AS GOP CANDIDATES FLAME OUT, PARTY LEADERS PLAN TO DRAFT JESUS AT BROKERED CONVENTION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The anguished whispering behind Republican leaders’ doors has turned into a roar lately over the disastrous candidates still vying for the top of the GOP ticket in November.  “They’re dogs,” said a top Republican policy maker who asked to remain anonymous, “We are left with Rick ‘man on dog’ Santorum, Mitt ‘dog on the top of a moving car’ Romney, Newt ‘horn-dog’ Gingrich who can’t keep his little wiener dog zipped while married and Ron ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ Paul.”

“We’d like to draft our last big dog, Reagan, but his liberal views on immigrant amnesty, disarmament and his once being president of a union rule him out, plus he’s dead,” said Gip Howerton a GOP leader.  “So we have decided to go to the Top dog of all Top dogs, Jesus Christ himself.”  Howerton said Americans know Jesus hates gays, supports the US wars, loves the rich who he has blessed with riches, hates the poor, I mean how long has it been since he healed a leper, and most important of all, is a blonde white guy who looks nothing like Obama.”

When he heard the GOP are planning to have their Come-to-Jesus moment by nominating the Son of God to run for president, Democratic consultant James Carville said, “Jesus H. Christ.  I mean, Jesus H. Christ? Really?  I knew they were up to something as their candidates are stinking up the place worse than an overflowing deep woods Kentucky outhouse, but I didn’t think they would have the King of the Jews sized balls to drop the H bomb on us.”  Carville had to admit that this must be part of the GOP plan to portray Obama as the Anti-Christ. “If you have the Rs running Jesus and the Ds running the president, it certainly makes Obama look like the Anti-Christ candidate.

Mitt Romney said he was unconcerned that there is talk of the GOP sending a last minute Hail Mary Pass to bring in Jesus as their presidential candidate, as “I have more money than God.”  Romeny did say he felt it would be unfair to replace him with the Prince of Peace because,” God-Damn it, this year it’s my turn.”