AFTER POOR SHOWING IN HOME STATE MICHIGAN, ROMNEY SUSPENDS ALL CAMPAIGN SPENDING; PLANS TO DIRECTLY BUY VOTES

By R J Shulman

LANSING, Michigan – (PTSD News Service) – Counting on the truth of the old adage that everyone has their price, Mitt Romney has decided to halt campaign spending and will use his vast wealth, swollen super PACs and Wall Street and banker friends’ mighty financial power to pay eligible voters to cast their ballots for him in November.  “We have already spent over $87.5 million dollars so far in this campaign,” said Romney spokesperson Stephan W. Brinksmanship III, “which equals about $1,387.38 per voter.  Our best research shows that it would be cheaper, especially now in economically dismal times to be able to buy the average voter for approximately $47.21 or a free tank of gas.  This will save about $692 million which our gracious donors can then use on more humanitarian purposes, like giving themselves large bonuses.”

Brinksmanship said that he is not worried that paying a person to pull a lever, punch a chad or mark an X for Romney would be considered illegal bribery.  “The Supreme Court said that  money is free speech and we are just exercising our First Amendment right to put a little free speech in Americans’ pockets.”

NOTES FROM THE AWAKENED HIPPIE - No More Phony Kumbayah

Today the Post Times Sun Dispatch debuts the first column by Forbert Cecil Yarish. Yarish was born in Occipital, Vermont some sixty-odd years ago and after reading Catcher in the Rye in second grade, ran away to Greenwich Village to become the youngest bongo player ever to take the stage at Gerde’s Folk City.  Sometime in the early sixties he met Timothy Leary and turned on, tuned in and dropped out.  He seemingly dropped out for good when he took three hits of the bad brown acid at Woodstock and went into a super deep Rip Van Winkle sleep.  He recently resurfaced and writes to us from deep inside an old abandoned coal mine in Grayson, New Mexico.  His column of his current musings will be presented from time to time as Notes From The Awakened Hippie - No More Phoney Kumbayah.    

Notes from February 26, 2012:

1.      What I want know is if Frankenstein Romney were elected president, would he run this country down the highway with the middle class strapped to the roof while his rich buddies got to ride in the crushed leather heated passenger seat? 

2.      Hey Newt, if you consider yourself “cheerful” at the debates, I’d hate to see you when you were angry or mean and if I was unlucky enough to see that I’d surely have to pluck out my eyes.

3.      Hey Sanctimonious Santorum, if you want to learn how to implement your moral values through government, just talk to the experts, the Taliban.

4.      I got news for all you paranoid control freak hypo-Christian home schoolers who are afraid that the public schools, universities and the real world will indoctrinate your offspring with Satan – 1) You can’t home school your kids forever, and 2) when it comes to indoctrinating them with the beliefs of Satan, you have already done a great job.

5.      Hey you Virginians who want to shove a probe up a woman before she can have a legal medical procedure, if you are serious about cutting down on abortions, instead of your invasive probe requirement, why not pass a law that before a woman can end a pregnancy, she must first have sex with Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, and Chris Christie.  I bet the count of terminated fetuses in your demented Commonwealth hits zero.

6.      Tell me, hypo-Christians, if your religion believed it’s a sin for women to work outside the home and Equal Opportunity Laws said your organization’s hospitals couldn’t discriminate against women as nurses, how far do you think you would get by claiming the federal government was attacking your religious freedom?  So when it comes to providing legal health care to women, why don’t you do the right thing and treat them like human beings and then just shut the hell up.

7.      Rush Limbaugh - too bad that after your drugged-out pockmarked white ass went deaf, that your doctors didn’t restore your humanity instead of your hearing.  

8.      For all you lobbyists, banksters, CEOs and Wall Street whores who cry about the middle class starting a class warfare against you after you’ve spent the last thirty years sucking the wealth out of their pockets, your complaints are about as genuine as would have been Hitler’s complaining that the Jews he was persecuting were starting a discrimination war against the Nazis.

 I wonder how all you evildoers can sleep at night. Wait, you can – you’re all sociopaths.

 -The Awakened Hippie

 

AS GOP CANDIDATES FLAME OUT, PARTY LEADERS PLAN TO DRAFT JESUS AT BROKERED CONVENTION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The anguished whispering behind Republican leaders’ doors has turned into a roar lately over the disastrous candidates still vying for the top of the GOP ticket in November.  “They’re dogs,” said a top Republican policy maker who asked to remain anonymous, “We are left with Rick ‘man on dog’ Santorum, Mitt ‘dog on the top of a moving car’ Romney, Newt ‘horn-dog’ Gingrich who can’t keep his little wiener dog zipped while married and Ron ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ Paul.”

“We’d like to draft our last big dog, Reagan, but his liberal views on immigrant amnesty, disarmament and his once being president of a union rule him out, plus he’s dead,” said Gip Howerton a GOP leader.  “So we have decided to go to the Top dog of all Top dogs, Jesus Christ himself.”  Howerton said Americans know Jesus hates gays, supports the US wars, loves the rich who he has blessed with riches, hates the poor, I mean how long has it been since he healed a leper, and most important of all, is a blonde white guy who looks nothing like Obama.”

When he heard the GOP are planning to have their Come-to-Jesus moment by nominating the Son of God to run for president, Democratic consultant James Carville said, “Jesus H. Christ.  I mean, Jesus H. Christ? Really?  I knew they were up to something as their candidates are stinking up the place worse than an overflowing deep woods Kentucky outhouse, but I didn’t think they would have the King of the Jews sized balls to drop the H bomb on us.”  Carville had to admit that this must be part of the GOP plan to portray Obama as the Anti-Christ. “If you have the Rs running Jesus and the Ds running the president, it certainly makes Obama look like the Anti-Christ candidate.

Mitt Romney said he was unconcerned that there is talk of the GOP sending a last minute Hail Mary Pass to bring in Jesus as their presidential candidate, as “I have more money than God.”  Romeny did say he felt it would be unfair to replace him with the Prince of Peace because,” God-Damn it, this year it’s my turn.”

UNIVERISTY STUDY UNEARTHS LONG LOST ARTICLE OF CONTSTITUTION THAT SAYS AMERICA IS A CHRISTIAN COUNTRY

by R J Shulman

GREENVILLE, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – What began as a research study of the slaves of Thomas Jefferson, ended up with a major discovery.  A group of students from Bob Jones University unearthed documents, the long lost Article 8, which has been authenticated by the Heritage Foundation.   Article 8 was originally part of the Constitution, but was illegally removed by a drunken Benjamin Franklin.  Many believed Franklin made a kite out of the documents, but apparently as a wicked prank, he made sure it was buried in Jefferson’s tomb.

“With our original study, we expected to be able to show how the founding fathers approved of slavery as a way to provide jobs for people who would otherwise be hanging out in alleys, shooting baskets and chasing white women,” said senior Frank Lee Beaumont, “but what we found was a treasure trove of how America was founded as a Christian country and absolute proof that Obama is ineligible to be president.”

 

“Everyone knows that Benjamin Franklin was a secret Communist Satanist who hated the traditional values of the other founding fathers,” said Wylee Lee Lee, who headed the student project.  The students were studying Jefferson’s grave site at Monticello, Virginia, when they found that the ground had been disturbed.  “It was like a body had turned over,” said Bobby Lee Stonewall, one of the research students, “and in the casket, we found Article 8 and in another part of the tomb we found a letter in Jefferson’s handwriting telling whoever finds the missing Article to return it to the Constitution.”

 

The lost document, labeled as Article 8, with seven sections, reads as follows:

Article 8

Section 1. The United States shall be a Christian Country and if there be an inconsistency between this document and the Bible, the Bible shall prevail.

Section 2. That all men are created equal pertains to all Christian white men.  If we wanted other men and the weaker sex to be included, we would have specifically said so in this document.

 

Section 3.  If at any time either twenty percent of the population of the United States or a majority of the States agree that a person was not born in the United States, such person shall be ineligible for the Office of President.

Section 4.  The right of a member of the Weaker Sex to make any decisions about refusing her duties of wifehood, childbirth and choosing the number of children she shall give birth to shall not be considered an inalienable right, and such right shall remain with all the white Christian men who were created equal to have the property of wives.

Section 5.  Members of the Weaker Sex shall not be considered as people with all the Rights Afforded by this document herein, as such rights of Personhood remain with white Christian men and Corporations.

Section 6.  The right of those who have the Right and Just communication with our Christian God from forcing others to make Jesus their Lord and Savior in their own interpretation shall not be Abridged.

Section 7. No part of Article 8 can ever be amended by any vote or other Ungodly attempt by liberal atheists or brown Muslims to change the Blessings of the Rights of this section.

 
The study proving that Article 8 is legitimate and must be returned in full force to the Constitution will be released in its entirety next Monday.  The study was funded by Koch Industries and a conglomeration of evangelical churches and oil companies.

SUPPORTERS CLAIM XL PIPELINE WILL GET YOU CLOSER TO GOD

by R J Shulman

OILTON, Texas – Organizations who favor the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline that would cross the United States from Montana to Texas are going to get a boost from an infusion of $666 million for a new media campaign.  People Organized for Oil Pipeline or POOP as the group is called is the organization responsible for the campaign that will begin on February 24, 2012 that will blanket TV and radio in districts where they may be able to switch congressional votes in their favor.  POOP is being funded by TransCanada Corporation, Koch Industries, Exxon Mobile and a conglomerate of energy corporations.

Doug Slickerton, President of POOP, said that he is confident that once his organization dumps its ads on the media that they will be able to get some movement on congressional approval of the stalled pipeline.  Slickerton announced that the campaign will make the following favorable agreements about the proposed pipeline:

 

1.      The Keystone XL Pipeline will create millions of jobs and should reduce the national unemployment rate from 8.4% to about 4.3%.

2.      The pipeline will end America’s dependence on foreign oil.

3.      The pipeline will bring the price of gas down to .45 cents a gallon.

4.      The pipeline will bring in so much money to the federal treasury that the average tax bill for working Americans will drop by about 44.7%.

5.      The pipeline will stop the wasting of taxpayer money on loser alternative energy projects like Obama’s Solyndra folly.

6.      The pipeline will prevent the killing of the unborn.

7.      The pipeline will cut your heating bills in half.

8.      Building the pipeline will increase the value of your home by 183.8% no matter where you live.

9.      Any oil leaks that may occur in the pipeline will actually make the farmland around it more fertile.

10.  Building the pipeline will once and for all stop the junk scientists from trying to scare you about fake global warming.

11.  Building the pipeline will put three million Arab Muslim terrorists out of work and die.

12.  Building the pipeline will solve your rather embarrassing erectile size and dysfunction problem.

13.  Approving the pipeline will finally expose Obama as the Kenyan born Nazi Communist that he is.

14.  Building the pipeline will turn all the gays straight, especially closeted gay conservatives.

15.  Building the pipeline will once again make the Dallas Cowboys win a Superbowl.

16.  Once the pipeline is built it will cause gorgeous fun-loving large breasted women to show up at your door with cold beer and a large bevy of concealed weapons.

17.  Building the pipeline will cause Jesus to return, because as they say, “if you build it, he will come.”

 

Slickerton said that bombarding America with those true messages will help catapult over the shameless propaganda of Big Environment Terrorists who have been spreading lies about the many dangers of the pipeline and that the oil will be sold overseas on the open market for massive profits and not to the USA.

GOP ADDS PRO-SLAVERY CLAUSE TO TRANSPORTATION BILL

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republican senators tried to slip a provision into an unrelated highway bill that would have legalized slavery.  The passage was discovered at the last minute by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed,D-NV, who called the measure “Satanic.”  Senator Roy Blount, R-MO, who introduced the measure said his bill wasn’t to force slavery on everyone, but would let the states decide if they wanted to bring back slavery or not.  “It clearly should be a state’s rights issue,” Blount said, “and would help lift the jack boot of the federal government’s political correctness off the necks of the American people.”

 

Reed prevented the slavery amendment, called The Put the Ghetto to Work Act from coming up for a vote.  “I can’t believe we have come to using dirty tactics to prevent an up and down vote on Constitutional issues,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in an angry statement, “the bill is all about what was important to the founding fathers – the God given right to life, liberty and property.  Regardless of the outcome of this measure, it is an outrage of unprecedented proportions that the Democrat party won’t let congressmen express their support for the Constitution.”

Senator Jim DeMint, R- SC, who supported the bill said, “We can no longer ignore the elephant in the living room that a great deal of property was taken from God-fearing American citizens who were the job creators, the plantation owners.”  The Put the Ghetto to Work Act would have imprisoned all people of African heritage and placed them into a huge Wackenhut containment facility near El Paso, Texas to await assignment to the relatives of families who lost property after the Civil War.

“Once we allow big government in Washington take away your labor property without protesting,” said Blount, “it won’t be long before they try to take away your bibles, your guns and the right to get drunk and beat the crap out of your woman.”

Undaunted by the failure to pass this act, Republicans said they would try to sneak legislation called the American Inquisition into an unrelated bill about water safety that would require all Americans to declare Jesus as their Lord and Savior in exactly a Southern Baptist sort of way or face a round or two of Dick Cheney type enhanced interrogation.  “This measure would allow a majority of Americans to practice their form of religion as protected by the First Amendment,” McConnell said, “and be the first step toward returning the country to the kind of civility it has not known in years.”

 

OBAMA THREATENS THE RIGHT BY TAKING AWAY THEIR RIGHT TO FEEL BETTER THAN OTHERS

 by R J Shulman

 GRAYSON, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) - To hear a typical conservative talk radio host, Fox News reporter or Republican lawmaker, President Barak Obama is the most tyrannical power hungry figure to ever hold the highest office in the land.  In just over three and a half years in office, according to these frightened and outraged conservatives, and in spite of a hostile Congress made up of principle standing, no-compromise Republicans and anti-liberal blue dog Democrats, Obama’s strong man rule has already stripped more rights away from the average Joe than Hitler, Genghis Kahn and Satan combined didn’t have the hubris to do.

 While I thought perhaps I was in the Twilight Zone hearing such bizarre charges, I soon realized that I was simply in the dark.  I was not shining the light on the right set of rights.  After a careful study of what constitute the possible losses of personal freedom that is so terrifying Republicans, I have come to a new understanding.  

 The following are the rights that Obama has either taken away or is in the process of stripping from right thinking Americans:

 1.      Obama is taking away the birth right to feel superior to people of color (although I am not sure the term “people of color” might not be substituted with just one word that is a bit more traditional).   This birth right gets ripped from the hearts of these Americans every time they are reminded that a “person of color” is living in the White House, instead of simply serving as a maid or butler.

2.      Obama and the “socialist liberal” Democrats are attacking the religious rights of the religious right by trying to stop them from using the law and power of government from shoving their 12^th century beliefs down the throats of non-righteous Americans who are just not looking at Jesus in the right way.

3.      Obama is taking away the right of the ultra-wealthy to complete their long thirty year war waged against the middle class to complete their corporate takeover of America without communist regulations, unwashed lazy hippies occupying everything in sight, all hostile actions which are not only anti-capitalist, but will destroy the chances of good righteous conservatives from becoming ultra-wealthy themselves someday.

4.      Obama is taking away the birth right from the righteous to be able to control their women.  Contraception, equal pay, dignity, shoes and the right to have control over the reproductive process happening in their own bodies has caused an anti-Christian “girls gone wild” riot of epic proportions that threatens the rights of the right kind of men from not having to compete for women with those that are inferior.

5.      Obama is taking away the rights of upstanding Americans to not have to be “politically correct” which forces them against their will to have to pretend they are not suspicious and hateful toward those people who look, think and pray differently than their preacher or daddy told them to be or who are gay or educated or worse yet, tolerant.

6.      Obama is taking away the right of the South to feel it has risen again.  No one who looks like Obama could possibly be the boss of anything.

7.      Obama is trying to take the rights away from capitalists to make a profit, but forcing them to pay more in wages than the free market like in China would make them do and force them to lose money on union thug sponsored health and safety regulations that will also put America behind China who doesn’t bother with such communist ideas.

8.      Obama is trying to take away the right for righteous Americans from believing that  Democrats are soft on defense and terror while the Republicans are tough on these things by actually killing Osama Bin Laden when George W Bush was unable to do so.  

9.      Obama is trying to take away the right of conservatives to believe that Obama’s communist policies would destroy the American capitalist system, by having his policies actually stop a great depression and slowly but steadily improve the economy.

10.  Obama has taken away the right of Conservatives from believing that he was going to take away their guns by not taking away their guns.  This makes him a liar too.

Even the most ardent Obama supporters would have to admit that the president has directly or indirectly been on a systematic path of depriving these rights from these righteous Americans on the right.

I understand this now a little better, and I hope this has been eye-opening to those of you who, who like I used to be, were in the dark.

ROMNEY’S FAVORABLE RATING HITS ZERO; GOP MAY NAME THEIR CANDIDATE AFTER NOVEMBER ELECTION

by R J Shulman

SKOWHEGAN, Maine – (PTSD News Service) – Even though Mitt Romney squeaked out a victory in the Maine caucus and the CPAC straw poll, his favorability ratings have hit rock bottom, leaving GOP leaders pulling their hair and rending their clothes.  “No one in history has had a favorable rating hit zero, meaning that no one anywhere can come up with even one shred of a positive trait in the man,” said Montgomery Hartford, a  Republican insider, “even Hitler got a few kudos for liking his dogs.  Romney strapped his on top of his car and drove until the pooch almost died of fright.”

“It seems like you turn your head and there’s a new GOP front runner,” said Charlotte Madison, vice chairman of the Republican National Committee, “so it makes sense to find out if we can simply list our standard bearer as “The Anti-Obama” and after the election, name the current front runner.”  Madison said she is certain the Republicans can recapture the White House in November as “thanks to Citizens United we have such incredible financial backing and due to racism and fear we have drummed up a humongous hatred for Obama that we can win on those two things alone,” Madison said, “the problem is, we just can’t win the election with an actual candidate.”

“I believe there is nothing in the Constitution that says we can’t run a candidate who is a player to be named later,” said Jackson Springfield, a constitutional lawyer from Bob Jones University, “but before we send Romney, Santorum, Paul and Romney down the road to join Gingrich, Bachmann, Perry, Cain, Palin, Trump and that guy from New Jersey who was too fat to run, we need to know if we can withstand a challenge from the socialist left, when our “none of the above” trounces Obama.”

“However, until the time that Republicans are secure they can run nameless,” said Olympia Montpelier, a top Washington political pundit, “the last four candidates standing will go after each other until they all end up with a favorable rating is zero.”      

OBAMA CAVES ON CONTRACEPTION ISSUE, TAKES AWAY BIRTH CONTROL AND SHOES FROM WOMEN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a big turnaround, the Obama Administration said it will no longer require employers, including churches to provide contraception insurance coverage for women.  Further, Obama said that shoes will now be off limits for females.

Catholic Archbishop Patrick Fitzmichael of St. Louis said he is cautiously optimistic about Obama’s decision saying this change could revive the once popular twelve child family.  “Some of those children will be boys,” he said, “which could help us with our priest shortage and could supply altar boys for the priests.”

Rick Santorum told a crowd at the CPAC conference in Washington that even though he hates everything Obama is in favor of or ever thought about, he may break tradition and embrace the president’s plan. “This change could keep women barefoot and pregnant which is just as God had intended.”  The plan also provides insurance coverage for men to purchase large wooden clubs so they can whack women on the  head and drag them back to their “man caves.”

 

Not to be sexist, Obama has also placed some restrictions on men.  In order to appease Republicans, the president said that there will be no coverage for Viagra for gay, black and Muslim men.  Jason Iolta, an Obama spokes person said, “The last thing the president needs is a plethora of four hour homosexual black terrorist erections in an election year.”      

 

AFTER STUNNING LOSSES IN LAST NIGHTS PRIMARIES, ROMNEY PLANS A HOSTILE TAKE OVER OF RICK SANTORUM

By R J Shulman

DETROIT – (PTSD News Service)  -  Instead of  writing victory speeches after last night’s primaries in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri, Mitt Romney’s surprise losses has prompted him to focus on writing a plan to take over his victorious rival’s campaign.  “I didn’t toil away at Bain in vain,” Romney told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “by the close of business on Friday, I will have bought enough interest in Santorum’s supporters, his mortgage and his soul to own his sorry white ass.”

Romney said that once he controls Santorum and his campaign, he will use what he can and sell the rest for parts.  “I should be able to incorporate the Santorum choirboy charm, his collection of sweater vests and some of his lingo about understanding the lower classes to bolster my campaign, but the rest will go to the highest bidder.  I know I can get a pretty penny for Santorum’s liver, heart and kidney,” Romney said, “not to mention, again, a butt load for his sorry white ass.”

WALL STREET  AND BANKS TO USE TARP MONEY TO BUY PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

By R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Barton Westerfine, a top Citibank executive admitted today that his company, other banks and Wall Street recipients of government bail-out money had formed a super PAC to purchase the presidency for one of their own, Mitt Romney.  “The good news,” Westerfine said, “is that by using the bail-out money, I and my cohorts will not have to miss any of our bonuses.”  The PAC called, One Percenters Rock, has put together a war chest of over $19 billion, which it intends to use to defeat President Obama. 

 

“It really doesn’t matter that Romney has the personality of a stump and has absolutely no new ideas,” said Charleston Van Horn of AIG, another major contributor to One Percenters Rock, “just look what we did to Newt Gingrich in Florida with our 99% plan – that is, pounding the media with 99% negative adds against that fat clown.  By the time we get through with Obama, being a black man in a racist country will be the least of his problems.”

One Percent Rocks will debut its first anti-Obama TV commercial during the Super Bowl depicting the president dressed as Hitler setting fire to an American Flag covering a stack of Bibles, saying in Arabic, “If you give me a second term, this Kenyan born Jihadist is coming for your daughters, wives, guns, beer, and worst of all, your big screen TV.”

 

“Once Romney is in the White House and we have purchased both houses of Congress, we can get rid of all of those pesty little socialist rules and regulations that slow down our plans to buy the world,” Van Horn said.     

ROMNEY APOLOGIZES FOR CALLING PEOPLE POOR INSTEAD OF LAZY

by R J Shulman

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – (PTSD News Service) – GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney apologized for his comment about not caring about poor people.  “What I meant to say,” Romney told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “was that I don’t care about shiftless people who are jealous of the rich job creators.  As far as if someone is poor, a little tutoring on market trends can help them go from poor to excellent performance in the next quarter.”

 

Romney said that as president he would be able to help the under-earners better understand the safety net.  “For example,” Romney said, “if the Bentley breaks down, simply use the Jaguar instead.”

 

Romney said that it was not him that was out of touch with “flat-incomed” people but they with people like him.  “When was the last time one of those people played 18 holes with a rich job creator and learned just how nerve wracking it is to have to remember the pin numbers of all of those Swiss and Cayman Island bank accounts.”

 

SUPREME COURT RULES THAT CORPORATIONS AS PEOPLE GET THE RIGHT TO VOTE

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The US Supreme Court, in a 5-4 decision ruled that corporations as people are entitled to the right to vote.  Chief Justice John Roberts speaking for the majority said, “It is unconscionable in this day and age that a person can be denied the right to vote in the original democracy with a Constitution that provides that all are created equal.”

The Court’s decision in Occupy v. United Citizens, a case primarily about whether members of Occupy Oakland had a right to buy groceries at a nearby 7-11, also held that since corporations’ voting rights have been denied for so long, that the states had to make it especially easy for corporations to vote by allowing them three weeks to vote.  In addition, under Occupy, the Court held that a corporation is entitled to one vote per share.

Writing for the minority, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “After a careful and studious analysis of the majority opinion, I have absolutely and with certainty come to the conclusion that this Court had gone batshit crazy.”