68% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY LIE ON POLLS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) A new Washington Post/ABC News poll shows that slightly more than two-thirds of Americans knowingly lie when they are surveyed by polling organizations. 

The study shows that the reasons why people deliberately lie is that 22% are afraid that their real opinion is wrong, 15% are worried that someone in their family who has a different opinion will find out, 14% say they are worried that God will find out they have a different opinion than their preacher, 12% don’t really have an opinion on whether they have an opinion, 11% say what they think Rush Limbaugh would say whether or not they may really have a different opinion, 9% are worried that the government may find out their real opinion and take away their guns, 8% say that they hate Obamacare but they don’t know why, and 5% said that 60% of the time they have trouble with math and the other 60% of the time they don’t, 3% say that they really don’t know anything at all and have no plans to change that and 1% think that polls should only be answered by Polish people.  

The poll has a plus or minus 5% chance of error before taking into account whether everyone polled may have been lying. 

FOX NEWS REPORTS THAT OBAMA PARDONED AN ALL DARK MEAT RADICAL MUSLIM GAY TURKEY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – For the first time, controversy surrounds the annual presidential pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey.  Fox News has just broken the story that Popcorn, the turkey that was pardoned by President Obama, is one that contains only dark meat and turns to the east before he gobbles. “There is undeniable evidence that Obama deliberately ignored pardoning a white meat Christian turkey for an unqualified minority turkey who has been known to pal around with Islamic terrorist turkeys and who has been making inappropriate advances toward other male turkeys,” said Neil Cavuto.  “Clearly, with his divisive choice, President Obama has given the American people the bird.”

“What is so bad about this is that Obama’s action is just like Neville Chamberlain appeasing Hitler before World War II.  I predict that this pardon is going to be Obama’s Willie Horton,” Cavuto said referring to the convicted murderer whose furlough release by Governor Dukakis probably doomed his presidential campaign.  What’s next?” Cavuto asked, “Is this president going to pardon all pigs, cows, squirrels and everything else we get meat from.  There is no doubt Obama is trying to turn us all into vegetarian communists.” 

Fox is also reporting that hundreds of Americans have had their Butterball turkey orders cancelled right before the holiday.  “These new and horrific cancellations are clearly another broken promise of Obamacare,” Cavuto said.    

When the House convenes again, Republicans have promised a full scale investigation.  “Turkeygate is going to be the last straw,” Darrell Issa (R-Cal) said.

OBAMA’S IRAN AND SYRIAN WEAPONS AGREEMENTS, HIS SUPPORT OF IMMIGRATION REFORM AND FIXING THE ECONOMY ARE NAKED ATTEMPTS TO DISTRACT AMERICANS FROM HIS OBAMACARE DISASTER

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – According to Fox News, you shouldn’t be fooled by Obama’s slight-of-hand deception of trying to lessen tension in the Middle East, fix the economy and solve the immigration problem – they are all a big scam to try and take the heat off the greatest disaster off all time – Obamacare. 

“Just because he has gotten an agreement with Iran over their nukes and broken the deadlock between Iran and the US since 1979 and got Syria to admit to and agree to destroy their chemical weapons is small potatoes compared to the horror suffered by Americans whose insurance policy that they like got cancelled,” said Neil Cavuto on Fox. “It’s like Obama put a gun to the head of their most beloved pet and pulled the trigger.  I mean, how can you compare the overblown accomplishment of saving the American economy, the ho-humness of staying out of pointless wars to the abject torture that Americans are forced to endure when they have to wait for a slow website to sign them up for insurance?  That is like comparing apples to atomic bombs.”

Fox also reported that some people say that the real conspiracy is that Obama deliberately created this health care mess to distract the American people from knowing that he is a foreign born Muslim who is the worst Communist since Hitler bombed Pearl Harbor. 

OBAMA ACCUSED OF LYING ABOUT HIS DOGS; HOUSE TO LAUNCH INVESTIGATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Fresh on the heels of claims that he lied when he said that no one would lose insurance policies that they liked, President Obama’s credibility is in question again.  During his victory speech in November 2012, Obama said that “for now, one dog is enough,” when discussing his family pet situation.  However, it just came to light that the president went back on his word and adopted another Portuguese Water Dog named Sunny, last August. 

“The president has proven once again that he is incapable of telling the truth to the American people,” said Darrell Issa (R-CA), “and my investigating committee will now sink our teeth into this meaty issue until we dig up all the dirt surrounding this latest pack of Obama lies.  This proves that the president is a dog-gone liar, no bones about it.”

Fox News is giving full coverage to ‘Doggiegate’ as they call it and reports that some people say that the distraction of Obama getting a second dog has caused the president to take his eye off the ball and make major mistakes with Benghazi, the IRS, spying on the Tea Party, becoming a ruthless tyrant and personally creating the disaster that is the Obamacare website.  “There is no question,” said Fox News, “that the Obama Administration has gone to the dogs.”

BUSH PANTS TO GO TO THE SMITHSONIAN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The heavily charred pants that Former President George W. Bush was wearing when he told the world that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction have finally found a home at the Smithsonian.  The controversy over the pants arose when Bush wanted the pants to go on display at the Bush Library in College Station, Texas.  However, the Smithsonian made a claim for the item stating that the pants were not only one of the most famous examples of spontaneous combustion, but it was also a part of American history and should reside in the museum in Washington.

The tug of war over the pants was resolved by the Supreme Court in a split decision.  Speaking for the majority, Justice Kennedy said that pants were equal to the paper that famous speeches, such as Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address were written on, and as such, gave the Smithsonian a leg up on the Bush Library for possession of the trousers.  “When the leader of the Free World, George W. Bush announced that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, the truthfulness of that statement was forever seared into history when the very pants which are the subject of our case, burst into flames.”

While disappointed that his pants would not be on display next to the copy of The Pet Goat he was trying to read to elementary students when the attacks on 9-11 happened, Bush said, “I may be a little hot under the collar about my pants going back to Washington, but if you think I am feeling hotification now, that’s nothing compared to the hot seat I was in when I talked about Saddam’s weapons and those pants suddenly inflammicated.”

PRESIDENT GOES NUCLEAR AFTER CONFRONTED BY OBAMACARE CRITIC

by R J Shulman

WEEHAWKEN, New Jersey – (PTSD News Service) – President Obama broke away from his usual calm demeanor yesterday after a woman, 39 year-old Selma Wiggins complained to him that her $15 a month insurance plan had been cancelled.  The president then asked her what her plan had covered and she said she didn’t know, but that she was very upset that his lying about health care was killing her family.  At that point the president screamed in frustration and began the following tirade:

“So you are angry at me because you want to keep your junk policy that covers your ass about as well as a skimpy hospital gown.  Forget that I have spent the last five years and my whole political career trying to get morons like you covered by a decent health care plan because now you will get to keep your rip off policy.  See if I care if you and your little brats get cancer because from all of the pollution you voted for when you sent the conservative Tea Party imbecile to congress who wants to defund the EPA.  See if I give a sh*t when you end up in a coma in the emergency room from an infected hangnail because your bullsh*t plan doesn’t cover doctor’s visits and it bankrupts your ass. And further, to all you ignorant f*ucks in rural areas in the Midwest and South that are hit by tornadoes that flatten your asses you better forget about asking for federal aid to fix up your sh*t because, guess what? You didn’t vote for me.  Go ask Romney for help.  You voted for that sociopath.  He has lots of money that he stole off you dumb asses when his company shipped your jobs to China.  And all you cracker ass, KKK, red state racist bastards - there will be no more federal aid to shore up your failing schools and rotting roads, so see how it works out for you when you try to get your little bastards to your falling down schools over cracks and potholes so they can learn all about creationism, abstinence only and that Reagan was God’s second son.  And don’t complain about the next mega storm that f*ucks up your sh*t because you voted in some climate change denying, science hating, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging Tea Party dirt bag who can’t wait to deregulate the big polluters to further f*ck up the planet.  And you can also forget about your social security, Medicare, Medicaid, and food stamps.   You said you want the government out of your lives, so I will grant you your wish.  Consider your asses as just having been cut off.   See how well you dumb f*ucks do with your less than minimum wage jobs you get for voting in those conservative Tea Party batsh*t crazy maggot-brained ass clowns who think that a minimum wage is communistic.  I suggest that you end everybody’s misery by shoving one of your guns up your ass and blowing your brains out because the Lord knows that’s the end of your body he put them in, you hate filled, fearful Fox News watching, ass hat cretin throw-backs.   So go ahead and secede from the Union and see what a state full of impotent angry white men who have more bibles and guns than brains or jobs get you.  You motherf*cking rednecks are so dumb that even Jesus can’t save you from yourselves.  And since you like to have things for whites only, I have programmed my drones to crash upside the heads of you white motherf*ckers and when I run out of drones I will nuke the rest of you racist white supremacist cousin marrying sheep f*cking pud pulling Neanderthals.

Obama then took a deep breath and said to Wiggins, “So in other words, Ms., I am saying that I have agreed to allow you to keep your current policy for one year as long as your insurance company is clear on what is not covered on your policy.  Wiggins then replied, “How did you know I have an infected hangnail.  Have you been spying on me?”

The president’s handlers pulled him away before he could answer, although it could be heard that he said something about a probe being shoved up an ignorant white ass. 

ZIMMERMAN: “I WAS AFRAID MY GIRLFRIEND WAS GOING TO KILL ME.”

by R J Shulman

APOPKA, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – George Zimmerman is claiming that he needed to “stand his ground” after his girlfriend, Samantha Scheibe “went crazy on him.”   In an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Zimmerman said, “It all happened right after Samantha asked me if the dress she was wearing made her look fat.  I said ‘yes’ which was true and then all hell broke loose.  She smashed her glass table, her sunglasses and then gave me an evil look.  I was afraid she would use the kitchen floor as a lethal weapon by smashing my head into it, so that is when I had to pull out my gun.”

Zimmerman is currently out on $9,000 bail on the conditions that he does not visit his girlfriend’s house and does not carry a gun.  He was appointed a public defender because Zimmerman claimed that he had $150 to his name, yet owed more than $2.5 million. 

When asked if talk show host Sean Hannity, who helped him raise thousands of dollars in his defense in the Treyvon Martin case would assist him this time, Zimmerman said that Hannity told him no because this time it was a case where an Hispanic looking male pointed a gun at a white woman and get arrested for it and where is the story or injustice in that?

Zimmerman’s arraignment has been set for January 7, 2013.

SECRET GOP OBAMACARE STRATEGY MEETING CONTENTS REVEALED

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch presents an exclusive transcript of a secret Republican meeting to strategize the talking points that will be sent out to the media about the Affordable Care Act.  The names of the speakers have been deleted to protect the guilty.

“I think we can all agree that the computer glitches that have hampered the rollout of the Obamacare website is the greatest thing to happen to the GOP since George W won his second term.”

“Actually, it is the best thing for us Republicans since Reagan.”

“No.  The greatest thing since Ike.”

“I bet to differ.  It’s the best thing for Republicans since Abraham Lincoln.”

“No.  The best thing since Abraham didn’t kill Isaac.”

“Let’s be united here. I believe that we can all agree that these glitches are good for us.  So on to the next order of business.  We should depict the Obamacare rollout as the worst thing since the market melted down in 2008.”

“No.  Let’s say it’s the worst thing since Katrina.”

“Worse.  It’s the worst thing to happen to America since the designated hitter rule in baseball.”

“Wrong.  These glitches are the worst thing since 9-11.”

“No.  We should say they are the worst thing since Vietnam.”

“No. Worst thing since Pearl Harbor.”

“No.  Worst since Attila the Hun.”

“Wait. I’ve got it.  Obamacare is the worst thing to happen since the great flood and Noah’s ark.”

“Worse than that.  Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to the planet since an asteroid hit earth and the dinosaurs went extinct millions of years ago.”

“That was only six thousand years ago.”

“The truth is that the glitches in the Obamacare website are the worst thing since the glitches in the website for George W. Bush’s Medicare Part D website rollout in 2006.”

“What traitor just said that?”

“He must be a Democrat.”

“No. Must be a Communist.”

“I think a Nazi.”

“No.  The only person who could say something like that has to be a gay Al Qaeda Nazi Communist Democrat Socialist Gun Grabbing atheist pot-smoking vegetarian.”

“No.  I am a Republican and what I said is the truth.”

“Don’t you know that the greatest enemy of today’s Republican party is the truth?  Now, just who in the blazes are you?”

“Bob Dole.”

RUSH LIMBAUGH CALLS FOR BLACKS TO PAY REPARATIONS TO WHITES FOR LOSS OF PROPERTY

By R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Talk show host Rush Limbaugh is spearheading a drive to not only make it illegal for any reparations to be paid to descendants of slaves, but that it is actually African Americans who should pay reparations to the descendants of slave owners for the loss of their property.  “Everyone knows that freedom isn’t free,” Limbaugh told his massive radio audience, “and there was a cost for the slaves to be freed, a cost to the slave owner when the liberals used the federal government to steal their property.  And speaking of stealing, it’s only fair to compensate the property owners for all of the watermelons and chickens stolen by their slaves.  There is a clear Constitutional protection of due process when the government takes your property.  The liberals conveniently forget about this.”

Limbaugh says that African Americans should actually be grateful that their ancestors were rescued with a free ride from the mess that is Africa.  “These people got to be Americans where they get to play basketball and have the freedom to sing and dance instead of being born into poverty in Kenya like our halfrican President was.  But instead they would rather sit around collecting food stamps, having kids and calling me a racist.”

John Boehner said that he will be introducing a bill in the House, called the Cost of Freedom Act that will require all African Americans to finally pay for their freedom and all of the special rights and privileges that they have received over the years.  “Since we are not going tackle immigration reform or take up any jobs bill this session, we should be able to get this bill passed before Christmas,” Boehner said. 

CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK SAYS AMERICANS ARE GETTING SOFT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TOO MUCH HEALTH INSURANCE AND TOO MUCH FOOD AND SHELTER

 by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - In a new report, the conservative Heritage Foundation says that the problem with the health care system is that Americans simply have too much health insurance coverage.  “Everybody wants to be covered for everything from aches and pains to cancer and heart attacks, even though they have less than a 50% chance of having any of those problems.  This has driven up the cost of their premiums and placed insurance companies on the brink of not being able to pay their executives their full bonuses,” said Heritage Foundation Senior Research Vice-President Stanton W. Gorgon.  “This selfish excess on the part of policy holders is enough to give you a stroke.”

The report says this glut of over-insurance is symbolic of an American public that believes they are entitled to special rights.  “Most Americans have food and shelter which not only makes them complacent, but cheapens the food and shelter earned or inherited by righteous, hard-working God fearing Americans,” the report says.  “When I think of all of the unworthy people who are putting food in their mouth at the same time that I am about to, I lose my appetite,” Gorgon said. 

The report calls for the government to institute policies that make obtaining food, shelter and voting much harder to obtain for those people in society who have traditionally been “takers” so that they will finally learn the lesson and dignity of hard work and the art of pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps.  

SARAH PALIN ASKS CATHOLICS TO VOTE OUT THE NEW POPE FOR BEING TOO LIBERAL

by R J Shulman

ATLANTA – (PTSD News Service) – In an interview aired on CNN’s “The Lead with Jake Tapper,” Sarah Palin said she has been “taken abackwards” by the shocking liberal views of Pope Francis and says it’s time to take action to stop the further spread of the Pope’s brand of socialism.  “For a person who is infallible, he sure makes a lot of mistakes about the gay agenda and helping the poor, so I ask my Tea Party Catholic friends to vote out the new Pope and support a conservative one who understands that Jesus’ main message was that ‘God helps those who help themselves and not those who help themselves to food stamps.’”

Palin was promoting her new book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, which is both an homage to the holiday and an attack on heathens who want to wage a war on Christmas.  “We have to fight on Christian soldier, and make sure we do not give up and resign our sworn duty before we complete our mission,” said the former Governor of Alaska.

Palin ended her interview by telling Tapper that she is contemplating a move to Bethlehem because she wants to be able to see the manger from her house.

RAND PAUL SAYS BEING FALSELY ACCUSED OF PLAGIARISM IS A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Striking back at those who have accused him for plagiarizing parts of his speeches and writing, Senator Rand Paul said, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live the true meaning of its creed and stop criticizing me for speaking my own mind just because someone may have said something like it first.”

Rand Paul denied any wrongdoing and said, “So you should all ask not what plagiarism can do for you but what you can do for plagiarism.  While I may have unwittingly used words similar to ones spoken before, all I can say from the bottom of my heart in these clearly original words is that to err is human, to forgive is divine because God helps those who help themselves so hitch your wagon to a star because fools rush in where angels fear to tread and never leave what you can do today until tomorrow because early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”   

Paul says he is preparing to officially dispel any notion that he is a plagiarist on the Senate floor with a speech he is writing that he calls “The Four Score and Seven Years Ago Address.” 

WAL-MART TO COMBAT WAR ON CHRISTMAS BY STARTING CHRISTMAS SALES ON NOVEMBER 11

by R J Shulman

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – (PTSD News Service) – In a bold move, Wal-Mart announced that they will start their Christmas holiday season for the first time before Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving by starting with a big bang on Veterans Day instead.  “We know that the evil non-believers who hate Christians have already girded their loins for their battle against Xmas,” said CEO Mike Duke, “so we want to be ready to smite the liberals and other atheists before they can fire the first cannonball at the baby Jesus.”

“This is the time of the year when all true Americans come together to celebrate the birth of our Holy Savior and the righteous and dedicated staff of Wal-Mart have pledged to work an extra 37.5 hours a week for no overtime or even extra pay or with any breaks because they know how important it is to make sacrifices to keep the heretics for winning the War on Christmas,” Duke said. 

“I am so thrilled to hear what these committed Wal-Mart workers are going to do to be victorious in the War on Christmas instead of complaining about low wages and bad working conditions,” said talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “their willingness to roll up their sleeves and put in their all is the future model of what the American worker should look like.”

GOP FINALLY UNVEILS THEIR HEALTH CARE PLAN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – After years of harsh criticism of the Affordable Care Act, Republicans at last have unveiled their own health care reform bill that will, in the words of House Speaker John Boehner, “finally put an end to the train wreck that is Obamacare.”   The GOP legislation, called the BBR-BDQ plan for Better Be Rich or Better Die Quick Health Care Act, removes all federal government regulations from health care.

“Why should the federal government bureaucrats be the ones to decide who lives or dies when everyone knows that these types of decisions can be made more efficiently by the private sector,” Boehner said.  “The last thing the American public needs is a patronizing government telling them that they are too stupid to buy their own health care insurance,” said Paul Ryan (R-Wis), “If someone ends up buying a completely inadequate health care plan where they pay a lot and find out it does not cover their cancer treatment, at least that will teach them to be more careful next time.  Americans do not need socialized medicine to get in the way of them learning these kinds of important life lessons.”

“Under the BBR-BDQ plan,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “insurance companies will once again have the freedom guaranteed in the Constitution to reject the undesirables with pre-existing conditions and will also be able to have the liberty to cancel a person in the middle of catastrophic emergency care if they believe such action is a good business.”

President Obama said he may be willing to accept the Republican legislation because he was in favor of a plan where he could not be criticized for a website full of glitches or blamed when an insurance company wrote a cancellation notice to a policy holder in the middle of their costly cancer treatment because that would just be the insurance company’s prudent business decision.  

FOX NEWS REPORTS THAT CHILD MOLESTERS, SERIAL KILLERS, MUSLIMS AND ATHEISTS ARE SIGNING UP FOR OBAMACARE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In an exclusive report, Fox News says that known child molesters, serial killers, communists, Muslims, welfare queens, gay queens, gun grabbers, flag burners, abortion supporters, used car salesmen, feminists, atheists and even mimes have been signing up in droves for Obamacare.  “This President has forced a law on all of us that has opened the flood gates, or as some say, the gates of hell to allow, even encourage hoards of these kinds of people to sign up for Obamacare,” said Anna Kooiman on Fox and Friends Weekend Report.

“Now that I know who is signing up for Obamacare, I am not so sure I am against those death panels after all,” said former Governor Sarah Palin at an Impeach The Muslim President rally in Raleigh, North Carolina.

“I don’t think Jesus would have wanted his tax dollars going to preserve the lives of people who didn’t deserve to live in the first place,” said Pat Robertson to his TV audience in explaining why Obamacare is a creation of the devil himself.

“The President lied when he didn’t tell us that all of the dregs of society would be able to get health care with his Obamacare scheme,” said Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina. “It’s just one lie after another from this Kenyan born president.”

“With all of these undesirables getting Obamacare and millions of real Americans being kicked off their current health care plans as well as getting kicked off the Obamacare website is the most shocking scandal since Benghazi and requires at least a dozen special congressional hearings to find out why this outrageous set of events has occurred,” said Representative Darrell Issa of California.  “If health care is outlawed only outlaws will have healthcare,” he said.

In a related story, a bill has just been passed in the Texas legislature that would limit the Affordable Care act to those that Jesus would have allowed to join such a heath care program.  Governor Perry is expected to sign the bill on Tuesday.

The White House has declined to comment on the Fox News story about who is signing up for insurance coverage under the Affordable Health Care Act.  When Kooiman was asked if her report may have been a bit incendiary and could whip up hatred and fear, she denied it saying, “I work for Fox News.  We report.  You decide who to kill.”