AFTER STUNNING LOSSES IN LAST NIGHTS PRIMARIES, ROMNEY PLANS A HOSTILE TAKE OVER OF RICK SANTORUM

By R J Shulman

DETROIT – (PTSD News Service)  -  Instead of  writing victory speeches after last night’s primaries in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri, Mitt Romney’s surprise losses has prompted him to focus on writing a plan to take over his victorious rival’s campaign.  “I didn’t toil away at Bain in vain,” Romney told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “by the close of business on Friday, I will have bought enough interest in Santorum’s supporters, his mortgage and his soul to own his sorry white ass.”

Romney said that once he controls Santorum and his campaign, he will use what he can and sell the rest for parts.  “I should be able to incorporate the Santorum choirboy charm, his collection of sweater vests and some of his lingo about understanding the lower classes to bolster my campaign, but the rest will go to the highest bidder.  I know I can get a pretty penny for Santorum’s liver, heart and kidney,” Romney said, “not to mention, again, a butt load for his sorry white ass.”