MICHELE BACHMANN DISCOVERS HER HUSBAND IS GAY, ANNOUNCES HER RETIREMENT FROM CONGRESS

by R J Shulman

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – (PTSD News Service) – Michele Bachmann announced today that she will not seek a fifth term in the US House of representatives because she says she wants to spend more time with her family.  “To turn my family straight, to be more specific,” she said in her announcement this morning on You Tube.  “After watching Beyond the Candelabra on the TV and seeing how the liberal media has turned Michael Douglas and Matt Damon gay, I realized they acted just like my Marcus, who I now know is gay, gay, gay.  And to think of all of the money and effort I put into trying to look sexy.”

Bachmann said that she will need all the time at home to pray away the gay.  “I will slap away the gay, I will scratch away the gay, and I will, dare I say it, suck away the gay, until I am able to save my husband from eternal damnation,” she said.  Bachmann said she will start her get-the-gay-out-campaign by throwing out her husband’s Cher CD collection and his dozens of Judy Garland Masks.  When asked if he was upset that his wife had just “outed” him on national social media, Marcus said, “that closet was getting too crowed anyway with all of my gowns crammed in there.”

“This project that I am undertaking to change my husband,” Bachmann said, “is going to be even more of a challenge than all of my efforts to turn Obama into an American.”