THE LEAVE NO BECK BEHIND STANDARDIZED TEST

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - President Bush once asked, "is our children learning?" He answered it with the unfunded, No Child Left Behind Program (certainly not leaving behind his Colorado Savings debacle brother Neil who now makes money off of selling tests to unsuspecting schools). Certainly, there seemes to be a big learning gap in America as evidenced by the fact that anyone would turn out at a rally put together by Rhodes Scholars Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin thinking they could actually learn something from those two.

But it happened, Beckapalooza or BeckDrek as some called it, witnessed born again Mormon Beck say how we need to take America back and bring honor back to the Red White and Blue.

But did the attending masses really learn anything? To answer this burning question, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has developed the followng multiple choice questionnaire to see how much progress the Take America Back and Bring Back Honor attendees made.

1) Who is supposed to be taking back America?

a) White racists

b) White people fearful of Blacks, Hispanics, and non-Christians becoming part of the American dream

c) White homophobes

d) White people afraid they may lose their perceived birth right to gloat over anyone not fortunate enough to be born white

e) White people angry that some people of color are doing better than they are

f) All of the above

2) Who are they taking the country back from?

a) People of color who are just starting to become part of the American dream

b) A black usurper in the White House

c) A Muslim in the White House

d) Hispanics who are just starting to become part of the American dream

e) Non-Christians or the wrong kind of Christians who are starting to become part of the American dream

f) All of the Above

3) Restoring honor is restoring honor to whom?

a) People who believe the civil rights movement had nothing to do with race, color, or gender, but character, meaning white Christian character

b) People who want to return to states rights Jim Crow segregation where it was easy to know where everyone belonged

c) White people who want to use the N-word

d) People who openly hate people who are different than they are

e) People who have been disgraced by their hatred and biggotry and have been forced against their will to be "politically correct"

f) All of the above

4) Who are they going to have to take honor from to give it back to themselves?

a) Blacks

b) Hispanics

c) Muslims

d) Gays

e) women who don't know the score like Sarah Palin does

f) All of the above

5) What are the American values we need to return to?

a) Hatred

b) Fear

c) Bullying

d) Disdain and Disgust towards those less fortunate

e) Biggotry and intolerance

f) All of the above

6) What you miss most about Amerca's past that you want to return to?

a) Beating up immigrants

b) Beating up Gays

c) Burning down a black church

d) Laughing at the less fortunate

e) Using glorious words like w*p, k*ke, n*gger, f*g to get a point across

f) All of the above

In case you were too busy making a sign that read "Obama is a Muslin" or trying to figure out which communist nazi Obama is most like and missed your civics lesson, the correct answer for the Beck Palin Gang is "f" - as is getting an "F" in being a decent human being.

This would be funny, like a scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Animal House, but while we are chuckling, this group of people who espose everything our founding fathers (not to mention the prophets, like Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, and Buddha) warned us against, will indeed take back America, take it back to 1775.

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TEXAS SCHOOL BOARD REPLACES KING'S "I HAD A DREAM" SPEECH WITH ONES BY BECK, PALIN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD - News) Saying they wanted speeches that are more releveant to the issues of today and that would appeal to the majority of today's Americans, the Texas School Board has removed all mention of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s famous speech he made at the Lincoln Memorial in 1963 and replaced them with excepts from the ones given from the very same spot exactly 47 years later by Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.

"Most Americans are interested in returning honor to America," said Kenny Blount, Jr. of theTexas School Board, "rather than hearing someone rant about their children being able to play together. Glenn Beck's speech will long be remembered for inspiring right thinking Americans to do what is right and take back America from those foreign born non-Christians that hate American and want to make it into something different and frightening like having a President that looks nothing like what I have on the pictures on the bills in my wallet."

"This country was built on guns, God, and raising sons to serve in the military just like Sarah Palin said," Blount commented, "and not about some meaninless drivel by people who should take responsibility and work rather that fall asleep at the job and have some ridiculous dream."

Beck and Palin were pleased witht the Texas School Board's decision to include their speeches and remove the old ones. Beck and Palin vowed to make speeches on the anniversary and same location of other famous speeches by Lincoln, FDR "and other radicals" to finally be able to override the subversive liberal tinted speeches that have for far too long indocrinated our children."

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MEHLMAN LATEST REPUBLICAN TO COME OUT OF CLOSET; GAY COMMUNITY WANTS TO SHOVE HIM BACK IN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Former Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman who spent years supporting the GOP anti-gay agenda announced that he himself is gay. "He shouldn't expect a hero's welcome," said Roland Wellstone of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance. "It's like Benedict Arnold reminding the Founding Fathers he was born an American."

"There is some discussion Mehlman didn't voluntarily come out of the closet, but that there are so many secret Republican's squeezed in that closet like sardines that the door is about to blow off," said Della Carlson of the Sperling Institute. "If one more self loathing wide-stancer Republican comes comes out using the word 'fabulous' to describe a Cher album, GOP will surely stand for Gay Outed Party."

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WHITES LEAVING ARIZONA IN DROVES SEARCHING FOR THEIR HELP

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News) - For the third straight month, Arizona, normally one of the fastest growing states in the country has registered as a state that actually lost population along with Michigan, Ohio and Rhode Island. While the initial loss in population for the first two months can be attributed to Hispanics fleeing the state in fear of what they beleive will happen when SB 1070, the state's tough new immigration law goes into effect, last month's decrease in population was due to Anglos leaving the state.

"Our research has shown that some white people left to search for their fleeing maids, gardeners, and nannys," said Heather Stamm of the Arizona Department of Labor, "while other whites have permanently relocated to Texas, Nevada and other states where cheap labor is still easy to find."

"The thought of me having to cook my own meal and wash my own clothes is simply un-American," said Sally Kingsolver of Glendale, Arizona who was in Denver tracking down Consuelo Garcia her cook and Manuel Guitierrez, her handyman "and who would I be able to call to fix the air conditioner if it broke without making me broke if not for Manuel?"

Some Arizonans have fled to Mexico. "We were tired of being accused of paying substandard wages to illegal Mexicans," said Brian Goodfall, formerly of Tucson, "so we moved down here to Guadalajara where we can pay substandard wages to legal Mexicans.

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NAACPed OFF THE RADIO, DR. LAURA VOWS TO DEFEND HER FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT TO INSULT MINORITIES

by R J Shulman

LOS ANGELES - (PTSD News) - Dr. Laura Schlesinger told Larry King on Larry King Live she would not continue her radio program because she needed to devote her time toward saving the US Constitution by standing up for her First Amendment Rights to use the most hateful word in the English language. The embattled talk show host was heavily criticized for spouting the n-word eleven times in a five minute tirade against an African American caller whom Schlesinger berated for saying she felt prejudice from her white husband's family members.

"Just because Dr. Laura has spent over two decades harshly criticizing her callers, bashing gays, and showering minorities with racial epithets, is not excuse for affirmative action radical racists to visciously attack her," said Schlesinger's publicist Danielle Halloran. "Just like she defended her right to stop the nude photos of her from being posted on the internet, Dr. Laura will fight to the death to stop this media lynching by uppity people who don't know their place," Halloran said.

When asked which media outlets other than radio she will use to exercise her First Amendment Right to bully and belittle minorities, Schlesinger said, "N*igger please, don't get me started."

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CONTROVERSY RAGES OVER PROPSED CHURCH AT OKLAHOMA BOMBING SITE

by R J Shulman

OKLAHOMA CITY - (PTSD News) - Even though the Oklahoma City Council voted to allow the construction of a proposed Christian church two blocks from the site of the 1995 blast that devistated the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, killing 168 innocent Americans, oppositon to the church has sparked protests from coast to coast.

"Allowing a church to be built at our ground zero when Timothy McVeigh was a Christian is a slap in our face," said Michele Steeley, head of the Republicrat National Committee.

President Obak Barama initially supported the construction of the church saying it is guaranteed by the First Amendment's freedom of religion, but later clarified his statement by saying, "I was making a general comment, not one about the wisdom of building that church there."

Republicant candidate for governor of Michiana, Guy Whitebread started running ads on TV asking, "Mr. President, how could you support a terrorist church built so close to the place where all of those American children died?"

Luke St. John, who has proposed the Consolated Unitarian Church said the building was really a Christian community center with a gym and prayer room. "We want to reach out to bring everyone together and let everyone know it isn't all Christians who want to bomb and kill people they disagree with," said St. John.

Talk radio and TV have been covering the story non-stop. Lush Rimbaugh said, "This is as outrageous as building a syanagogue on the site of Pearl Harbor or a Hindu shrine at the site of Christ's sermon on the Mount."

Democan strategist Carry Jarville said, "this whole non-issue is just a ploy by the Republicrats to shift the discussion from the fact they have no plan to solve real issues like a disasterous economy they helped destroy, rampant unemployment caused by their deregulation, a country hooked on foreign oil they make a profit off of, a massive deficit from tax breaks for the ultra-rich and those two disasterous pointless wars they started."

Wolf News, who has been covering this story 24/7 claims this issue will sink the Democans. "Just how insensitive and un-American can these church supporters be," said Wolf News analyst Sean O'Reilly, "the next thing you know these terrorist Christians will want to force our children to have to say their Chrisitian prayers in our public schools." Wolf's Ben Gleck pointed to the blackboard on his TV show and with tears in his eyes said, "these Christians will use this ground zero church to recruit other Christians to prosylitize their religion to try and take over our government."

Former President Borge W. Gush said, "If I were still the decider, I would decide this church was an enemy combatant church and then invade Guatamala because as the old saying goes, 'fool me once, heh, heh, and smoke 'em out dead or alive, heh, heh.'" When asked about the controversy, former President Clint Billton said, "I did not have sex in that church." Rodney King seemed to sum up the whole issue when he said, "why can't the libertives and conserverals just all get along."

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IF ARIZONA CAN'T HOLD CRIMINALS, HOW CAN THEY HOLD THE ILLEGALS THEY WANT TO IMPRISON?

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News) - Justice William B. Johnston of the Arizona Supreme Court said he wasn't concerned only about the Constitutionality of the SB 1070, the state's tough new immigration law, but also it's practicality. He cited the recent escape of three dangerous criminals, one of whom John McCluskey, is still at large .

"Maybe Governor Jan Brewer and her supporters should spend their efforts doing something positive for their citizens, such as improving their public schools and highways, rather than using precious resources trying to determine if brown people in their state got there before or after Mexico lost Arizona to the US in the 1848 war," Johnston said.

The yet as fully implimented new immigration law has already had a negative effect on the the Arizona economy. Governor Brewer defended her avid support of the law saying, "It shouldn't hurt our economy at all as we won't lock these people up until after they picked the fruit and folded the sheets."

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DR. LAURA SET TO LAUCH "N" MAGAZINE

by R J Shulman

LOS ANGELES - (PTSD News) - Radio talk show host Laura Schlessinger announced she will begin publication of a new monthly magazine called N. "I've been talking about issues for so long, it's time I started publishing issues," Schlessinger said, "and since my tyrade about the N-Word has helped revitalize my sagging career, it's time to capitalize on on it."

Schlessinger denied she had "chickened out" by using only the "N" instead of the whole word she used on her radio program, saying, "I want N to compete with Oprah Winfrey's O Magazine. Like O, which features Winfrey on the cover, N will likewise present photographs of Schlessinger, however using earlier more attractive pictures, starting with the nude photos that were popular a few years back on the internet.

The first issue was originally scheduled for September, but will be delayed due to the withdrawal of one of its main financial backers, actor Mel Gibson. Gibson said he liked Dr. Laura's radio rant but then discovered she was Jewish.

"America won't be America again," said fellow talk show host Michael Savage, "until white folks regain the freedom to say "n*gger" without being attacked by all the racist coloreds who have no sense of humor or place."

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GOP: THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT OUR FREEDOM IS TO TAKE IT AWAY

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - Did you ever own something so special, a toy, a watch or piece of clothing that rather than use it, you put it away for safe-keeping? While the item may have been "preserved" for a while, you probably didn't actually get to enjoy the use of the precious item and may never have before it was lost or forgotten. Apparently, conservatives want to do that with our rights and freedoms.

Let's take the so-called "terror babies" they've been talking about. They claim these are children created by evil Muslim moms who drop their offspring off of their bodies in US territory, take them back to a terroritst supporting country like Yemen where they are raised to hate us. Then when they are old enough to operate weapons of mass destruction, they easily enter the hated land of their birth with American passports to blow up a McDonald's or two. This has created a call from the right to amend the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution so only a baby born here of real Americans can be a real American. (to add to part of their final solution to the illegal Mexican problem)

However, the rupulsive right doesn't want to stop there. Their other nail biting, teeth chattering, heart pounding, night sweat terrors have moved them to propose other ways of protecting the right American's rights by hiding them away for safe keeping. For example, they say:

1) Since terrorsit Muslims, liberals and socialist teacher's unions have taken over the education system of this country and yanked god out of our schools, the only way to properly educate our children is to dismantle not only the Department of Education, but the public school system entirely and give tax payer vouchers so good American parents can place their children in private religious schools to make sure they learn proper American values and not the blasphemous God-hating propaganda they are using to brainwash our youth

2) we cannot keep tolerating all the pornograpy and anti-Christian obscenity perpitrated by the liberal media and rap videos, so we must make sure women are properly dressed so our sisters and daughters are safe from the evils of pre-marital sex (we must amend the Civil Rights act, the Fourteenth Amendment, but the Preamble is OK as it says all "men" are created equal)

3) we must elect candidates with good moral Christian values so they can make sure the laws in this country reflect the fact that we are a Christian nation (A slight amendment to the First Amendment would take care of the non-beleivers who hate the baby Jesus and have waged their war on Christmas)

4) the liberal press is aiding and comforting our enemies on the war on terror, so it is important to stop these traitors from spreading all this hatred of America (A slight First Amendment tweak)

5) to weed out Muslim sypathisers, such as those that support a mosque being built near ground zero, we must be able to wiretap, spy and have a network of informants to detain and torture these enemies of America without all of the terrorist sypathizing liberal judges legislating from the bench so we can get the information needed to save good American lives (The Fourth and Eighth Amendment need a bit of modernizing)

6) it is important to allow police and other authorities to stop and detain anyone they suspect may not be a true American and ask for proof of citizenship and not have to worry about the Fifth or Fourteenth amendment or people who hate Arizona trying to do the right thing

7) since gays are an abomination and can weaken the military, it is important they are not allowed to have the special rights all of the god-fearing Americans enjoy and are dealt with in an appropriate fashion (Amendments to the Fifth and Fourtheeth Amendment and the Preamble should do the trick)

8) it is important to end the typical "tax and spend" policy of the Democrats to waste money on trials and appeals of terrorists or their sympathisers who should just be put to death rather than go though this expensive charade (this would involve amending the Fifth, Sixth and Eighth Amendments a tad)

So the conservative logic is that making these changes, (as supported by Republicans and their talker friends on the radio and TV or those carrying Tea Party signs) will preserve our American values and save America from becoming just like one of those middle eastern Muslim countries where terrorist Muslims under the name of religion oppress their own people

And, by the way, other than those simple changes to the Constitution listed above, conservatives are very happy to get back to the Constitution.

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PRESS SECRETARY GIBBS TAKES JOB AT FOX NEWS

by R J Shulman


WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that he has taken a position as a commentator with Fox News. "We needed a credible source to tell our viewers all about how the professional left are drug addicts who are a threat to America," said Roger Ailes, President of Fox News. Gibbs had made a comment that the left leaning Democrats were unhappy with the progress of health care reform and wanted a quicker US exit from Guantanamo Bay.


When asked if he was going to resign his White House post to work at Fox, Gibbs said, "No way. With this friggen economy, who can get by with just one job?"



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IF YOU'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE BIBLE AND THE CONSTITUTION, PLEASE HAVE READ THEM FIRST

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - The airwaves, internet and Tea Party rallies echo with calls from conservatives about the need to get back to the Bible and the Constitution. The Bible thumpers and Constitution wavers tell us why with a mirad of beliefs they claim the revered documents support.

The Conservative Bible is:

1) a homophobic field guide to halt the gay agenda (why gay men would want to turn frustrated fat balding white middle-aged males into homosexuals is beyond me)

2) the story of how Jesus loved the rich and powerful and dispised the poor who despite his teachings, chose their lowly station in life

3) a manual on how to be the world's most selfish prick, rape and pillage the planet, yet still get to heaven and eternal bliss if you manage to accept Jesus as your savior a split second before your amoral, disgusting, degenerate, disgraceful life comes to an end

4) a voter'ss guide to vote Repbulican no matter what they stand or don't stand for or how many of the Ten Commandments they have serially broken

5) the story of how Cain is the hero and Abel the sucker as in "I am not my brother's keeper, cut all social programs- I don't want to pay taxes because some of it might go to help someone born lower than me, raise your own damn roof for your barn pioneer spirit, and if it was back in 1941 since FDR was a commie cripple I wouldn't have to serve in WWII."

The Conservative Constitution is a document that:

1) limits the rights of gays, blacks, women and anyone who disagrees with their twisted ungodly version of Christianity

2) is made up of only one right worth protecting and that is the right to own and deploy an arsenal big enough to blow the heads off of anyone who tries to make them abide by the laws everyone else has to

3) protects the freedom of multi-national corporations to do whatever they like to people who must take responsibility for what happens to them

4) says all men are created equal - but want to go back to the orignal 1787 idea that to be an equal man you had to be a white Christian man who owned land

5) says torturing enemies (and guess who defines who the enemies are) is an American value

6) says you don't have to count any more votes in Florida if you are slightly ahead and your brother is governor and your state campaign manager who is the secretary of state who certifies the votes and the Supreme Court with some judges appointed by your father appoints you the winner

7) protects your right to discrimate against anyone I want to and to show the superiority of my religion with laws, prayers and brazen religious symbols in public places

Does this sound like America? To me it's more like the Middle Ages with better plumbing and heating.

How did we get here? How did we get to be so mean? Just tune in to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage and tear off a page from the GOP handbook (don't worry, you can read it as it has been translated from the original German) to learn that fear, hatred and massive repeated lies can make an ordinary Joe (remeber Joe the plumber?) vote against their own best interests. In other words, anyone earning less that $250,000 per year who votes for a Republican must be one of the following: the mother of the candidate, a maschochist or a moron.

Of course, this November, you still have the right to vote for who you most believe can soothe your anger and calm your fears. But please stop with your fixation on your bible and your constitution. The last time I looked at the Bible, it was about love, tolerance, and doing good deeds for others and the Constitution was written to protect people's rights, not to take them away.

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BEER GRABBING, CURSING FLIGHT ATTENDANT TOPS POLL FOR 2012 PRESIDENTIAL RACE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Without a politial party affiliation, or even much interest in politics, politics has found interest in an obscure flight attendant. Every poll shows Steven Slater could beat any candidate by double digits just hours after his "take this job and shove it" moment went viral.

"I'd vote for this guy," said Pat McGee of Crestwood, Missouri, "we need to have a president that you'd feel comfortable stealing a few beers and telling the world to f*ck off with." "I like a guy who thinks outside the box," said Harriet Comstock of Harlan, Kentucky. "Anyone can tell off a boss, but to steal his beer and make and exit like he did from that plane is just the new thinking we need to get America back on it's feet."

Slater, who has no known political affiliation is being courted by both major parties. "He must be a Republican because he is an angry white male," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. The Democrates disagree. "He's more like the Democratic base of the working man," said James Carville, "more importantly, he can show Harry Reid how to get it done, especially when Republicans pull that filibuster crap - he'll just tell them to f*ck off." Gus Brick a Tea Party spokesman said, "We love the anger, the gender and the race of this guy. We have to make sure he is not gay, Mexican or a gay Mexican." The Green Party has also expressed interest. "We like the idea he wanted nothing more to do with polluting jets," said Daniel Weissel, a Green Party leader.

"The reason he has become an overnight sensation," said Percy Standish of the Diamond Institute, a Bethesda, Maryland think tank, "is that he embodies what so many scared and frustrated Amercans want to do most, but have lost the courage to do - tell all the rude, crass thoughless sociopaths that seem to have taken over the planet to go f*uck themselves" "He is like a real life Howard Beale, the out of control TV anchorman from the movie Network who realized we're all mad as hell and we're not going to take this anymore," said Garth Alexander, a Yale University sociology professor. "So look out multinational corporations, bankers and Wall Streeters, this guy could make the other 98% of America forget the false division of left and right you have been exploiting and give you a good left and right."

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GOP INTRODUCES BILL TO STRIP HAWAII OF BEING AMERICAN SOIL RETRO TO 1960

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - A new bill sponored by all 178 Republicans in the House would turn Hawaii into a non-state and non-US territory all the way back to 1960 to the present. "This is to punish the state for being uppity enough to think they are part of the America when they are closer to China," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. The Republicans denied it was an attempt to nullify President Obama's claim that his birth in Honolulu makes him eligible to be president. "However, once this bill passes, we will have to look into the unintended consequence of Obama basing his legitimacy on being born there in 1961," Boehner said.

"Birthers, rejoice," said Michelle Bachmann (R-Minn), "will will fight hard to change the facts to make you right." "I just can't wait to see the faces of all those smug liberals when our militias get to legally remove Obama from the White House," said Bull Trapp of the Alabama Tea Party. "I don't care how many Hawaiian born people this might effect, the trouble it may cause or how illegal the law might be," said Rush Limbaugh, "I just want it to make Obama fail."

"What is so surprising about this latest attempt by the conservatives to overturn the 2008 election, is not how outrageous it is" said Maureen Roxbury of the Alexandria, Virginia think tank, the Paulson Institute, "but that it took them so long to come up with it."

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GAY MARRIAGE BAN OVERTURNED; LEVI AND BRISTOL FIRST CASUALTIES

by R J Shulman

SAN FRANCISCO - (PTSD News) - Just moments after a federal judge placed a temporary stay on California's Proposition 8 law banning gay marriage was unconstitutional, Bristol Palin announced that it was official - she and Levi Johnston had broken up after making up after breaking up. "This is what I feared," said Bristol's mother Sarah Palin, "once the judge refutiated the will of the people by opening the closet door to gay marriage, it caused the heartbreaking breakup of my daughter leaving little Trig, I mean Tripp without a father." Palin denied she had a role in the failure of her daughter's relationship. "It's Godless California, you betcha," she said, "and I dare anyone to come up with just one for instance of where I have ever told anyone what they should do."

"This communist Nazi judge has taken away our democracy," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "when people pass a law like this one or if they were to pass a law that Mexicans and gays should be shot on sight, who do these activist judges think they are to tell us we can put two bullets in a gay Mexican?"

"The divorce rate is already at 65%," said Sharron Angle, who is running for the Senate in Nevada, "now with gay marriage, that percentage will more than double."

Republicans in congress are especially worried the ban on Proposition 8 will become permanent. "If gay marriage in California starts up again," said one male Republican senator who wished to remain anonymous, "I may not be able to keep my hands off Hans, that delicious strapping page of mine." Former Senator Larry Craig said, "the judge's decision has me so nervous I can't keep my knees from shaking and my feet from tapping, especially when I am in public bathrooms."

Judge Vaughn Walker, who was appointed by President Reagan, wrote a 136 page opinion in which he held singling out gays and lesbians to deny them the civil benefits of marriage was contrary to the equal protection guaranteed by the Constitution. "I blame the Democrats for this judge," said Newt Gingrich, "even though President Reagan nominated Judge Walker, he did it to show bipartisanship and the Democrats had the duty to block his confirmation."

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GOP: ELECT US AND WE'LL MAKE GOVERNMENT AS BAD AS WE SAY IT IS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - A secret Republican Party memo has surfaced describing the true GOP strategy if they're victorious in the mid-term elections. The memo was inadvertently sent from RNC Chairman Michael Steele's office. "We were planning to issue a buletin defending the general incompetence in Mr. Steele's office when we accidentally attached the wrong memo," said an unnamed RNC spokesman.

The secret memo, entitled Drown it in a Bathtub, alluding to Repubican stategist Grover Norquist's comment about making government so small it could be finished off in a tub of water, said the real enemy was government regulations of multi-national corporations. "In order to get the boot heel of government oppression off the necks of our wealthy business collegues," the memo stated,"we have to make government as ineffective as possible."

The memo presented three steps for meeting Republican objectives:

1) Saying government is incompetent compared to the private sector and then appoint the biggest losers from the private sector to government positions

2) Steal money from the Social Security and Medicare to fund wars to make our cronies rich and then claim Social Security and Medicare are so underfunded they must be privitized to our other cronies on Wall Street

3) Water down government regulations so much that when there is a disaster caused by lack of government oversight, blame the government for not protecting Americans

The memo warned it would take slight of hand tactics to fool working Americans into voting for Republicans who don't have their interests at heart. "The way to distract the American middle class to vote for our anti-middle class agenda," the memo said, "is to have our friends in the media pound out the following lies until they become the truth:

1) A Kenyan born Negro has illegally taken over the White House to spread Communist Nazism and enslave the white race;

2) Illegal Mexicans, spurred on by Democrats who want their votes, are pouring over the border to kill ranchers, breed like rabbits to make their children American citizens and over tax the welfare roles

3) Democrats want to illegally abolish the death penalty and instead build a 103 story mosque at ground zero

4) Obama will send his Obama Hitler Youth to their house to confiscate their bibles, guns and worst of all, beer.

5) Democrats will make illegal gay marriages legal and make heterosexual marriages illegal, forcing everyone to turn gay if they want to enjoy the legal benefits of marriage

"Ronald Reagan said the most frigthening nine words in the English langauge is the phrase, I'm from the government and I'm here to help," the memo said, "so when we take over we must make it job one to make the Great Communicator's words come true."

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SARAH PALIN FOUND TO BE RUSSIAN SPY ROBOT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - An explosive new post from Wikileaks has exposed Sarah Palin not only as an operative for Russia, but as a robotic device. The Preyat Yeletza Rawdeena XL-3 (roughtly translated as "Homeland Girlfriend)," was created by rouge KGB who wanted Russia to return back to the old style regime of the Soviet Union.

The Wikileaks documents shows this clandestine group, called the Chashka Chayou Partenny or Teacup Political Party(TPP), were bent upon destroying the American way of life. TPP leader Yuri Boltnikov writes he believed America could be fooled by an attractive female robot "with an opiate of the people bible in one hand and on the other a flag of America waving." Boltnikov said, "They laugh at plans I think up, saying Boltnikov is a bolt-head for thinking American imperialistic people are stupid in the head enough to fall over such garbage as female robot talking trash to them. But look who 's faces I can laugh in now." Boltnikov said, "My little metal girlfriend soon to be next leader of the so-called free world." Boltnikov admitted there was one problem with his creation. "Only problem with robot," he said, "is once she gets to moving on, but too soon it quits."

According to the exposed Wikileaks documents, the robot has met with success due to the unwavering promotion by other enemies of the American people such as Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Fox News (a subsidiary of the old Provda who's slogan in Russian translated roughly to "We show the news sides, peoples decide how right we are") and most of the Republican Party who's economic policies have crippled the once great American economy.

Boltnikov said the real Sarah Palin was killed by a charging moose in a hunting accident in March 1989 near Chicken, Alaska. "It was much easy to has replaced her with robot girl as we from Russia can see Sarah Palin's house."

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GOP CALLS NOT ONLY FOR END TO DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, BUT TO EDUCATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The Department of Education has been a target of the right ever since President Carter created it near the end of his term. What is new this year is the GOP is calling for an end of public education entirely. "Liberals have so infiltrated the public education system from K through graduate school," said Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, "that in order to protect America from turning socialist, all educational institutions must be abolished." Gringrich said, "an edcated voter is a dangerous voter."

Glenn Beck told his viewers, "the Soviet Union had state run schools and the only way to avoid becoming a living and breathing godless American Soviet Union is to get rid of the schools. Alice Cooper had one thing right," he said, "blow the school to pieces and make school out forever." Sean Hanity agreed, "Fox News is all the learning they need."

Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) said, "We send our precious children off to school when they are five and innocent and they come back snarling teenagers tattooed on body parts too vulgar to be mentioned in the bible and talking blasphemous things such as loving thy neighbor, peace in the world and that gays have a right to live," Bachmann said. "The only possible blame for that must be the teachers."

"I am glad I quit the education thing," said Sarah Palin, "and just in time or their brainwashing would have prevented me from being able to refutiate socialsts who say you have to read magazines and have knowledge, wisdom and compassion to run the country." Former President George W. Bush said, "I went to the best schools money could buyacate, and got nothing but nothing out of them. I only got to be the decider of the free world by saying the right prayers, taking the right vacations and most of all having the right daddy."

"Eliminating education has an added side benefit," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "all that money wasted on learning and teaching can then be used to make sure we win the war on terror." Boehner noted that with no education, no one will know enough to question our decsions." Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) said old school buildings could be turned into privitized prisons to alleviate the prison overcrowding problem. "In addition," Sessions said, "left over dunce caps would not have to go to waste, especially the white ones as they could be recycled by the Ku Klux Klan."

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