ALBERTO GONZALES AUTHORIZES TORTURE OF SELF TO JOG MEMORY
by R J Shulman
Washington – After failing to remember just about anything meaningful after a second grilling from members of the House of Representatives, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has authorized that he himself be tortured. “It is so embarrassing,” said Gonzales, “to be unable to recall who did what in my own department, who I talked to, which Federal Prosecutors I had hired, fired or even tortured.” “He feels," said an unnamed Justice Department spokesman, “that a little waterboarding or electrodes connected to his gonads could get him to suddenly remember the information that Congress wants.”

“We will turn up the juice,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “right to the point where his vital organs begin to fail and then pull back. Of course,” the Vice President added, “we'll keep turning up the dial if the little squealer starts to implicate me or Carl Rove.”