SUPPORTERS CLAIM XL PIPELINE WILL GET YOU CLOSER TO GOD

by R J Shulman

OILTON, Texas – Organizations who favor the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline that would cross the United States from Montana to Texas are going to get a boost from an infusion of $666 million for a new media campaign.  People Organized for Oil Pipeline or POOP as the group is called is the organization responsible for the campaign that will begin on February 24, 2012 that will blanket TV and radio in districts where they may be able to switch congressional votes in their favor.  POOP is being funded by TransCanada Corporation, Koch Industries, Exxon Mobile and a conglomerate of energy corporations.

Doug Slickerton, President of POOP, said that he is confident that once his organization dumps its ads on the media that they will be able to get some movement on congressional approval of the stalled pipeline.  Slickerton announced that the campaign will make the following favorable agreements about the proposed pipeline:

 

1.      The Keystone XL Pipeline will create millions of jobs and should reduce the national unemployment rate from 8.4% to about 4.3%.

2.      The pipeline will end America’s dependence on foreign oil.

3.      The pipeline will bring the price of gas down to .45 cents a gallon.

4.      The pipeline will bring in so much money to the federal treasury that the average tax bill for working Americans will drop by about 44.7%.

5.      The pipeline will stop the wasting of taxpayer money on loser alternative energy projects like Obama’s Solyndra folly.

6.      The pipeline will prevent the killing of the unborn.

7.      The pipeline will cut your heating bills in half.

8.      Building the pipeline will increase the value of your home by 183.8% no matter where you live.

9.      Any oil leaks that may occur in the pipeline will actually make the farmland around it more fertile.

10.  Building the pipeline will once and for all stop the junk scientists from trying to scare you about fake global warming.

11.  Building the pipeline will put three million Arab Muslim terrorists out of work and die.

12.  Building the pipeline will solve your rather embarrassing erectile size and dysfunction problem.

13.  Approving the pipeline will finally expose Obama as the Kenyan born Nazi Communist that he is.

14.  Building the pipeline will turn all the gays straight, especially closeted gay conservatives.

15.  Building the pipeline will once again make the Dallas Cowboys win a Superbowl.

16.  Once the pipeline is built it will cause gorgeous fun-loving large breasted women to show up at your door with cold beer and a large bevy of concealed weapons.

17.  Building the pipeline will cause Jesus to return, because as they say, “if you build it, he will come.”

 

Slickerton said that bombarding America with those true messages will help catapult over the shameless propaganda of Big Environment Terrorists who have been spreading lies about the many dangers of the pipeline and that the oil will be sold overseas on the open market for massive profits and not to the USA.