LAST COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE COLLEGE TO CLOSE DOORS
by R J Shulman
NEW HOPE,Pennsylvania - (PTSD News) - Citing a sharp drop in enrollment, Compassionate Union Conservative University ("CUCU") located in this peaceful Pennsylvania town will close its doors for good at the end of August. CUCU's closing marks the end of a once healthy group of compassionate conservative institutions of higher learning that saw unprecedented growth immediately following the inauguration of George W. Bush in 2001.

"We had to turn students away back then," said CUCU Dean of Students Harvey Cox, "but when people realized that Bush was neither conservative nor compassionate, interest in our curriculum waned." Cox said the death knell came when conservatives lambasted Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor for daring to possibly consider compassion or empathy in how she arrived at her legal decisions.

CUCU's closing is on the heels of the demise of Thousand Points of Light College which went dark at the end of June. CUCU students who had not yet completed their degree can transfer their classes to UHOF, the University of Hope Obama Fails in Hazard, Kentucky.

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GOP CONGRESSMEN: NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO HEALTH CARE EXCEPT US
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) Saying that they will fight to the death to stop any reform of America's health care system, Republican senators and representatives have stepped up their attacks on every health care reform bill. "There is nothing in the Bill of Rights that says a citizen has a right to be alive, let alone be healthy," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "and since the first ten amendments to the Constitution were written by God, anyone who wants to propose a bill that changes any rights hates Jesus."

Now that the vote on health care has been delayed until after Congress takes its long summer recess, Republicans have vowed to flood the airwaves with anti-health care messages. The new Harry and Louise ad that is set to start Monday features Harry killing Louise because under Obama's socialized medicine plan, doctors are forced to tell Louise how to commit suicide. "I had to stop her for committing the mortal sin of killing herself and used my Second Amendment right to shoot her through the head," Harry says. "I know Jesus will forgive me so I will meet up with my beloved wife in heaven, a place that is not run by government programs."

In addition, Republicans will tell Americans that Obama's heath care plan will take away their guns, bibles, beer, pick-up trucks, will ban NASCAR and change all country music stations to ones playing nothing but Russian Operas in order to grant free health care for illegal aliens, welfare mothers, and Muslim terrorists.

Another ad, featuring Senator Oren Hatch says that a public option will destroy the profits of the insurance companies who will not only be unable to pay their CEO bonuses but will be forced to curtail campaign contributions to members of congress. In the ad, Hatch rummages through a dumpster behind a fast food restaurant telling the audience, "Since Obama's public option has ended congressional payments from big insurance and big pharma, I am now forced to do dive into this trash to feed my family. Did you know my granddaughter's first word was 'dumpster.'"

When accused of using scare tactics and of flat out lying about health care reform, Senate Minority Leader John Boehner said, "you would lie to save your baby from a mad killer, or your friends from a terrorist, so you would certainly lie so save America from a Communist take over."

President Obama was unavailable for comment because he was having a beer with some police officers and citizens who had previously been yelling at each other.

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TEAMS SHY AWAY FROM VICK'S CONDITIONAL RETURN TO NFL
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) No football team has shown serious interest in one time star quarterback Michael Vick after his conditional reinstatement to the NFL by Commissioner Roger Goodell. "It's not so much his conviction for illegal dog fighting or whether or not he can still play at a high level," said Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, "the problem with Vick are those darn conditions placed on him by the NFL."

Davis is referring to the specific conditions placed upon any NFL team that would hire Vick. One of the conditions of his return is that if Vick performs poorly and loses too many games, his own team would have to either hang, shoot or electrocute him. "It's only fair," Goodell told ESPN, "that Vick's performance earn him the same treatment he gave his own dogs who performed badly."

"We could use a good experienced quarterback now that Brett Farve is staying retired," said Zygi Wilf one of the owners of the Minnesota Vikings, "but as tough as our guys are and for as much as they hate to lose, I just can't see them frying their own quarterback after a tough loss."

Vick's best hope may be the brand new NFL Los Angeles franchise, tentatively called the LA Christians, who say they have not ruled out Vick. "After all this is Hollywood," said owner Jude Roman, "where we like our big names and our big drama. We'd even have Michael Jackson on the team if he wasn't dead, heck, we might still have Jackson on the team." The new LA team will play Detroit in their home opener in 2010. "It'll be the Christians versus the Lions at the LA Coliseum," said Roman, "what more could you ask for to make Americans forget that their country is going to hell."

Vick said he would consider any offers, even the new LA team. "I will do anything to get back to the game I love," Vick said, "even if I have to work like a dog."

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PRESIDENT TO MEET WITH EVERY BLACK MAN HASSLED BY POLICE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) President Barak Obama announced today that he will meet and have lunch with not only every black male who was mistreated by the police, but with each officer involved in the incident, in Obama's words, "to make it all nice." Obama was warned by aides that while there have been some strides in race relations, it would be an impossible task to end racial prejudice. Obama disagreed saying, "Yes I can."

The President will begin his series of meetings with Professor Gates and Sgt. Crowley who arrested the professor for disorderly conduct in his own house in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The meeting is off to a rocky start as the parties have not yet agreed on which beer should be served. President Obama agreed to forgo his usual micro brewery selection for his first taste of Budweiser, however Sgt. Crowley refused to drink Bud because is was no longer an American beer. Meanwhile, Professor Gates complained, "I bet that cop thinks that because I am a black man in America, I am going to want to drink something cheap from a paper bag."

Many Democratic leaders hail the president for trying to bring Americans together, but others are worried. "Even if every day with no days off, Obama visits with 100 black men who were hassled by cops, by the end of his term he would only have addressed about 8% of all African American men who had been mistreated by the police," said Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. "It looks like health care, global warming, the wars in the middle east, and the tanking economy will have to be put on hold until these meetings are over," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

"Man oh, man," said Reverend Al Sharpton, "I'm not sure even Obama's million man lunch is gonna make things right in American for the black man." "This is outrageous and the American people should know what this president is up to," said talk show host Glenn Beck, "Obama has the audacity to try and take away the freedom of white Americans and tell us who we can hate."

Rumors have been circulating that Obama may include meetings with members for other groups traditionally targeted by police, such as Latinos, gays, Quakers and other peace advocates, Muslims, hippies, nudists and mimes. "Of course the President will meet with these groups, a White House spokesman said, "except for mimes who the President believes are not hassled enough.

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BIN LADEN OPPOSES US HEALTH CARE REFORM
by R J Shulman
ISLAMACAVE, Pakistan (PTSD News) Osama Bin Laden has apparently been monitoring the health care debate that is raging in the US and has issued a new audiotape asking his followers to call American congressmen to urge them to kill any health care reform.

"Brothers and Sisters of Islam," the tape begins, "when I learned that more than 22,000 Americans die each year because they have no health insurance, I rejoice in the name of our God. That's the same amount of dead Americans as five 9-11s, without us having to waste time and money on training our martyrs. In fact, our brothers don't have to be martyrs, they just have to get jobs as lobbyists with big pharma and the insurance companies."

The next section of the tape was partially inaudible, but expert translators believe Bin Laden said something about the present US health care system not being a problem for world leaders and international terrorists who want to take advantage of it because, "unlike those poor American working stiffs who can't afford health insurance, buying my dialysis machine was as easy as Paris Hilton."

The tape ends with Bin Laden saying that if his followers can help America stay stuck in its current greedy for-profit health care system, soon all of its wealth will be sucked into the pockets of insurance companies and drug makers who will become too big to fail. "And then the American Evil Empire's economy will crumble like so much stale goat cheese."

Authorities have confirmed the voice on the tape is that of Bin Laden. However, Fox's Bill O'Reilly said he had his own experts translate the tape in a more fair and balanced manner and that Bin Laden keeps repeating, "Thank Allah that our operative, Al "Qaeda" Frankin is now in the Senate." Talk show host Glenn Beck announced that his translation is that Bin Laden had urged his "Islamofascists" to call his show and make him so mad he'd have to scream for the callers to "Get off my phone" in such a manner as to make Beck sound like a stuck pig. In another translation, Rush Limbaugh claimed the tape said," I am Osama Bin Laden and because Barak Obama hates America even more than I do, I don't want Obama to fail."

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COP WON'T APOLOGIZE FOR ARRESTING OBAMA TRYING TO GET INTO WHITE HOUSE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Metro DC police officer Mark Conyers says he will not apologize to President Obama for arresting him for disorderly conduct when Obama tried to get into the White House when the front door stuck. "There are not many certainties in life," said Sgt. Conyers, "but it is certain that I will not apologize to that man." DC authorities have since dropped the charges against Obama.

Apparently, the front door of the White House stuck and Obama was trying to get it open with his shoulder when Sgt. Conyers asked him for identification. "I told him he couldn't go in there," Conyers wrote in his police report, "but he looks at me and says 'yes I can.'" Obama said the he gave the officer his drivers license which showed he lived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, the address of White House, but that Conyers was unconvinced. "He asked for my birth certificate claiming I looked like someone from Kenya," Obama said.

Washington Mayor Adrian Fenty, called to apologize and said that the police are on special alert because there had been a lot of break-ins in the Capital, starting with Watergate.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis "Skip" Gates, Jr. said the DC police "acted stupidly," and that there has been a history of blacks and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately. "This is a chilling incident for blacks," Gates said, "black surgeons, black scientists and even me as a black professor at Harvard could have something like this happen to me. I shudder to think of what I would do if some policeman tried to arrest me in my own home."

Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh defended Sgt. Conyers saying, "here we have Socialist Obama, the angriest black man in history trying to shove his way into the White House, mind you its not called the Black House and this policeman is just doing his job and the magic Negro has the gall to pull the race card."

"This whole incident wouldn't of happened," said Fox's Bill O'Reilly, "if Obama has just gone to the back of the White House to get in."

"I guess we have a new crime here," said Princeton Professor Cornel West, "it's called being President while black."

Obama said he will not let this issue die as "race remains a factor" in America today.

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NOT ALL BELIEVE OBAMA IS PRESIDENT
by R J Shulman
PLANTATION, Florida (PTSD News) Last November, Americans and people the world over celebrated a harbinger of change, the election of Barak Obama, the first black president of the United States. But just as some people believe the moon walk was fake, not everyone is convinced that Barak Obama is really the president. In a new book, Look Who's Coming to the White House, Robert James Pickford, claims that Barak Obama not only wasn't elected president, but that he doesn't really exist.

"I first began to suspect a hoax when I did some research and couldn't come up with any evidence before that Obama existed before 2000. He just seemed to come out of nowhere," Pickford said, "Sure there is a phony bio, but when I looked at Harvard's original records in Cambridge, Massachusetts, there never was anyone named Obama that attended the university. Of course, Obama's birth certificate is also a fake. In Honolulu, when I visited Hawaii's Vital Records Department, they had no record of Obama's original birth certificate.

"Have you noticed how perfect Obama is?," Pickford writes, "He is a perfect specimen of health and when he speaks, it's perfect. If it's too good to be true, it usually is. I have absolute proof that Barak Obama is nothing more than a series of robots, holograms, and projections. The creators of this hoax are so brazen that they have played an obvious joke. Barak Hussein Obama's initials, BHO stands for the famous Latin phrase Barus Humanus Obliterus, which means 'no humans here.'"

Pickford, who spent months on researching his book says the real president is still Dick Cheney. In fact, Cheney has been president since 1980, long before his first heart attack. "The image that Obama portrays is one of change, but has he ordered an investigation into the illegal torture perpetrated by the Bush-Cheney administration, or pushed for real energy or health care reform or support for gay rights? New boss, same as the old boss." Pickering claims that the world is ruled by a secret society called the Illumicrucians, who are led by Cheney, the Rothschilds and Elvis Presley who is alive and living under everybody's nose in Las Vegas. "People think he's just another Elvis impersonator."

The book asserts that Michael Jackson was actually murdered because he knew Obama was a fake. "There was no way I could imagine Barack as an eight year old," Jackson supposedly said the night before he died, "Obama must have been created out of smoke and the man in the mirror." Pickford also claims Ed McMahon was killed because he was about to reveal that something strange happened when he arrived at the house of the 1994 winner of the Publisher's Clearing House contest. "When I rang the doorbell, no one answered," McMahon wrote in a secret journal obtained by Pickford, "When I peeked in the window, I saw a series of video cameras, projectors and a half built African American robot. The winner that year had a very strange name I'll never forget. It was Barak Hussein Obama."

Look Who's Coming to the White House goes on sale at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com this Friday.


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CHENEY DISGUSTED WITH SOTOMAYOR HEARING: WHERE'S THE ENHANCED INTERROGATION?
by R J Shulman
BUNKER BUTTE, Wyoming (PTSD News) Former Vice President Dick Cheney said he can't believe the softball questions that GOP senators are lofting at Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. "You'd think the GOP wouldn't have forgotten what has worked for the last eight years," Cheney said, "here we are three days into the hearing and not one waterboard in sight."

Cheney lamented that he was not in charge of the questioning. "I would have had her singing like Gloria Estefan at the Grammys, spilling all of the anti-American decisions she would be supporting as a Supreme Court Justice. I wonder how wise that Latina would get toward me while I was turning up the juice."

"We've lost our moral compass," Cheney concluded, "when we don't have the courage to go to the dark side to protect America from activist judges."

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AFTER JOB LOSS, CHENEY IS SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) Like many Americans who have lost their job in the economic downturn, former Vice President Dick Cheney has fallen into a depression. "Men often identify themselves with their jobs," said psychiatrist Dr. Stanley Korzine, "and the loss of his job has sent Mr. Cheney into a tailspin."

"When I was the veep and felt kinda low," Dick Cheney told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, "I would head down to a secret and secure location and torture a few terrorists, but now when I feel bad, all I can do is try to torture the American public by my appearances on the news shows, but it's just not the same thing." Cheney continued, "The office of the vice president is going to hell, and I don't mean in a good way. Biden has been in office over six months and not once has he invaded a country, hell, and I love that word, he hasn't even threatened anybody."

"Frankly, we're worried about Dick's stability," said a doctor who wished to remain anonymous, "if he doesn't respond to his therapy soon, he might just lose it and start shooting friends in the face." "We suggested that he take up something he enjoys," said another doctor who also wished to remain anonymous, "but we had to tell him that enhanced interrogation doesn't qualify as a hobby."

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GOP BEGRUDGINGLY ENDORSES SOTOMAYOR:"AT LEAST SHE ISN'T A PARAPLEGIC MUSLIM LESBIAN"
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) Senate Republicans have all but thrown in the towel in their opposition to the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the United States Supreme Court. "Those Democrats wanted to broaden the makeup of the Court," said Lindsey Graham, R-South Carolina, "so I guess they will get their broad, after all."

"In the interests of showing how we Republicans can be accepting of minorities, I will say to you today that there are some advantages to having her on the court," said Jeff Sessions, R-Alabama, "as a wise Latina, she has the background and experience to launder the other judges robes and watch their grandchildren when needed." "It's a shame she was picked simply because of her race," said Senator Orren Hatch of Utah, "not like Clarence Thomas, who was chosen for his unparalleled intellectual brilliance."

"Some compassion is OK, I guess," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "as long as it is the type of compassion President Bush showed to the people of New Orleans when Katrina hit." "I am glad she said she will uphold the rule of law," said Arizona Senator John Kyl, "because we can't have judges legislating from the bench and changing laws, unless, of course, the laws are too liberal."

Sotomayor is expected to be confirmed by the end of the week.

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GOP: CIA LIED TO BUSH, NOT PELOSI

by R J Shulman
Top Republican leaders have stepped up their demands that Senate Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi apologize for saying the CIA lied to her. "The CIA never lied to Nancy Peolsi, but rather it was President Bush the CIA lied to when they told him there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq," said Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell.

There is no question that the CIA lied to Bush when they told him the mission was accomplished," said former Vice President Dick Cheney, "but Nancy Pelosi's claim that the CIA lied to her is quite tortured. Did I say tortured? I love the word 'tortured.'" "The CIA lied to me when they said we would be greeted by hearts and flowers in Iraq instead of by roadside bombs," said former Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. "But Pelosi's claims that they lied to her are so un-American that she should be interrogated until she retracts that lie."

"It was them CIA operators who wrongly misinformicated me that Brownie was doin' a heck of a job when New Orleans was getting Katrinicated," said former President George W Bush. "but there is no way those same CIAers would untruthicate the facts to Nancy Palooka because two lies don't make a right."

During my campaign, the CIA lied to me when they told me our economy was fundamentally sound," said Senator John McCain, "but they have never lied to us in Congress like Peolsi claims." "Those CIA folks lied to me when they told me it was Russia I was seeing from my house," said Governor Sarah Palin, "but those CIA folks did not lie to Congress and Pelosi's comments are so un-Christian that she should be shot."

The Republicans are calling for a special prosecutor to investigate Pelosi's comments. "If our members don't keep getting caught in sex scandals," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "we should have enough votes to impeach that hypocrite Pelosi."

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FOX: OBAMA VISITS RUSSIA TO BRING COMMUNISM TO USA

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - Fox News is reporting that the purpose of Barak Obama's visit to Russia was for the president to learn how to import communism to America. "Why else would he go to a commie country when we have a serious illegal immigration crisis at home he should be attending to," said Fox's Neil Cavuto.

Fox claims they have a copy of the bluepirnt on how Obama plans to replace capitalism with socialism. "First, he will take away our guns," Cavuto said, "then he will enslave our daughters and wives. But most frightening of all, are his plans to redistribute wealth. Homeowners will be driven from their houses to make way for welfare mothers, gang members and illegal Mexicans who will be moving in. White people better learn how to be gardeners, domestics and washroom attendants," Cavuto warned.

Fox also reported that Obama's trip to Ghana was to recruit some of his relatives to act as his own personal Gestapo storm troopers. "Don't answer the door after five p.m.," Cavuto said.

Fox news has come under fire from critics in recent months for reporting news that may have incited right wing viewers like James von Brunn who shot up the Holocaust Museum, killing a guard. "Nonesense," said Fox's Roger Ailes, "we report the news as we see it and let our heavily armed viewers decide."

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PALIN QUITS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY OF GUNS

by R J Shulman

JUNEAU, Alaska - Sarah Palin revealed today the real reason she is stepping down as governor of Alaska is to spend more time with her beloved arsenal of firearms. "Instead of dodging bullets, I'd rather be shooting them," she told reporters.

Republican leaders are disappointed that Palin, a rising star in the GOP resigned her post before the end of her term. "I think she was a bit trigger happy about her decision to quit," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "Resigning kind of blows a hole in her credibility as a leader." Palin immediately shot back, "McConnell should aim at the real enemies of America, the Democrats and not someone like me who is a staunch supporter of the Second Amendment to the Bible."

When asked if she has set her sights on the 2012 Presidential race, Palin said, "I'll be setting my sights all right, but my aim will be on anyone else running for President."

Palin said that immediately following her last day in office, she will take a month long hunting trip. "There is no better way to get close to the Lord," Palin said, "than to wander through the Almighty's beautiful countryside killong God's creatures."

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