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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Monday, February 20, 2012


by R J Shulman

GREENVILLE, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – What began as a research study of the slaves of Thomas Jefferson, ended up with a major discovery.  A group of students from Bob Jones University unearthed documents, the long lost Article 8, which has been authenticated by the Heritage Foundation.   Article 8 was originally part of the Constitution, but was illegally removed by a drunken Benjamin Franklin.  Many believed Franklin made a kite out of the documents, but apparently as a wicked prank, he made sure it was buried in Jefferson’s tomb.

“With our original study, we expected to be able to show how the founding fathers approved of slavery as a way to provide jobs for people who would otherwise be hanging out in alleys, shooting baskets and chasing white women,” said senior Frank Lee Beaumont, “but what we found was a treasure trove of how America was founded as a Christian country and absolute proof that Obama is ineligible to be president.”
“Everyone knows that Benjamin Franklin was a secret Communist Satanist who hated the traditional values of the other founding fathers,” said Wylee Lee Lee, who headed the student project.  The students were studying Jefferson’s grave site at Monticello, Virginia, when they found that the ground had been disturbed.  “It was like a body had turned over,” said Bobby Lee Stonewall, one of the research students, “and in the casket, we found Article 8 and in another part of the tomb we found a letter in Jefferson’s handwriting telling whoever finds the missing Article to return it to the Constitution.”
The lost document, labeled as Article 8, with seven sections, reads as follows:

Article 8

Section 1. The United States shall be a Christian Country and if there be an inconsistency between this document and the Bible, the Bible shall prevail.

Section 2. That all men are created equal pertains to all Christian white men.  If we wanted other men and the weaker sex to be included, we would have specifically said so in this document.
Section 3.  If at any time either twenty percent of the population of the United States or a majority of the States agree that a person was not born in the United States, such person shall be ineligible for the Office of President.

Section 4.  The right of a member of the Weaker Sex to make any decisions about refusing her duties of wifehood, childbirth and choosing the number of children she shall give birth to shall not be considered an inalienable right, and such right shall remain with all the white Christian men who were created equal to have the property of wives.

Section 5.  Members of the Weaker Sex shall not be considered as people with all the Rights Afforded by this document herein, as such rights of Personhood remain with white Christian men and Corporations.

Section 6.  The right of those who have the Right and Just communication with our Christian God from forcing others to make Jesus their Lord and Savior in their own interpretation shall not be Abridged.

Section 7. No part of Article 8 can ever be amended by any vote or other Ungodly attempt by liberal atheists or brown Muslims to change the Blessings of the Rights of this section.
The study proving that Article 8 is legitimate and must be returned in full force to the Constitution will be released in its entirety next Monday.  The study was funded by Koch Industries and a conglomeration of evangelical churches and oil companies.


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