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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - Did you ever own something so special, a toy, a watch or piece of clothing that rather than use it, you put it away for safe-keeping? While the item may have been "preserved" for a while, you probably didn't actually get to enjoy the use of the precious item and may never have before it was lost or forgotten. Apparently, conservatives want to do that with our rights and freedoms.

Let's take the so-called "terror babies" they've been talking about. They claim these are children created by evil Muslim moms who drop their offspring off of their bodies in US territory, take them back to a terroritst supporting country like Yemen where they are raised to hate us. Then when they are old enough to operate weapons of mass destruction, they easily enter the hated land of their birth with American passports to blow up a McDonald's or two. This has created a call from the right to amend the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution so only a baby born here of real Americans can be a real American. (to add to part of their final solution to the illegal Mexican problem)

However, the rupulsive right doesn't want to stop there. Their other nail biting, teeth chattering, heart pounding, night sweat terrors have moved them to propose other ways of protecting the right American's rights by hiding them away for safe keeping. For example, they say:

1) Since terrorsit Muslims, liberals and socialist teacher's unions have taken over the education system of this country and yanked god out of our schools, the only way to properly educate our children is to dismantle not only the Department of Education, but the public school system entirely and give tax payer vouchers so good American parents can place their children in private religious schools to make sure they learn proper American values and not the blasphemous God-hating propaganda they are using to brainwash our youth

2) we cannot keep tolerating all the pornograpy and anti-Christian obscenity perpitrated by the liberal media and rap videos, so we must make sure women are properly dressed so our sisters and daughters are safe from the evils of pre-marital sex (we must amend the Civil Rights act, the Fourteenth Amendment, but the Preamble is OK as it says all "men" are created equal)

3) we must elect candidates with good moral Christian values so they can make sure the laws in this country reflect the fact that we are a Christian nation (A slight amendment to the First Amendment would take care of the non-beleivers who hate the baby Jesus and have waged their war on Christmas)

4) the liberal press is aiding and comforting our enemies on the war on terror, so it is important to stop these traitors from spreading all this hatred of America (A slight First Amendment tweak)

5) to weed out Muslim sypathisers, such as those that support a mosque being built near ground zero, we must be able to wiretap, spy and have a network of informants to detain and torture these enemies of America without all of the terrorist sypathizing liberal judges legislating from the bench so we can get the information needed to save good American lives (The Fourth and Eighth Amendment need a bit of modernizing)

6) it is important to allow police and other authorities to stop and detain anyone they suspect may not be a true American and ask for proof of citizenship and not have to worry about the Fifth or Fourteenth amendment or people who hate Arizona trying to do the right thing

7) since gays are an abomination and can weaken the military, it is important they are not allowed to have the special rights all of the god-fearing Americans enjoy and are dealt with in an appropriate fashion (Amendments to the Fifth and Fourtheeth Amendment and the Preamble should do the trick)

8) it is important to end the typical "tax and spend" policy of the Democrats to waste money on trials and appeals of terrorists or their sympathisers who should just be put to death rather than go though this expensive charade (this would involve amending the Fifth, Sixth and Eighth Amendments a tad)

So the conservative logic is that making these changes, (as supported by Republicans and their talker friends on the radio and TV or those carrying Tea Party signs) will preserve our American values and save America from becoming just like one of those middle eastern Muslim countries where terrorist Muslims under the name of religion oppress their own people

And, by the way, other than those simple changes to the Constitution listed above, conservatives are very happy to get back to the Constitution.


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