Loretta wore the next day to visit Gerald in intensive care was a better choice. “It slimmed her thighs rather nicely,” said nurse Harriet Bolcum, “so I’m gonna get me one just like it.”