CONGRESS INCREASES ITS SALARY AND BONUSES TO INSPIRE YOUNG AMERICANS TO RUN FOR OFFICE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In its first piece of bipartisan legislation in over four years, the United States Congress has voted to raise their own salaries by 85%, increase their pension by 71%, eliminate all co-pays for their health care plan and add a generous package of perks, long vacations, free massages and endless get out of jail free cards.

“With these new positive benefits, we want to inspire the youth of today to want to serve their country by getting themselves elected to the House or the Senate,” said House Speaker John Boehner, “I’d like to go into more detail, but my new vacation starts now.”

“I finally found something that I could really stand up for,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid D-Nev, “And it was quite refreshing not to face a filibuster.”  In fact the bill had little resistance in either chamber.  The bill, called the American Youth Inspiration Act received broad support from both Republicans and Democrats.

Not all agreed it was a good idea.  Bernie Sanders I-VT strongly objected saying, “It is unfair, in fact quite outrageous for Congress to grant itself the very benefits it has been taking away or denying to ordinary American workers.”  Sanders comment was greeted angrily by Senator John McCain, R-Ariz who said, “will somebody get this communist to shut up?”   Senator John Cornyn R-Tex then asked, “is Vermont really a state?”  Mary Landrieu D-Lou echoed Cornyn’s comment by inquiring, “why should a stop on the Monopoly board get a senator?”  Senator Rob Portman R-Ohio said, “Vermont, Shermont.  There are still more people on line this very moment at a precinct in a poor neighborhood of Cleveland waiting to cast their vote for Obama in the 2012 election than there are people in the entire state of Vermont.”

President Obama has threatened to sign the bill when it gets to his desk.  “If you think Congress has been unwilling to work with me for the past four years, you ain’t seen nothing yet in the uncooperative department if I were to veto their raises,” the president explained.  

MICHELE BACHMANN DISCOVERS HER HUSBAND IS GAY, ANNOUNCES HER RETIREMENT FROM CONGRESS

by R J Shulman

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – (PTSD News Service) – Michele Bachmann announced today that she will not seek a fifth term in the US House of representatives because she says she wants to spend more time with her family.  “To turn my family straight, to be more specific,” she said in her announcement this morning on You Tube.  “After watching Beyond the Candelabra on the TV and seeing how the liberal media has turned Michael Douglas and Matt Damon gay, I realized they acted just like my Marcus, who I now know is gay, gay, gay.  And to think of all of the money and effort I put into trying to look sexy.”

Bachmann said that she will need all the time at home to pray away the gay.  “I will slap away the gay, I will scratch away the gay, and I will, dare I say it, suck away the gay, until I am able to save my husband from eternal damnation,” she said.  Bachmann said she will start her get-the-gay-out-campaign by throwing out her husband’s Cher CD collection and his dozens of Judy Garland Masks.  When asked if he was upset that his wife had just “outed” him on national social media, Marcus said, “that closet was getting too crowed anyway with all of my gowns crammed in there.”

“This project that I am undertaking to change my husband,” Bachmann said, “is going to be even more of a challenge than all of my efforts to turn Obama into an American.”

ALEX JONES:  OBAMA DIRECTS IRS TO TARGET CONSERVATIVE GROUPS WITH DEADLY DRONES

by R J Shulman

AUSTIN, Texas – (PTSD News Service) – Radio host Alex Jones has reported that he has irrefutable proof President Obama has changed his directive to the IRS – instead of targeting conservative groups with audits, target them with deadly drones.  “Obama has already admitted killing four Americans with these drones,” Jones said, “The question is not only how many more Americans has he killed, but how many Americans he plans to kill with these monstrous missiles.”

“Obama’s ridiculously transparent speech about his war on terror,” Jones told his radio audience, “was clearly made to try and distract the news cycle away from all of his scandals, such as Benghazi-gate, AP-gate, IRS-gate, Umbrella-gate, Arugula-gate and you name it-gate.  The real story is that Obama has moved control of the drones from the CIA to the IRS, who already has a working list of conservative groups they were targeting.”

Jones claimed he infiltrated the White House and video-taped a secret basement meeting at which Obama told his recently appointed IRS Director Danny Warfel, “I am sick of all these MF Tea Parties on my presidency.  I want you to drone out the MF Tea Parties before they can lift another MF teacup to their MF white-ass lips.” 

Jones concluded by saying, “if you thought the IRS estate tax was really a death tax, just wait.  The IRS’ new drone attacks will show you the real meaning of a death tax.”

GOP: WASHINGTON BRIDGE COLLAPSE CAUSED BY OBAMACARE

by R J Shulman

MOUNT VERNON, Washington – (PTSD News Service) – House Republicans will make yet another attempt to repeal Obamacare, their 38^th try, and this time because as House Speaker John Boehner said, “it is clear that Obamacare’s doctor rationing caused the driver of the truck that hit and knocked down that bridge in Washington to be medically unfit to drive. The Skagit River bridge is just the first of such bridges that will tumble into America’s waterways all across this great country if we do not immediately stop Obamacare.”

“The Democrat Party will try to blame the bridge collapse on some imagined infrastructure problem because they just love to find fault with America,” said Joe Wilson R-SC, “then they will politicize the falling bridge to further their big government tax and spend agenda by using the liberal media to hoodwink America into wasting tax payer money on bridges, hospitals, schools and other equally shameful and useless socialist projects.”

“Simply put, Obamacare is most socialistically communist Al Qaeda bill ever signed into law by an American president born in Kenya,” said Michele Bachmann, R-Minn, “and is a direct assault on Jesus, firearms and the freedom of Americans to look down on others who were born inferior to them.”

“If only Ronald Reagan was alive today,” lamented Mike Pompeo, R- Kans, “he would be saying, ‘Mr. Obama, tear down that Obamacare wall.’”

The Washington bridge collapse is just the latest event the GOP has blamed on the Affordable Health Care Act.  They have also said that Obama’s health care reform was responsible for killing the elderly and unborn, crashing the economy, creating severe weather patterns, forcing some states to believe they had no choice by to approve same sex marriage, killing Dale Earnhardt, tempting Eve with an apple in the Garden of Eden and is, without doubt, the reason why so many older white American men are suffering with erectile dysfunction.   

FOX NEWS SNAFU: WE ACTUALLY GOT A FACT RIGHT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a scandal that has rocked Fox News to its very foundation, Fox New President Roger Ailes has announced the firing of two top network executives, Matt Shrike, Senior Vice President of News and Scott Hardwick, Chief Fox Fact Checker.  “If these two staff members had done their job correctly,” Ailes said, “this terrible mistake would not have gone out over the air.”

Ailes is, of course referring to the report by Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly that there have been more jobs created under the Obama Administration in the last four years than under the last four years of the Bush Administration.  Hardwick apologized, saying, “I sincerely hope that America, and Jesus Christ can find it in their hearts to forgive my error that made Obama look good at something.”  Shrike, who wrote the story, blamed the mistake on his dyslexia for transposing Bush and Obama in the story, saying, “I pray that Dog Almighty can forgive me.”

Kelly has also apologized for announcing the story on the air.  “I just read what is on the Teleprompter,” she said.  “I now know just how Ron Burgundy felt in the movie Anchorman when he said “Fudge you, San Diego, only it wasn’t fudge he said as you know.  I guess you could say it was my fudge moment and I am so, so very sorry.”

Fox has issued an apology on air every hour on the hour for the last three days for the error.  However, the network says that it is still getting hundreds of calls from distraught viewers, many of whom have been directed to contact local suicide hotlines. “We have been able to calm most of the callers down,” Ailes said.

“When I heard that Fox News chick say something that Obama did better than W, I almost dropped a load and I don’t mean the one offen my pick-up truck,” said Clayton Brimlett of Sunbury, Pennsylvania.  “How can we be safe now when the Al Queda Communists have infiltrated the only non-liberal news source we have left in America,” said Jimmy Bob Sturgis of Bunkerville, Wyoming. “I had been wondering why Fox News has suddenly stopped demanding to see Obama’s birth certificate.  Now I know why.” 

“When I heard them lies about Dub-ya and the Muslim,” said Richard Swineschmitt of Ardmore, Alabama, “I shot my TV. You never know when you need the Second Amendment to protect you from enemy infiltration,” he said.  Mary Lynn Porge, of Terre Haute, Indiana was not so lucky.  “Aunt Mary Lynn had the news on, Fox of course,” said Harriett Hogerton, “Then I hear that Megyn Kelly who has such nice hair on the Fox News, say that Obama was better at jobs than George W was. The next thing you know, auntie turns white as a sheet at a KKK social welfare gathering and then keeled over, face first on the shag carpeting.  She hung on for two days at Terre Haute Regional Hospital, before Jesus called her home.”

Ailes vowed that “Fox will never let a fact favoring a Democrat, liberal, socialist or communist out over the air again.  We have instituted a new zero tolerance policy that anyone caught even thinking a good thought about a liberal will be banished from Fox for life.  It’s just that kind of subversive thinking that can give fair and balanced a bad name.”

TEA PARTY VOWS TO VOTE OUT ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TEA PARTIES SHOULDN’T BE CONSIDERED TAX EXEMPT SOCIAL WELFARE ORGANIZATIONS

by R J Shulman

LYNCHBURG, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – In the aftermath of the News that he IRS had targeted organizations with the name Tea Party and Patriot for review of their applications for tax exempt status as 501c4 social welfare organizations, the Tea Party is fighting back. “The government had tread on the wrong ‘me,’” said Wayne Fergus of the Lynchburg Constitutional Tea Party of Virginia, “it’s preposterous for the IRS to think that we are a political group, when it is clear that we are here for social welfare as required by the tax laws. We are here for the social welfare of real Americans by making sure that every last liberal and Democrat and Republican who acts like a liberal and Democrat are defeated at the polls.”

“When the founding fathers thought of social welfare, it wasn’t about those queens having babies every five minutes on the taxpayers dime,” said Murphy Pickel, who is running for Virginia House of Representative on the Tea Party ticket, “social welfare is about getting sensible Americans who hate and fear the government elected to government.”

The Lynchburg Tea Party is not alone in fighting back against the IRS who they say have unfairly targeted them. Anti-government political rallies are scheduled all over the country by various Tea Parties to protest the IRS thinking that they are organizations that hold political rallies.

“We will use any political means necessary to prove we are not a political organization,” said Andrew Clangborn who has organized several Tea Party groups in central Indiana.

“Can’t they read?” said Swinton Hogg, a Tea Party leader from Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. “This here sign I’m holding says “Tea Party, which everybody knows stands for Taxed Enough Now. So why would they want to tax us when they should be taxing socialists, like the ACLU, the NAACP.”

The IRS agreed, and has apologized for targeting the Tea Party and other right wing organizations and will return to seeking audits from groups like the ACLU the NAACP, which did not cause anyone at the IRS to have to resign.

AS STOCK MARKET SOARS TO NEW HEIGHTS, FOX NEW REPORTS THAT OBAMA IS THE MOST INCOMPETENT SOCIALIST OF ALL TIME

By R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Fox News is reporting that President Obama stinks as a socialist.  “He has tried to destroy business, redistribute the hard earned wealth of the rich to poor minorities and do everything he could do to destroy capitalism in its tracks,” said Armand C. Tilwitty, a Fox News analyst.  “But the recent record run of the stock market, almost doubling in his four years in office and the upturn in business shows just what a failure Obama has been at trying to carry out his leftist agenda,” Tilwitty said.

“I agree,” said Wesley Goodrich, of the Wall Street Journal. “In just about every category that indicates the health of the economy, there has been marked improvement under Obama.  For this to happen on the watch of the most communistic communist in history shows that the only thing Obama was successful at in his political career was forging a fake birth certificate.”

“We sincerely hope this knucklehead president doubles his anti-capitalistic efforts,” said David Adkisson, President and Chief Executive Officer of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, “because a continuation of his flub-dubbery will surely be good for big business.”

GOP TO PUSH FOR NEW BILL TO EXONERATE THOSE CONVICTED OF RAPE IN CASES WHERE WOMAN GOT PREGNANT

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Representative Phil Gingrey of Georgia has introduced a new bill that calls for those men convicted of rape in which the so-called victim became pregnant to be immediately exonerated and released from prison.  The bill called the Legitimate Rape and Fatherhood Support Act will require states to revisit cases in which there were rape convictions where the woman became pregnant. 

“Since a woman cannot get pregnant if she is uptight and can’t ovulate, then it is obvious that if she got pregnant she was not upset at the time she had intercourse or her body would have shut right down and no pregnancy could have occurred,” Gringrey, a licensed MD and co-chair of the Republican Doctors Caucus said. “We hear all the liberal press talking a good game about the rights of women, but what about these men who had legitimate sex with these women who for no good reason then turned on them and accused them of rape. What about these men's rights?”

The bill has a good chance of passing the Republican house.  House Speaker John Boehner has placed the bill on the agenda ahead of bills about jobs, crime prevention, immigration reform, plant safety, help for the middle class, bank reform and education.  “It’s only fair that if later DNA evidence can get killers off of death row, than new conception science should be used to free men wrongfully convicted of rape,” Boehner said.

POLL SHOWS IF JODI ARIAS WAS RUNNING AS A REPUBLICAN SHE WOULD HAVE WON SOUTH CAROLINA HOUSE SEAT

by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina – (PTSD – News Service) – Don’t feel so warm and fuzzy, Mark Sanford about your victory yesterday over Democrat Elizabeth Colbert Busch.  Your victory may have had little to do with the electorate forgiving you for your past bad behavior. 

A brand new New York Times/ABC poll has revealed that just about anyone running as a Republican could have defeated Democrat Busch, even if the Republican was much reviled Jodi Arias who has just been convicted of the brutal murder of her boyfriend.  Even dead Boston bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsanaev would received 53% to 47% for Busch if his name had appeared on the ballot as a Republican.  The only opponent that the poll showed who Busch may have prevailed against was Satan, if he had run as a Republican, in which case, the poll said the race would have been a dead heat.

“I guess all you have to do in this state to win an election is to have a letter after your name, that letter being “R,” said South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley.

KOCH BROTHER: DON’T LET WEST, TEXAS SYNDROME CAUSE MORE GOVERNMENT SAFETY REGULATIONS

By R J Shulman

WICHITA, Kansas – (PTSD News Service) – David Koch, co-owner and executive vice president of Koch Industries said today that he is concerned that the recent explosion at a West, Texas fertilizer plant that killed fifteen, injured hundreds and flattened the surrounding area will “cause a knee-jerk reaction call for more government regulations of industry.  “Everybody knows that private industry doesn’t kill people, people do,” he said. “Irresponsible employees’ mistakes are to blame and the last things that are needed in America are new job killing health and safety regulations.  But I am afraid,” he continued,” that just like what happened in Newtown, Connecticut caused a lynch mob against guns and responsible gun owners, the incident in West, Texas will spark a similar out of control rabble attack against responsible factory owners and successful operators of mines.”

“Actually we need less government interference and not more of it to keep us safe,” said House Majority Leader John Boehner. “There would be a lot more jobs at factories like the one in West, Texas if liberals and socialists such as Obama have not consistently attacked capitalism and tied everyone’s hands with business strangling regulations.  If companies were not bogged down with so much useless paperwork demanded by an out of control government, they could spend more time preventing the very types of explosions that occurred at that fertilizer plant.  It is as if Obama himself set off that blast.”  When the House of Representative gets back from vacation, it will start an investigation into why Obama should not be impeached for the explosion that rocked the small Texas town.

Radio talk show host Alex Jones agrees that the government is to blame for the tragedy in Texas. “We have video tape that shows it was the FBI, with direct supervision by the Obama administration that set off the explosions in West, Texas and that they used left over explosives from when the government blew up the Twin Towers on 9/11.  Tell me this,” Jones said, “if it was fertilizer that blew that plant and half that poor village to pieces, wouldn’t the town be smelling to high heaven?  No it is not.  What really stinks here is the governmental conspiracy of a sitting president who wants to make the home state of his predecessor look bad.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that any attempts at adding more health and safety laws would be met with a filibuster. “We don’t need any new laws that will infringe on the rights of successful business owners and mine operators.  Besides no law could possibly stop all accidents that may happen on the job caused by careless employees.”

“And don’t be trying to tie in the factory collapse in Bangladesh into this workplace health and safety hysteria,” Koch said. “Americans should direct their focus on the money they have saved on shirts they buy at Walmart and not on some nameless four hundred people in a far away land who chose not to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior before they died.  So they didn’t get to heaven.  How is that business’ fault?”