FOX NEWS SNAFU: WE ACTUALLY GOT A FACT RIGHT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a scandal that has rocked Fox News to its very foundation, Fox New President Roger Ailes has announced the firing of two top network executives, Matt Shrike, Senior Vice President of News and Scott Hardwick, Chief Fox Fact Checker.  “If these two staff members had done their job correctly,” Ailes said, “this terrible mistake would not have gone out over the air.”

Ailes is, of course referring to the report by Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly that there have been more jobs created under the Obama Administration in the last four years than under the last four years of the Bush Administration.  Hardwick apologized, saying, “I sincerely hope that America, and Jesus Christ can find it in their hearts to forgive my error that made Obama look good at something.”  Shrike, who wrote the story, blamed the mistake on his dyslexia for transposing Bush and Obama in the story, saying, “I pray that Dog Almighty can forgive me.”

Kelly has also apologized for announcing the story on the air.  “I just read what is on the Teleprompter,” she said.  “I now know just how Ron Burgundy felt in the movie Anchorman when he said “Fudge you, San Diego, only it wasn’t fudge he said as you know.  I guess you could say it was my fudge moment and I am so, so very sorry.”

Fox has issued an apology on air every hour on the hour for the last three days for the error.  However, the network says that it is still getting hundreds of calls from distraught viewers, many of whom have been directed to contact local suicide hotlines. “We have been able to calm most of the callers down,” Ailes said.

“When I heard that Fox News chick say something that Obama did better than W, I almost dropped a load and I don’t mean the one offen my pick-up truck,” said Clayton Brimlett of Sunbury, Pennsylvania.  “How can we be safe now when the Al Queda Communists have infiltrated the only non-liberal news source we have left in America,” said Jimmy Bob Sturgis of Bunkerville, Wyoming. “I had been wondering why Fox News has suddenly stopped demanding to see Obama’s birth certificate.  Now I know why.” 

“When I heard them lies about Dub-ya and the Muslim,” said Richard Swineschmitt of Ardmore, Alabama, “I shot my TV. You never know when you need the Second Amendment to protect you from enemy infiltration,” he said.  Mary Lynn Porge, of Terre Haute, Indiana was not so lucky.  “Aunt Mary Lynn had the news on, Fox of course,” said Harriett Hogerton, “Then I hear that Megyn Kelly who has such nice hair on the Fox News, say that Obama was better at jobs than George W was. The next thing you know, auntie turns white as a sheet at a KKK social welfare gathering and then keeled over, face first on the shag carpeting.  She hung on for two days at Terre Haute Regional Hospital, before Jesus called her home.”

Ailes vowed that “Fox will never let a fact favoring a Democrat, liberal, socialist or communist out over the air again.  We have instituted a new zero tolerance policy that anyone caught even thinking a good thought about a liberal will be banished from Fox for life.  It’s just that kind of subversive thinking that can give fair and balanced a bad name.”