ALBERTO GONZALES TO CONGRESS: I DIDN’T KNOW SANJAYA WAS FIRED
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON- In stunning testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales claimed that while he may have heard bout the matter in passing, he had nothing to do with Sanjaya Malakar’s removal from Fox’s American Idol. “Gonzales’ statement seems to be completely at odds with his own telephone records which show he made more than five million calls to vote for the other contestants,” said Senator Henry Waxman (D- Cal).

Gonzales defended the reported use of torture against Sanjaya. “After all,” the Attorney General said, “he tortured us regularly with his awful singing.” In a show of support for Gonzales, President Bush said, “I have full faith in Alberto. As all Americans,” Bush continued, “serve at my pleasure, I decided it was time for Sanjaya to be de-idolized.”

“I’m glad Sanjaya’s gone,” said talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “he doesn’t even look American.”

Presidential candidate John McCain said he was pleased with the American Idol results. “Americans should know that no matter what the defeatist Democrats are saying, we are winning the war on terrible singers,” McCain commented from a rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Why just the other day I walked down a street where Sanjaya has just been and it was safe as it could be.” “McCain forgot to mention,” said Presidential rival Barack Obama, “that he was protected from rotten tomatoes and other spoiled fruit by over a thousand Army troops and and two fully armed helicopters.” “I wish I had Sanjaya’s hair,” said Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani. “I kind of do have Sanjaya’s hair,” replied John Edwards on the campaign trail in New Hampshire.

Pleased with the removal of Sanjaya from the Fox TV show to an undisclosed location in the Middle East, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “would you rather hear Sanjaya sing over there or hear him sing over here?”

When asked about the Sanjay matter, former President Bill Clinton waived his finger at reporters and said, “I did not have sex with that contestant.”

In a related story, former shock jock Don Imus was fired from his Walmart greeting job when he reportedly said, “Sanjaya? I can’t stand that floppy-headed ho.”