U.S. DEMOCRACY LOST IN THE MAIL
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The US Post Office announced today that United States Democracy has been lost en route from Washington to Bagdad. “We were so proud of our form of government,” said an unnamed United States Post Office official, "that we wanted to make sure it arrived in Iraq. However, it never got there.”

“All we know,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “is that it left the United States on March 19, 2003, the day we started our campaign in Iraq. It hasn’t been seen since.”

“We speculate,” said Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates, “that it may have gotten hung up in Guantanamo or in one of Dick Cheney’s underground bunkers.”

“Don’t ask me,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales when he was asked by a congressional committee looking into the matter, “I don’t remember what it looks like.”

SUPREME COURT VOTES TO LIMIT JUSTICE GINSBURG’S PAY
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A Supreme Court once again split by the thinnest of margins ruled yesterday that Justice Ginsburg cannot sue the Federal Government over unequal pay that may have stemmed from an inequity that started years earlier. The Court Ruled 5 to 4 that Justice Ginsburg, the only female member of the Supreme Court, did not make her objection regarding unequal pay in a timely fashion.

“I am quite disappointed,’ said Ginsburg, “that the majority of the court fails to recognize that in the real world, real salary discrimination is not often going to be discovered by underpaid women employees within the 180 day time frame.” Justice Ginsburg commented that she had been so honored when she was tapped to be a Supreme Court Justice that she didn’t immediately check her pay stubs against her male counterparts. Ms. Ginsburg is receiving $22,347.98 less per year than Clarence Thomas, the lowest paid male Supreme Court Justice. “And he doesn’t even think for himself,” Ginsberg commented.

“A woman’s place,” said Justice Samuel A. Alito, Jr, speaking for the majority, while “high-fiving” Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. who had supported Alito's anti-Ginsberg position, “is in the home, not the House, Senate or Supreme Court.”

BUSH LAYS WREATH AT THE TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN REASON
By R J Shulman
ARLINGTON, Va - President George W. Bush paid tribute on Memorial day to those that have died in battle, hailing the sacrifice of “a whole new generation” in the US-led war in Iraq, as he laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Reason for War. “Heck,” he said, “just because we don’t know the identity of the reason we went to war doesn’t lessen the magnification of the sacrificial lambness of these brave soldiers’ service.”

After a brief ceremony, the President left for a meeting with top advisors to discuss the unknown plans for the mission to succeed in Iraq.

BUSH ADMIISTRATON: INCOMPETENT OR JUST PLAIN EVIL?
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – For the last few years the debate has raged as to whether the Presidency of George W. Bush is riddled with ineptitude or whether its actions are guided by “a dark side, if you will,” as described by Vice President Dick Cheney. Stanford University Professor Dietrich Barnett’s seminal study claiming there is method to the madness of George W. Bush, got a vote of confidence from the President himself who said to Sean Hannity on Fox’s Hannity and Colmes, “I really meant what I said about Brownie doin’ a heck of a job.” In an unusually candid moment, the President said, “how else could we clear out those people that Kanye West said I don’t care about, so my friends can rebuild New Orleans in my own image?”

When asked by Alan Colmes about the mess in Iraq, Bush said, “What mess? I meant what I said when I said mission accomplished. The American people must understand it was not just war for oil, but that it was also not unpurposeful for all of those contracts to go to Halliburton and my other buddies.”

“The President, who has not had a vacation in days, will be immediately heading to his Crawford, Texas ranch to clear some brush and adjust his medication,” said an immediately fired White House spokesperson.

MYSTERIOUS RED SPLOTCHES PLAGUE BUSH ADMINISTRATION
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – A strange malady has been affecting members of the Bush Administration, a newly released White House report stated today. The report noted that unexplained patches of dark red appear on the skin of senior administration officials.

“No amount of soap seems to be able to wash this redness off,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “It happens sudden, like,” said President George W. Bush, who seems to have one of the worst cases. “One minute I’m hearing about all that mayhemness in Iraq with them people being suddenly deceased and the next thing you know my hands have these dark red stains on them.”

“We have no idea what is causing this problem,” said a White House spokesman, “but it has gotten even worse after the recent troop surge in Iraq. The red spots are practically dripping off their hands.”

DEMOCRATS TO SET TIMETABLE FOR THEIR PULLOUT OF CONGRESS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Democratic Party leaders announced today their plan for setting a specific timetable for their withdrawal from congress. “The first step,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “is to capitulate on the Iraq war and let President Bush have his blank checkbook to keep the occupation going on forever.”

“Knowing that we Democrats were elected to end the war and then we promptly don’t,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, “means the frustrated votes will remove us from Congress, partially in 2008 and completely by 2010.”

“We feel it’s best for America,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, “for our orderly withdrawal from the beltway here in Washington.” “We will exemplify real leadership,” said Senator John Kerry, “by showing the American people that Democrats will not cut and run, but will stay the course on complete capitulation to George W. Bush.”

CARTER SAYS REMARK ABOUT BUSH A DISASTEROUS MISTAKE
by R J Shulman
PLAINS, Ga - Former President Jimmy Carter said Monday that his remarks about the current Bush administration’s foreign policy as being the “worst in history” were “careless” and taken out of context. Carter’s original comments had appeared in a column in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

Speaking on NBC’s Today, the former chief executive said “What I really meant to say was that any negative comments that I might make about George W. Bush would be the “worst comments in history.” Carter’s retraction came after a spokesman for the White House had dismissed Carter by saying that the former President was "irrelevant.”

Rumors that Carter was forced to retract his earlier comments was laid to rest by Vice President Dick Cheney who said, “All I said to that irrelevant Carter was that if he loves those commies in Cuba so much, I’d offer him a free trip as far as Guantanamo.” “I don’t recall,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales when questioned about Carter's sudden retraction, “that I authorized torturing anyone as irrelevant as Jimmy Carter.”

FETUS ANNOUNCES RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN 2056
by R. J. Shulman
ALPHARETTA, Ga – Earlier today, a fetus announced its intention to run for the President in 2056. “You can’t start too early these days with all the fundraising and name recognition that is necessary,” said the as yet unnamed fetus, “so today I am throwing my placenta in the ring.”

“The first thing that I will do as President is to abolish all the laws that outlaw breast feeding in public,” the fetus said. "At first, I’ll be a Libertarian, because I won’t want anyone to tell me what to do. Then I’ll become a wide-eyed liberal in college, switch to the Republican Party after I acquire some wealth, but near the end of my life, I’ll become a liberal Democrat when I realize I’d better atone for my greediness.”

When asked who has inspired it the most, the fetus answered, “Janet Jackson, the hooters girls, oh my god, Miss November, and my mother of course.” When asked why it wants to run for President, it said, “I think we need a President that is vulnerable enough to cry, is not concerned if it wets its pants in times of crisis as long as the job gets done, and a President who can holler long and loud until it gets what it wants.”

FALWELL MISSES LIMBO BY THREE WEEKS
by R J Shulman
HELL - The Reverend Jerry Falwell, who died today at 73, may have hung on to life just a little too long as Pope Benedict XVI had just abolished Limbo twenty-one days earlier. “St. Peter tends to be a reasonable guy,” said Yale Theologian Grant Pickering, “and he would have most likely sent Falwell to limbo to have a chance to atone for his earthly behavior that was quite frankly, abominable. So the gatekeeper,” Pickering added, “must have had no choice but to send the Right Reverend down below.”

“I’m not sure which would have shocked Falwell more,” said theologian Michael Martinson of Notre Dame University, “the jolt of the sudden rise in temperature from his air-conditioned office at Liberty University to the eternal damnation fires of hell or finding out that Jesus is a long-haired sandal wearing peacenik who loves gays as much as he loves anyone else.”

DALLAS SUBURB TO HOUSE GEORGE W BUSH LIBRARY
By R J Shulman
UNIVERSITY PARK, Tex. The Prospect of a George W. Bush Library got a big boost as this suburb, twenty miles north of Dallas voted to donate a piece of land to house the structure. The triangle of land, located near the town’s landfill should be large enough to house the new library. “We only needed a small space, as the library will initially house one volume, My Pet Goat,” said R. Gerald Turner, President of nearby Southern Methodist University, who will be coordinating the project.

“Since the library will be the size of the traditional outhouse,” said Raymond Miller, University Park mayor, “it will actually be a functioning outhouse, with the user being able to read My Little Goat while relieving themselves.”

The library will allow for some future expansion as there will be a section for a series of books in the My Pet Scapegoat series. “The first new book will be about Scooter Libby,” said a beaming President Bush, “then one about “Yellow Cake” Colin Powel, “Don’t Know Nothing”Donald Rumsfeld and one on that gal, Misty England who tortured them dangerous naked Iraqis terrorists with them dogs a whips.”

“He just can’t wait for the building to begin for the ultimate legacy of his Presidency,” said Laura Bush, “ because he will get to personally clear the brush before they begin to build the library.”

“I’ll get to use my libary first,” said Bush “As I never got to finish that goat book because I was interrupted by that thing that happened in New York with them crashing planes and all.”

ALBERTO GONZALES AUTHORIZES TORTURE OF SELF TO JOG MEMORY
by R J Shulman
Washington – After failing to remember just about anything meaningful after a second grilling from members of the House of Representatives, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has authorized that he himself be tortured. “It is so embarrassing,” said Gonzales, “to be unable to recall who did what in my own department, who I talked to, which Federal Prosecutors I had hired, fired or even tortured.” “He feels," said an unnamed Justice Department spokesman, “that a little waterboarding or electrodes connected to his gonads could get him to suddenly remember the information that Congress wants.”

“We will turn up the juice,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “right to the point where his vital organs begin to fail and then pull back. Of course,” the Vice President added, “we'll keep turning up the dial if the little squealer starts to implicate me or Carl Rove.”

BUSH REVEALS HIS MAJOR INFLUENCE
By R. J. Shulman

NEW YORK – On FOX TV’s Hannity and Colmes show, President Bush told Sean Hannity the identity of the person he most admired, the person who he modeled his presidency after. “Most people might think that it’s Jesus or my wife, what her name,” the President said in a moment of unusual clarity. “But no, it’s the other fellah who took steps to starticate a preemptive war.”

“Are you serious?” asked a shocked Alan Colmes. The President answered, “As serious as one of Dick Cheney’s heart attacks. Now, the American people must understand, that like that other fellah, I made up a scapegoat. He used Jews, I used A-rabs, now how ironical is that?”

“I sometimes joke,” said an amused Bush, “that the only difference between him and me was that he actually got elected.”

BUSH ON IRAQ: YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D
by R. J. Shulman


HOLLYWOOD - In its season finale, Ashton Kutcher, host of the MTV show Punk’d announced that the object of the surprise practical joke was none other than President Bush who was goaded into invading Iraq. The popular show arranges for an unsuspecting celebrity to be caught by surprised by a practical joke put together by their close friends and the Punk’d staff.

“This was our best one yet,’ said Kutcher who could hardly contain his laughter, “it beat telling Bill Gates that his little empire was about to be brought to its knees by Y2K.”

“Georgie really believed it when I told him Iraqis would greet American Soldiers with flowers,” said an amused Condoleezza Rice. “And he didn’t bat an eye when I told him our troops would be fully ready for the operation, complete with full armor,” quipped former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. "And those weapon of mass destruction, especially the Yellow cake from Niger," said former Secretary of State Colin Powell, unable to stifle his laughter.

“What a dunce,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from his bunker in an undisclosed location, “he took it hook line and sinker when I said the insurgency was in its final throes.” “I got him the best," said former Army General Josh Oppensteyer, “when I told him that major combat operations in Iraq were over. The little shrub just couldn’t wait to put on a flight suit, stuff his pants with a zuccini and repeat those very words under a big 'mission accomplished' banner on an aircraft carrier.”

When the joke was revealed to the President, unlike most celebrities who have been good natured about being “punk’d,” Bush shouted, “You can’t decide on the decider. See how funny you think it is when I invade Iran.”

RADIO TALK SHOW HOSTS LAMENT LOSS OF FREE SPEECH: WE CAN NO LONGER CALL A SPADE A SPADE
by R.J. Shulman

NEW YORK – Bernie McGuirk, producer of Don Imus’ recently cancelled radio and television talk show, lashed out at critics today at the Talkers Magazine convention of radio talk show hosts. “Where is the first amendment?” McGuirk asked. “Thanks to the scourge of political correctness, you can no longer call a spade a spade or a n***er a n***er. In fact,” he added, “I suspect that the liberal media newspapers will use asterisks to blot out the word n***er.”

“We are under attack from those sick demented liberals,’ said national talk show host Michael Savage. “First, I get kicked off the TV for saying all gays should catch AIDS and die, the next thing you know we won’t be able to tie up one up of those blasphemers and beat the crap out the limp-wrested destroyers of all that is American.”

“And don’t forget the war on Christmas,” said Bill O’Reilly on his Fox TV show. “These America-hating liberals are trying to stop good Christian Americans from being able to shove our religious practices down the throats of the heathen non-believers.”

“We need to bring back the Salem witch trials to determine who is a true Christian and who is not,” said talk show host Sean Hannity. “The only question,” he added, “is who should go first, Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton.”

“White male Anglo-Saxon protestants don’t stand a chance,” said talk show host Neil Bortz, “all the power in this country is wielded by people who don’t even look American.”

“These dope-smoking liberals are such hypocrites,” said Rush Limbaugh. “They call for liberal health care laws, yet want to restrict me from seeing as many doctors as I want to.”