ANTHONY "FAT TONY" HAYWARD BUMPED OFF CEO TROUGH

by R J Shulman

LONDON - (PTSD News) - Tony Hayward took the fall today as BP Godfather Carl-Henric "the Swede" Svanberg made him an offer he couldn't refuse. "After that explosion of bad press following the little oil rig situation," Svanberg said, "we needed a better mouthpiece to placate the small people in the Gulf."

"The Gulf of Mexico public relations disaster represents a failure on the part of the entire oil syndicate," Hayward said before he was forcably removed from his yacht near the Bahamas. A BP spokesman agreed the blame should be shared by many. "We just aren't sure if we should retaliate against the press for blowing up a tiny leak into a firestorm of a story, or maybe we should whack an environmentalist or two so they can go swimming with the fishes that they love so much."

Hayward has been replaced by his former lieutenant Robert "the Dud" Dudley, who beat out several of his rivals who have since found other lines of work. "There will be some changes made in the way we address safety," Dudley said, "That means that news squealers will dissappear faster than the Deepwater Horizon sank."

Hayward was sent to direct TNK-BP, a Russion oil venture in Siberia. "I'd like to see how much yachting that little prick does in the frozen tundra," Svanberg said.

BP announced that due to the increased costs of relocating Hayward, they will not be able to honor the $20 billion they promised President Obama to put in escrow to pay to victims of the oil spill. This was further comfirmed by Svanberg, who when asked by the Post Times Sun Dispatch if BP was still going to compensate the losses suffered by those affected by the oil spill, said, "Forgetaboutit."

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