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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - The airwaves, internet and Tea Party rallies echo with calls from conservatives about the need to get back to the Bible and the Constitution. The Bible thumpers and Constitution wavers tell us why with a mirad of beliefs they claim the revered documents support.

The Conservative Bible is:

1) a homophobic field guide to halt the gay agenda (why gay men would want to turn frustrated fat balding white middle-aged males into homosexuals is beyond me)

2) the story of how Jesus loved the rich and powerful and dispised the poor who despite his teachings, chose their lowly station in life

3) a manual on how to be the world's most selfish prick, rape and pillage the planet, yet still get to heaven and eternal bliss if you manage to accept Jesus as your savior a split second before your amoral, disgusting, degenerate, disgraceful life comes to an end

4) a voter'ss guide to vote Repbulican no matter what they stand or don't stand for or how many of the Ten Commandments they have serially broken

5) the story of how Cain is the hero and Abel the sucker as in "I am not my brother's keeper, cut all social programs- I don't want to pay taxes because some of it might go to help someone born lower than me, raise your own damn roof for your barn pioneer spirit, and if it was back in 1941 since FDR was a commie cripple I wouldn't have to serve in WWII."

The Conservative Constitution is a document that:

1) limits the rights of gays, blacks, women and anyone who disagrees with their twisted ungodly version of Christianity

2) is made up of only one right worth protecting and that is the right to own and deploy an arsenal big enough to blow the heads off of anyone who tries to make them abide by the laws everyone else has to

3) protects the freedom of multi-national corporations to do whatever they like to people who must take responsibility for what happens to them

4) says all men are created equal - but want to go back to the orignal 1787 idea that to be an equal man you had to be a white Christian man who owned land

5) says torturing enemies (and guess who defines who the enemies are) is an American value

6) says you don't have to count any more votes in Florida if you are slightly ahead and your brother is governor and your state campaign manager who is the secretary of state who certifies the votes and the Supreme Court with some judges appointed by your father appoints you the winner

7) protects your right to discrimate against anyone I want to and to show the superiority of my religion with laws, prayers and brazen religious symbols in public places

Does this sound like America? To me it's more like the Middle Ages with better plumbing and heating.

How did we get here? How did we get to be so mean? Just tune in to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage and tear off a page from the GOP handbook (don't worry, you can read it as it has been translated from the original German) to learn that fear, hatred and massive repeated lies can make an ordinary Joe (remeber Joe the plumber?) vote against their own best interests. In other words, anyone earning less that $250,000 per year who votes for a Republican must be one of the following: the mother of the candidate, a maschochist or a moron.

Of course, this November, you still have the right to vote for who you most believe can soothe your anger and calm your fears. But please stop with your fixation on your bible and your constitution. The last time I looked at the Bible, it was about love, tolerance, and doing good deeds for others and the Constitution was written to protect people's rights, not to take them away.


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