AFTER POOR SHOWING IN HOME STATE MICHIGAN, ROMNEY SUSPENDS ALL CAMPAIGN SPENDING; PLANS TO DIRECTLY BUY VOTES

By R J Shulman

LANSING, Michigan – (PTSD News Service) – Counting on the truth of the old adage that everyone has their price, Mitt Romney has decided to halt campaign spending and will use his vast wealth, swollen super PACs and Wall Street and banker friends’ mighty financial power to pay eligible voters to cast their ballots for him in November.  “We have already spent over $87.5 million dollars so far in this campaign,” said Romney spokesperson Stephan W. Brinksmanship III, “which equals about $1,387.38 per voter.  Our best research shows that it would be cheaper, especially now in economically dismal times to be able to buy the average voter for approximately $47.21 or a free tank of gas.  This will save about $692 million which our gracious donors can then use on more humanitarian purposes, like giving themselves large bonuses.”

Brinksmanship said that he is not worried that paying a person to pull a lever, punch a chad or mark an X for Romney would be considered illegal bribery.  “The Supreme Court said that  money is free speech and we are just exercising our First Amendment right to put a little free speech in Americans’ pockets.”